He almost threw the door shut in Mew’s face when he entered the apartment. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was acting like this, but it felt like the whole world was against him at that moment. And in return, he was against everything in the world.
It was like there was a fire in his heart, burning with anger and disappointment. The worst part? These emotions weren’t directed at Mew as he would like to, they were emotions he held against himself. He did this to himself; he brought his hopes up even though he fully knew it was useless.
You should’ve kept that door shut, Gulf, you dumbass.
Mew placed a hand on the door before it could reach him. He had followed the nongs’ angry pace as they left the car but didn’t reach out to calm him down, as if he had known how Gulf felt. This only confirmed Gulf’s suspicious about how the older husband only found him a bother.
And he’s right to.
‘N’Gulf, careful!” the man shouted at the younger after he closed their front door. Gulf didn’t want to be careful, he wanted to channel his feelings into something. Whether it was the door or anything else, he really couldn’t bother caring. So, he turned to Mew, the fire in his heart reflected in his eyes.
“Why?” he asked, voice already breaking with emotion, “Why should I be careful? Haven’t I been so this whole time, working hard to safekeep your relationship!” Gulf wasn’t talking about the door anymore; it had never been about that. This last exchange with Mew had been the final drop waiting for Gulf to explode. “I’ve nicely been playing the role of your dumb husband, to save your dumb face, while it has nothing to do with me! I tried so hard as well!” The younger blinked a couple of times, surprised that tears had started forming. He was so fed up with everything, this whole charade, his dumb feelings and Mew! Mew, the man who was standing in front of him with that stupid worried look on his face, most of all!
“N’Gulf,” his name left Mew’s mouth again, making Gulf feel things he didn’t want to admit.
“Shut up!” he wanted to shout, but his voice was suddenly quiet. He thought he wanted the man to leave him alone, but that thought didn’t agree in his heart. So, instead he asked Mew again; “Why?” He wasn’t sure exactly what he was asking. Why was he doing all this effort for someone he hadn’t even known existed two weeks ago? Why did Mew follow him like this? Why did his heart hurt when he realized he would never be his? So many why’s but no answers.
Instead of answering, Mew took a step closer to Gulf. His arms were open as he approached the nong, as if taming a wild animal. Gulf shook his head, taking a step backwards. He didn’t want to be touched. He knew that if he felt those strong arms close around him, he might never move on.
Ignoring Gulf once again, Mew took another step. He didn’t hug the boy as he had expected, instead opting to take one of his hands which had been hanging at his side. Mew’s own hands held the hand carefully, enclosing it tenderly.
“I’m sorry,” Mew didn’t look at him as he said this, eyes on their hands. “I’m sorry for putting all this pressure on you. I’m sorry for not properly thanking you for all you’re doing.”
Tears fell on their hands. Gulf was surprised to find out they were his own. So much for being angry.
“I feel so alone,” Gulf admitted suddenly. And he really did. He somehow entered this universe all alone, without anyone at his side. No one to guide him or to support him in this suddenly strange country. No one except Mew. But Mew was a stranger who he had never met before this. Who didn’t even care about him like how he cared about the older. Mew, who only cared about him to save his own skin. Gulf was only a temporary replacement, a bother in his otherwise perfect life.
“You’re not, I’m here. I’m with you,” Mew said and oh, how much Gulf wanted to believe these words. But he couldn’t. Because even though the man was here right now, holding his hand so sweetly, he would leave him without a doubt for his Gulf. For the real Gulf.
Why am I calling him real? Am I really accepting myself to just be a fake?
…
I guess I am.
More tears started falling, until he felt himself pulled into a hug. He pushed the man away, scared of his own feelings and heart, but Mew didn’t budge.
“You’re doing great, N’Gulf, perfect even,” Mew whispered in his ear, and it went straight to his heart.
Don’t say that! Don’t do this to me!
He tried escaping once again, hitting Mew’s back continuously like a young child, but to no avail. Eventually he gave up, lowering his face on Mew’s shoulder as he let the tears take free reign. Hiccups started forming in his throat, until he felt his legs give up. All strength left him as he gave himself up to his feelings.
Mew was there to catch him, swiftly moving them to the couch. He kept whispering quiet encouraging words in his ear as he tried to shush the younger, his hand caressing his back.
“Y’know,” the older husband suddenly started after Gulf’s sobs quiet down. The younger didn’t answer, basking in the warmth of the embrace. “The day you woke up next to me, I was going to end it all,” his voice was soft, but his words hit hard. Gulf still didn’t move, instead making a small noise to indicate he was listening. It was a broken and sad noise. He had calmed down somewhat now, and the noise reminded him of his earlier burst of anger. He suddenly felt embarrassed, hugging Mew closer as if that would hide this feeling.
