When the kitchen wasn't smelling like food and the extractor hood wasn't to be heard, most likely Aurora's hands were busying with something that contained fabrics, needles and a sewing machine. Two of her biggest passions. Food and clothes. Whereas Matteo had taught her how to cook, Giulia had started teaching Aurora how to sew the moment her fine motor skills were developed well enough.
From skirts to shirts, to sweaters and coats- Aurora had sewed and knitted a lot of clothes herself. When she'd had an old shirt she didn't like no more or had simply outworn, she'd cut it up, grab her needles and spool of thread and make something out of it for Benjamin or, if I was unlucky, something for me. And if she didn't have much inspiration, we would visit thrift shops and if she really was desperate, some other cities.
Her taste in clothes had always been interesting. Her Italian roots were seen in her clothes and when we had stayed in Milan, the city of fashion, for a little more than a week, she had been more inspired than ever. Aurora became a walking brand herself. My mother would only have to glance at me once and she'd ask if it was her. It wasn't in a bad way, I just wasn't always used to the expressive clothes she had made for me.
When she had knitted me a sweater for the winter, I wasn't sure if I had seen a sweater with so many colours processed in one piece of clothing before. Honestly or not, at some point when we were married, she wore the strangest things and Benjamin's clothing represented the clothing of the little prince of Cambridge. Even then, she could wear joggers and a hoodie and look as good as whenever she would wear a dress. It was something I loved about Aurora. Never had she cared about somebody else's opinions before. She created what she liked, wore what she liked, and made us boys wear what she thought looked good on us.
I hadn't protested much, knowing her temper would come up and I wouldn't ever win that. My mind took me back to the day where I met my shiny Clarks first.
"No." I shook my head, frowned at the shoes on my feet. "No, seriously. It's a no."
"Sole, yes." Aurora rolled her eyes, then made her eyes look bigger as she brought her face up to mine. "Yes. You look handsome. Remember the grey and beige suit trousers I sewed you? The dark grey turtle neck knit? Oh, bell'uomo. You will look so handsome."
"Aurora, no." I groaned, kicking them off my feet. "It makes me look like I'm rich, I hate that."
"It does not make you look rich. Only well dressed." She'd rolled her eyes again. "Come on, Zev. It's a treasure! Treasure in a thrift shop! They're so cheap, and your size only. It's meant to be."
"Mamma." Benjamin shoved open the curtain from the dressing room. His zipper and button were open and a frown creased his forehead.
I had chuckled, remembered the expression on his six years old face. Aurora furrowed her eyebrows and closed the curtains. "Didn't I teach you how to dress properly?" She cursed in Italian. "There are girls in here! Do you want them to see you with your pants open wide?"
I had stepped inside the small changing room, too. Saw how Benji had been pulling on the fabric that was around his precious parts. "Mamma, it's too tight. It hurts." Aurora laughed, melting the insides of me like snow in the sun whilst spreading her warmth, letting it land onto the earth with a soft force.
"Sorry, amore." She observed him. Socks reaching his knees, beige shorts that reached just above them, with a white, long sleeved button up tucked into it. "Wow. Would you like it if mamma sewed you these in your size?"
Benjamin had given me a panicky look. I had winked at him, mouthing that he really had looked handsome. It had made him feel secure. He turned around in the mirror, admired himself for a moment. "Can you make them in a way that it won't stuff my underwear up my bu-"
"Benjamin Matteo!" Aurora shushed him and pushed me out of the changing room. "Zev, put back on those Clarks and show them to your son."
I think it had been the moment where Benjamin had accepted his Italian roots and admired dressing well as well as eating good food, Aurora's biggest traits and passions. He had gazed at those Clarks in awe and wanted them, too.
When Aurora had paid for those Clarks and found a look- alike pair of shoes for Benjamin, we got Benjamin seated in the car and she had turned her attention to me. "You know the money from this thrift shop goes to the refugee home, yes?" Aurora had kissed my lips. "I visited it not too long ago.. I want to sew clothes for them. Benjamin and you are my mannequins." Her eyes had squinted. "No, but.. are you okay with that?"
I had been worrying about the money. I worked hard. Aurora stayed home for Benjamin. We weren't short of anything, but then still, we had to look out to what we were giving our money to. My mind already spun, thinking about how it would be easier if she were to earn anything from that, so we could save a little more for the Italian lake house. The selfish trait appeared. I had always been afraid of being short of something, the problem having grown increasingly in my childhood.
Aurora saw that. "Zev, they have nothing.. they came here in clothes soaked with salty ocean water. Shivering. Cold. Frozen. Please, let me do something for them. I'll cook them food and bring them clothes. It makes me happy."
Sometimes I had to swallow my selfish trait deep down my throat. With a small nod, I had given her the permission she didn't truly need. If she wanted something, she would have done it anyway.
I knew Aurora sometimes found that trait hard, but so did I. I just couldn't always swallow my pride, because back at home, in our bed, I had started a discussion about it. It wasn't that I didn't want her to do it- those children needed it. But for some reasons, the fact that she wouldn't earn, even if it had been a little, bothered my selfishness. And it had hurt Aurora.
