[WARNING: SLIGHTLY SENSITIVE CONTENT]
15
•••
When the world comes to light, it has never appeared so hazy.
"Rosie wake up"
The space beside you shifts.
"Jisoo?"
"Jennie you must hurry— both of you—"
You rub your tired eyes, forced to adjust to the bright lights above. Jisoo comes to sight. "Rosie, you need to go down to the stables." She tells you, and she's frantic- beckoning you to get up- you look at her robe and the sky out the window- it's the dead of night, "What's the matter?" you grog, trying to blink the blur to clear.
You turn to Jennie and she's just as bewildered as you, but that's not just it— she's mortified and she's glancing between you and Jisoo— your heart stops—
You brace the sheets as you scurry against the headboard. Jisoo stammers over words, eyes avoid yours and feet step to turn around, but not quite— "Get dressed—" she says, "y-you need to hurry" and fear strikes in the seconds it takes to jump in your pajamas and slip on your robe.
You're staggering on your feet, trying to grasp reality- trying to hurry because something is wrong. Terribly wrong.
Jisoo can't even articulate her words to tell you, too scattered, too shaken—
You're panic-stricken because it's Orange, you just know it- and you're gutless because Jisoo— you and Jennie were— she just came in and— oh god she knows—
It is your flight of fright that steers you out the door, drowning away all thought for what Jisoo had just seen— that you've just been caught- you think about your stallion and you sprint faster.
You burst out the palace doors and down the hill, and it's pouring- it's pouring rain and Jennie is calling for you but you don't stop running to the illuminated shed. You catch yourself slipping on your feet. Mud splashes everywhere, raindrops to your vision, cold bites on your skin.
You're hoping and you're praying "Please" that it's just not Orange.
"Rosie!"
That he's all better now and there's nothing to be afraid of.
"Roseanne!"
That he has nothing to be afraid of "please please please" you run faster. You jump off the slope and when you throw those wooden doors open—
Fear has never appeared so clearly.
It punctures through you- all of you- breaking the cages of your heart to drop to your stomach- the anguish twisting and pulling to wretchedness until it becomes too painful to keep your eyes open because it's Orange.
Your partner, your companion- you walk closer to his still, torpid body, lying on the hay in the comfort of his stable- lying so peacefully, it's as if there is truly nothing to be afraid of.
Lisa stands up from the ground and looks at you with tears in her eyes. And Chanyeol and Sehun, they stand behind- and you look at Rufus and his beady eyes are that of glistening tears and the truth that you have lost your loyal friend.
You wish to close your eyes. Because maybe then you can unsee the verity- the lifeless testament on the ground- that you have lost the innocent adventures, the rush of races, the victories, and the steadfast fellowship only known to you and your partner to memories alone.
You don't think you have enough.
"Roseanne," Rufus puts a hand on your shoulder, but you lose his touch once you drop to your knees.
You inch closer to Orange, a tremor to your hand as you reach out to touch him. The wind knocks out of you when you do. He's cold and stiff and you brush his golden mane with your fingers, "Hey, big guy." You stroke his muzzle- "It's okay, buddy" like relaxing him before another race— like always. You lean over and hug him, but you hug him like never before.
You cry the grueling acceptance that he's gone.
You dwell on certainty that the pain he endured is over, and he's free.
He's in the flower fields of the upper side, wandering off in peace and tranquility, where the breeze blows, one with his strides in scents of all the wonders of paradise.
He is without you in the fields, but you understand. No suffering could ever reach him there.
You gasp a breath and swallow the lump in your throat, "I want to bury him." you state. Your voice trembles, but your decision is unyielding, "In Mount Park Major, he will be laid to rest." not even your father will dismiss this order.
"I will prepare the burial, Your Highness." Rufus says.
"And we will do it now. Tonight." you decree, letting go of Orange and standing from the ground on quivering legs- from the run, could be- from the cold rain or the grief- maybe from it all.
You pull back your shoulders, lift your head, and wipe your eyes, but it is difficult to stop your tears. And when you turn around to face your mentor, you meet Jennie's eyes first, and it almost seems impossible.
She's soaked, too, and she looks at you with dismay and uncertainty, "Rosie, are you sure you don't want to wait until morning?"
