Maddox is sitting diagonal from me in an arm chair while I'm on the couch. "I don't want either of us to hold back here. Everything is fair game, but only if we both agree to it," I say firmly.
"I think this is something that we need to do if we want to have a relationship." He nods, clasping his hands in front of him.
It's going to be okay, he knows pretty much everything so there won't be any surprises. I guess he didn't have a chance to ask questions when I told him at the diner in Boston. "I agree. Um, you can go first?" I let out a trembling breath, trying to keep my hands from shaking.
"When did you find out about Paige?" He asks gently.
"Dean and I got into an argument the morning after I stayed here for the first time. I can't remember exactly how it started, but he was afraid that I would hurt you. He said the reason you weren't close is because after Paige disappeared, he wasn't there. He's been trying to figure out a way to make it up to you. I didn't know the full story until you told me."
He looks confused, "He said that?"
I nod, leaning back into the throw pillows on the couch. "Dean wants to fix things between you two."
Maddox looks stunned, "I had no idea."
"No offense, but you don't exactly act rationally when Dean's around."
His cheeks grow pink, "I guess I just never realized."
"What happened between you guys?" I ask carefully, and Maddox hesitates.
"I wasn't in a very good place after Paige disappeared as I'm sure you can imagine. I was constantly calling every favor that my family had in the government trying to convince them that it was worth it to do an emergency recovery. Dean and I had our differences growing up, but we were always there for each other. He dropped off the face of the earth for the first six months, and I tried getting ahold of him every day of the first three. When he finally did come around, Dean tried suggesting that I take a break. That it was hurting me more than it was helping me." He looks down at the ground before admitting the next part, "It was my fault. I snapped saying he had no right to even suggest that. I told Dean that he would never understand the way I was feeling because he could never love someone the way I loved Paige."
Knowing Maddox, I can see him doing everything possible to get her back. None of that surprises me, including the way he reacted to Dean's suggestion. What surprises me is that Dean would even suggest giving up.
"I spent a long time being angry at everyone, but I took it out on Dean. Something I never should have done, but it's too late to change the past." Maddox says, taking a deep breath.
"It's not too late to change the future though," I remind him, and his mouth quirks upwards.
"I think you're right." He agrees, and then there's a moment of silence that falls. "How long were you and Noah together?" Maddox looks uncomfortable asking this question, but he has every right to know.
I try not to let the feeling of uneasiness crawl over me, "He was a regular at the bar I work at. He heard me and Jupiter talking one day about needing some extra hours to pay our rent, and offered me a business proposition. It didn't turn into anything more until I actually starting bringing money back from the cons. He trained me with etiquette lessons, dancing lessons, you name it, I probably did it. We were together almost four years. I moved out a few days before the gala where I met Hayes and Seph. I broke it off officially two weeks later. It was the night he hit me. But, if I'm being honest, Noah and I were over long before I met you. I was just too afraid to leave." It's hard admitting, but the whole point of this is to be honest.
Maddox smiles a little wider, "I'm glad that you left. You deserve better than that."
It takes everything in me to keep myself rooted in place instead of kissing him. It's not the right time, even if it is the right place. "Thank you. Do you really not care about what I used to do, or were you just saying that to make me feel better at the diner?"
"I truly don't care. You said that you're done with it, and actions speak louder than words." He twists his hands in his lap, "What is something I don't know about you?"
I bite my lip to hold back a giggle because this is finally something that will make the conversation more upbeat. "I have blonde hair and I usually go by CJ. I'm sure you've heard Jupiter call me it, I'm surprised you've never asked me about it before."
"Wait. What?" Maddox is appalled, and now staring intently at my hair.
My roots have started to show through again, but you'd only notice if you were aware that I dyed my hair. "I'm not quite as blonde as you, it's a few shades darker than yours. I dyed it to make myself a little less recognizable. Blonde stands out more than dark brown. My first name is Cassidy, but when I was little I started going by CJ. Cassidy just sounds more official. "
His jaw drops, and I can't help but giggle because I've completely surprised him. "Do you have any pictures of you blonde?"
"Yeah, just give me a second to find them on my phone." Whatever pictures I do have of me with blonde hair were from five years ago. Another thing that was Noah's idea. I put my foot down when he suggested colored contacts. I find one that is from right when Jupiter and I moved here. It's almost ridiculous how big our smiles are. So innocent, so young.
"My god Cass, you look like a little baby," He teases with a smile on his face. This question was an easy one. Something light to keep the mood from being so somber.
