**I'll go into a longer explanation in an author's note after this, but the title should be a little self explanatory. Enjoy. Also, try the song with the chapter. It's no Lord of the Rings/Hobbit music, but I think it fits nicely enough.**
“If Only Things Had Been Different.”
I was beginning to regret forcing myself to join the hunting party that was supposed to take out Azog. I didn’t regret it in the beginning, not when my veins had been full of fire. I didn’t regret it when I slew Orcs.
I did begin to regret it, however, when I lost one of my best friends.
Fili, Kili, and I had been sent out to scout. We’d come up empty after riding up to confront the pale Orc. We’d been met with some of his minions, but they were hardly competition. It was Fili’s “genius” plan for us to split up, which I had repeatedly said wasn’t a good idea. I might as well have been talking to a wall. I ended up being with Kili while his brother went another way.
Our scouting didn’t seem to matter, we’d fallen right into a trap set by Azog himself. Of course, I had had my suspicions when I heard deep rumbling around where we were. Kili and I had been looking out from one of the various holes in the area.
We hadn’t known what happened until the body fell before us. We hadn’t known he’d been captured and slaughtered so close to us. Now, he was sprawled out in the snow, eyes glazed and unblinking. This was why I wanted us to remain together, to prevent this from happening.
I used the wall for support, shaking with sobs. I couldn’t look at the body anymore; I feared I was on the verge of vomiting. Neither Kili nor I screamed; we took the pain of his death in silence. I lost a best friend, Kili lost his brother. This isn’t fair.
I knew what Kili was going to do next, it wasn’t hard to figure out. I was glad he could get past his emotions, mine were currently weighing me down. Kili slowly backed inside with me, I watched him with careful brown eyes.
I could see the tears shining in his eyes; he was holding back so hard. I knew this hurt him more than it hurt me. I couldn’t imagine how he felt now. He’d lost his brother, someone who was always at his side. Now, Fili was gone. Kili and I were the only two left in our scout party.
We had to be next.
With trembling hands, I took out my newly acquired sword that I had gotten back in Laketown. I did some deep breaths, trying to get past my hysteria. I felt numb with grief. But it couldn’t keep us here right now. We were still in a war, a war that was far from over.
Kili wasn’t going to fight the Orcs alone, I would stand by him. He needed someone right now, more than ever.
He turned to me, our eyes met. His dropped down temporarily to the sword at my side. I knew my eyes tricked me into thinking he cracked a smile at my appearance: my red hair all dirty and knotted, my body that hadn’t been scrubbed recently, my torn, tight-fitting attire. I looked like someone who lived in the Wild since birth. I looked far from the Hobbit he’d met at Bag End on that fateful night, just like he was no longer the Dwarf I had first met on that night.
Time had changed us.
“I’m with you,” I said quietly. I wasn’t terrified that we were going to be next to be murdered, it was a fact. This was nothing compared to what we endured: Smaug destroying Laketown, the goblins, the spiders, Gollum and his riddles (more so my experience than Kili’s), the Trolls, the past encounters with Orcs. All our prior experiences built us up for this moment.
I just didn’t expect to be tossed into a war of all things.
Kili took out his own sword and smiled grimly at me.
“Lead the way,” I told him.
We barreled down the way we’d just come, leaving Fili’s body behind in the snow. We need to come back for him. If not us, we need to get someone to. He is not going to be left here.
As we were purposely seeking out Orcs to spill their blood, my thoughts went to the others. Where were they in all this madness? Were there more casualties to the company? I paled at the thought of my best friend, Bilbo Baggins, lying dead somewhere amongst other fallen bodies. I thought of Gandalf, the old Wizard. I thought of all of the other Dwarves.
Some of us could survive this day, or none at all.
Kili and I charged out into the bitter air. Snowflakes swirled around us. We scanned around us, keeping in a protective circle. We had to live through this, we just had to. We had lives to get back to. I had a home, maybe a pony if he found his way back, and a husband. That was the light at the end of this journey for me.
I had to return to the Shire.
We didn’t have to call out for our enemy; they found us and let their presence be known. I was the one to get launched at first. I ducked under the weapon that tried to decapitate me, and Kili took over while I spun out of the way. Two more Orcs showed up, all garbed in armor. With a yell, I dove in, striking low on the foul beasts while Kili dealt with them at a different height.
One fell, the other two kept advancing. Kili and I synchronized fairly well: I ducked his strikes; we didn’t bump into each other or clash our swords. We dispatched a second Orc before the third one was joined in by two more. I let Kili deal with the third original Orc as I abandoned him for the two new competitors.
I skidded on my knees in the snow, their swords just skimming the top of my head. I hit one’s leg, he screeched in pain. His partner threw a club-thick arm at me, knocking me in the face. Instantly, blood trickled down my nose.