You nod in response. You never gave a thought of when the time would come, let alone have to bury him at all.
You look at Jisoo over Jennie's shoulder, "Please inform my father. He is welcome to join, as all of you are, and we are leaving in ten minutes sharp."
You walk away, unable to speak anything further as the heartache tides in for another wave.
Jisoo and Jennie are the only ones to follow you, trudge back up the hill- the rain now only a pitter patter and you separate from your mentor once you reach the indoors.
Your feet take you to your bedroom, passing the dim corridors.
The walls have never felt so tall. So towering. So empty.
Your footsteps with Jennie's echo in the hollow of you. Suddenly, the tides have washed out and the uproar of sadness has silenced. Your mind is just as empty- can't even piece together the last moments you had with Orange, not even if it was merely the other day.
It is like the first walk in the harrows of reality.
When you enter your bedroom, you throw off your robe.
"Rosie?"
You open your dresser for two pairs of black trousers.
"Talk to me, love."
You pull out your drawer and grab two black blouses, because if Jennie won't go back to her room now then time will delay. You want to leave in ten minutes.
You go back to your dresser and grab two black coats. "Put these on." you hand her the set of clothes and take yours into the bathroom.
She stops you from closing the door, "Please say something" she whispers, so quiet and sad and she lets go of the clothes to cup your face and wipe the loose tears that return.
Your emotions shift on thin ice, threatened over troubled waters that will consume your void once again. You wonder why this feels awfully cruel.
You've dealt with a great loss before. Surely, you've grown and you've learned and you've shed for thick skin. You thought in the back of your mind that you could handle someone being taken from you again. Perhaps you even believed you would stop blaming the world for being so unfair- understand that death is drawn with the lines of fate.
But this is awfully familiar.
Who else has to get sick to lose their life in the end, you wonder.
"Please get dressed, Jennie."
And maybe she would have an answer if you just ask, but you don't think you're strong enough to say it out loud.
So you step away from her and close the door between you. You dress for your stallion's wake.
•••
The caretakers to the graveyard were quick. They carved the tombstone to your request in time for when Orange was buried in the ground.
In loving memory of Orange.
A loyal companion of great ambition and courage.
The last goodbyes you whispered to him replay in your head as the carriage takes you back to the palace. Now that emotions have settled in from the comprehension that he's been laid to rest, you realize you still have much to say. You think about your next visit and tomorrow sounds perfect.
The sky brightens as the sun wakes. You stare out into the horizon as the carriage descends the plateau, imagining the colors of the sunrise wherever Orange might be. You think of the afterlife and you think of mother waiting for him. It's a beautiful picture, and you imagine it in strokes of pink and orange pastels.
You keep your gaze out the window, not indulging in the light conversations that Jennie, Jisoo, and Lisa share. Like your settled emotions, your weariness has made its presence known to the four of you. Though, you are not the only one. You can hear the loss and exhaustion in their voices, too.
By the time you reach the palace, the sun has risen to the eight o'clock hour. You finally tear your eyes from the sun when the carriage passes through the gates, and they land on your father standing by the doors of the vestibule.
He opted not to join the burial for reasons you could care less for. You would be lying if you said you wanted him to come.
"I'll tell the handmaidens to have the baths ready for you both." Jisoo says before Suho opens the door.
He looks at you in sympathy and extends his hand to you.
In fact, all the royal subjects around have stopped to pay their sympathies in bows and apologetic faces.
"He's been laid to rest, Roseanne?" father asks as you ascend the steps with everyone close behind. You wonder why. He knows the answer himself.
You keep your head low, too worn out to even carry it.
Father takes your hand and sighs, "He's in a better place." he says softly.
You just nod.
"Join me for breakfast?" he asks.
You shake your head, "Jennie and I need to freshen up." and you slip your hand from his grasp, already stepping in the vestibule. It's bold of you to do so, but father doesn't move to stop you. He greets Jennie who follows in behind, and begins conversation with Rufus, Chanyeol, and Lisa.
Jennie tries to call your attention as you ascend the staircase, but you only acknowledge it when you stop by the corner of the hall.
