Harry stays curled into my chest for a long time. He lets out soft sighs in his sleep, and something tells me this is the best sleep he's had in a long time. He's shattered right now, but despite everything, there's something more at peace in him.
The first thing I did when he fell asleep was text Anne and my mom, telling them what Dr. Atkins said. They both insisted on flying to L.A., but I told them to wait until we got the official explanation. Harry would see his mom every day of his life if he could, but he'd also feel bad if she flew out for him. Like she always has, Anne understands Harry like nobody else, and she understood that he wouldn't want her to come all this way prematurely. My mom was ready to book flights until I assured her that I would call her as soon we got the explanation.
I researched everything that Dr. Atkins said for at least an hour, trying to get as much information as I can. I'm obviously no doctor, but every symptom that Harry has is listed under symptoms for exhaustion.
I decided to not tell anyone else about Harry. I considered texting the group chat with Mitch, Charlotte, Sarah, Adam and Ny Oh, but they've got their first performance in New York in a few weeks and are all staying there. It's been on the back of my mind that I don't think Harry and I are going to be able to see them like I promised we would, but right now probably isn't the time to be obsessing over that.
Someone from the hospital came to bring Harry food at some point, and their eyes went wide when they realised who the patient was. They didn't say anything, but after so long with Harry, I can pick up on even the most discreet facial expressions people pull when they realise they're in his presence. He's never told me, but I can tell he struggles to understand why some people react the way they do when they see him. Although he has a tendency to be an 'arrogant son of a bitch', he's still humble beyond words.
I don't know what to do about his letter. Of course I'm going to tell him I read it, I just don't know when. I wasn't supposed to know it even existed, and he already has enough on his plate without knowing I found and read something so personal to him.
I hate the feeling of not being able to do anything, and that's how I feel right now. There is nothing I can do to stop the sadness and pain choking him. I know what I said, or more screamed at him, yesterday was a massive trigger for everything that followed, and no words or actions or apologies can take that away.
Once the sun has set and the sky is dark, I'm just about to text Liam and tell him to come back to say whatever he was going to say earlier today, when he trails back in with the band following closely behind.
'Hey.' I smile gently, careful not to move my arm or speak too loud to wake Harry, who is still asleep on me. I'm absentmindedly tracing patterns on his tattooed left arm as though it will somehow ease his pain.
'Sorry about coming in earlier today. I should've knocked.' Liam apologises, eyes fixed on Harry.
'You're fine. He didn't even realise.' I respond.
'How is he?' Niall questions. All the boys are keeping a safe distance away from us, probably because they don't know how to act around their best friend, who, while they didn't see it themselves, is barely keeping it together.
'He's doing..alright.' I say, looking down to see his eyes still closed. He's not alright, but I don't want to tell them about things I don't think he'd want them to know. 'The doctor spoke to me and said they're running tests and they think he collapsed because of exhaustion, dehydration and stress. And the laryngitis too.'
The room stills at my explanation, and all the boys' faces contort into shock and anger and fear. There's shock because hearing it is just shocking. There's anger, because they know who caused it and they're just as angry as I am. And finally, there's fear because they're well aware that this could've been any of them. The only thing that pushed Harry over the edge was probably what happened between us yesterday and this morning, and the guilt is aching in my stomach because of it.
'Fuck.' Louis breathes. 'He's going to be fine, right?'
'He needs a lot of rest for the laryngitis and for everything else, but I think so.' If it is exhaustion, then the research I did says he'll be okay. 'The doctor is confirming an explanation and I think she'll come in with results soon. She didn't seem too worried.' I say quietly, looking down at the broken Harry with his head on my chest and hand gripping my hoodie. Physically, I think he'll be okay but I don't know how long it's going to take to get back the jovial Harry I love so much. 'Are you all okay too? I know we're here because of Harry, but you're all going through the same as him.' This could have been any one of these boys, and everything Harry said to me is weighing heavy in my heart.
None of them say they're fine, but they all promise they will be once Harry's back to being Harry. I'm not sure how long that's going to take, but the love these boys have for each other will always amaze me, no matter how many times I see it. The room goes quiet, and I can tell we're all thinking the same thing. I'm about to start a conversation that we've all been avoiding, but it can't be avoided anymore.