I landed in the cold snow back-first. The Orc’s sword came down for me, I used my own to spare my life for just a little bit longer. A high screech rose out of my throat and through my teeth.
“Kili!” I screamed, feeling the weight from the Orc press me deeper into the snow. I didn’t know how I was holding on for this long. Orcs, as it was common sense, were known to be pretty strong. How I, a Hobbit, was holding my own, befuddled me.
Maybe it was from all that I had gone through since I left the Shire.
My eyes darted to another Orc, who was stalking his way towards me. I couldn’t fend off his attack, even if I wanted to. My arms began to tremble.
“Hang on, Red!”
From the corner of my eye, Kili took on the Orc that had been coming for me. I’ll be killed if I don’t do something soon. My teeth were locked together so tightly I was waiting for something to break. I took a risk and tried to roll out of the way of the Orc’s sword. It worked, to some effect. He just grazed my right shoulder.
I rolled further away from him, getting on all fours. I inhaled the bitter air, which froze me inside. His footsteps made the ground shake under my feet. I ran for my opponent, running between his legs, spun around, and struck at his back. He bellowed, spinning around so fast I had barely enough time to escape his attack.
“Kili?”
It wasn’t my voice that called the Dwarf’s name, it was definitely someone else. Another redhead. Tauriel.
“Tauriel!” Kili responded.
I jabbed my opponent in his gut, drove my sword deep in him. His knees buckled. I didn’t remove my sword until I was absolutely positive that he was dead. Once my sword was out, he capsized over into the snow. I looked around. Four down, one to go.
I rushed to Kili’s aid, slicing into the Orc’s side. He roared in outrage and launched me off my feet with a huge fist. Between his fist and hitting the ground harshly once again, the wind was knocked out of me completely. I also realized that while airborne, I’d lost my sword.
I slowly got onto my side, watched as Kili and the Orc continued to be an even match. I felt the stitches start to ache in my side. I crawled as quickly as I could to regain my sword.
“Kili?” Tauriel called out again.
She was somewhere nearby, her voice sounded so much louder thanks to the echo. Is she in trouble? I knew what propelled her to come around this area to begin with: Kili. It was evident since the first time they met that she felt something for him. It seemed that he was pretty smitten with her too.
If she’s in trouble, he’s her best chance. Despite how much it burned on the inside, I got to my feet and ran to help Kili. I slit the Orc’s leg, drawing his attention away from Kili. He watched me with big eyes.
“Go to her!” I commanded.
“Come with me.”
“I’ll join you soon enough!” The Orc’s sword and mine collided. “Now, Kili!”
He nodded solemnly before leaving me to help the She-Elf.
I battled my opponent for what felt like a lifetime before he fell from his numerous cuts. Black Orc blood stained the snow I stood on. Five bodies, all the enemy. I bent over, giving myself a moment to catch my breath. My legs wobbled dangerously. I can’t stop and rest. There’s no time.
I hopped over two dead Orcs in the process of running to help Tauriel. The snow numbed my feet, the air made me turn to ice inside. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, I barely got enough of a breath in that way.
Her loud scream didn’t make me stop running, it only made me go faster. Something happened, something not good for an ally of mine. Had I been fighting the last Orc that long?
I passed through a slight fog and nearly ran off the ledge. I took in the scene as quickly as I could. Down below, Tauriel was dangerously close to falling off her ledge, her pale face contorted in pain. I saw what her green eyes were watching helplessly.
I didn’t give myself enough time to process what was going on below me, I launched myself off my ledge and came down on the Orc. Somehow, I had enough weight to wrench him to the side. He snarled, swinging himself around to try and throw me off. My sword flew out of my grasp, and I watched in horror as it catapulted over the ledge Tauriel lay near. I quickly fumbled for my dagger that I had tucked away.
I never got to use it.
The Orc grabbed me from behind, tossing me harshly into the nearest rock wall. I cried out, fell on my side in the snow. My vision was fuzzy, but I could make out his form the clearest. Kili’s, not the Orc’s. He was lying on his back, his head turned towards me.
The pieces connected. The Orc had gotten him, stabbed him most likely. I saw no blood, but that meant nothing. He wasn’t getting up, he had to be wounded. I grasped my knife and ran to stand in front of the Dwarf, as I saw that was who the Orc intended to hit next.
It was a foolish mistake on my part, thinking that for one minute I could defend Kili with a dagger against a sword longer than myself.
The world froze when I felt the sword impale me. It had to have gone clean through me. My mouth dropped open, my eyes bugged so much I thought they would pop out. I dropped the dagger at my feet, heard Tauriel’s yell and, surprisingly, Kili’s, as they both looked on. The blade shifted deeper inside my abdomen.
