The quiet car only further amplified the anger ebbing off of my dad. Knuckles white as he holds the steering wheel intent on getting us home before saying a word about tonight. Staring at the paper the officer handed him sitting on the dashboard I fought the urge to read it. His face has been straight ahead, his eyes focused on the road ahead as if a slight glance away would cause him to miss something monumental. His clenched jaw shifting only every so often. Silence resting in the car like a blanket no one asked for left each of us alone without thoughts.
"Dad" I whisper, the sound loud enough to nick the armour of silence but not enough for anyone other than him to hear. His jaw clenches and unclenches. Adjusting his hold on the steering wheel his eyes stayed focused on the road.
"Manuela, not now" He says, teeth gritted and eyes not even granting me the satisfaction of a glance. Pulling my feet from under me, the familiar tinge of pain from biting down on my lip too hard setting in. Ignoring the pain I continue to gnaw on the corner. The familiar sensation gives me something to focus on.
"Lex, this is your stop." Dad says, unlocking the door long enough for her to get out.
"Thanks Mr. A" Lex says low enough not to disturb the silence we have all somehow been tip toeing around. Looking at her through the rearview mirror I smile slightly. Three fingers wiggling a half attempt at waving goodbye.
"I'll pick you up tomorrow so you guys can clean up," Dad says, adjusting his hold on the wheel. The low grunt from Lex surprises even her. If we were in a different place, I'd probably laugh at her inability to control her mouth.
"You didn't really think you weren't going to clean that house did you? Double trouble back there will be leading the cause."
We knew better than to laugh or make a comment. None of us wanted to challenge the situation at hand. It was all so strange. Whenever dad was upset with me he would make a joke about it. He often said he didn't want any of the eighteen years he had with me be spent being angry with me. The joke was always more for him than for me but right now I'd give anything for a cheesy joke. I've been in trouble before but it has never lasted longer than fifteen minutes. We're about two minutes beyond the fifteen minute mark and he's showing no signs of giving in. Even when he couldn't look at me after my mom died, he still listened when I spoke. The deafening silence only further served as a reminder that this time is different. Bringing the car to a stop in front of the house, dad makes no move to leave.
"When we get inside if you guys are hungry there is food in the fridge so help yourselves. You guys can sleep in Nile's old room. Manny meet me in my office in ten minutes please." He says before locking the car. The cool air and silence lingered between the three of us as we watched his retreating back. As if waiting for the door to shut we all stare at the door. If it was possible even the ugly gnome on the lawn was waiting for dad to close the door. As soon as the door slammed the silence went with it.
"Well if fall wasn't here before, the cold front has definitely arrived." Jake says breaking the silence. His hands shoved in his pockets. His eyes focused on the cracks in the driveway as though nothing else mattered. I think this is as close to speechless as Jake would ever come.
"Uncle Mike's gonna kill us" Nile says.
"He's going to be mad but we'll be okay." Jake says his voice is calm compared to Ni;e's terror stricken voice. His face covered with confusion and fear. I've seen that face before.
"That car is totaled. Plus the house is trashed. Don't have a party was probably implied when he was listing off his rules."
"He didn't say that so it wasn't clear."
"Jake that's not how it works." Nile says.
"If it wasn't stated then it shouldn't be implied." Jake says.
"The car is totalled Jake."
"Dude all that stuff will resolve itself, but you have other things you need to focus on right now." Clearing his throat Jake shoves Nile. "I'll be eating."
"You okay?" Nile asks, catching his footing.
"I'm good, brother but maybe you should be asking your girlfriend- oh you weren't talking to me."
"Even when we're pretty close to death he's a comedian. But seriously are you okay?" He asked again. His hands moving up and down my arms. Do people's lips always look like fish swallowing water? Nile has pink lips that always look like he's wearing lip gloss. I wish my lips looked like I was always wearing lip gloss. Do I look like I'm swallowing water ?
"Manny."
"My dentist has an aquarium in his office. He has all kinds of fish in there and sometimes when I'm waiting to get my teeth cleaned I count them."
"Curly Sue, you're rambling." He says tightening his hold on my arm. Focusing on his hands I try to remember the different kinds of fish in the aquarium. My dad would remember. I still force him to come to the dentist with me. He would talk to me the whole time so that I would forget how much I hated the dentist.
"My dad knows I hate the dentist." I say.
"He's not going to be mad at you forever. Your dad loves you."
"He does but he's so mad. He doesn't get that mad."
"I want nothing more than to comfort you but I'm pretty sure ten minutes are almost up." Kissing my forehead he leads us to the door. Why is escaping until the person has cooled off never an option? I think walking away until you have had time to think things through. I think if I went to sleep we could pretend like today did not happen.
"You're late." Dad says as soon as I enter the office.
"We should really redecorate in here, you know maybe add a bit more color and maybe a few paintings."
"No. Sit down." He says. Sitting on the couch across from his desk I sink deeply into the seat. Grabbing the pillow I hold it close to my chest. I never did anything that would cause my dad to be genuinely upset or to really worry him. I never really did anything. I went to school and did what I was told.
"At what point did we start lying to each other?" Dad asks. His voice even. His face straight and unwavering. He wasn't looking for an answer. How would I even answer that question? I did lie to him and I don't lie to my dad.
"Manuela, the one thing I've always asked of you was for you to be honest with me. Not only did you lie but you put yourself in danger and other people."
"Dad the party wasn't my idea."
"It doesn't make a difference whose idea it was. The moment you went along with the idea you assumed some of the responsibility. What were you guys thinking?"
"Well-"
"That's right you weren't thinking. Do you know if something more serious would have happened Mike could lose guardianship? No you didn't because you guys weren't thinking. Anything could have happened. That girl could have hit someone or gotten into a worst crash that could have killed her." He says. The vein in his neck protruded with every word. Moving from behind his desk he takes to pacing the space in front of the couch.
"But dad we weren't the ones who had the alcohol."
"If there wasn't a party there would be no alcohol. It doesn't matter if you weren't the one to supply it. Whatever happens in that house goes back to Mike and you kids weren't thinking about that." He stops moving and fills the spot on the couch next to me. His jaw slack and head in his hands. "Manny the last time you called me like that we spent three weeks in a hospital. You kids could have gotten hurt and I can't handle something happening to you."
Turning to face me for what feels like the first time tonight Dad sighs. The lines in his face amplifying his worry. Rubbing a hand down his face he leans back on the couch.
"I'm sorry dad." I say the words low but audible. Tossing the pillow aside I throw my arms around him. I didn't care that he was mad or that he might not hug me back but the worry on his face was enough to make anyone feel bad. Wrapping his arms around me he returns my hug.
"I love you kid."
"I love you too dad."
"You're grounded for a month."