Donny Hathaway: Jealous Guy
Essie
After months of feeling powerless and being told contradicting information daily – we were finally in the clear. It wasn't an easy path, and to be frank, I wasn't confident they went through all the vaccine testing stages they should have gone through, but it seemed to be working. Life was slowly, but surely returning to normal... as much as it could, given the fact our definition of normal had completely changed. Capacities of events, restaurants and bars were still at a maximum of 50%, but it was something. I was extremely excited for the next stage, in which they would allow concerts in smaller venues. Harry was excited too; I couldn't imagine what it must have been like for him, not setting foot on a stage in such a long time.
Whilst taking Bono out for his morning walk, my phone rang. It was my dad. We had talked a couple of weeks ago, just a regular catch-up and he seemed to be doing fine. They were keeping to the formula of half the company working from home, and half being in the office for alternating weeks.
"Hey dad, what's up?"
"Hello Estee. How are you?", he had that voice, the one he always had when he wanted me to do something I wouldn't like doing.
"I'm fine, thank you. What's up?", I persisted.
"Since everything has been returning to normal, slowly, the company has decided to throw their life achievement award ceremony this following weekend. You know, the one they had to postpone about four times?"
"I remember. What about it?", he was beating around the bushes and I had an inkling he was about to ask me to come photograph the event.
"Turns out that I'm getting the award this year and they've allowed me to invite one guest with a plus one.", I was not expecting that, but I didn't doubt for a second that he would be the recipient of that award one day.
"That's lovely dad! Congratulations. I'll be there.", he sent me the invitation via e-mail and I started looking forward to it.
Bono dragged my ass home, knowing that Harry would be waiting with his breakfast. That dog was more in love with Harry than anyone. I was going to say more in love with him than I was, but that wasn't possible. Memories of the person I was before I gave our relationship a shot made me snicker... that clueless girl had no idea how much love and happiness awaited behind that door.
"Guess what!", I slammed the door shut, beaming with excitement.
"What?"
"You have to guess Harry! It's not fun if you don't guess.", my fake pouts always got him to play along.
"Hmm... you saw a squirrel."
"That is the lamest guess ever. No. Actually, my dad called. He's receiving the life achievement award in his company and he invited us to the ceremony this Saturday!", Harry didn't mirror my excitement.
"That's nice! Are we going to go?"
"Of course. It's my dad. I know it isn't really an event we'd usually attend, but we haven't been out for ages and there will be drinks and at least some food.", I hung Bono's harness and leash at their spot beside the front door and poured myself a cup of coffee.
"And... will Matt also be there?", bingo, I knew there was something about this event that made him uneasy, but I couldn't tell what it was.
"I suppose he will if he still works there. Why?"
"You haven't seen him since the break-up. I just thought it might be awkward, is all.", that wasn't all, but there was no point in pushing with Harry. He'd tell me the whole story once he's given it a whirl over himself.
"That's probably true, but I cannot pass on this event because of an ex. I know it would mean a lot to my dad to see me there. He is an Englishman: strict, firm and well-spoken, but he also has a heart...", he noticed my tone of voice raising to the stage of slight annoyance, so he shrugged his shoulders and nodded, confirming he'd accompany me. This conversation was far from over, though. I knew there would come a time where either of us would demonstrate behaviour that the other wouldn't like, and it seems the time has come.
Harry spent the next couple of days with Mitch, Jeff and the rest of the band and crew, since they were finally able to come to the UK. Their days were long, filled with trying to plan concerts in the UK and make the conditions fair for everybody. I tried telling him there was no way it wouldn't trigger tears and breakdowns when ones get concert tickets and others run out of luck in securing them, but there really wasn't any way of making sure that everybody ended up satisfied. They could do several shows in each of the locations and there would still be people who weren't able to get tickets... there is too many of his fans that will be interested in going. Hopefully, we'd get to resume tour once the world recuperated a bit more.
Becks went with me to get an outfit for the award ceremony, and we were chuffed to be outside and shopping. Man, you really learn to appreciate the little things after spending months inside.
"What are we looking for? A pantsuit or a dress?", she asked as soon as we walked into a shop.
"Becks, you know me... I'm not going to wear a dress. Harry's wearing a light olive coloured suit, which allows us to look for something darker in contrast. Think chic, but comfortable enough.", we spread out over the ground floor and looked through racks of clothing, unable to find anything we liked until, at the last moment, Becks pulled out a dark blue pantsuit from the back of the last rack.