She intertwines her hand in yours and looks at you longingly, "Perhaps we should join your father for breakfast first. You need to eat something, Rosie."
You stare at your hands together and wonder how numb you've actually become. You can't even feel the warmth of her. "I'm afraid I'm not hungry." you counter.
"Rosie," she sighs.
"I'm tired, Jennie."
"You don't have to have much, just a few bites- toast or fruit or—"
"Please, I just want to sleep." you say, almost too soft to be heard.
Jennie breathes to speak again, but instead she pulls you into her arms. She embraces you, holds you tight like she will carry the weight if you decide to give out. She says she's sorry you've lost Orange. She says she would bring him back if she could.
Jennie tells you she loves you. She whispers it over and over to mend the broken pieces in your chest.
This doesn't seem like you, you think. Because you still don't feel a thing.
"Excuse me, Your Highnesses,"
You pull away from Jennie when Joy and Yeri appear.
"The King of the North has phoned you, Princess Jennie."
"Just hang up the phone." Jennie doesn't even glance away from you.
"No," you tell Joy, and you squeeze Jennie's hand in return with a faint smile, "Speak with him," you say with an assurance to your tone, "I'll be fine. Take your time."
It seems that Jennie doesn't want to leave you, but with a higher curve to your lips, she confides, and walks you to your room before heading for hers.
When you close the door, Yeri advances to the bathroom to fill the tub.
You take off your coat. Your whole body is damp and sticky. The cold morning was of no help to dry off from the pour.
You work to unbutton your blouse, loose with the fasteners on your finger tips. When Yeri excuses herself from the room, you strip.
You lie slightly afloat in the curve of the tub.
The water is calm. You take a deep inhale of the lavender aroma, hoping it would do its purpose as a valium, but you are far from the state of relaxation.
Jisoo knows.
She knows because of how reckless you were. How foolish it was to sleep in Jennie's bed- naked in Jennie's arms- irresponsible, all this time it was, and how stupid you have been to think you would never get caught.
You ought to be lucky that it was your friend and no one else. Yet, the thought still anchors you to sink deep in the troubled waters.
You transfer to the shower.
Fleeting thoughts of Orange enter your mind, though, they do not stay long enough for you to lurk in the feelings of absence that come with them. Your mind must be just as tired as your body. Too senseless to even realize that it is functioning on its own.
In time, you make it to your bed, dressed in a t-shirt and loose pants. You've thrown on a jumper to shell out the low temperatures, too.
But as you pull down the covers to lay under, a few knocks call your judgements back to mind. You walk to the door and open it to Jisoo. She has her lip caught between her teeth and a wavered expression on her face.
You should have just pretended to be asleep. You should tell her that it is all you want to do. You should, but it seems your mind and body switch control over the other every second.
You step aside for her to enter.
The air shifts when she does. The silence is deafening. It's dense and serious and you think you're about to give out on carrying this weight.
She stands in the middle of the room, like she's not even sure of her reason for being here, and you sit on the edge of your bed. You manage to keep your head up to her, waiting for her to speak her mind.
She cuts through the quiet air when it becomes too thick for the both of you. "I'm terribly sorry for asking you this right now, Rosie" she says, and you wonder if it is her delicate voice calling your name or if it is the fact that you know what she is going to say, that is making your eyes sting.
She sits beside you on the bed, "You... and the Princess?"
"Yes", you nod your head and you're trying to be brave because you promised Jennie but you can't help but cry and you're rattled in fear of what might happen after this.
"Good lord"
You tell Jisoo everything through heavy tears and lungs.
You tell her about the first days of knowing Jennie- how callous she was to you one day, then how kind and open she was the next. You tell her about Jennie's hands and how soft they really are. You tell her about the first walk you took with Jennie on the trail and how you felt whenever she looked at you, how she took your breath away every time, how it was nothing like Chanyeol. And you tell Jisoo about the stolen stares and the kiss outside your door and all the other times Jennie kissed you. You tell her about the Cup and how Jennie wanted it for you and that that was the first time you slept together. You tell Jisoo about all the times Jennie slept with you and then the sunset on the cliff and the maze— god you tell her about Lisa— and the fight before the ball and the sex and the dates and the worries and the fears and everything— all up to now—
Jisoo holds you as you sob the secrets uncovered.
