The following chapter contains a heavy topic. I want to say that I am not an advocate of self-mutilation. Please take no example of (YN). Don't do it! You are adorable and beautiful. Don't you hurt yourself. It's just a book and it is part of the story. But to hurt yourself is not the answer.
I love you and hope you still do like the new chapter.
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Your POV
The training on Sunday was super funny, Justin and I called every day if we hadn't seen each other for lunch or dinner. It all felt so new, like the first dates, when you have a crush on someone. We got to know each other on new and I couldn't believe that he really wanted to go back to his old life and with it back to me. He was like he used to be, funny, a bit fulish but so lovely. The old Justin, the polite, humble and amazing Justin Bieber. But I was very cautious, careful. Dean will come back tomorrow and thus the seduction for Justin to revisit wild parties and to do things with other women that he currently doesn't get from me. I'm not a prude, and hell yes, I want him more than anyone else, but I can't give him that. Not after what happened. Currently, he acts as if he was okay with it. He didn't harassed me, he is patient and attentive.
I already knew that we unlikely won't see each other this week, this weekend is the charity event and I will have to work very much to get everything done, since Leonardo fired Lisa, I have to take care of her things too. Luckily I had Pedro, who stood by me and I was a big help. But that also means that Dean is back and I have no time to be with Justin, that's a really bad combination.
"When should the guest list be set?" Pedro asked me, sitting in my office at the time, because we worked at the same project.
"By Wednesday, so we still have time to fix the final timetable for the arrivals and to put up the menu for the dinner." I assured him, still starring at my mac book, tipping an Email to Leonardo with the current state of affairs. He trusted me, for whatever reason, and I don't want to disappoint him under any circumstances.
I was still sore from training with Justin and Nick yesterday, and Pedro laughed at me as I strained with a contorted face to pick up the folder from the bottom shelf. I threw him a 'Fuck you'-look what brought him only to laugh even louder at me.
"Did you get laid or what's going on?" Pedro asked, laughing. I looked at him with wide eyes. Did he really just ask that?
"Better!" I said and winked at him while I was looking in the folder for the right form.
"What's better than sex?" He asked in surprise. Of course, for men there is nothing better, but that's the difference between women and men, I guess. Although sex is already one of the most wonderful things in the world, espacial with Justin it was. I miss it.
"I had a dance lessons with one of the best choreographers worldwide." I told him. Pedro didn't look very enthusiastic. Now I had to laugh.
"So you're a dancer." He said shortly. "That explains everything." What does that supposed to mean? I looked at him quizzically, as he pointed his fingers at my body.
"How you move, your posture, your whole attitude." He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Okay, did I just blush? "You were with Justin." Pedro said, less as a question than as a statement quietly. I turned to him. He looked at his phone, of course, the paparazzi pictures again. I can't do anything without being observed here, and certainly not when Justin is around. On the photo was clearly visible, as Justin walked me to my car, with his arms protectively over my back.
"So Justin and you." He said mumbles when he saw the pictures. I looked over his shoulder at the pictures; I was laughing on most of them. Justin was just telling one of his stupid jokes again. And I immediately reminded how much fun we had yesterday. I had to smile when I saw the pictures, but still had to watch Pedro...what did he mean?
"What Justin and I?" I asked Pedro, he looked disappointed, or maybe I imagined it. Maybe I want him to be a little disappointed or even jealous? Honestly, he looks really good. As I was about to go back to work, I saw a headline.
'If you liked this article, you might also like the following: After a dancing lesson with the ex-girlfriend; Justin was seen out for dinner with a hot, mysterious woman.'
Without hesitation, I pushed my index finger on the screen to be able to read more. And it really was Justin, he has met another one after we were together at lunch, and I went home, he went out with another woman. Asshole. And of course, she was super-hot, I don't know maybe it was even Amanda. This also explains why he hasn't called in the evening. He said himself that this is over, all his side-chick stuff would be over. That stings. He plays a game with me. With me, after all we have been through. Luckily nothing has happened between us. No sex, not even a kiss. Yes, and that's why he does that, (YN). Because you give him nothing. I need time. We just meet for a few days, what should I have done; throw myself naked at him on our first date? It's not as if you had never slept with him and you want him...so why play? I don't play, I'm just cautious, after all, he has broken my heart a few months ago. Get finally over it. Okay, this self-talk leads to nothing. Pedro already looks at me strangely.
"Are you okay?" He asked me. "You are suddenly so pale."
"Yes, I've just...we still need to contact the limousine chauffeur." I replied and shook off the actual thoughts and sat back down at my desk. Pedro put his phone back in his pocket but I could feel him staring at me. Why is Justin doing that to me? He knew I would see that. I though we were on the way to get back togehter. I'm so stupid.
