It's been six days since we visited Dr Green. She's supposedly the best gynaecologist in the city, and I would want to believe that if she was proposing me with some positive news, but so far all she had done was run a surgical test, and had asked us to wait for at least a week for any conclusive results.
To say I was heartbroken was downplaying it. It has been more than a week, yet it feels like I'm living a nightmare every single day. If that isn't enough, I am making things harder for James without intending to. The first few days were the hardest. I didn't have the strength to speak to him, or the words didn't seem enough. Even when I did speak, I ended up saying all the wrong things which made me overthink every time I opened my mouth to talk again.
But then I couldn't bear seeing him in pain. We were hurting. We've been hurting, both of us, but the waiting of knowing results from this second opinion has been killing me. I want to say that I am not hopeful, mostly because all of it has been crushed but there's a small part of me that wants to believe in some alternative that I don't have to give up so soon.
"Okay, is she serious? She needs to go for the bad brother, he's the obvious choice." Caleb shouts at the screen and I turn to my left as he passes the ice cream tub to my right.
"I kind of the like the good brother, he's only superficially nice, but actually bad." Jeremy contributes, gobbling the chocolate chip ice cream as I narrow my eyes at the two of them.
We told our families. Three days ago. When it had been a week that James and I didn't step a foot at Clark Enterprise, Carrack barged in the apartment demanding an explanation from his son. I knew he was furious at first, but it's painful to see everyone's disheartening reaction when we break the news to them.
Jeremy had been home since the weekend but I refused to meet him, despite James insisting that it might be a good idea. Similarly, I had been insisting for him to go to work. I knew my salary was being cut each day I took off, but I needed a little more time to face the world. The company wasn't stopping with my absence, whereas the same couldn't be said about James.
So, we struck a deal last night. He promised to go to work if I would spend the day with Caleb and Jeremy, both of whom had been on his ass to meet me because I wasn't directly communicating with anyone.
"Is there anything you need?" Caleb asks me, his eyes filled with worry.
I shake my head, "No. Thanks for being here, both of you."
"Are you sure you want to eat ice cream and watch this movie instead of talking?" Jeremy's face pretty much mirrors Caleb's.
"I really don't want to talk about it."
Both of them exchange a look, nod at me and go back to watching the movie. I might have agreed to let them baby-sit me, even though James promised that's not what this is but I am not talking about it. I know he's scared for me. He's afraid I'll break.
I wish I could say he's wrong, but he really isn't. I'm hanging by the thread, my thoughts ruminating each second to how my worst nightmare is coming true. I didn't know how easy it was to disconnect yourself from the surroundings and get lost in your thoughts, but apparently, it's very much possible.
My mother has been worried the most, and I want to meet her, but she's one person who's capable of making me want to talk about it, apart from my husband. With James, it's getting better. We're both trying to let each other in. It has taken me some time to understand that I'm not going through this alone, as much as I'd like to believe that.
He was going to be a father too, and he lost that just as much as I lost the chance of being a mother.
When the credits of the movie roll in, Caleb gets up from the couch, going to the kitchen and I turn to Jeremy.
"Is it alright if I transfer the money to you in a while? I'm supposed to get my salary in another week and that would definitely deduct the leaves I'm taking."
He frowns at me, "Lil, no! I got it, you've helped me enough for the past month."
"No, you should focus on the school for a while, Jer. I know your current part-time isn't enough to cover your expenses."
"You don't have to, I'm managing."
I shake my head at him. "I'm not listening to you."
He grumbles a little but doesn't argue back. I know he might not like it, but I have to talk to James. I've been running low on my savings a little but I don't want to concern Jeremy with it. I can easily ask James to lend me some money which I'll pay him back once I get my salary for next month.
Caleb comes back to the couch with my medicines and a glass of water. I resist rolling my eyes because of how well James has instructed them to take care of me. I can do the bare minimum. I had terrible cramps after Dr Green performed D&C procedure but it's getting better day by day.
"Bottom's up," Jeremy smiles at me, gesturing to the meds and I give him a look.
After swallowing down the pills, I pick up my phone from the coffee table as the guys decide to watch another movie. There are texts from my friends, especially Ashley because she went to her hometown but I don't reply to any of them. I need separate energy to be social, which already takes a lot of effort from my side.
I get up from the couch and both of them look at me worriedly which annoys me a little. "Just going to pee, geez."
I move down to the bathroom and change the sanitary pad before realising that I'm almost running out. Without giving it a thought, I dial James's number and he picks up in the first ring which makes me frown.
"You've never received my call so quick."
"Are you okay?"
He's panicking. Great. I rub my temples as I step out in the bedroom, "Yes, breathe."
"Okay, okay." I hear some voices in the background which only makes me feel guilty.