"It was five years ago! Cut me some slack," I laugh as he passes the phone back. "What's your favorite animal?"
He looks confused that it's something I would ask, but tonight isn't just about the big unknown questions. It's also about the little ones that we've bypassed in the way our unorthodox relationship started. "I think it would have to be a koala."
Now I'm confused, "Maddox you've literally never mentioned koala's and now they're your favorite animal?"
"They're furry and... soft," He says uncertain. "I don't know, I don't think I have a favorite animal."
"I definitely had you pegged as a lion lover just because of how macho you act sometimes."
Maddox's head tilts to the side, "Macho?"
I nod assuredly, "Yes. You're in shape and have this sort of commanding presence about you."
"Really?"
"Don't worry though, I find it pretty damn attractive." I say, causing Maddox to chuckle and shake his head at me.
"You are an odd person." He remarks, and I scoff.
"That is a little harsh I think?" I roll my eyes, and remember what I've been meaning to ask. "What's behind the door next to the bathroom?"
All the playfulness in Maddox's eyes vanish. It most definitely has something to do with Paige. He gets up from the couch, "It's easier to show you than to explain."
A part of me wishes I hadn't asked, but I follow him anyway. His hand falters when it's time to twist the door handle, and I feel bad. "You don't have to show me. I'm perfectly fine not knowing," I insist. Yet, Maddox still pushes the door open.
The smell of stale air surrounds me as I take a tentative step in. A tarp crinkles under my feet, and there's enough light coming in from the dimming sky outside for me to see without turning a light on. There is paint everywhere. Brushes in every corner except for the one where all the furniture has been pushed into. There's a thick layer of dust covering everything.
What captures my attention is the mural on one of the walls. It's full of a twisting cherry blossom tree with twisted limbs and delicate flowers. It's not done, but it doesn't take away from the beauty of the piece. There's still a ladder in front of it with a can of paint and dirty brushes. "Maddox, this is incredible," I say as I look over my shoulder for him. He hasn't stepped foot in the room and is hovering outside the doorway. "Are you okay?" I ask gently, noticing the tears in his eyes.
Maddox takes a step backwards before disappearing down the hall. I follow quickly after him, "I'm so sorry. I should never have asked about the room."
He's moving towards the back door that leads to a small outlook, "Don't worry about it. I chose to show you it."
"Wait-" I try to call after him, but instead he shuts the door, leaving me alone in his home.
I sit down on the couch feeling very out of place. He's allowed to need time to think. The room was quite obviously Paige's, and from the looks of it, he hasn't even opened the door in years. I know we said nothing was off limits, but his immediate reaction told me that Maddox hadn't even considered the spare bedroom when he agreed.
He walks past it every day, and I'm sure it looks the exact same as when Paige was last in there. It's almost like a shrine to her.
I wait thirty minutes before I start to get more worried. Should I go out there and check on him? Do I stay in here? This is Paige related so it's uncharted territory.
I pull a throw pillow to my chest and hug it as I get my phone out. I play a few games trying to wait him out because I know he needs to think. I needed time to think after everything with Noah. It's nowhere near the same situation by any means, but he can take all the time he needs.
It's almost a waiting game on when Maddox is going to come back in. If I'd been through what he's been through, I'm sure I would have had the same reaction. That room is probably the closest he's been to her since Paige left.
By the time my eyes grow heavy and are threatening to droop shut, the door clicks open. I sit up and Maddox walks in without saying anything, and refuses to make eye contact with me as I stare at him. I don't even know what to say.
My hands fold in my lap as Maddox sits next to me. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to just leave you in here, that room... was Paige's room. She painted those in there," He motions to the opposite paintings on the wall. "It's been a long time since I've been in there, yet that's no excuse for just up and leaving. I'm sorry," Maddox says softly.
"It's okay. I pushed too far, and I should have known better."
He runs his hands through his hair, "I don't want you to have to censor yourself around me. Ask questions whenever you feel like it. I promise that I'll do my best to be an open book." His blue eyes, so similar to mine, sear right through me. "What do you see when you look at me?"
I take a moment to think, before realizing that this isn't a question I should have to think about the response to. "I see someone who has been hurt so deeply that they're afraid to let someone see the depth of their pain. I see a kind heart with so much love to give." I reach out with my hand to stroke his cheek. Maddox's eyes slowly shut, "I see a good person weighed down by their past, but it only makes them stronger. Someone that I trust with my whole heart."
He takes my hand, and presses his lips to it, "Thank you, Cassidy."
"For what?"
"For seeing me."