It burns in your chest and punches at your stomach because you knew you were acting as a hypocrite all this time, yet you disregarded, even looked down upon the feelings shared between Jisoo and Suho- even more so Lisa and Sehun— you forced them apart when you and Jennie shouldn't even be any different.
All the guilt of your sovereignty crashes down on you when the door swings open. All the guilt of the deception of friendship hits you harder.
Lisa closes the door behind her— treachery in her glossy eyes because she heard it all—
"I'm sorry" you gasp out, to both of them, "I didn't mean to hurt you I swear" you're just so scared of the consequences.
And you're ready for the spew of anger- Let go of me, Chu— and call me a hypocrite, tell me I was wrong— tell me I fucked up— "god I'm so sorry" you fist your shirt, press on your chest because this is the part that hurts- the guilt, the confessions- you are the one who is unfair in this game of outlaws.
"Hey," Lisa crouches in front of you.
Your tearful eyes burn with salty tears and you blink them down to face the betrayal you've left on your best friend.
But she cups your cheek and wipes your tears, "Don't cry, Rosie." she says, but it only causes for more welling emotions. You look at Lisa and she smiles at you softly. Her eyes are still looking for answers and they still read hurt because of you, but she squeezes your knee and she tells you it's okay, "Don't cry" she says again.
You don't know for how long the three of you sit in silence. Even past your sobs and gasps, Jisoo doesn't drop her arm from around you, nor does Lisa let go of your hand.
Nevertheless, you're grateful for your two best friends. You're not sure what sentiments reside after the revelations, and perhaps you won't find out today, or tomorrow, or until you're all ready to speak of them again, but in this moment you rest in the solace of Lisa and Jisoo.
You are not the kind of girl to cry in front of anyone. You would only ever let your tears sit so far as the brim of your eyes when you were washed in affliction. You do not appreciate pity, nor do you allow yourself to perceive as feeble in front of those who expect you as the opposite. You care for your dignity even with your dearest friends.
But now, you've been emptied. You've cried a river of tears and surrendered to the weight. You'd expected to feel a little lighter after feeling so much all at the same time. Perhaps, slightly relieved, or just different.
This really isn't like you, you think. Because suddenly, again, you don't feel a thing.
•••
You acquired a couple of hours for sleep during the day. You were halfway into slumber when Jisoo and Lisa helped you into bed and left you be. When you woke past five in the evening, you found a tray of cold food by your bedside table.
It must have been sent up for lunch, but you had slept through the entire afternoon.
You didn't leave your room just yet. You sat by the large window sill and watched the sunset over the forest. It wasn't as vibrant this time, but you didn't blame it. You understood if anything.
Only when Yeri informed you that dinner was ready did you exit the bedroom. And only now do you touch your sensibilities once more.
"This is a fine picture of him, isn't it." father states, tilting the newspaper in his hand to show you of the obituary the columns have written for Orange. It's a picture of you and him at the course of the Grand Stables. You have your hand by his jowl and the two of you posed side by side for the cameras. Father must have told the media of the news himself. "He was a strong horse, that Orange." he says, and the words don't sit well with you. And maybe it is merely because your father is the one to utter them.
"He's not just a horse." you murmur, but only Jennie must have heard you because she lifts her head from the plate, while father continues reading.
"It's a shame, he was a bright animal amongst the rest." and continues to refer Orange as what he is not just.
"Can we please talk of something else" you request, though pointless.
Jennie looks at you sadly. Father doesn't look at you at all.
"I understand you are upset. However, look at it this way, Roseanne- he was bound to be kept in the stables for the rest of his years since the cup is over, so perhaps what happened was better for him in the long run."
Father speaks like he is stating the obvious, almost like a way of invalidating the mourn in you to have lost a close friend. Like he thinks Orange wasn't a close friend at all.
"Eat your food, Roseanne, it will get cold."
You set your chopsticks down. "I'm not hungry anymore." you mumble. You stare at Jennie, who glances up to you from your plate half-filled.