“I’d woken up that day, planning to break up with my Gulf,” there was no emotion in Mew’s voice as he said this. Gulf suddenly felt cold. He’d planned to break up with Gulf? But… Why? It had been the day of their wedding anniversary as well. Suddenly he remembered what the man had said to him that morning again. The words had been haunting him since then, and now he finally knew why.
‘Are you trying to avoid talking about our marriage?’
Indeed, those were the words Mew had accused him of at first, when he hadn’t believed Gulf. But why exactly did he plan to break up? Gulf couldn’t understand the man in front of him. His marriage was a happy one, right? Then, Gulf remembered how Mew had kissed another man, and how he had told him about it not so long ago. Is that why? Because he has another lover?
“Why?” Gulf asked, for the second time that afternoon. This time he felt the need to elaborate. “You have a happy marriage, why would you want to put a stop to it?”
Mew sighed, loosening his grip on Gulf and pulling back out of the hug. Gulf felt the need to pout but tried to put on an emotionless face instead.
“It’s… complicated,” Mew said, still not looking at Gulf as he said this.
The younger couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “That’s the most typical and lamest excuse I’ve ever heard,” he half scolded the older husband. This made Mew look up to him, one side of his mouth raised in amusement at the tone of his nong.
“It’s really not that simple though,” Mew reasoned. Gulf looked the man straight in his face. He felt the need to put his own hands on Mew’s cheeks so he could direct his stare towards him as well but didn’t dare to actually do it.
“P’Meewwww,” he lengthened his husbands name. “Is it because of the person you kissed? Do you love someone else?” Mew had a weird emotion on his face as he asked this, only confusing Gulf more.
The older shook his head. “No, not really.”
“Then why, Phi?”
There was a weird edge to Gulf’s words. He sounded interested and curious, but also hopeful. Hopeful for things better left unsaid. For possibilities he shouldn’t think about. But also scared for the underlying reason. After all, if the older husband didn’t like the original Gulf after all, that meant his chance was even lower.
My chance of what exactly? Stop thinking like this Gulf!
Mew seemed to be lost in thought for a moment. Gulf was about to speak up again, but Mew seemed to have made up his mind. “You know about how Tong asked everyone at the party, who was the cutest between TharnType and MewGulf?”
The younger nodded, having no idea where this was going.
“And then how P’Mame responded that TharnType’s love is fiction and… ours is real?” Mew whispered the last part, eyes far away like he wasn’t talking to Gulf.
“I remember,” Gulf said loudly, trying to get Mew to return to him.
“I don’t think our love was ever real,” Mew spit out the words.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Gulf felt himself growing annoyed at the older husband. What the hell was he going on about?
“It’s like… when you play a character, sometimes you’re taken over by their feelings,” Mew tried to explain, carefully choosing his words. “Do you understand?” he looked up this time, a sad smile on his lips.
Gulf shook his head. “No. Not at all,” the words left his mouth a little rougher than he intended, but it was too late to take it back. He didn’t know Type. He never played Type.
Mew sighed again, deeper than before. “I think I got so into playing Tharn – the role – that I got my own feelings intermixed,” his voice was loud and clear, but Gulf still didn’t understand anything he said.
“That sounds ridiculous,” Gulf admitted irritated.
Mew smiled that same smile again. “It isn’t, believe me.”
There was a pause as both men didn’t say anything, both lost in their own thoughts. In Gulf’s case, his confusion about what Mew just said. It sounded like utter bullshit to him, but what could he say? He had no experience in acting at all, so maybe the older was right? Gulf didn’t want him to be right though. He suddenly felt offended in this world’s Gulf stead! They had been married for 2 years for fucks sake! How could you suddenly decide it all to be fake! Who could even be with someone for that long if it’s just fake!
“What about m-” me, Gulf wanted to say, but he quickly recovered himself. Bad moment to be identifying with this world’s Gulf. “about Gulf? What are his feelings?”
“I’m sure he feels the same,” Mew’s voice sounded defeated, like he had long accepted whatever was going on between him and his Gulf. However, this Gulf couldn’t so easily accept it.
“Have you asked him?” he asked, growing even more impatient at the man I front of him. His own feelings for Mew aside, how could Gulf’s feelings been anything but real? He had seen the videos and clips of them together, read the texts he sent to his family, even his conversation with P’Best had shown him Gulf cared about Mew. He himself, as well, knew how it was to like the man – the world love shouldn’t be spoken, he shouldn’t love him – so how could Gulf’s feelings be anything but real!
Mew let go of Gulfs hands, himself growing annoyed at the younger man. “We’ve had plenty of fights about it, so I’m pretty sure.” The words that left his mouth were definite, like he wanted to put a stop to this conversation suddenly.