'I think we need to do something about the management. You're all being overworked, and you're not getting treated the way you should, as the artists. I know it's not my place, but it's gone too far.' I say nervously, unsure of what their responses will be.
'That's what we came here to talk about.' Niall breathes, sucking air through his teeth and slipping his hands into his pockets. I'm more than relieved to hear that that's what they're here for. The boys' eyes keep flitting between each other, me, or Harry and I don't blame them for not knowing where to look. The room is fairly dark now, mainly only lit up from the lights and moon outside the windows.
'We called and told them we're going to indefinitely stop recording until Haz is right again.' Liam says, and relief floods over me. It doesn't solve every problem, but at least it's something. 'That's why I came in before, to tell you. I called up to tell them what had happened with him, which obviously I didn't want to, but they have to know. I was just telling them that we're done until he's right again. It was probably a bit mean of me considering I was talking to Jett who isn't that bad, but I can't stand seeing my best friend here.' Liam explains. I know he had to talk to them and tell them, and I'm so grateful they're stopping recording now, but management knowing is only going to cause issues. But, those issues seem light if it means they don't have to go into the studio.
'You guys need the break too, you did the right thing by fighting back with them on this.' I say, and all the boys nod their heads in agreement. 'I think he's going to sleep for the rest of the night, if you want to go home and get some rest?' I ask.
'Visiting hours close at 9 so I think we'll go then,' Liam says, and my heart drops. I swear I feel sleeping Harry tightening his grip on me. Why did it not cross my mind that there's visiting hours? I can't leave Harry for the whole night, but I'm going to have to do just that, in two hours. 'But, Louis basically forced the nurses and doctors or whoever else to let you stay, so you can be here all night. Niall tried to help, but he didn't do much.' Liam laughs, looking at each of the boys when he mentions their name. As soon as he says it, I'm so relieved and it definitely shows on my face.
'Hey! At least I tried.' Niall laughs. The room is still thick in everyone's fear, but the boys being able to smile is one second where the air lightens.
'I was fighting for basic human rights.' Louis shrugs, teasing Niall. I'm relieved to find out Louis' and Liam's minor blow up is something of the past.
'They said we're already pushing it because there's only supposed to be 4 visitors in a room at a time, and there were 5 of us in here before, but you can stay.' Liam confirms.
'Thank you.' I smile, breathing a sigh of relief. 'And thank you for trying.' I laugh, looking at Niall. The relief that I can stay has momentarily stopped my panic, hence why I'm able to manage a genuine smile and laugh.
'If you're going to stay the night, do you want to leave for a bit to grab something to eat and some warmer clothes and anything else and we can wait here? We'll just leave at 9, so you've got..two hours.' Louis asks. I want to, and probably need to leave and go home, but I can't leave Harry here while he's sleeping. Even if it's only two hours.
'I should, but I just don't want to leave him.' I say, trying to show my appreciation at his offer anyway. I look down to the body hanging off me like a koala, and without any prompting, the koala starts moving, and looks up to me with bloodshot green eyes. I think the koala has been awake for a while.
'You can go.' He says, so quietly that I don't think any of the other boys can hear what he's saying. His voice sounds even worse now and he's not supposed to be talking but I keep letting him.
'Are you sure?' I ask, nearly forgetting there are 3 other people in the room.
'You'll come back?' His eyes are clouded in desperation and concern as though I'd actually leave and never come back.
'Of course I will.' I smile reassuringly. He's so vulnerable right now and I hate the thought of leaving him, but I really need to go home and eat and shower, since I haven't done either since yesterday.
He gives me a little nod back, finally abiding by his no speaking rules.
'Okay.' I smile, and kiss him on the cheek. With hesitation and reluctance on both ends, I wriggle out of his grip and onto the ground.
'That fucker was awake this whole time. You're with a con artist, Sophie.' Louis jokes, pointing to Harry. I laugh in response, letting the casual reply hide my worry for what he said to me earlier today. Harry tries for a smile too, but I can tell how forced it is. He was able to manage a brave face earlier today, but he's given up on that now.
'Do you want me to bring anything back?' I ask the boys, but nobody has any requests. I ask the same question again, this time directed at Harry, but he shakes his head.