My eyes stared into the Orc’s. He was blind in one eye, but I could see the pleasure this gave him in his functioning eye. The satisfaction it gave him as he took in my face, took in his sword imbedded in me. My hands went for the sword as it twisted. I hoped Kili didn’t endure this.
I squeaked once the Orc yanked his weapon out of me. My knees hit the snow first, my eyes couldn’t leave the Orc. I still stood tall, as tall as I could being on my knees. His twisted smile told me this was the end for me. I’d go first, then Kili, and then Tauriel most likely.
We were all finished.
I didn’t close my eyes as he lifted his sword to give me the death blow. I tried to fill my head with happy thoughts. Bag End. The Shire in all its greenness. Remy and his little paddock, the shelter Jack had built just for him. Jack. Our cozy nights in our hobbit-hole. The day I got married. My thoughts went back to my childhood, the days when Bilbo and I both shared the mutual thirst for adventure.
The list went beyond the Shire. The first meeting with the Dwarves. Bonding with Fili and Kili. Our race at the start of the quest to regain Erebor. Rivendell and all its beauty.
I wasn’t going home to the Shire. I wasn’t going to see Bilbo, or anyone else, ever again. Jack and I would never have a family together, which had crossed my mind a few times, oddly enough, while on this journey. I would never see Bilbo go back home and try to reconcile with Cecelia. I’d never see them rekindle their love and get married.
I knew Bilbo would make it home, I couldn’t say the same for myself.
The sword looked as though it was moving through water; it was coming for me so slowly. But time sped up just as quickly, and I reeled back as the sword curved upwards. I accidentally landed on Kili and watched in awe as Tauriel, somehow regaining her strength, pounced on the Orc. She had no weapon but was steering him away from us with all the might she could muster.
She directed him away from Kili and I. I quickly got off him and grabbed my dagger. I kept my distance but was ready to help at a moment’s notice. My heart spiked at seeing how dangerously close they were to the ledge. Neither of them were aware of how close they were.
I screamed and stumbled towards the ledge when they both went over. My legs gave out, and I landed stomach-first in the snow. I covered my mouth with my hand.
When they didn’t reappear, my mind had a few awful conclusions. One, they were both dead. Two, Tauriel was dead, and the Orc was on his way back. Three, Tauriel was alive but found by more enemies. Four, both were still alive and fighting further below.
I hadn’t known what to think of Tauriel when I had first met her. She didn’t seem like a potential ally to me in the beginning, not even after she had saved Kili from being eaten by a Giant Spider. She had begun to earn my trust when she had healed Kili from the poison he’d gotten when we had escaped Mirkwood. She definitely earned it here, by pulling the Orc away from us.
Us. Kili.
“Oh no!” I panicked.
I walked like a toddler as I went to Kili, bent over him. I adjusted his head so he could look straight at me. His eyes were barely open, his chest barely moving. He and I matched: we both got stabbed in the abdomen. His wound bled into his clothes.
“Oh no, no, no,” I moaned. I pressed my sleeve to the wound, hoping to stop the bleeding.
“Red, what are you doing?” he croaked.
“Shh,” I snapped. “I can fix this. I can save you.”
“Red—”
“I’ll shut you up myself if you speak another word, Kili.” I focused on his wound. All I was doing was soaking my sleeve.
My body shook. I gasped, feeling my adrenaline wear off. The pain in my abdomen was worsening. Tears fell freely down my cheeks. I felt a warm hand press against the wound. Kili.
“There’s nothing that can be done,” he whispered.
“No.”
“You can’t heal it.”
“Stop saying that.” I couldn’t help but look at his wound. “We can get out of here.”
“Red, you’re not thinking straight.”
I ignored him. “We can stumble down this together—”
“To where? Where is there safety?”
“I—” I coughed, accidentally spewing up blood in the process. I hung my head, gasping for air. Black spots started to peek into my vision. “No, this—this isn’t happening. I refuse”—another cough—“to give up!”
Kili’s hand, which was now covered in my blood, grabbed one of my arms. I looked down on him. He barely shook his head. I knew what he was trying to say. Accept it. There’s no help coming. Even if there was, they’d be too late. We can’t make it out of harm’s way even if we gave it our best. Everything is against us right now.
I coughed again, threw up even more blood. At this point, I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. My other arm caved, and I collapsed on my side next to Kili. It looked like it took a lot of effort for him to turn his head towards me again. His hand slid down my arm to intertwine his fingers through mine.
I wasn’t cheating death this time. Kili wasn’t either. We’d both done it once, but we could never obtain it twice. Whereas he was barely breathing, I was breathing heavy. My strength flowed out of me just like my blood did.
