A/N: This is not the last chapter, by the way. There will be an epilogue after this that takes place in the present (early 2015), so don't worry: this isn't the conclusion.
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Patience
As L, Near now had a whole lot more resources at his disposal, so I decided to use that to my advantage. He allowed me to access old police files of closed cases. It took hours; so many people with similar names and trying to deduce if it was related to me or not, but then one file in particular caught my interest as I delved further into its contents.
1993. Maine. Names of those involved included a man by the name of Casey Riddle.
The Endrizzi crime family. That was what the majority of the report was about. A mafia gang whose territory was located throughout New England.
An attempt to infiltrate the mafia's hideout in Maine was made. Over the course of several months, Casey Riddle, using the alias Guido DiStefano, made contact with members of the Endrizzi family, working as an undercover agent for the authorities. After a while, things became suspicious, and it was unclear if Casey was still loyal or if he was now working with the Crime Family, discretely feeding them information. A raid on the base was planned. It's still unclear whether or not the raid had been a surprise or if Casey had secretly informed the Crime Family, but it ended with casualties on both sides, including the death of Casey Riddle, who was shot in the heart.
Casey Riddle. There wasn't much information I could find on him, seeing as he worked undercover. I marked the file so that I could come back to it if needed. It only held a few potential connections to my past, though.
I did more searching until I eventually came upon another report. A suicide report; it's custom for the police to look into suicides to make sure that there wasn't any foul play involved.
1993. New Hampshire. Victim named Emily Riddle, maiden name unknown. Died after jumping off of a bridge.
No parents, siblings, or other relatives of which to speak. Little information on her past could be found, though it was noted that she grew up in Winchester, Hampshire, in an orphanage called the Wammy's House. Further investigation revealed that her husband Casey had died after being shot during a mugging, though the case was never solved. Emily had lived in Maine with her husband and child, but she killed herself in New Hampshire.
After a New Hampshire newspaper published a story about her death and the unknown location of her child, a woman came forward, claiming that the child was left in her custody shortly before the death of Emily, whose intentions had been unknown to her. Attached to the report were copies of the wills of Casey and Emily Riddle stating that, in the event of their deaths, their daughter was to be put into the custody of Casey's sister, Annabelle Riddle.
The child's name was Piper.
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I walked into my bedroom and dug through my drawers until I found the business card Jessica had given me, and then I fished my RAZR out of my pocket. (Birdie was right, I really needed to get a new cell phone.) I punched in the numbers and listened to the dial tone until I finally heard the click of a phone being answered.
"Hello?"
"It's Piper." I hadn't used that name in a long time.
There was silence.
"Not Patience?"
"No," I said. "Piper."
"What can I do for you, Piper?"
"What can you tell me about Emily Riddle?"
There was a pause. "I told you that I promised I-"
"-I'm not asking for information on my past. I just want to know about Emily and Casey and how it is you know them."
"Alright," she agreed with a sigh. "Emily grew up at Wammy's; the same one you did. She went to Harvard to get a degree in... I can't remember what it was exactly. Annie and I went to BU at the time; we had become friends real fast, so we'd moved into an apartment together when we were sophomores.
"It was our junior year, and Emily had moved into that same apartment building. One day, we all just sort of bumped into each other. She was new, so we showed her around. She and I became good friends; she wasn't that close with Annie, though.
"One day, I'd invited her over, but I forgot Annie had asked her brother, Casey, to stop by that same day to bring her something from home." Jessica chuckled. "Annie was pissed off. While we were arguing, Casey walked into the apartment. We were so busy yelling at each other that we didn't even notice. He just sat down on the sofa next to Emily and watched us argue until we finally realized he was there."
I couldn't help but laugh despite myself. That sounded like my mom; like Annabelle. I could hear it in Jessica's voice, too. How at first my request had seemed like a burden, an obligation, and she had begrudgingly recited the story, but eventually, her voice brightened as she recalled the fond memories.
"And it's not like he was waiting for us to notice him," she continued. "He had a big grin on his face; he was enjoying the show. Emily thought he was pretty damn weird, and yet somehow... They were two totally different people, but somehow, they worked well together.
"I was close with both Annie and Emily. Annie wasn't too fond of Emily, but she was forced to get along with her in the end. Casey was a good man and easy to get along with. He was a good brother, too. He'd do anything for Annie, and he did, on multiple occasions. Sticking his neck out to help her and visit, even though it could ruin his relationship with his parents. Annie and them, they'd uh... they'd had a falling out.