"Are you and Justin together again?" Pedro asked hesitantly, my eyes fixed my monitor. "Or you wanna try again?" He added, leaving more space to answer.
"We're just friends." Lie. But I won't tell the truth, because I don't know the truth myself. And maybe Pedro's not such a bad match for me, since Justin is don't it, why shouldn't I also could take a look what else is on the market. And Pedro was obviously interested in me.
"Only friends, aha." His voice sounded suspicious. Can't blame him...it was a lie. "But that he meets other women bothers you."
"What are you now my psychologist or clairvoyant?" I snapped at him. Oops, I didn't meant to. He jerked back and immediately raised his hands in surrender. I cursed under my breath and closed my eyes briefly.
"I'm sorry, I'm a bit tense because of all that stuff." I said softly and looked into his fascinating green-brown eyes. He smiled at me and nodded understandingly. What a charming smile. Who was Justin again?
*********
"You didn't just do that?" I laughed with wide eyes and open mouth, as Pedro had put a full scoop of ice cream into his mouth and thus fought not to spill it out any second.
"Brain Freeze!" He murmured mouth full of chocolate ice-cream, and looked as if he was really in pain. I was sorry, but the sight was just too funny. I laughed with tears as he was suffering under his own idiocy. After work, he invited me. We went for a walk on the pier with our ice cream. And yes, the paparazzi were there the whole time. Shall Justin see that I also can play that game.
"If that wasn't sexy, then I don't know." He laughed and wiped the leftovers from his chin.
"However that was really impressive." I laughed. "You still have some ice on your cheek." I added and pointed my hand to his face. He wiped the wrong cheek. "Wait, I'll do it." I said, hesitantly lifted my hand. He looked me straight in the eyes as I studied his whole face. He was really beautiful. I gently wiped the ice with my thumb from his cheek and then brushed my hand with my handkerchief.
"You have really beautiful eyes." He whispered, and only now I realized how close his face was to mine. Okay, that makes me nervous now.
"No shit." I said and laughed stupidly. He rolled his eyes at my reaction and leaned back a little, away from me. No, stay here. He had a satisfied smirk on his face, and looked out over the water that lay before us. I followed his example and we sat for a while in silence side by side.
"All these photographers. Doesn't it bother you? I know we've talked about it before, but that's mad, or not?" He said without looking at me. At this moment, it doesn't bother me, because they help me to make Justin jealous, at least that's my plan, no matter how childish and immature it is. But this picture of him with another woman doesn't go out of my head. I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine. Is that wrong?
"Sometimes. When they get too close to me. But just like now it is okay, well at least bearable." I said, after all the at least tried to hide in bushes and weren't directly in front of us. "You are aware of that, that you will from now on be adored by thousands of girls' right?" I asked with a grin on my face and looked at him. His puzzled look was so cute.
"Oh due to the photos." He muttered, as he understood that he is traded now as the new, mysterious lover of Justin Bieber's ex-girlfriend and that worldwide. "I think I can deal with that load." He smiled showing his perfectly white teeth. Now I rolled my eyes dismissively.
"Sure you can."
"You've changed in the last days." He detect, looking at me studying my figure.
"What do you mean?"
"The first few weeks, actually months as you started to work at Leo's, you have never smiled, barely talked and were very closed off. You seemed almost depressed, no offense." He said, surprised me. He really seems to be very attentive. I chewed immediately nervously on the inside of my cheek. "I didn't mean to make you nervous by that." Okay, he really studied me.
"The break up was really hard for me." I admitted.
"So hard that you had to hurt yourself to bear the pain." He took me off guard with that, as I automatically touched my forearms, hiding my hands deeper into the sleeves. It would be an understatement if I say that I feel uncomfortable at this moment. No one knows about it, not even Johanna.
*Flashback the first days/weeks after the break up*
How did this happen? What did I do wrong? I'm just not good enough for him, it was a miracle that he was with me for so long anyway. He is Justin Bieber, he can have any woman. Why then be with me right? Wow, I've never felt so worthless, not even when I was with Jason. And let's face it, Jason has treated me like shit. I'm empty, my eyes burn from crying just as my cheeks from all the salty liquid. I still don't know how I got into the apartment of Johanna, I only now that it must been a few days ago. Luckily she hasn't yet found a roommate, so a room was available for me and I had a place to stay. I'm broken, I wonder what even keeps me together. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces as Justin broke up with me. He just broke up with me, how am I supposed to get over that ever? My life without him here in LA or wherever on his Goddamn planet is worthless without him, I feel worthless without him. At least right now, and I don't see that this would change anytime soon.