'Are you hungry?' I ask again. He nods in response, so I pass him the tray of food that the nurse brought in. It doesn't look particularly appealing. 'Are you sure you don't want me to bring you food?' I query, lifting the lid on the plate. It wouldn't have been bad if he had eaten when they brought it in, but it doesn't look so good an hour later. He shakes his head again, because he's just too stubborn for me to change his mind. I can't get the picture of his collapsed body and tear stained cheeks out of my head, and leaving him, even if it's only for a short period of time, is freaking me out.
'No talking and you'll let him sleep once he's eaten. Understood?' I say to the boys, while looking over at Harry who has his eyes on me while I open the door. All the boys promise that he's in good hands, and I reluctantly leave. I'm not sure if he likes how he's being fawned over by us, but he doesn't have the energy or the voice to say anything about it.
On the way out of the hospital I walk by Eleanor and Maya in the waiting room, and update them on what the doctor said and thank them again for coming, letting them know that they don't have to say.
I don't have my car with me, so I have to Uber back to my apartment. Once I get there, I shower and eat, and change into a clean hoodie and sweats. I haven't looked inside the bag Eleanor gave me, but she's always so thoughtful and organised, so there probably isn't much else that I'd need to bring. I grab a few other random things, and head back out the door.
The guilt and fear and sadness is running rampant inside me, but I'm drawing on every bit of strength I have to give to Harry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I walk back into the hospital room to find the boys chatting with each other. Harry is included in the conversation, but he's obviously not saying anything back. He's listening to them talk, but he's fiddling with the sheets and he only looks like he's half paying attention.
His eyes shoot up when he hears the door open, and his intense gaze is enough to move my feet in his direction. For someone who acts like a teddy bear, he never fails to use his incredibly intimidating stare whenever he feels like it.
'Your son behaved well. Didn't talk and ate all his tea.' Louis says, nodding in Harry's direction to show his approval. I think all the boys are acting much more casual and unbothered now that they know Harry can hear them, because apart from the odd comment, they were much more stressed when they thought he was asleep.
'I'm glad to hear that.' I smile, utilising the same trick as they are. I stand beside Harry's bed, so he feels like he's more involved in a conversation he can't actually participate in. 'Did the doctor come by?'
'She did, but she said she wanted to talk when you were here and would come back. Assured us that it was all fine though.' Louis explains. Of course I would miss her appearance.
'I walked out before to grab some water about 5 minutes ago,' Liam says, lifting up a plastic cup. He's Liam Payne and could probably get bottled Fiji water, but he's obviously satisfied with water cooler water. 'And Leslie was out there causing a real stir. No clue why she didn't come earlier. She was doing that thing where she talks like Mother Theresa, all kind and nurturing, but shooting daggers with her eyes. The poor nurses didn't know what to do.' Liam recalls. 'She was going on about making sure nobody sees us here, and signing non disclosure agreements and all this other rubbish. She wanted to come in and see Haz, but they told her visiting hours close in 5 minutes and she'll have to come back tomorrow morning. Don't think she saw me.' He finishes.
'So she's gone?' I ask, only really caring about whether she's here or not and not what other drama she brought with her. I didn't see her on my way in, but I also wasn't really looking.
'Yeah, she's gone. She'll definitely come tomorrow, but what else would you expect from Cruella.' Liam answers.
'Cruella?' Louis frowns, and then the realisation hits him. 'Oh..Cruella De Vil. Seriously Payno?' He teases, eyes scrunching up accusatively.
'What? That's just what I call her.' Liam fires back, completely unphased. Coming up with Disney nicknames for real world antagonists is definitely typical Liam.
'You four are like the dalmatians she wants for her coat, I assume?' I ask, and the boys all smile at my analysis of yet another one of Liam's comments. Even Harry manages a small smile at that.
'That's not a bad metaphor actually.' Niall grins, nodding his head. Liam is much more insightful than he may appear from first interaction. 'Anyway, we should probably get going. It's 9 now, and I don't want to get kicked out.'
All the boys say their goodbyes and leave, promising they'll be back tomorrow. Part of me wishes that they don't come back, because they need to rest and a day to do nothing too. They know that there's so much more to talk about for where they're going to go from here, because this has been a wakeup call for everyone, but they need to sleep.