"...Casey died in a mugging." I didn't bother correcting her. "Apparently, he'd fought until the end, and Annie was wicked proud of him for it. Emily... Emily didn't have a whole lot of people to begin with. She was an orphan, and she didn't have many friends. When Casey died, she just... she couldn't do it anymore..."
"If you and Mom were such good friends, then how come I'd never met you before?" I asked.
"Because," she said with a sigh, "after everything that happened, I just couldn't...
"For what it's worth, I'm glad you figured it out, Piper."
"It's not worth much," I told her, what little joy I'd had listening to her story now gone.
She was silent. It was hard to tell over the phone what she felt, but based on what little I knew of her, I could tell that she wasn't offended. She knew she didn't have any right to be.
"Did you bring me to Wammy's because of Emily?"
"Yeah," Jessica admitted. "Emily had a way of looking at things from a different angle. Solving problems in ways that no one else would think. I figured that you might have inherited something, so I talked to Mr. Ruvie, and he said he'd give you a chance. He let you stay, so I guess he found something special about you in the end. I'm not surprised. You're related to some amazing people."
I couldn't help but smile at that, and then a new thought occurred to me. It was in the way she had answered that last question. How she'd said Mom and her parents had "had a falling out." I thought carefully about what I could say to try and get an answer out of her.
"Mom always told me that she hated being called Annie," I told her.
"She did?" Jessica said. She seemed taken aback by the comment.
"Yeah," I said. "She told me that people would always make fun of her since she had curly red hair and freckles. She said that sometimes they would even start singing 'Tomorrow.' It annoyed the heck out of her."
There was silence on the other end of the line, and then, suddenly, Jessica started laughing. She laughed and laughed, the absolute mirth in her voice something I had never heard from her before.
"Yeah," Jessica admitted, "everyone used to call her Annie, but I was the only one who ever did that."
Now I was sure. This was something I was certain of because Birdie had helped me realize that I can read people.
"You loved her," I said.
Silence.
"O-of course I did," Jessica said, trying not to stumble over her words. "That's why I was so harsh when I told you she died. 'She's not coming back.' I'd never been that blunt with a child before; I guess I was trying to get it through to myself, too.
"I loved your mother, and I loved Emily. They were two of my best friends."
"No," I said plainly. She knew what I meant; she was just trying to get around it. "Not like that. You were in love with her, weren't you? That's why I had never met you before."
Jessica was silent for a good minute before she finally spoke up. "I kept tabs on the two of you over the years, you know? I never got involved; just watched from a distance. Annie was still mad at me.
"Thanks to me, the only family she had left was Casey, and eventually, even he was gone. I figured if I left, she could reach out to her parents again and get their help. Maybe if I was gone, they'd take her back. It would make things easier for her. I knew how much she missed them, even though she would never admit it. She hated and loved them all at once.
"After she died, and I found out that she had never contacted them... I was wicked angry. Annie had always been stubborn; so it was all for nothing. The worst part is that if I'd been there, then she might still be alive. Instead, she spent all those years doing things the hard way.
"If I had stayed... Instead, she died hating me. I remember when I told her I was leaving for her... she started crying and yelling. She begged me to stay, but I was convinced that leaving was the right thing to do. Then she ripped off the necklace I'd given her a few years back as a birthday gift. She threw it on the ground, and she told me she hated me. It was the biggest mistake I ever made."
"Was it a locket?" I asked.
"What?"
"A silver locket with a peridot stone in the middle?" I said. "Mom wore it all the time. She never took it off no matter how many times I told her it was ugly. No offense."
For a while, I couldn't hear anything on the other end of the line, not even Jessica's breathing. Then Jessica started laughing. There was both hurt and relief in that laughter, and eventually, it died down.
"None taken," she said, her voice tight as she did her best not to cry. "I know you called me for answers, and I hope I helped you as best I could, but... thank you. Thank you so much."
"It's no big deal," I said despite the pain I felt in my heart right then. I hadn't missed my mom so much since she'd passed all those years ago.
"No, it is," Jessica said. "Thanks, kid. And do me a favor, will you?"
"What?" I asked curiously.
"When it comes between listening to your head and listening to your heart, always choose your heart. Otherwise, you'll regret it forever."