"What about this one?"
"I love it. Let's ask if they have my size. I think it would be perfect, honestly.", the shopping assistant found my size in the back and once I tried it, I got even more excited by the prospect of socialising. The biggest outfit changes I'd done in the last year were from my pyjamas into some yoga pants and back into pyjamas.
"Are you almost ready Harry? The taxi is going to be here any second.", I had just let Bono back in, he played in the garden for a bit and was now sat happily on the sofa with Grey's Anatomy playing in the background.
"Ready.", I heard behind me, "Let me see you.".
"This suit looks smashing on you Harry. I mean... wow.", I made him twirl around the kitchen.
"I look good but, darling, you look absolutely riveting. I saw that pantsuit in the shop, and I never imagined it looking this good when it's on.", he grabbed me by the waist, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. The colour of the suit matched the colour of his eyes and it took everything in me not to spend hour staring into them.
When we walked into the main lobby of Lloyd's, which they'd decided to use to host the ceremony since it turned out extremely difficult to find a venue, I could hardly believe the amount of people. It wasn't more than a hundred, but seeing a crowd that size immediately got me anxious. Side-effects of the pandemic will stick around, I suppose.
"There's dad. Let's go say hello.", Harry was a bit reluctant, not having met my father yet, but there was no need to fear the man. He rarely cared who I went out with, and the most important thing was that I was certain of my choice.
"Dad, hi! You look dashing!", we approached him and he enveloped me in a hug, something he hadn't done in years, which left me in a state of shock, "This here is Harry, my boyfriend.".
"It's so lovely to meet you Harry. I hope you enjoy tonight; I have to go say hello to a few people, but I'll come find you after.", my dad seemed like a different person, he was warm and welcoming, unlike anything I'd ever experienced from him.
"Okay, one panic attack down, one more to go.", Harry muttered.
"It's endearing how you thought meeting my dad would be this big and scary thing, but I'm more interested in the cause of that second panic attack."
"Well, this didn't take long.", just as finished my sentence, a deep voice startled me. I knew who it was, I just didn't want it to be him.
I turned around and saw Matt standing behind us, eyeing us up and down. Turns out, Harry was right, and this was going to be extremely awkward and very much something I wish I could've avoided.
"Hello, Matt. Hope you're well.", I decided to go the polite route, in case he would see me being civil with him and would decide to return the favour.
"You looked pretty cosy just there, I guess congratulations are in order.", he wasn't letting it go and I could feel Harry tense up beside me.
"Matt, give it a rest, it's been a while since you and I parted ways. Behave like and adult, please. Let's not ruin this evening for anyone.", I spoke in my sternest voice and walked away, not even waiting for his reaction.
The rest of the evening was a mixture of applauds and a variation of Harry's comments, telling me Matt was looking at me or staring at us. Both were getting on my last nerve, but I held it together until my dad was presented with his award and we all said goodbye. The ride was silent, neither of us wanting to start anything in a taxi.
"Hold it right there, you're not going anywhere.", I stopped him as he was about to go upstairs and change.
"Here it goes...", he muttered under his breath.
"Here goes what exactly, Harry? He was rude, it was uncalled for and inappropriate. We can agree on that. What I can't seem to wrap my mind around is: a) your attitude and b) those childish comments you kept whispering to me. I didn't care if he was looking at us, he could've stared at us the entire night if he so wished, for all I care. And you shouldn't have been bothered by him either.", my voice remained fairly calm for the most part, but I sort of lost it at the end.
"Excuse me, what did I do wrong? He was looking at you and me, he was snickering and acting like an arse. Is that supposed to just fly over my head? How could I be unbothered by him?", Harry started getting defensive and I had no desire to explain to him the things I thought he should already know.
"Because, and I can deny this all I want, I left him because I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with you. He knows it, I know it... He has every right to be butthurt by this, even though it's immature to go about it like this – I was his girlfriend, now I'm yours and I recall him once telling me he thought something was happening between you and I, and me telling him he was imagining things. So, I get why he acted the way he did. I don't condone it, but I understand it. You, on the other hand, I don't get. Why did you have to get all puffed up and jealous? Aren't you the one who's with me now? Or am I in a relationship with myself?", I struggled to maintain calm, especially after I heard his argument.