Dr. Atkins comes in soon after, and I stand up from my seat, reaching for Harry's hand.
'Hello to the both of you.' She smiles, and her relaxed demeanour gives me hope that their final conclusion isn't terrible news. The uncertainty has been killing me all day. 'I came in earlier, but you weren't here, and I wanted to wait.' She says to me.
'Thank you.' I respond, and Harry's grip on my hand tightens.
'I've got the official conclusion,' She says, reading over the papers in her hand. 'And like I said earlier, the collapse was caused by a lot of different factors. Exhaustion was the main cause, but a diagnosis of exhaustion is more of an umbrella term that encompasses a lot of different things. In this case, the blood work indicates dehydration, and that, paired with the stresses of a busy life, was the cause. Alongside that was also the laryngitis, which was an additional factor that played into the exhaustion.' She explains. I'm not sure whether to feel relieved that the diagnosis isn't something more serious like the paramedics were suggesting, or scared at how Harry was so run down that he collapsed. 'The body's response to stress is something called the General Adaptation Syndrome, which likely credits what happened here. In some instances, the process explains a quick response to a momentary stressor, but with prolonged stress, it explains what happens in the body to lead a much more serious reaction like this.'
'Okay.' I say, nodding my head and taking in all the information. I look over to Harry who is still gripping onto my hand, and he's watching her talk with an unreadable expression on his face. His eyes meet mine, and a look of fear and confusion flashes in his eyes.
'GAS is a three stage process. The first is the alarm reaction stage, which are the initial symptoms you would have experienced when faced with the stress. You're releasing cortisol, the stress hormone, and you're also getting a boost of adrenaline which increases energy.' She says to Harry, and then looks at me. 'Because of this, I imagine that Harry was able to function quite normally given that he was under a great deal of stress and little sleep.' She says, and it fits perfectly. After the 23rd, Harry was barely sleeping but still managed to work on overdrive. He had the shoot with GQ and wrote all those letters, he was going on runs and staying at the studio until very late and he was doing it with relative ease.
'Then is the resistance stage. Like I was saying earlier, if someone is facing a momentary stressor, the resistance stage is the stage where the body will repair itself. However, in your case, the stress was continuing and your body was still in overdrive. It would've started to adapt to the conditions of higher levels of stress. Your body would have been going through a lot of internal changes you wouldn't have had any idea about. You might think you're coping with the stress well, but it's another story physically, and you were probably irritable and frustrated quite frequently as a result. When this goes on for too long, it becomes the exhaustion stage.' She explains to Harry, and it only makes more sense. This was when we were always arguing and snapping at each other, and he was always annoyed about something. And, if he wasn't, he was lost in his head or brooding. Ever since we were in New York, I think Harry was in the resistance stage.
'Then the exhaustion stage, which most people don't reach, however you did. This is the result of prolonged stress. Struggling with stress for extended periods of time drains you, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and it will reach a point where the body doesn't have the resources to fight stress anymore. In this stage, a person will be fatigued, burnt out and feel a large sense of hopelessness.' She finishes, and she's spot on. While I was in Paris and once I got back, he'd reached exhaustion. His letter is the perfect example of feeling complete hopelessness, and he was obviously on the verge of a burnout.
'So, with all this in mind, we can officially say that the cause of the collapse was exhaustion, paired with dehydration and stress. You've got the drip for fluids,' She says, pointing to the IV stand beside his bed. 'And given the circumstances, it's safe to say it's not chronic exhaustion. We'd like to see you stay overnight for observation, but I don't see any reason to suggest you won't be discharged tomorrow. Things like this are scary, but usually they're just a wake up call and a reminder to go easier on your body. If the stress is prolonged over an extended period of time, then you risk facing much more adverse effects, but from what I understand your stress began just over a month ago, which isn't enough for you to face other health concerns as a result. It's not actually as uncommon as you'd think. It's just going to be a lot of resting for the next few weeks, but you'll be back to normal in no time.' She smiles comfortingly at Harry, and I let out the anxiety that I've been pretending to ignore all day.
'That's great to hear.' I smile genuinely.
'We'll discuss more tomorrow for recovery, but I'll leave you to sleep now. Did you have any questions before I go?' She asks. I wrack my brain for anything to ask her, but her explanation, paired with all the research I did earlier today, means there isn't anything left to ask. I look to Harry, who seems to be trying to tell me he doesn't have anything to ask either.