"James, are you in a meeting?"
"No." He immediately counters but when there's silence on the phone, he lets out a whispered curse. "Yes, I was but I walked out. Tell me, what's wrong?"
"This wasn't the part of the deal. You can't receive my calls in the middle of the work. Now, go back and call me when you're free."
I'm about to hang up when I hear him protesting, "Wait, hold up! I was done concluding so I'm not going back. Tell me already."
I think about it for a second but then sigh before speaking up, "I'm almost out of the sanitary pads. Will you get me a pack on your way back?"
"Of course, the same ones you've been using?"
"Yeah." I nod to myself. "Thanks."
"Is there anything else you want?"
"No." There's a stretched silence on the phone before he sighs so I ask, "Are you okay?"
"Yes, no. I don't know. It doesn't feel right being back at work knowing that you're not okay."
I let out an exasperated breath. It feels weird that he isn't here, but I don't want to tell him that because then he'll stop going to work from tomorrow.
"I am okay. Jeremy and Caleb aren't so bad." He doesn't speak anything for a few seconds but then I hear his name being called in the background. "Go, I'll see you in a couple of hours."
"Yes, okay. Just text me if you need me to get anything else, and I'm just a call away, alright?"
"I know."
After he hangs up, I slip my phone inside my pj pockets and move out in the hallway. I come to a pause in front of the door on the right, my step faltering a little as I bite on my lower lip to gather the strength to bring myself to open the knob.
It's been days, and we haven't had the courage to step inside. We've spent so much time in this room, painting it ourselves on the weekends which has to be one of the most fun things James and I have done together. I smile at the memory, how adorable he looked with his face covered in the paint. It feels like that was a different lifetime altogether.
Despite telling everyone about the loss, we haven't shared this another health problem I am facing. I have gone to google and read up so much about it that it has freaked me out more than necessary. After a while James took my phone and laptop away but then I promised him I wouldn't go through google so he returned it back.
My hand meets the cold doorknob as I take in a shaky breath, aware that I'm not ready to see the other side of the door. It will be too much. I gulp, almost turning the knob when I hear Caleb's voice.
"Lil?" He looks worried with that frown stretched across his face and I quickly retract back my hand. "Are you alright?"
I nod, sighing. "I'm fine."
Fine. That's one place I hate to be, yet it feels like I'm going to be stuck here for a lifetime with my thoughts and feelings running in spirals.
"Listen, I understand why you wouldn't want to talk to anyone else about it, but please don't push your man out." He reminds me.
"I'm not. I was, but not anymore. I need him as much as he needs me," I tell him truthfully.
He gives me a small smile, and we walk back to the living room. I notice Jeremy's chopping fruits for us which makes me realise how much he has grown since he went to Columbia.
We spend the rest of the afternoon watching movies and them feeding me healthy things. It's around early evening when I hear the front door opening so I get up from the couch and make my way over.
He's putting aside his bag when he sees me and a huge sigh of relief leaves through my body, almost mirroring him. I rush into his arms and he wraps me in a tight embrace, his lips placing multiple kisses over my forehead.
"I missed you." He whispers and I smile a little, because I have gotten so used to his presence around me all the time.
"How was work?" I ask, parting away but then stepping closer and kissing him, just so he knows that he isn't the only one who missed me.
He kisses me back, his hands going in my tied hair as he leaves a trail from my jaw to my neck as he grumbles. "Terrible. Couldn't get you out of my head."
"Okay, not what a brother wants to see." Jeremy speaks from behind us but I just wrap my arms around James, my only source of comfort these days.
"Too bad." James smirks at him before kissing my hair. "Had a good day?"
"Yeah, it was fine." He shrugs, his eyes moving to me before he shares a look with James.
"I was fine, stop talking with your eyes." I swat James's shoulder and he laughs a little, the sound relaxing me.
When we step inside the living room, I notice Caleb picking up his stuff as he nods at James and turns to Jeremy. "Ready to go?"
"No, what? At least stay for dinner." I pout at the two of them but Jeremy shakes his head.
"Have to get back home, Lil. Dad needs to discuss some work stuff." He informs me so I turn to Caleb.
"Austin and I are visiting his father today." He shrugs, and that's something I cannot argue with.
I nod in understanding at the two of them before stepping forward and hugging them. After they leave, James loosens his tie and puts his jacket on the couch.
"We were running out of some things in kitchen, so I got that too," He tells me as he takes a seat on the couch and I sit by his side, resting my head against his shoulder. "How are you feeling today?"
"Tired." I respond truthfully before meeting his beautiful eyes. "I almost went into the room today."
His face transforms into surprise as he looks at me. "And?"
"I couldn't do it. Too soon." I shrug and he nods at me.