"But you never told me that! You never openly told me you left him because of me, how am I supposed to know that? And how is it supposed to make me feel better?"
"I didn't leave him because of you, I left him because of me... So no, there's nothing there to make you feel better, but I honestly don't understand what made you feel so bad tonight.", fighting with Harry wasn't nice, but it couldn't lead to a truce if both of us yelled.
"I got jealous. I can't help that, I get jealous easily.", he admitted.
"Okay, I get that jealousy exists and we've been taught that it's a sign of love and that it shows that someone cares for us. There is a fine line between being slightly jealous, a behaviour that can be described as cute even, and ending up in a fight with your girlfriend every time somebody talks to her in a way that you dislike. We need to bring out the dirty laundry, right here and right now. We've not had a chance to have fights about the real world, since we've been locked inside for most of our relationship. So, let's hear it Styles – show me your worst."
"Ess, there's not much more to say than what I've already shared – I'm a jealous guy, but it's never the type of jealousy that stems from insecurity in the status or strength of my relationship, it's got to do with the bloke. I don't think you have feelings for Matt, in this particular situation, I don't think you ever did... but it bothers me that he was your partner once and that he knows you like I know you. More so because you and I were friends at that time, and I was very much in love with you. So, a lot of feelings hit me like a ton of bricks when I think of Matt. More when he can't keep his eyes off you.", it seemed the route I decided to take this conversation in was working, and it made me feel better knowing that we were getting somewhere instead of just shouting in the kitchen.
"It helps to hear that you're not jealous because you think I'm giving you reason to be. You're right, I didn't have real feelings for Matt and that also means that he doesn't know me the way you do. Nobody knows me the way you do, Harry. I've never been in a healthy relationship before and that is partially because I didn't open myself up to the prospect of one. With you, I did. Now... the jealousy. I look at it like this – it's okay to be protective when someone is eyeing your partner, to put your arm around them or just make sure they're by your side to avoid uncomfortable encounters. But it becomes jealousy in the moment you feel you could lose your partner to that other person. I don't think you feel that way... at least I hope you don't. Protective is something I can understand, all with measure, but jealousy isn't something you get to feel while with me. If I ever decide I don't want to be with someone, I will leave and will never betray their trust. So, no reason for that, okay?"
"You'll never get jealous over me?", this man was so daft sometimes... or he just liked acting it.
"No. I trust you. You have friends that are female, and I don't see a problem with that. You will return to the stage, with thousands of attractive women waiting to catch your eye each night. And it's who you are, you're flirty and cheeky, but you don't do it to hurt anybody's feelings – neither mine nor theirs. I trust you to always do the right thing. The rest is up to you.", Harry looked at me like I was a creature from another universe, like he understood the words that were coming from my mouth but when he strung them together they didn't make a sentence.
"So, you're not a jealous person?", I burst out laughing, because I couldn't tell if he was pulling my leg or completely missing the point.
"Not by nature, and especially not if you don't give me any reason not to trust you. Is there other stuff you'd like to talk about?", still with a very confused expression, he got lost in his thoughts.
"Umm... I don't think so. I mean, having the 'do you want kids' talk would be a bit too soon, right?", the sparkle returned to his eyes and I told myself that the mission was complete.
That's the way Harry worked – he would do something, you would find it odd or it would upset you and at first you would both get mad, then you would each explain where you were coming from, he would get very confused and in the end things would just click in your brains. I'd decided that if I were really going to give this relationship a fair chance, it would have to be a healthy one. A partnership without talking things through wasn't a very good partnership.
"I love you; did you know that?", the cheeky smile was back, and he pulled me into his arms.
"I think I did, yes.", the kiss he planted on my lips felt like coming home from a hundred day long holiday, "And did you know that as good as you look in this Gucci ensemble, I'd prefer to see it on the bedroom floor?".
"I'm down, but you can't let Alessandro know we left it on the floor."
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A/N: I struggled with this chapter, not gonna lie, but it's here and I'm happy with it. New from the past few days: my tpwk sweatshirt has been shipped (an etsy one, because Harry baby I don't have the money to buy the 75 euro one, unless you'll appear in it when I unwrap the plastic baggy, I am super excited for Golden to drop, a part of this fandom has been getting on my nerves with their crazy theories of who's in LA and who's in London (don't mean to offend anyone, just got a bit frustrated the other day)... nothing more. Hope you liked the chapter :)
Be nice, always.
T