I hate my own skin.
That was what I told Fox as I stood on the edge of the rooftop of our apartment. I hated the way my skin felt. I hated the bruises and scars they left me. I hated the constant indescribable pain I felt, this burning desire to tear off my skin in some futile hope of freeing me. I didn't feel like a person anymore. I felt like a hollow shell. I could breathe, think and move, but I felt no emotion. No purpose behind my actions. I felt... empty.
Fox, do you think I'd die from this height? I asked him, standing on one foot, my back to the illuminated grey streets below me. Would anyone scream if they saw my body? Would anyone care if I died?
My mind was empty. Not a single thought came to me. I didn't feel anything in the moment, and jumping didn't seem like a bad idea. All I had to do was fall backwards and become nothing.
Please, listen to me. Don't let what those monsters did define you. You ARE a human being, and you ARE loved. By me and by your mother. So please, don't do this. He pleaded with me like his life was depending on it.
Did I really mean that much to him?
I looked towards the streets below once more, a slight breeze swaying the two of us. Did I really want this? Would it even change anything...?
No.
No, it's not going to change anything.
I stepped down from the edge and walked back over to Fox. He hesitantly put his arms around me, hugging me tightly. Things weren't going to change if I reflected on the past. I needed to move forward, maybe even start a new life. Go somewhere far away with him.
We'll get through this together. Don't forget that. I'll always be by your side. He said, his hands on my shoulders. I saw it in his eyes. He was determined to make my life better, and after a year of staying in the past, I could finally move forward.
But, maybe that was a lie. I really did want to move forward, but I felt as though I couldn't trust the world anymore. My pessimistic outlook on life that had been brewing for an entire year completely warped my perception of the world, of the people in it. I felt as though I couldn't trust anyone except for him, and my own mother.
That single event had changed my life forever.
No matter how much you run away from your past, it'll always be a part of you.
But that doesn't mean you can't change who you are now in the present.
And I was determined to do just that and cut myself free.
(Title song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ5_vDmnjmU)
(дома молчат by Molchat Doma)