The trip ended abruptly after Justin's revelation. I tried with everything in me to give him the benefit of the doubt because who was I to be upset with him over that? My infidelity loomed over me as a rain cloud and even though I knew with everything in me that Justin was the father of the baby I'd been carrying, there was no use in me trying to deny the fact that he was ultimately right.
Scooter, Justin and I took the private jet back to Canada in an almost deadly silence. Even if we wanted to make proper conversation, we couldn't because things had already turned weird. The tension amongst us was suffocating and there was no way we'd be able to alleviate it right now with the way our emotions were flying.
Once we actually landed, Justin instructed our driver to only take me. He insisted on waiting for a different driver to arrive riding and even when we made it to our homes, he refused to come to my parents house. Maybe it was for the best. It would give us enough time to cool down so we could try revisiting the conversation when we weren't ready to bite each other heads off.
Mom and Dad were sitting in the living room watching something on tv. When mom noticed my presence, she raced over to the door and smothered me in a much needed hug while dad said his hello's from the sofa. I motioned mom upstairs with me so I could tell her everything that had been going on so far.
"How was the trip? Barbados? I mean it doesn't really get better than that does it?"
Her excitement reminded me of how happy Justin and I were to be going on our first real vacation as a married couple and somehow the both of us managed to royally screw it up. I wish there was a version of the story that seemed magical, but every time I thought of something that was great, his reaction to my pregnancy ruined the entirety of the vacation. Somehow getting the best news of my life turned out to be not what I was expecting it to be.
"It was amazing at first. We spent much needed time together. We were on the same page and honestly it felt good. Then things changed," I paused, shrugging my shoulders and taking a seat next to her on the bed. "I started feeling sick and thought I had a stomach bug. Turns out the bug was just a baby. I'm pregnant."
Before words could come from her mouth, she jumped to her feet with her mouth hanging agape. This was the reaction I wanted. I smiled at her and nodded until I realized that now even her reaction didn't satisfy the longing in me. Justin was the only person that could fix that and since we weren't talking right now, it'd have to go unnoticed.
"You're kidding! I'm gonna be a grandma? That's great news," she smiles, pulling me into a hug.
"There's more," I added. "And before you bash me on what I'm about to tell you, I know. I already know that I messed up. I had an affair with someone. We used protection of course, but when I told Justin I was pregnant, he wasn't excited because he assumed I cheated. I'm not innocent, obviously, but his assumption of me cheating was solely based off of the fact that he had gotten a vasectomy while touring without telling me."
Her eyes grew wider. The room held our silence for a moment while we both tried to come up with a rebuttal.
"Wait. A lot is going on right now. So Justin got a vasectomy while on tour and didn't tell you?" I nodded my head and allowed her to lay out the play by play. "And you had an affair while he was gone which he thinks resulted in your pregnancy since he had the vasectomy before the vacation started?" She questions, waiting for my confirmation. It was obvious the information was heavy and tons to process. She sounded hurt, but most of all—disappointed. "Brooke, you cheated on Justin?"
The hostility in the room was too much to miss. I could feel the defensiveness sneaking up on me ready to attack her, but I swallowed it in order to have an actual conversation about this entire situation.
"It wasn't like that, mom. I mean it was, but it wasn't. I didn't wake up one morning spontaneously waiting to cheat on my husband, mom. It just happened. He and I had a moment and somehow it led to us having sex. I regret it with everything in me and I know that I can't take it back."
"A moment?" She asks.
The both of us took a seat on the bed again. Standing seemed too confrontational and that was the last thing either of us needed.
"He lost his kid and his wife left him. I lost my baby. We were talking about the coffee shop and coming up with names and we ended up deciding on a name that combined both of our kids name. We talked for what seemed liked forever and honestly it was the first time that I had talked to someone who understood what it felt like to lose a child. I can't talk about Aria with Justin. In all reality, he wasn't her dad. It doesn't make him feel the way I do because he was never apart of her. Jacob and I both shared that level of grieving and it felt good to hade someone understand the emptiness. We never meant for anything to happen."
Mom didn't say anything for a moment. I reckoned it was because she didn't want to sound like the bad guy, but either way, she was going to get her point across to me. I was okay with that, a part of me just hoped that she'd understand where I was coming from.
