"Are you sure you don't want a muffin, babes? I bet it will make you feel better," Heather said, trying to get me out of her bed. It had been three days since I left Bradley. Three days of laying in her bed, trying to figure out what to do with myself.
Three days of Bradley's incessant calling. Heather told me to block him, get rid of all connection with him. The idea was tempting but I couldn't. If I blocked him, it would only get worse. I was grateful he never came with me to Heather's. I had begged him multiple times to bring one of his friends from work, but he never agreed and said Heather was not a good match for any of his friends. I was thankful for that now. He didn't know where I was. He didn't even have Heather's number.
"I don't know. What if he's there?" I asked.
That was my biggest concern right now. I was scared to see him. I was scared he was going to drag me back into the relationship and have this power over me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
Heather furrowed her brows at me, holding my hand as she tried to pull me out of bed. "Doesn't he hate that place?"
"He likes the muffins. I think."
"He hates Hank," she nodded as she remembered. "Come on, I think it will be good for you."
"We can order them and then you pick them up."
Heather sighed, shaking her head. "Nope. This is not you at all. Don't let him do this to you."
I cocked my head to the side as I sat up a little. "Do what?"
"Take away who you are. Who you want to be."
I swallowed thickly, knowing she's right. I had a right to grieve. It was a two year long relationship. But since he said all those things about my writing, I hadn't opened a word document or even thought about writing in a good light.
"You need to get wasted."
I shook my head. "I need to what?"
Heather stood with her hands on her hips in front of the bed, a determined look on her face. "I'm gonna go to work. I expect you to meet me there at ten tonight when my shift ends. You're going to dress up and remember who are you. You're hot, babes. We're gonna remind you of that."
"No, I don't want-."
"Don't wanna hear it," Heather said as she walked out of the room. She yelled as she walked out of the door, "Ten o'clock. I'm expecting you so you better be there."
I heard the door slam shut behind her and sighed. I didn't want to go out tonight but I knew Heather had my best intentions at heart. She could be a little pushy but she wanted me to feel better, to remember who I was.
The problem is, I don't know who I am.
When I left North Carolina, I was completely lost. I was the glue of my family. My mother depended on me to help keep all the pieces together. I was her rock. Countless hours I would listen to her go on and on about my father, my brother and sister, her work. I took it all in. She tried her best to be there for me too but her worries consumed her.
I turned to my childhood best friend for my troubles. But, she was going through similar things as me and I did not want to be a burden to her. Or anyone.
I listened. I was good at that. My sister had boy trouble after boy trouble and I listened. I held her as her heart broke over and over again. I was there for her when everyone turned against her.
I taught my younger brother how to read, how to multiply. He would ramble about his day and all of his friends. It was cute.
That's who I was.
I was the stand in parent. My mom's rock and everyone else's.
It was exhausting.
That's why I moved to New York. To pursue my dreams and to become my own person.
But now that I'm here, I've been here for a little over two years, I still don't know who I am. The girl I want to be is far from who I am.
She is strong and confident and knows how to say no. She has her head held high and takes crap from no one. She is kind and still listens but knows when to draw the line.
She is an established author with multiple novels published. She is content and confident with her books. With her life. She dresses how she wants to dress without worrying what others think.
I want to be her. But she's just out of reach.
Sometimes I could be her. She was confident and cool and seductive. When I went to escape Bradley and found a friend in Aiden, I was her. But the second I left that bar that girl disappeared. I want to be her again. I want to be relaxed and smile easily and have fun.
I don't want to feel broken anymore.
I don't know who She was but I was going to become her.
Hours later, One Direction playing in the background, I was getting ready. Bradley thought my obsession with them was childish. I wasn't obsessed per se but I knew all of their songs and had seen almost every interview. I tried to get him to listen to them but he thought they were dumb. I had barely listened to them in two years.
I uncapped the red lipstick, applying it to my lips. Bradley didn't like that either. He thought it made me look too seductive and like I was begging for attention from men. It felt nice to wear it again.
The outfit I had on was Heather's and I definitely would not have worn it a week ago. I would have wanted to, would have been jealous of the other girls who pulled it off but would have been too worried of Bradley's berating. It was a tight black leather mini skirt that covered my bellybutton but accentuated my waist. My shirt was sheer and I had on a black bralette under it.
Confidence coursed through me as I looked at myself in the mirror. Baby steps.
Grabbing my clutch, I left the apartment for the first time in three days, hailing a cab to pick Heather up from work. She still worked at Buca de Beppo and I wasn't entirely sure why. From what she told me, they did not treat her good. She only stayed because of the good tips.
Heather wanted to be a Broadway star. Her family discouraged her from it, saying she was never going to make it but here she was and she was going to prove them wrong. She loved to dance and she had the most angelic voice, I would be surprised if she didn't make it. She had many auditions lined up for Broadway in the next couple months and I was sure she was going to land one of them.
The taxi stopped in front of the crowded sidewalk. People loitered outside, trying to get in or waiting to get called. I pushed through the group of people who stood by the door, receiving dirty looks from all them.
"Excuse me, miss. There isn't a public bathroom. I would recommend going down the street to-," the young host said with wide eyes.
I channeled the girl I wanted to be. The She I was trying to find.
I smiled coyly at the young man, most likely a college student, batting my eyelashes at him. "Are you sure you can't let me go inside? My friends in there and I'm supposed to pick her up."
He looked shocked by my attention. "I-um. I'm really not allowed to let you in unless you can give me the name of your party."
"Oh, honey," I laughed, scrunching my nose slightly, "you've got me mistaken. I don't have a party I'm with. My friend works here. Heather Baker?"
The boy's eyes went wide at the mention of Heather.
"You'll let me in now?"
He nodded, seeming slightly shocked. I wouldn't be surprised, Heather can be a little intimidating.
I ignore all the people eating dinner, walking around the servers and going straight to the kitchen. I don't recognize half of the wait staff but it has been two years since I worked here.
I spot Heather near the office. She's changed out of her work clothes and instead is in a tight white skirt that almost mirrors mine and a black bandeau top. She's going to be freezing.
When she saw me, her face lit up. "You're here. And look what your wearing. You look incredible."
"I'm here. Now, let's go."
She smiled wickedly at me, excitement gleaming in her eyes. "Let's set the world on fire."