(For clarification, "Mom" is refering to Underswap Toriel, who we learned adopted you in an earlier chapter)
[Y/N POV]
I woke up in my room at dinnertime, and headed down to the dining room, where everyone else was already seated. I took my seat beside Nightmare, per usual, and tried not to make eye contact, which I of course failed at. Our eyes met for just a second, and I looked away, resisting the urge to cover my mouth.
Dinner was definetly tense, and I could tell the others were affected the tension as well. I didn't eat much, and excused myself quietly. I didn't want to bother the others more than I already had. I went back to my room and flopped onto my bed, rolled onto my side and curled up into a ball, arms wrapped around my torso.
I hated the tension. I didn't want things to be akward with Nightmare, he was my friend, my best friend really. Why did he do that anyway? Was it some kind of show of dominance? Did he lose his mind for a minute? Was he... trying to flirt with me or something?
I sighed, tightening my arms around myself. I missed Mom, she would know just what to say to make me feel better. She always had good advice, and if she have any, Papy would. Despite his lazy attitude, he knew a lot about how people worked; of anyone could help me figure this out it would be him.
I sat up, feeling my little black cloud settle around me, doubt, unceartainty, fear, all swirling around, surrounding me. I closed my eyes, and focused on putting it away. Crammed it into a little glass jar, screwed the cap on tight, and settled it in my chest, along with all the others.
I had a large collection, pain, sadness, doubt, hatred, fear, loneliness, grief and so much more, all sealed away in their own jars, all stacked up in my chest. Some days, I hardly noticed them, they stayed still, and were light. Those were the good days. But I had bad days too. Days where they wobbled precariously, and every movement, every word, was careful, calculated, so as to stop them from crashing down.
Today had definitely gone bad.
I pulled my knees up to my chin, wrapping my arms around myself again. I couldn't stop more pain from coming though, that was the worst part of the bad days. There was always more to store away, and I always came close to bursting. I almost never got to take anything out.
Sometimes, a little woe, after it had been put away for a long time, would fade, and I could take it out and let it go, but only very rarely. It was never enough though. There was always something to take its place. My collection was always growing. A few times I would be able to confess, confide in Mom, or Papy, but that was even rarer, and it usually made me feel guilty.
I hated feeling like a burden.
I tried to pull these thoughts into their own jar, but they pulled back, and I couldn't stop a few tears from escaping. Eventually, I was able to force them into their jar.
Just as I did, there was a knock on my door.
I got up, keeping one arm around my torso, steadying my stacks. I wiped my face before opening the door. It was Nightmare. He seemed nevous, and when he noticed my puffy eyes, he looked concerned.
"Hey, (Y/N)." He shifted his footing, glancing at the floor and then back up at me. "I, uh... just wanted to apologise for my behavior earlier. I shouldn't have lost my temper with you like that. I'm sorry." I nodded slightly, and he peered at me.
"And, um. I'm sorry for, y'know, the rest of it. I honestly don't know what got into me..."
He trailed off, waiting for a response. I didn't know what to say. I was glad he apologised for losing his temper, and... a part of me was glad he apologised for the bite thing too, but another part of me... was a little hurt? I don't know why...
"It's o-" I was cut off by the lump in my throat. Nightmare's expression softened.
"(Y/N)... are you okay?"
I covered my mouth with one hand, afraid to try to speak. I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn't want to be a burden... I didn't want him to have to deal with my bullshit when he has more important things to worry about.
"...Do you want to talk about it?"
He said it so gently... the only people who had ever used that tone with me were Mom and my brother... such a caring tone, as if he had nothing more important to care about, as if he wanted nothing more than to help me. He had lifted his arms up, as if to steady me, but had stopped halfway there, as if he was afraid his touch would break me. I was sure I looked like it.
It all hurt so much, and I broke. I swayed, he reached out, and I fell into his arms, overcome. I sobbed as he lifted me up, closed the door and brought me to the bed, setting me down while never letting his arms unwrap from me. He held me as my jars came crashing down, shattering and freeing all of the negativity that I had bottled up inside.
I could feel his reaction to all of the emotions flowing out of me, the way he tensed.
Finally, the dust settled, and almost every jar of mine was broken, their contents now flowing through the air around us. All of my jars except one, the one I didn't have the strength to move, the one that sat on my stomach, crushing my appetite.
"I... I'm sorry. I..." I didn't really know what I was trying to say.
Nightmare ran his fingers through my hair. It felt nice.
"Is it my fault?" he asked, shocking me. I sat up, looking at him.
"No! No, of course not!" he didn't really look convinced. I placed my hands on his shoulders.
"I understand that you lost your temper earlier, and that's okay, it happens to everyone! Please don't think that this is your fault in any way... in fact it's really the opposite. Hanging out with you has given me chances to forget about all of this... even if it's just for a few minutes at a time. You have no idea how much good you've done me."
This seemed to lighten his mood a little, but I knew he was still very concerned. I hugged him, resting my head on his shoulder. He hugged me back.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled into his shoulder, "I don't want you to have to deal with all of my emotional baggage, you shouldn't have to."
"Well," Nightmare tilted my chin up with one of his tentacles, meeting my eyes solemnly. "I'm really good at carrying things."
"But seriously, (Y/N), taking care of this stuff is a part of my job." he brushed his fingers along my cheek. "I am the Guardian of Negativity."
Hold up. I pulled back to look at him again. "Guardian?"
He nodded. "King is just for fear factor. Technically, my title is actually guardian."
"Oh. I guess that makes sense." 'Because Dream is the Guardian of Positivity, not that I'm gonna make that connection out loud...'
"Yeah. So, dealing with this kind of stuff is part of my job. I mean, not usually in such a, um, involved manner, but these are different circumstances."
I was quiet for a few moments. He just watched me, waiting patiently. I met his gaze uncertainly. "Are you sure you want to hear about it? There's kind of a lot..."
"Of course I want to hear it, especially since it will help you to talk about it." he told me, offering a small smile. "Besides, I'll never pass up on a chance to learn more about you, (Y/N)."
I smiled a little. "You're too nice to me, Nightmare." He laughed. "You are the only one who has ever said that to me, (Y/N). Of course," he added, twirling a strand of my hair around his finger, "You're also the only person who I've cared about this much in... a very long time."
I blushed. "Alright then."
And I told him. I ended up talking for a long time, telling him about all of the things that hurt me. I cried several times, and he always gave me time to do so, and he never complained or told me to calm down. He just listened and held me. It felt nice to share it with someone, to just let go.
I was losing my voice by the time I got to it. That last little shard in my heart. The one thing I never talk about. I had to whisper to tell him about it. But I did. I told him about my brother.
I told him all about him, who he was. I told him about how much I missed him, and how I wished I could have saved him... taken his place. The only thing that I never mentioned was his name... I still couldn't bring myself to say it. It hurt to talk about him, but it helped too. It helped me accept it. For the first time, I didn't feel like I had to shy away from my memories of him. When I finished, my voice was gone, and I was exausted. But I felt so much lighter. I felt like I might be able to be okay again, someday.
"You should sleep now," Nightmare said softly. "I'll protect you, don't worry."
I smiled as I drifted off, silently thanking him for being there for me.