"Don't push yourself. Whenever you're ready, we'll do it together." He assures me and I nod.
We sit in silence in each other's embrace for a while before he goes to change and take a shower. He comes back out in sweats as I prepare dinner for the both of us. I've realised that as long as I'm keeping myself busy, it gets better.
"I was thinking of coming back to work," I say during dinner.
He seems a little hesitant as he speaks up. "Are you sure?"
I nod at him. "I'll drive myself crazy in here, James. I think I need to let out."
"Okay." He gives me a small smile. "Let's just see how tomorrow's appointment goes?"
"Sure." I shrug, aware that a lot is on stake at tomorrow's appointment.
At night, we talk. I tell him about my day with Caleb and Jeremy while he explains to me how miserable he was at work. I know he's hurting, but he's at least showing better resilience than I am. I don't know if he's keeping a strong front for both of us, but I know I'm the luckiest woman to have him love me the way he does.
When the morning comes, my nerves are clawing at me and I know just from looking at him that he's a nervous wreck too. He does and undoes his tie at least five times before cursing out and throwing it away.
I smile a little at his frustrations before taking it in my hand and going up to him. "Let me?"
He sighs, stepping closer as I tie the knot around his collars and he studies me patiently. "You're awfully calm."
"I think we've already faced the worst news. She can only confirm it." I shrug, telling him the truth.
I don't want to voice out that little simmering hope that I seem to have inside my heart. It would only spark his already existing one, and he might be keeping strong for both of us, but I need to be his strength too.
"Let's just try to be a little positive, alright?"
"Okay." I nod, kissing him before stepping back. "We got all the previous reports?"
"Yeah, I got it."
When we leave the apartment, my nerves are much calmer than how magically they peak up waiting in Dr Green's clinic. I feel like my heart is in my mouth when her assistant calls out my name and James just gives a tight squeeze to my hand.
Whatever lies on the other end of the door, I know I have to survive through it. If not for myself, then for this man I've grown to love and for all the happiness he deserves in his life. If need be, I'll go for therapy again. I just can't let our relationship suffer when I'm already suffering enough.
Dr Green is in her late forties, an experienced woman with simmering white hair. She smiles at us when we enter her office.
"How are you doing, Lillian?" She asks as we take a seat across her and James gives me an encouraging nod.
"Fine." I nod at her. "Anything conclusive?"
She nods, taking out a file as she starts flipping the pages and then removes her spectacles to look at the two of us. The way she's staring at me, my heart already knows what's coming next but I still can't bear the pain of it.
"Your previous doctor was right. We will have to go ahead with a hysterectomy."
I feel James's hold on my hand loosen, my own skin going cold at her words. Second opinion, just the same. All this to bear a repetitive heartbreak. I just nod at her, that small part of hope in my heart dying a slow death as I gulp, looking at James who seems surprised with the news.
He was hold out for a good news. I know he was. He just didn't want to give me hope if things turned out wrong but I know my man, I know he's optimistic when things hit rockbottom.
This is rockbottom.
"Is there no other way?" James manages to ask, his voice clipped.
"The procedure I conducted more than a week back, it was to clear out the miscarriage but also to take a sample of the fibroid which seems to be attaching your uterine wall." She informs me, making me frown. "The size is significantly big, as can be seen from the ultrasound itself. We don't know how did it grow so much over the period of a month that you didn't get an ultrasound done during your pregnancy, but then sometimes the body works in mysterious ways."
"Could this have been prevented if I had gotten a check-up during that month?" I question, trying to make some sense out of this.
She shakes her head. "No, we only get a couple of ultrasounds done during the first trimester and yours were all on time. It could've been an underlining tissue which grew due to pregnancy. Sadly, nothing can be said about that with surety."
"Why the surgery? Can't you just remove the tissue without hysterectomy?" James asks, grasping at the straws and I can't help but have my heart hurt for him. I tighten my hand on his, letting him know that this is what we knew was coming, we can get through this even if my heart is breaking into a million pieces right now.
The doctor sighs, looking down at her hands before meeting our eyes. "Dr Lea was right about a lot of things, Mr. and Mrs. Clark, but she probably didn't run one of the tests due to how young you are, so the possibility was minimal."
"What?" James scowls at her.
"The fibroid isn't benign, James. It's a tumor."
It's a tumor. A tumor.
She meets my eyes, sympathy clear behind it. "We ran a biopsy, which is why it took so many days to get back to you. You've uterine cancer, Lillian but the good thing is, it's still in the middle stages, so we can perform hysterectomy, which will get rid of it."
Uterine cancer. Cancer. Did she just say I have cancer? I can't hold back my laugh as I scoot on the edge of my seat, keeping my elbows on the desk as I stare at her.
"I'm sorry, I think I heard you wrong." I smile at her.