"I don't wanna be with you anymore." This were the words that replaying in my head without end. I was really in physical pain, I don't know if you know this feeling, but when someone breaks your heart that's like being killed inwardly, I'm really physically hurt. My body is still working somehow but my soul, so me I don't exist anymore. I know how pathetic that sounds, but that is how I feel right now. Within a few minutes I lost everything. Justin has taken everything away from me; himself and all that came with him. Everything is gone. What should I do now? I could have done something about it, I should have sooner realize that he has a problem. I should have helped him. But he didn't let me. Lifeless I lay in the cold bed, in the dark of the almost unfurnished room. I don't think it would hurt if someone would stab me now. It would be more of a relief, a liberation. I don't want to be. Not without him. The big black hole in my chest throbbed and ached more than anything I've ever felt in my life.
He wanted to marry me. What happened? But the worst is the fact that he doesn't love me anymore...no more. And I doubt if he ever really loved me. I doubted everything. Why am I still here? What For? Why do we have so many struggles and challenges endured and survived together if it ends like that? It was all in vain. Useless. For nothing. Me killing Jason, him killing Alexa and Giovanni dead for nothing...And here we go, the tears are back. I miss Giovanni so much. Rolled up into a ball, I tried to keep myself together, afraid of shattering into pieces if I wouldn't hold my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. Shivering, trembling and destroyed, I laid there hoping to finally fall asleep. I want to sleep and never wake up again. It's all my fault.
*****
The days passed, but my condition remained the same, Johanna came several times to my room and just slept next to me. She hugged me, without saying anything, she was just with me. And unfortunately, it wasn't helpful, but painful. I stiffened at every touch, every human body contact was like a shot right into my chest. Because it wasn't Justin. My biggest fear got reality.
"Pumpkin, you have to eat something." Johanna whispered, as she came into my room. I had no idea what time it was, let alone what day. But hunger was the last thing I felt.
"I can't." I said with my voice cracked. This where the first words I have spoken in days. She sat down on my bed and looked at me anxiously. She played with my fingers, my eyes wandered to them when I discovered the rings on my fingers. I froze to death.
"Your cell is buzzing all the time." Johanna said quietly and squeezed my hand lightly. I looked emotionless in her eyes, and I could see the concern and fear in her face.
"Did he call?" I asked, my voice trembling, too big the fear of the answer. She lowered her gaze, as the hole gets bigger in my chest. He did even call to ask if I'm okay, if I found a place to stay. He doesn't care about me at all. She shook her head, with tears in her own eyes. Actually, I was the strength one of the two of us, but I had no energy, I had nothing left.
"Anna, Scooter and his mother. Some unknown numbers." She muttered barely audible. I can't put in words, how much I miss and need Giovanni right know. I know I can't say that, not to Johanna. He would be the only one who could have helped me right now, the only one who could have comfort me. But he is gone, and right now I would do all to be there with him. I let the rings slide of my fingers. The tears ran freely down my cheeks when I put them in her palm. I need the apartment to myself, I need Giovanni. I want to be alone forever. So I asked Jo to get my things out of Justin house and give him my rings and the house keys back. Without speak again she nodded even though she was anxious to have me in my state alone. Not without a reason.
I can't stand this pain. It will never get better. There is too much going on in my life, there is nothing that can fix me again. Nothing. Johanna has left the house, I still have observed her as she took off the parking lot. My knees were weak, my whole body was shaking as I let the water running into the tub next to the shower. I need to switch off perhaps forever.
I didn't have much time until Jo would come back home. Time for what is the question. I did not dare to look in the mirror when I took off my clothes and sat right into the hot tub. I played with the razor blade in my hand, with a stare. Before my inner eye Justin's face, always. How could he do this to me? I never thought that loving someone could hurt so much. So many times I've heard that the physical pain eases the emotional pain. Of course I know it actually better, but I see no other way, strictly speaking, I don't see anything. Everything around me was blurred, I zooned out, my thoughts turned incessantly in my head. Until I suddenly had a blackout.
"What are you doing?" Asked a voice I haven't heard for so long, but however missed so much. I scanned the room to see him, as he sat at once at the end of the tub and looked at me anxiously.
"Giovanni." I mumbled in shock. He's dead, why is he here? Okay, I've lost my mind. I have become apparent CRAZY. He scooted closer to my upper body and grabbed my arms in his hands. Only now I saw the blood ran freely from my forearms into the bath water. "Who was that?" I asked shocked. "Who did this to me?" I felt no pain, I felt nothing. The cuts were not deep, but there were many.
"Sis, you can't do that. You're better than that." Giovanni whispered as his gaze went back to my face. What is he talking about?
"I didn't do that." I protested softly. I could never do that. I could never hurt myself, not like that. Or could I?