The freezing air made me shiver. I scooted closer to him to huddle for warmth. Not that it mattered for either of us; we both weren’t going to be alive much longer anyway. I pressed my forehead against his shoulder, feeling my clothes dampen thanks to the snow.
“I guess I won’t be returning home after all,” he breathed.
I pushed my hand against the wound in my abdomen.
“Why are you still trying?”
I looked up at him. I could see the color draining from his face.
“There’s no hope for either of us,” he said carefully. “All we can do is wait.”
I still wasn’t comfortable, and Kili wasn’t either. We rearranged so that I was nestled in the crook of his arm. I didn’t want to separate from him, I didn’t want to be alone. His chest feebly moved under my hand. His life and mine were slipping away slowly.
We were suffering.
“I—I’m glad I did this.” I sniffed. I covered my mouth as I coughed again. I groaned as more blood stained my hand. “I was sure I was going to return home, Kili.”
“If only things had been different.” He said this distantly, like he was thinking deeply.
“W-what do you mean?”
I looked into his eyes, and suddenly I understood. It was so clear to me, in our dying moments. If only things had been different. Tears sprung in my eyes. I had never wanted to hurt Kili in any form. I had never wanted to make him think that there was something for us to get out of this journey. I had been good about it.
But what if I hadn’t? What if I had been an awful wife and pursued something with the Dwarf? What if I hadn’t married Jack at all? Would I have fallen in love with Kili during this adventure? Would there have maybe been a chance that I would have survived this ordeal?
Don’t be stupid. Some things could change, but not everything, I scolded myself.
“I don’t think this would have changed, Kili,” I said sorrowfully. “We can only control so much of our lives.” I sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m glad I’m not going alone.” I laughed dryly.
I should have expected it since we were close to dying. His lips covered mine cautiously. I could taste the sweat of battle on him, just like he could easily taste my blood from my nose and mouth. I was afraid to pull away, like it would be the thing that would end him and not his blood loss. Neither of us had the energy, it just wasn’t there. But there was something, a longing in the pit of my stomach.
Yes, if things had been different, I most likely would have let my feelings for the Dwarf grow. Yes, if things had been different, this kiss would have happened a lot sooner. Kili was the life I would have had had I not settled down with Jack. Fate would have brought me to Bilbo’s house, still, I believed, and I still would have met the Dwarves and gone on the quest. I wouldn’t have had anything to consider if I hadn’t married Jack.
I didn’t regret the choices I made prior to this adventure or while on it.
But something nagged at the back of my brain. A redheaded She-Elf to be more specific.
“But, you and Tauriel,” I sputtered once we broke apart. “She loves you, Kili. I’ve seen it, the way she looks at you. I’ve seen how you look at her too.”
“I’m rather fond of her,” he admitted. “But I love only one redhead, and that’s you, Lily.”
I was taken aback. He hadn’t called me my actual name once. Not until now. Not until we were both side by side, waiting for death to take us. This made me burst into a fresh batch of tears. This was suffering at its finest. The worst emotional suffering ever.
“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered.
“I-I’m not,” I sniveled. “I’m not afraid to die.” He tenderly removed the tears from my face. “Are you?”
“No.”
I placed my hand over his heart. I saw a tear trickle from the corner of his eye. I matched my breathing with his.
“It may not make a difference to you, but, I need to get it out,” Kili said. I could hear the pain his voice. “I love you.”
I could hear him using his last bits of strength to tell me. How long had he felt this way? Had it been instant? Had it grown overtime? I had a feeling I would never get a good answer in the short time we had left.
I stroked his face with a somber smile on mine, moved dark strands of hair out of his way. “I love you too.” I sniffled. “If only things had been different.”
Kili took my hand away from his face and placed it back over his heart, with his own hand covering mine. He nuzzled his head as close to mine as he could. I could feel the puffs of breath curl on my face. We’ll be joining you soon, Fili. We’re coming. You and Kili will be together again.
Neither of us could be saved.
We were the heavy price of war.
**This idea came up since recently watching BOTFA. I had always had the 'what if' in mind. What if Gandalf had saved Lily? What if she had survived through Mirkwood and the attack on Laketown? How far would she have gone? Would she have made home or still perished in the end?
Unfortunately, as you just read, no matter where in the story, Lily Petrova succumbed to an awful fate. For some reason, I could never see her returning from the adventure.
Also, since I watched the movie, I figured I could write a little KilixLily (whatever that ship name is) with this, just to give those shippers a little treat even though it's really bittersweet. If you've watched the movie, you'll know I tweaked this scene a bit for the ship.
In truth, if Lily hadn't been married, she most likely would have ended up falling in love with the Dwarf prince. But even if that had happened, the story wouldn't have been about the budding romance. And most likely they would have still met their ends.
But I hope you enjoyed this all the same, through the tears and torture that I put you through :3**