Friday
Two weeks have passed since I last wrote in you diary. I saw Paul today we met up for coffee he has told his wife everything. He's also getting help from the Citizen Advice about his finances and he has filled in forms to get government assistance. He said something that will stay with me for a long time.
"Advertisers chase that elusive knowledge that will get people to buy their products, watch their movies,tv programs and read their books. They do focus groups and spend millions in some cases for their products to reach the right people.
Mental illness doesn't care about focus groups, income brackets, social classes or divides or even genders. It only knows to affect you so it becomes your sole focus. And to cripple you so just functioning becomes something you aim for. It can even kill you I read men are committing suicide more than ever".
The suicide rate is steadily rising among men in his age group(he's in his forties) "I will be damned him if I become another statistics because of it," he says to me.
"Truthfully I did want to die when you saw me couple weeks ago but I will not be trying it again, the bastard will not win. Mental illness has the if factor in terms of being able to effect anyone it touches. It's ironic big companies paid to have an effect on people so they buy their products. Mental illness is like a product that can be for anyone. The holy grail of an advising company's remit is to come up with a product everyone wants. Except mental illness is a product no one wants and people would pay you not to have it if they could".
I look at him, "What does your counsellor say?"
"He thinks I need to take it slow and my new found determination to live could be a way of coping. He told me I need to still do my everyday activities and I need to call people up and tell them I can't pay them. Then ask for benefits from the government and look people in the eye when I tell them I'm unemployed. This is the time when I'm most vulnerable and I need to stop trying to be superman.
I need to crawl before learning to walk, walk before learning to run and run/walk before learning to jog. If I start off jogging I'll crash and burn and injure myself. I can't go from wanting to taking my life two weeks ago to now I'm fine it's a recipe for disaster. It took a lot to happen for me to get to a place where suicide was my only thought pattern option. It will take a while before I get well and I need to be willing to go at the right pace".
"He is right you know", I say to Paul "You're going to have to go into a dole office and ask for government money. With the knowledge that you literally have no say over your life right now. Other people decide if you get some money to live on. You're going from a six figure income to if you're lucky a hundred and something pounds a week.
Not everyone there will do it but the way some people will speak to you at the Job Centre may make you feel less than. Having debt collectors chasing you may make you feel less than. Take a breath and listen to your counsellor he's trained how to help you. There's nothing unmanly about recognising your need for help and taking it. You're not less of a man because you ask for it. Let yourself cry if you need to there is nothing wrong with it.
I cry all the time sometimes and if I really need to cry and can't get away to do it. I put a sad film on and cry at the sad parts with people in the room. You know what it's okay because other people are crying too. Sometimes I just hug my husband and he will hold me while I cry. He understands sometimes I just need to cry without explaining why.
Your wife loves you I'm sure and you love her let her help you and be there for you. Rely on your family you scared them they will be thinking they could have lost you. Don't pretend everything is okay around them because they know it's not. If it was you would not have wanted to kill yourself when you have a newborn son to take care of. Use him as your motivation to get better why not start a hobby. Something you enjoy that you can focus on in times of stress.
Write a list of negatives and positives in your life you will find a lot of the negatives with work can become positives. That dream job you want try to make it happen, Paul right now only you can write your future and decide if it's something worth fighting for. Fight to live Paul, fight to live and who knows in a year or two you could be making six figures again. I want to be sitting in a café in ten years from now with you having a coffee".
"Thank you", he says to me, "Please don't think I'm having a go or fishing for information. The thing is I know about your dad I'm glad you got justice. Seeing you so strong gives me hope and make me want to live, if you could go through all of that and come out the other side so can I. I mean what I'm going through isn't as bad as what you went through".
I stop him, "Your pain is just as real and raw as mine. There is no need to compare who has had it worse it's not nice to do that. Pain is pain it doesn't matter what causes it. It still drives us to the brink and please take your depression medication. It won't work if you don't take it please put a reminder on your phone. There's lots of medication apps out there".
We say goodbye and leave the café and I go and see mum. Katie is coming tomorrow and Alex and I have planned actives she can do with mum. When we're in work and things to do with her when we're free.
"Katie's room is looking nice?"
"For the hundredth time yes".
"I don't want her to hate us love".
"I know, I'm sorry for snapping at you".
She puts the kettle on, "Is somethin the matter love?"
I know why she's asking. I decided to take my own advice, "It's fine mum", I then tell her about Paul.
No more secrets and lying about my feelings to my family. Seeing Paul not taking his medication thinking he's fine made me take a step back and examine my mental health a little bit. I still go to counselling diary I know I will be going for a while and we can afford to pay for me to go.
