I don't know what came over me last night. But, the one thing I swore I would never do, I did -- or, at least, I tried. Yes. I tried to commit suicide. God, I feel like an idiot admitting it, but it's true. The darkness seemed to have this poisonous grip on me, and all my thoughts were spiraling down this staircase of negativity. It was almost as if killing myself would stop the pain and the frustration.
I got one of your scarves, my belt was too short, and I tied one end to the inside knob of a door, then hooked the scarf over the top and tied the other end around my neck. I had a stool beneath my feet, which I planned on kicking out from underneath me once everything had been secured. I also drank several shots of alcohol, hoping that would numb my common sense, but that only made me more aware of what I was doing.
Once I had planned my ending, I stood still on the stool, looking out into my darkened room. I felt my heart pulse against my chest and my whole shoulders buzzed from the circulation slowly being cut off around my neck. My feet toyed with the stool as I decided whether to kick it or not. I wanted badly to end my life. I didn't care about Mrs. Hudson, or Sarah, or Lestrade -- I just wanted to get away from the haunting silence of your non-existence.
While I stood there, contemplating, I had this nagging thought that I shouldn't That perhaps you would. come back. Oh, Sherlock. What a fantastic moment that would be! If I killed myself and you returned? But, what are the chances?
Well, obviously, I didn't kill myself. I jerked the scarf off and fell to the floor. I didn't cry, or scream out in anger. Instead, it was almost like I was coming terms to reality. To be honest, I found myself believing that you never existed. That this whole Sherlock Holmes was better catogorized as a figment of my imagination. I forced mself to believe that you never died and that we had never met. In that small time period, I felt better about things. But then, morning came and I knew the truth.
You're dead. And I'll never see you again.