"Does Justin know that you actually did cheat or is he still basing the pregnancy on it because of his vasectomy?"
"I never admitted to cheating. I was going to but then he called Scooter over and it felt like the both of them were ganging up on me. Defense mode kicked in and I completely shut down."
Silence holds us for a while longer. Mom grabbed ahold of my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze before standing from the bed and walking over to the door. She turns around to glance at me before letting a small sigh escape her lips.
"Go talk to your husband," she sighs again. "Tell him the truth now so the both of you can work it out and move on from it or it'll eat you alive."
She goes to leave but I call for her attention before she could disappear behind the door.
"Do you think I'm a bad wife? Am I the only one at fault here?"
"B, I don't have the right to answer to whether or not you're a bad wife or not. I'm not married to you. What I can tell you is marriages go through these types of hurdles on a daily basis. It's not something pleasant and it's not always guaranteed forgiveness from your spouse but it's still on you to ask for it and to respect how they choose to respond to that. And I'm not giving him immunity. Having a vasectomy behind your back knowing how much starting a family meant to you isn't okay either. The truth between you both has been compromised and that's not always easy to come back from, but you have to try."
She gave me a nod and finally walked away.
I hated the fact that she was right. With everything in me I wanted him to be the one to come over here apologizing for going behind my back to take away my opportunity of getting pregnant knowing all of the complications we've had since trying to conceive. It hurt but I had to swallow my pride and be the bigger person.
The walk to Pattie's I tried to conjure up an ideal scene on how this was going to play out but then immediately lost it all once he had opened the door. He looked like a proper husband and all I wanted to do was kiss his lips and melt into his arms.
Justin didn't say anything to me. He opened the door and let me inside before the both of us made it to his room.
"Where's mom?" I question, sitting on his bed.
"She had to go to the market to pick up a few things did dinner tonight." He ends, folding his arms across his chest.
"Did you tell her about Barbados?"
He shook his head and took a seat at his desk. The awkwardness was worse than I imagined on my walk over here.
"Why'd you have the vasectomy, Justin? Is it because you secretly never wanted a baby with me? Do you not love me anymore?"
"Brooke, c'mon." He sighs. "I wouldn't have married you if I didn't want to have children with you knowing that that's what you've wanted. I want a family just as much as you do," he paused. Guilt was prevalent in his speech. "What I did was stupid and I wish that I could give you some elaborate explanation on how it came to be, but I can't. I was being stupid. The guys on tour dared me to. I didn't think it would be such a big deal because I was going to do it, and then have the reversal surgery right after without them knowing. Scooter and I tried everywhere to find someone willing to do the reversal in short notice but there was no one willing to do it and have to handle the bad press."
And that's why Scooter's reaction was the way it was.
"Scooter knew about this?"
"He's the one that nearly killed me when he found out. I didn't do it with malicious intent against you, babe. Honestly there's no reasonable explanation describing why I did it," he breathes. "And that's what led me to believe you were unfaithful to me while I was away. I didn't even consider the fact that we'd had sex before I left again. I was projecting and I'm sorry."
He stands from the desk chair and sits beside me on his bed before grabbing my hand.
"I want this baby as much as you do. I'd have a million babies with you if I could."
The tears forming in my eyes burned my nose and he could tell I was on the verge of tears. He comforted me with a hug and pulled me into his chest. We stayed there for a moment until he created enough distance between us so that he could kiss me. Our lips barely brushed together before the churning in my belly took over.
"Wait," I paused, placing my hand on his chest before our lips could fully touch. "I did cheat." The immediate look of hurt on his face broke every single piece of my heart. Betrayal like that wasn't easy to come back from. Even I wouldn't forgive me. "I-I. I'm not going to try and justify why or how it happened because it doesn't matter. It won't change the fact that I invited someone into our marriage."
Nothing. He didn't say anything. The two of use held quiet in the lingering silence, neither one of us knowing what to say next or how to react.
"Who was it? It was that guy from Balzac's isn't it? Jack?"
"Yes. Jacob."
Justin springs to his feet and paces his bedroom floor with his teeth nibbling at his nails.
"Tell me what happened. I want to know every single detail. Then from there I'll decide how this thing will go," he ends, leaning against the door frame.
_______
Don't forget to vote and comment 😁🤍