'I think we're alright. Thank you for everything you've done.' I smile again, and Harry manages one too. She leaves with another smile, and then it's just him and I. I know this situation isn't ideal, and we have a lot more issues than just his physical health, but after the whirlwind that today has been, I couldn't be more relieved to hear that the outcome isn't more serious.
Once she's gone, Harry pulls me onto his bed and curls into me again. Even after everything, the way that he gets so affectionate when he's tired hasn't left him.
Eventually he makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and I follow him and stand by the door, fiddling with my necklace. I couldn't be happier to find out that he's going to be okay, but it's clouded by the fact that I know he's hurting inside, and I don't know if there's anything I can do to stop it. We have our own problems too, that we need to talk over, but I can't push what he said to me in that letter and earlier today out of the forefront of my mind.
He finishes the teeth brushing and walks over to me, without saying anything. He threads his hands in the spaces between my folded arms and snakes his arms around my waist. I uncross my arms, looking up to meet his forest green eyes that have a lot less light in them than I'm used to. He leans down so our foreheads touch, and I watch his eyes flutter closed.
'I love you.' He says quietly, bringing his right hand up to cup my jawline.
Before I have a chance to respond, he closes the gap and kisses me. It's soft, and gentle, and it's comforting. Every other terrible thing that has happened in the last 24 hours is long forgotten when all I can focus on is him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next morning, Harry is so much chirpier, and while everything that made him break down yesterday still lingers, it's not making the air heavy. Maybe some of it was as a result of the exhaustion stage he was in - hopelessness, like Dr Atkins said. He's still so far from the old Harry, but little pieces are starting to reappear. It's going to take more than sleep to rid him of everything that consumed him yesterday, but we'll work on it. The letter is still in the back of my mind, but I'm forcing it as far down as possible, because I can't think about it right now.
Currently, he's asking me to go to the studio to pick up his white 1970 Telecaster and the Columbia hoodie he left there, by scrawling it down on a piece of paper.
Last night, I think it sunk in for him that he's not going back into the studio until he's better. I know the boys told him they've told management they're not going back until he's back to the usual Harry but even if they didn't, I wouldn't let him go. I don't care anymore about not trying to cause a big deal or make a scene with his management. I knew what they were doing was wrong, and I let it happen, and nothing I do is going to take that guilt away. So, I'm going to do everything to never let it happen again.
I don't want to leave him, even though he's so much better this morning, but he's insistent that I go. He knows he won't be back to the studio for a long time, and he's very attached to his Fender Telecaster and doesn't want it there without his watchful eye. He also seems to have more of a thing for the Columbia hoodie than I do, because he's insistent that I get that too.
I'll do just about anything for Harry Styles, so I agree to go and get his prized possessions.
Just as I get out of my seat beside his bed, he picks up his phone and starts typing. The puffy yellow star sticker that Freddie stuck on there is still on the black case. Then, my phone dings.
Can you get me a banana while you're gone? If it's not too much trouble. Really feel like a banana. I love you.
I laugh out loud when I read the message. He could probably get 1000 bananas if he requested, but he'd rather enslave me than the hospital.
'You are so lucky I'm willing to play iCarly with you right now.' I laugh, kissing him gently before leaving the room on my quest for a guitar and a hoodie and a banana so early in the morning.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I get to the studio, I'm surprised by how many cars there are in the parking garage. This studio has more than just one studio, so it's not unusual that the band are recording while there are other people recording in the other studios in the building, but it's unusual that there are so many cars so early in the morning. Most notably is Leslie's black Mercedes in her usual spot across from the back door.
I walk in, and go to the lounge first, assuming the hoodie might be there. The boys have made it their home, with various bottles of half drunk water and other belongings, but no Columbia hoodie. I walk back down the hallway and into the live room, but stop at the doorway when I see a large group of people I recognise from management, with Leslie standing at the front. Nobody notices me by the door, and by the shouting coming from Leslie, something tells me I shouldn't make my presence known.