Saturday
We picked Katie up from the airport and get her settled into the mansion then we show her around the village. She kept saving everything is so quaint I hate when Americans say that. I introduce her to mum, Teddy and Becca. She tells us there are couple places she wants to visit while she's in the UK like London and Manchester.
Since her flight was long she just wanted to sleep so we stayed in and watched movies with her. When she woke up Alex made his famous lasagna and I roped Nick into making a pumpkin pie for her.
"Your house is exquisite",
"Thank you Katie", Alex and I say together, "The interior designer did a terrific job", Alex beams at her as he's talking. I could tell he was proud of our input in the designing of our home.
"You're Cassie's sister who lives with them right ?"
"Yes I'm", answers Becca. "You'll be here for my birthday party on Friday".
"I guess I will be", Katie helps herself to more lasagna, "This is really good Alex".
Alex goes bright red, "Thank You".
Friday
Katie has been here for 6 weeks now and she decided to tell us a week before she leaves she doesn't want to give the baby up.
"I got offered a job here it's six figures and the person was nice enough to tell me. That if I have my child here I will be seen as the mother and you can't touch me".
I was livid, "We will sue you for every penny we spent on you".
She had the nerve to smile at me, "Go ahead my boss said you would try that and they're willing to give me the money to pay you off. I just need to go back and get my visa sorted out".
As she was talking I hear Alex calling our solicitor and informing him what's going on. I had started taping the conversation when I realised what was happening.
"Why are you doing this?" I ask her
"You guys clearly got a shit ton of money and I can get child support payments from you guys. I don't want my baby living with people like you anyway".
I had to stop myself from shaking her. "You had no problem having us pay for your flight here, taking you places and spending our money on you. Hell you're sleeping in the house and bed we paid for and eating our food. Guess what it's people like me money that was use to pay for it all". I was talking to her when I see Jamie and Natalie come through the front door.
"What don't have the balls to be violent you need someone else to do your dirty work for you. Tell me Cassie is this the part where it gets violent because that would just strengthen my case with a judge", she sat there looking smug.
"What do you mean by somebody like me?" I ask her.
"Cassie I know about your dear old dad", I look at her like she's crazy. "Clearly people would have told you about it and quite frankly the case is done and I can't see the issue here".
"Really Cassie you can't see the issue here do you think I'm letting my child near perverts".
"So because it's a relationship where one person was abuse in the past by a parent we're perverts. It's funny you never had any issues with my husband and I kissing each other before. What's the real issue here Katie wait let me guess because I was abuse. You think I would do that to my child you sick fuck, I got justice for a reason. There was a change to her stony facial expression. She looked conflicted before she schooled her face back to looking stoney.
Alex hands Katie the phone, "The surrogacy agency head wants to speak to you".
She looked scared. "Yeah right it's the middle of the night over there you're lying there is no way that's true. Jamie hands her another phone, "My nephews liaison at the agency wants to speak with you as well".
"I highly doubt you have either of those people on the phone right now. A man that important wouldn't wait on a phone till I finish speaking to the other".
"You know what darling speak to the liaison first and let the agency head wait. I'm tempted to buy his company and let it go bust".
Katie's eyes widen, "Look around you darling you're playing with the big boys now. If you're going to extort my family darling don't do it when your return flight is being paid for by them. You see this house it was designed by the best people in the country. Don't let the little village life you see here fool you into think you're dealing with idiots.
"Alex and Cassie choose to stay here because of family because they can afford to buy a twenty million pounds property if they so choose. You see they have deep pockets and I'm going to watch as they destroy you and take everything you love away from you. Once you give birth to their child and hand him or her over".
Katie actually laughed at Jamie who ignores her and gives her the phone. She talks to the person from the agency who thought we would be a good match with her on speaker phone. He tore into her for her behaviour then she spoke to the owner of the agency. Who yell at her while telling her how he could lose the business he worked so hard to create.
Then how now he has to return the money Alex and I paid the clinic and she looked on the verge of tears. I had no sympathy for her only moments before she was laughing about taking my child away from me. Then there's the vile things she said to me.
She was sent back home that day and the owner paid for her flight as a courtesy to Alex and I. Amy is being watched by bodyguards from afar to make sure she doesn't try to do anything stupid like abort the child.
We have also arranged for a companion to be with her at all time. She was given a two bedroom apartment for them to share. We would get updates from the bodyguards which her companion knew about but Katie knew nothing about.