He started this conversation himself!
“I don’t believe you,” Gulf whispered to the older husband.
The husband smiled in reply, eyes contrastingly sad in comparison to the upturned corners of his mouth.
“Whatever you feel for me, N’Gulf, it isn’t real either,” Mew held a hand out, caressing Gulf’s cheek. A contrasting action for the words that just left his mouth. Gulf shook his head, suddenly hating the way the man’s touches burned on his skin. He slapped the hand back as he leaned backwards, standing up so he could look at the man from above. The man that had noticed how he felt, however hard he tried to hide it.
How?
“How do you know that!?” Gulf was suddenly yelling. “You don’t know what I feel! You don’t even know me!” And how could he! They had only met two weeks ago. Even Gulf was aware that his feelings towards the man shouldn’t have grown this strong in this short period of time. But they had! And he knew what he was feeling!
“I just know, yai nong,” Mew used the familiar call-name to shush the younger, but it had the opposite effect.
“I know whatever I feel! Just like I know your Gulf likes you as well!” he was actually shouting now. Only after the words left his mouth, he realized what he said.
Likes you as well.
Fuck, he just confirmed that Mew’s suspicions were right.
Mew sighed; voice hard as he answered. “I can read you the same as I can read Gulf. You two wear your heart on your sleeve, nong, you always have.”
“Shut up!” Gulf inhaled loudly, turning around to walk away. “You don’t know anything!” he said these words as he walked out the room, slamming another door behind him. He made his way to the guest room, not wanting to see anything that would remind him of the stupid man that was currently still sitting in the living room. Locking the door behind him, he breathed a sigh of relief as he felt like he had escaped.
Why did he even like Mew? Why does this world’s Gulf even like Mew? If the older constantly disregarded their feeling like that, how could they continue being with him?
He fished his phone out of his pocket, unlocking the device only to be met by their wedding photo on the background.
“What did you actually feel?” he asked the smiling Gulf on the picture. “Why do you love Mew?”
He could name several reasons himself; the way the man cared for him, how his eyes looked at him with full adoration (in public), how he was so selflessly devoted to his work… But he suddenly wanted to know why Gulf liked Mew.
He searched Mew’s name in google again, trying to remember everything about Mew he knew from his own universe and this. There wasn’t much he didn’t already know; he had done this exact same search several times these past weeks. He also didn’t know why a google search would answer his question, but he was feeling desperate at this point. He hoped that if they really wore their heart on their sleeves, just as Mew had said, Gulf should be able to read his other self as well.
All the videos and articles he watched just confirmed what he already knew. Mew and Gulf had been in love, there was no mistaking their shared looks and touches. Gulf especially recognized that exact full mouth smile the younger gave to his husband: it was a smile only for those dear in his heart.
No way Gulf doesn’t love Mew. Just as there’s no way my feelings are a lie either.
He searched further, scrolling through threads and pictures he had never seen before. Apart from all the numerous fan compilations of them on YouTube, there was one other thing Gulf had never dared to explore. Something he vaguely remembered from his own universe. Mew’s past relationship drama.
Gulf felt dirty looking through the old articles of him and his old co-actor, but he needed to read them. He needed to understand why Gulf liked the man, even with his past. Even with all the accusations, the original Gulf never showed any discomfort when he met Mew. He knew as well, that if it had been him, he probably would’ve at least asked Mew about it. Had they talked about it before, before they married, before they dated?
Or was there no reason to believe the accusations and speculation? Did they just ignore Mew’s history with the actor called Art because it had all been a lie anyway?
Maybe the original Gulf had been right. It was a bad idea for them to act together. If the older man already had problems separating his own feelings from one character, then it could only get worse with any role they played as a couple.
There were so many questions lefts unanswered in his head, and he felt his earlier headache resurface. Maybe he should just go to sleep. Maybe some rest will magically give him the answers he had been looking for. He could do with some wishful thinking right now.
It dawned on him somewhere in between his endless thoughts that he hadn’t contacted nong Art for weeks after he visited her so suddenly. She was the only thing he had that was someway still his, even though she was of this world. In some way, she even knew about his situation. He switched to Line on his phone, remembering their last conversation. She had told him he could trust her to keep a secret.
He sent her a text before he fell asleep, short and to the point.
“Why do I like Mew?”
Anyone else would probably question Gulf’s sanity for sending this text, but he knew his nong. Maybe she could answer a question he couldn’t himself. It was worth a try anyway.
It took her 3 hours to answer, and Gulf was sleeping away his hangover when the text came.
It was a link to an old interview they had done, when they hadn’t been openly dating or even dating at all. Mew and Gulf were interviewed separately but were asked the same question.
They both smiled as they answered, precisely describing the other without even trying.
“What is your ideal type?”