You fold the cloth napkin on your lap and put it on the table while staring- waiting for a sign from her to say that she understands. That she won't ask you to stay, sit with father, and finish dinner, because you will. You will stay if she asks you to.
Jennie looks at you with sad eyes. And until she takes a deep, silent breath, and can't look at your deadpan expression any longer, you push your chair back.
"If you will excuse me." You stand from the table and walk away.
Your father calls for you, but he drowns in the background of your hearing, together with Jennie speaking a few words to him.
You retreat to your room, back within the walls that have heard all your secrets.
Your biggest one knocks on the door only moments later, as you are crawling up on the bed.
Jennie slips in the dim room, a meek smile on her face. You brush your hand on the space beside you, and she joins you under the covers. She pulls you in, letting your head rest on her shoulder with her arm around you. You drape your own arm on her waist, relaxing into the shape of her.
Jennie holds you like this, like she normally does every night. And the longer you lie here with her, the more you ache to feel what you should be feeling as she holds you like this.
You press yourself against her even more because you want to feel her. You want to feel her warmth spreading to every point of your body. You want to feel her skin and her soft touch.
You crane your head up and she looks down at you.
You kiss her.
You urge her to part her lips, kiss you back and dominate you. You want her to take control- take you just like last night. You lead her to hover over you. Jennie slides between your legs- she slips her tongue in your mouth and explores every inch. You spread your legs wider and run your hands over her back, almost pressing her to rock against you.
She does, and the need for more is intensifying.
You want only want to feel Jennie- ask her to take away the loss and the guilt and the pain because she knows how. She is the only one who does. You want to feel her inside you- protect you from everything scary in you- just make you forget for the night.
You part from the kiss to rid of your shirt and you smash your lips on hers again. You kiss her deeper and rougher and you moan when Jennie grinds on your clothed clit. Your hands are all over her- her face, her back, under her shirt- you ride it up to throw it off but—
"Rosie—" she tries to break away so you cup her face and kiss her harder. You buck your hips to hers because she's slowing down.
You tug your pants low—
Jennie lifts her face away. She's still moving but she's shaking her head, "Baby, I—"
"Don't stop" you exhale, and you pull her closer, "Please don't stop" you're begging— "just fuck me Jennie" you just want to feel something— anything— "just fuck me"
Jennie shakes her head firmly and removes your hands from her face, "I can't do this to you, love" she gets off of you and sits on the edge of the bed, running her fingers through her hair as she catches a breath- "we shouldn't do this, Rosie" she says seriously, but soft and gentle—
You don't force it. Your mind overcomes body this time. You're on the verge of what might be another uncontrollable burst of sobs- you cover your face with your hands. Something in your chest is tightening— burning. Your knees curl and you lie on your side, back away from Jennie trying to understand what you were just asking her to do— you're embarrassed of what you asked her to do and you're hating yourself all over again because you have been so insensitive.
You're not even sure if you're crying about Orange anymore.
And Jennie must feel just as troubled— Jisoo caught her too— she knew Orange too— and Jisoo and Lisa, they have known Orange for just as long as you have and you've hurt them more than anyone and you've been making this day all about you when you are not the only one allowed to feel.
"Rosie,"
Your lungs gasp for air once she speaks your name. You keep your back to her- ashamed, because you want to stop crying but you just can't.
"Baby, I'm sorry" Jennie wraps her arms around you from behind, lying back next to you and kissing your shoulder. It's so gentle and soothing and you don't deserve it. "We just— we can't do this now- not like this okay?"
You nod your head, but the stifled cries are a contradiction.
"Rosie,"
You choke up, "I'm sorry Jennie I— I didn't mean to—"
"It's okay, Rosie"
Only it's not— It's not okay— You never do things you don't mean. You don't say empty words. This isn't you—
You wish to shut your mind off completely. Stop with the switching minds, feel nothing one minute then feel everything the next kind of bullshit. It's so messy- it's too messy, too complicated, too much.
"I'm right here, baby" Jennie whispers through the noise in your head, trying to find you in the middle of the chaos. "I'll stay right here if you want me to."
You take Jennie's hand and you cradle it close to your chest, because stay— you don't want to get lost in the abyss of mind.
You don't want to go anywhere without Jennie.