I smiled. "Thanks for the advice."
"It's no big deal," she said in kind. "Good luck with everything... Goodbye, Piper."
"Goodbye."
I hung up the phone and just stood there for a few minutes. My stomach was in a knot, and it felt as though someone were squeezing my heart. I had experienced this feeling many times before, and I'd always done the same thing to relieve it; to make it temporarily go away. At this thought, I looked at the sweatband I wore on my wrist; I had gone through a lot of sweatbands over the years. The scabs of the healed wounds had woven into the fabric of my sweatband, and when I ripped it off, I could feel the skin come off, too.
My wrist bleeding, I headed into the small bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, and pulled out a small box. I opened it and looked at the razor blades, chipped, rusted, coated in dried up blood, and I dumped them into the trash. Then I closed the mirror cabinet.
There had been a picture of Emily Riddle in the file. Jessica was right: I look a lot like her, despite my being only half Japanese. Even now, when I look in the mirror I sometimes see her face.
My weakness had made me hurt myself for all those years. Her weakness had led her to kill herself, leaving her own child behind. Perhaps it's unfair of me to say it was selfish of her, but it's also unfair that she let the loss that everyone who knew my father felt consume her to the point that she took her own life. I won't be Emily Riddle because I hate her. The person I admire the most, the strongest person I have ever met, had been right in front of me the entire time.
The irony of it all doesn't escape me. How I had wanted to find my real mother, and it turned out that was Annabelle Riddle. Emily was just some woman who had given birth to and then abandoned me.
"It's done, then," I said.
The last place I'd lived was Wammy's, and now, I had nowhere to go. The only thing I could think to do was wait and see if Allison came back, in which case I could talk it over with her.
I waited a week. She never came.
I had been right; Allison really wasn't coming back. I wasn't mad. I was certainly resentful, but not mad. She had taken Jessica's advice; she had done what Jessica wished she had done nearly fifteen years prior. Allison had decided to listen to her heart; she had finally made up her mind, and now it was time for me to make up mine. I called Joy, who was surprised to hear from me, and I told her that I was done working on the case (I didn't inform her that we had solved it, however; that was something we all swore never to tell, though people would eventually come to this realization on their own). After explaining that I had no idea what to do, I asked her if I could come and stay with her for a while. She told me I could, and after I thanked her, the line went quiet.
"Joy?"
"What about Allison?" she finally asked.
"I don't think she's coming back," I told her.
"She found him?"
"She found him." I smiled. "And she finally realized she wanted to."
There was another pause, then I heard Joy chuckle in amusement. "Looks like I owe Lacey fifty quid."
I laughed. "Looks like it."
"It's good to hear from you, Patience," she said after a moment, pleasantly surprised with my change of personality. It wasn't that obvious to me, but for Joy, who hadn't seen me in years, it was a big change. A good change.
We talked about looking for potential flight schedules from Japan to England and which would be the shortest drive for her to come get me. At one point, we even shifted into just a casual conversation, a simple thing I'd never been good at before. Then we said our goodbyes, and I hung up the phone.
I stood up. The day the Kira case came to an end, Near informed Gevanni, Rester, Lidner, and me that he would be remaining in Japan for another month before leaving, in case any of us were interested. Near had changed. It was supposed to be L and Watari, but with this comment, Near was letting us know that we were welcome to come, too. I realized now that I wasn't done yet. Allison hadn't returned because there was something she needed to do: she needed to stay with Mello. Now, I realized that there was something that I needed to do. I grabbed my keys and coat, and I headed out.
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"Near."
He was casually seated on the floor, playing by himself. He had a new toy now that our dealings with Light Yagami were done. It was a simple toy car, nothing special, but I knew that his collection would continue to expand from now on as he cut himself off from everyone.
Despite the fact that he had succeeded in defeating Kira, he looked the same as ever. No look of satisfaction or pride because the game was over. He had won.
"What can I do for you, Patience?" he asked, avoiding guessing for fear that he might be wrong.
"My name," I told him. He stopped playing with his plastic car, but his eyes didn't leave it.
"Is knowing as satisfying as you had hoped?" he queried.
"No," I admitted, "it's not. Though it helped more than I could have ever imagined. Now I know who I am."
"Patience," he said.