'I imagine you're all wondering why I've called you in.' Leslie seethes. 'Harry is in the hospital, and I don't know which one of you allowed the rest of them to take the day off, but I wouldn't be shocked at whoever did it.' She starts, eyeing every single member in the group. 'You are meant to be a team qualified enough to manage the world's biggest brand, and you just give them days off, the one day I'm not here!' She yells suddenly.
'Harry is um..he's in the hospital for exhaustion, Leslie. We thought they needed a..break since it's..they're working every day for hours. They haven't had a day off yet.' Jett mumbles, like he often does, struggling to keep eye contact with Leslie whose eyes are alight with anger.
'Of course I know they haven't had a day off! I'm aware of what I make happen here!' She snaps violently, waving her hand around the room. 'Do you want this album out in two months or not? My god, what did you think I was doing yesterday night? I was trying to get into that damn hospital to stop them getting this story released into the press!' She shouts, pointing at nothing in particular. Her face is going red hot in her anger, and the sight is almost scary. 'For anyone who was wondering and wasn't too busy giving them days off, I spent my morning making sure the photo we released of Harry and that woman gained traction and media attention.' Her statement is met with a room of confused stares.
'We released a photo?' Someone asks.
'God, this is unbelievable!' She yells. 'I took a photo of Harry with a woman here and had it released. This type of incompetency is exactly why you are not fit to control this brand!' She yells even louder, and every bit of anger that I've held for this management and this woman threatens to explode. 'Might I remind you that Harry Styles is the sex appeal of the brand! How does it look for him to be fucking just his assistant?' That makes the breath hitch in my throat.
'She's his girlfriend.' Someone from management, I think a girl named Mia, cuts in nervously.
'She's also his assistant.' Leslie says, condescendingly slow. 'An assistant, do you understand? She brings absolutely no publicity.'
'Well how about Louis and Niall are worried that Liam is going to start drinking again. Is that enough publicity if we release a photo of that?' Mia spits, gaining strength with each word. I didn't know about that, and my heart aches if what she's saying is true.
'Good for him.' Leslie snaps, and Mia retracts in shock.
'Harry collapsed! Louis was crying last week in the break room, and Niall didn't even get to talk to his cousin except to say goodbye on Friday. She stayed in the break room the whole time. This is too much for them!' Mia yells, pointing to the lounge area behind the wall. She's almost crying.
'They signed up for this.' Leslie fumes, getting angrier with each reply from Mia.
'They signed up to end the hiatus and come back, not this! Your 'method' has gone too far, and it's done.' Mia says, struggling to keep her voice strong. I know the look in her eyes all too well. It's guilt.
'I don't care, Mia. I really don't care. They're here now and you can get over it.' Leslie snaps, and Mia's mouth closes and she gives in, like we all have. 'It has become very clear to me that this management company is not suitable to control the band. From here on out, Modest will be taking back control. I have had to give you all roles like 5 year old children from the second I got here, and it is very clear to me that none of you are capable of making one appropriate decision to ensure this brand is worth something. It would not surprise me to find out that I am responsible for each and every one of your actions in the last month. Quite frankly, this management does not have the capability to allow the One Direction brand to achieve anything!' She spits. 'This brand would be nothing without Modest, and without what I've put into it in this last month! I cannot fathom what would have happened if a representative from Modest had not saved the brand from becoming nothing after its return.' She seethes, turning on her heel and walking away as though the conversation is over. This time, Steph says something with a lot more aggressiveness dripping from her tone than I knew she was capable of.
'The clause in the contract states that you, as a representative from Modest, are here for 4 months. You're breaking the contract if you try to take control.' She states angrily. The whole room sees Leslie's shoulders tense, and then she spins back around.
'Does it look like I give two fucks about a contract? Your management is not capable of managing something of this scale. I would like to make it clear to you all that One Direction is the biggest brand in the world right now. It is an empire, not a group of boys who like to sing! Get that through your heads, or god save us all!' She screams, inching closer to Steph.
'That's the thing Leslie, they're artists. Singers. A band. They are not a company, an empire or a brand. One of the members is in the hospital right now because of the amount you make them work.' Steph states calmly, pointing her finger at Leslie.
'Stephanie!' Leslie snaps. 'Stick to asking Harry's assistant to get coffees like I tell you to, and shut your mouth about anything else. You do not understand how to manage a band worth three hundred and forty million dollars.'
It's been Leslie this whole time.