"There is no one else here (YN)." He said quietly. "Listen to me, it's not your time to go. I will not allow it, okay. I'm always here, even if not physically." He assured me, and my tears were running again. "I wouldn't allow that someone will ever hurt you."
"Too late." I murmured. Justin already hurt me, more than anyone ever did. "Why didn't you do anything then approved? Why did you let Justin leave me?" I sobbed uncontrollably. His eyes were full of pain and excuses. I knew that he couldn't control such things. But I was hurt and angry. I was angry that he wasn't really there; that he will never really be here again. Because he is dead, and that because he had to protect me back then. It was my fault that he couldn't be with me. I'm worthless, and now I don't even appreciate the fact that I'm still alive thanks to Giovanni. No, what was I doing? Did I just tried to kill myself? No, never...no...did I?
"It's not your fault, (YN). Stop thinking like that." His voice was stronger, his hands press the bleeding wounds on my arms. "It will all be okay. I promise you that all will be fine again." His gaze was intense and he spoke as if he would really know what will happen. And I wanted to believe him. I need to believe him.
"I'm your big brother, and you have to trust me. Okay?" He said quietly but dominant. I just nodded, and cried even more.
"I miss you so much." I whispered, without hesitation he hugged me and pulled me out of the tub at the same time with the hug. This was the first embrace that caused no physical and emotional pain in me. Becuase it wasn't real I guess. He wasn't really here, but I don't want to think about that right now, all I need is him to hold me a bit longer. Wrapped in a large towel, after a soothing embrace I set on the bathtub rim, Giovanni sat in front of me and nursed my wounds.
"I'm always with you." He assured me and kissed my hands one after another. "Be a good girl now and do what I tell you, okay?" He said with a fatherly tone. "Pull yourself together. Life is worth living. Do it for me, do it for all the people who love you. And let me tell you something, Justin loves you and he will always do." Just to hear the name made breathing heavily, but the words which Giovanni whispered in my ear before he left me again helped me in some mysterious way.
"Sis, I love you." Suddenly I stood in front of the mirror alone, no idea how I got here, but my wounds were actually doctored. I stroked the bandage. Of course, I knew that Giovanni was not really here, but I did not know what really happened. Everything what I knew was that I was feeling a bit better, because of him, because of my hallucination or whatever it was what just happened.
Panic came over me when I suddenly heard the front door open. I frantically pulled a sweater out of the closet to hide my arms, as already Johanna stood with suitcases in the apartment hallway. She was there, she was at Justin's, she saw him. Barefoot and bare-legged, but veiled torso I went to her to help her.
"You've taken a bath." She said as she saw my still wet hair. I just nodded and bit my lower lip. "That's good." She said, somehow facilitated. No wonder, today was the first day that I got out of bed since days. Except for brief trips to the toilet of course.
"Should I cook?" I asked softly. Jo looked at me as if I were a ghost, but nodded immediately. It was so hard not to ask about Justin. I knew she was with him a few moments ago. She saw him, talked to him. She smalled him, maybe they even shook hands. Shit! Oh my god, the pain comes back. I have to calm myself, I can do it...for Giovanni. Pull yourself together, (YN)!
*End of Flashback*
"(YN)!" I heard suddenly Pedros voice loud, he shook me by my shoulders, gently but decisive. I shook my head in confusion about what was going on. Our eyes met and he look so worried. "Do you hear me?" He asked in a whisper. I just nodded, still not back in place. Still with my thoughs elsewhere. "You didn't answer for more then 5 minutes. I was about to call the ambulance." He added, letting go of me. I swallowed hard.
"Sorry, I was just..."
"Out of order." He finished for me. Again I nodded. "You have to say anything. I actually wanted to say the fact that you open up again is amazing, even though I'm of the opinion that you are doing it for the wrong reasons." He said, taking me with it out from my terrible memories. I looked questioningly at Pedro. "You're doing it for his sake, and not for you."
"You don't know me." I snapped. "How do you know why I'm doing whatever and for whom?" I said tartly, angry that he dared to talk to me like that. Even if maybe it is partially true, but he doesn't know me, he doesn't know Justin and he will never understand what Justin and I have with each other. No one will ever understand.
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Here you go again. Like I said this chapter is heavy. And it means a lot to me, bc it wasn't easy to write it in the first place. The whole thing with Giovanni. Everyone who read Recovery 1 and 2 know that Giovanni is gone and how important he was and obviously still is for (YN). I don't know if you've ever had experience with the supernatural. Or whether you believe in it. I do and that's why this scene turned out the way it did. I miss Giovanni and I needed him back, at least as a ghost or whatever it was. ;)
I hope you guys like it anyway. If you need someone to talk to: justin94_swaggy (Twitter)
LOVE YOU GUYS! SORRY FOR THE LONG END NOTE!! :)