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Since the second day I had come to Wammy's, I was looking for my 'mother,' the woman who gave birth to me. That was Patience; that's all Patience ever was."
He looked up at me, meeting my eyes. "Then who are you?" he inquired, genuinely curious.
"I'm Piper," I said. The feeling I got when saying that name was the same strange feeling I used to get when I had first started using the name 'Patience.' "Even though what I got didn't end up being all that I'd hoped for, you still helped me."
"It's nothing," Near assured me.
"No, it's not nothing," I said. "If it wasn't for all of this, I wouldn't have even known what my talent is. I wouldn't know what makes me different."
"You are different," he said in a near whisper, "but that's for reasons that go far beyond your talent."
"This is a new beginning," I said. "Everyone's going their separate ways now, off to do their own things. I'm honestly not even sure if I'll ever hear from Allison again."
"Yes," Near said, "once everything with Light Yagami ended, I had time to clear my head. That's when I realized that Mello is still alive, but you had already figured it out by then, hadn't you? You knew he was alive from the beginning."
I nodded. "Birdie said my talent is that I read people."
"Like books," he said. "I once thought I could, too, and perhaps to an extent, this is true. You, however, seem to have mastered that talent without even trying, to the point where you even know what I'm thinking. It's rather frustrating."
I chuckled. "From this point on, you can only improve, Near," I told him. "You're L now, after all."
"Improve, perhaps," he agreed, "but you were able to tell that Light Yagami had a piece of paper from the Death Note with him when I could not. You were able to tell the intentions of the Shinigami Ryuk, whose face is completely unreadable.
"I may be able to improve, but I'll never get to the point you're at."
I couldn't help but smile at that comment. I was tempted to drop it right there and leave, but I reminded myself of the favor that Jessica had asked of me. I remembered the regret in her voice when she spoke of the last time she'd seen my mother.
"You know," I said, walking towards him, "I'll miss you."
I stopped in front of Near, and he looked up at me. He wasn't quite shocked, per say, but he certainly hadn't expected me to say that. I bent down so that I was looking him in the eyes, and then I did something very out of character for me. Something that not even Near could have seen coming. I leaned in and kissed him. He froze, completely taken aback. He always came off as so cold, but his lips were warm. And I felt something in that warmth. I felt Near's humanity. I felt all the emotions that he hid away in a place where no one could ever find them.
We stayed like that for a while, then I pulled away, smiling. Near's mouth was slightly open in shock, and his eyes followed me as I stood up. Then I walked away and exited through the door, leaving him there in a daze and never looking back.
I wanted to remember him like that. I wanted to remember that warmth and humanity I had felt when I pressed my lips against his because I feared that in time, as he became more absorbed in his position as the new L, that humanity would wither. I feared that, even when I was close enough to feel his breath and his pulse quicken in nervousness or excitement or whatever emotion he'd felt that I hadn't bothered to analyze, that it wouldn't matter. No matter how close I got, I knew that Near would still get further and further away from me.
You were probably hoping for a different ending. You were hoping that Near would run after me and hold me close or tell me that he loved me or something. That didn't happen, though, because that isn't the kind of person Near is. And even if he had secretly wanted to go after me, he knew he couldn't. That's because he knew Patience. He knew the girl who had walked into the room he was in and surprised him with a display of affection that no one else had ever shown him before. The moment Patience exited through that door, she was gone forever. The girl who stepped outside into the empty streets, blinking her brown eyes as the sharp, cold winter air hit her was not Patience. It was Piper Riddle, who had been dormant for seven years after the passing of her mother, Annabelle. Annie.
You were probably expecting something like this: boy meets girl, the two eventually realize their feelings for each other, get married, have kids, and grow old together. That's not what happened, though. This is the truth. This is how it ended for us, and I haven't seen Near since.
Maybe Allison and Mello got that ending. I don't know; I haven't seen them, either, and what few messages I have since received from Allison are extremely vague.
I'll always love Allison and Mello. I'll always miss May and Matt. I'll always keep in touch with Birdie and Joy and Lacey, who now know me as Piper, as well as Harrowing and Story, who I've also gotten to know over the years. I'll always be Patience to those I haven't seen since the Kira case ended. I'll always care for Near. But I'll never let any of those things hold me back.
So that's my story. It's obviously not what you expected. You probably want however much time of your life you wasted on this back. You want your happy ending. You want my happy ending.