"Lillian, I know it's hard to process. You're still very young so your body has a lot of potential to fight, but we need to start the treatment as soon as possible."
"Treatment for what?" I look at James, shaking my head. "James, please tell me she's wrong."
He looks pale. The doctor gives him a nod before he turns to me, his hand coming to my cheek as I lean into his palm, embracing the warmth of his skin.
"Lil..." His voice cracks.
Fuck, no. I shake my head as her voice repeats in my head. No, no, no. I refuse to believe that I could possibly have cancer. I'm not even twenty three!
I look at James's face again and that's all it takes for the reality to dawn upon me. She isn't lying, this isn't a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from, this a nightmare I have to survive for the rest of my life.
As my walls start breaking, I turn to Dr Green and she's looking at me like she feels my pain. But does she, really? She isn't the one seeing the man she loves sitting in front of her like his whole world is crushing down on him.
"What's the treatment?" I ask her, my instincts kicking in. "Tell me, is it fatal?"
Because cancer in my head sounds like death. This what google told me, but for once, it wasn't wrong or exaggerating! I came across endometriosis cancer and I had possibly all the things it mentioned but I thought even a cold search on google would lead to cancer.
It's funny how it actually came out to be true. James hasn't spoken a word apart from my name. I just wish I could peak into his head and look at his thoughts because mine are all leading towards darkness.
"James." I whisper to him. "Are you okay?"
He gives me a blank look but just gulps, nodding his head and I know he's lying. He can't be strong anymore, not for us, not for me, and especially not for himself. I tighten my hold on his hand, bringing it up to my face to place a kiss on his knuckles before I turn to Dr Green, waiting for my answer.
"No, if eradicated, it isn't fatal. I'm hoping that performing the surgery would help, but you would need to undergo chemotherapy along with it for other cancer cells which might prevail. There's about five year survival rate, regardless." She explains, and after a while, I zone her out.
Five year survival rate.
Suddenly, hysterectomy doesn't sound a bad idea. If it means that I get to live, I'd have that over dying. I have this sudden gripping fear clawing at my head but I don't know what to think. Shall I mourn the death of my motherhood or my own life?
"We can schedule a date for surgery. Just give me a call, alright?" She hands me over a copy of reports which James takes.
After we leave her clinic, I turn to James and he finally looks at me. "She doesn't know what she's talking about."
Denial. That's his first reaction. I don't blame him, it was mine too until I realised that all of it makes sense. My life is getting back at me for the two wonderful years it has provided me with this man. It's time for a little payback.
My heart is hurting like someone has ripped it to shreds as I notice James's expressions. I wrap my arms around him, providing him the comfort he has provided me all this time.
"Let's get home?" I ask, not wanting to have this conversation on a sidewalk because I'm barely holding myself together.
He doesn't respond but then I spot our car and Reece. We silently make our way to her and then she drives us home. The word cancer repeats in my head like a chant as I let the dam of my emotions break free. How can a single person who I've met twice have the power to crush my life through a few words?
I'm unlocking the apartment when my hands start to shake and James takes the keys from my fingers, doing it himself.
When we're in the hallway, I pause in front of the nursery and my breath hitches a little but I let my hand turn the doorknob, opening the door to a world that was supposed to be our happy place.
The lump in my throat grows when I see the number of toys surrounding the room. My heart feels like it would explode from the pain when I step inside, picking up one of first the soft toys James and I bought during our first shopping spree.
A loud ugly sobs wrecks through me as I bring it up to my heart, realising that I'm never going to have a child who would play with it. I feel his arms around my waist as he rests his head on my shoulder from behind, his lips meeting my neck.
"We're going to be okay," I lie, whispering to myself despite how every bone in my body is screaming at me to stop lying to him, to myself.
He comes to stand in front of me and he tucks my hair behind my ear as he presses a kiss on my forehead. "Don't cry, love. Why are you crying? You're okay, we're okay."
Oh, James! A sob erupts through me as I shake my head at him, tears running down my face as I cup his cheeks, my fingers caressing his skin.
"I'm not crying for myself, I'm crying for you. If I don't survive this, who will look after you, James? We won't get our lifetime. Five years don't make up to it."
His face transforms into the most painful expression as his eyes fill up. He shakes his head, his voice starting to crack. "No, no, no. You're okay."
"No, I'm not. We're not okay. This is not okay."
"You're going to survive this, you will have to." He wraps his arms around me, and I finally feel his walls breaking as our heart starts to shatter together.
His body shakes as he breaks down into my arms. My heart's breaking more for him than it is for myself. I know he loves me, the bond we share, I feel his pain as he feels mine and right now, his hurt is unbearable and my heart is crying for the one it loves, feeling the misery we're bound to share.