With my shiny Clarks on my feet, a brown Aurora's handmade sweater with vintage flowers sewed onto it wrapping around my upper body, I stood in front of the refugee home. I hadn't been here ever since Aurora had passed, and I wondered if they would recognise me.
My hands shook a little too much, so I stuffed them in the pockets of my coat. I could feel how Salomé glanced at me once or twice, but I tried not to give it much thought. I had simply told her it was the car sickness. A relevant excuse, seeing she had driven us today.
She rummaged in her bag, held up a bag of Haribo's happy cola gummies. They were Benjamin's favourite candy. "For the sugar. Do you want to get back your strength before we enter?" Her eyes glazed with concern.
I ate a gummie for the sake of it. "I'll be fine after this." I chewed slowly, understood why Benjamin liked these so much. "Why do you have gummies in your bag, though?" I chuckled, my curiosity taking over.
Salomé smiled, shrugged a little. "One of the kids I have for play therapy gave me it. I barely eat candy, but thought one so now and then would be sweet. So I put them in my bag." I simply smiled at that.
One moment later, Salomé pressed on the bell. We heard a jolly melody before the creaking sound. "Refugee home and community center New Hope. How may I help you?"
When Salomé had explained what we were here for, we heard a loud click- the door unlocked. We stepped inside and warmth engulfed us like a hug. At least they weren't short of enough warmth in the building.
The entrance was small, and whereas the walls had been the original brick colour as I could remember from my visits here with Aurora, they had now been painted a neat grey. Plants welcomed you to the door that was on the left, and if I remembered clearly, inside of there was the living room as well as the room the community center used to welcome the people. A toilet for visitors was on the right side, as well as a coat rack. Once we had hung up our coats, we figured we'd enter the door on the left. Opening it, we stepped inside the room that was full of children painting, playing, making music. The walls were colorful, several flags of countries hung up on a string that went from the window on the front side, to the back.
It was exactly like I remembered it to be. Except the paintings and drawings, as well as the photos had changed to those that belonged to other children. My eyes fell onto two women walking around the place, helping the children with the paint or with placing their fingers on the right string of the ukulele. I didn't recognise them, figured the old had found new jobs, and new had been given a job here.
A dark girl walked up to us. It had been two years and a little more since I had been here last, but her face seemed familiar to me. Her hair was slicked back, twirled into a neat bun that stood on top of her head. Her smile was bright, pretty. Her clothes were a mix of the English and her own culture. "Hello, my name is Sade.."
I didn't hear the rest. My heart stopped for a moment by hearing her name. A smile grew onto my face by the familiarity. Sade. Oh, how she had grown in those two years. From a girl to a young woman.
"You were looking for Gloria? She has been.." Sade and I made eye contact. Confusion crossed her face for a moment, looking between me and Salomé, but she seemed to push it aside when a big smile grew onto her face. It looked innocent, childlike. She touched my sweater, held the fabric in her hands and started laughing, tears forming in her eyes. "Zev.. Zev.."
"Sade.." I answered, pulling her in a brief hug. She must be eighteen, now. Maybe nineteen. "You've grown so much."
"Your hair is longer, you are skinnier." She mentioned, gazing at the fringe that rested onto my forehead. "The sweater.. oh, it could only be Aurora's." She touched it, smiled widely. She wasn't aware of the situation.
Salomé was confused. Utterly confused. I hadn't mentioned to her that I used to come here almost every week. Sade turned to some other children, started talking french, the language she used to speak in her country back in Africa. "Il est de retour! Zev! Zev Malin!"
I turned my back to Salomé, didn't want to raise questions, even though I knew it was a lost case by now. More children walked up to me. Some I recognised, some I didn't- but those were the new children who were simply curious who this Zev was.
"What's going on?" Salomé whispered. I waved it off, smiling widely when Gloria stepped down the stairs that led to the bedrooms of the children. Gloria smiled brightly, ran over and wrapped her arms around my waist.
"Gloria." I whispered, crouching down to her eye level. "How are you, sweet girl?" I stared at her sweater, wondering why it was familiar to me.
"Good." She showed her little teeth as she smiled. "We eat good food." She turned her attention to Salomé, wrapped her in a big hug as well. Salomé lifted her up and I gazed at her for a while, feeling warm. The warmth she had towards those children, full of traumas, vulnerable personalities, it broke something within me.
Sade took my hand, led me over to a different part of the room. "Zev, why hadn't you and Aurora visited us? We missed you so much, all the kids were mourning your absence. The only thing we were told is that Aurora became sick. Is she at home?"
Tears glazed my eyes, but I tried to blink them away. I shook my head, gave her a smile, but it didn't reach my eyes.
"Aurora is no more?"
I shook my head. Sade bursted out into tears. She took my wrist, brought me over to the wall that held many photos. I saw Sade as a young teenager, with her arms wrapped around Aurora's neck. She wore a sweater Aurora had sewed for her, and only then I realised it was the one Gloria was wearing right now. It made me emotional. Pained me, even. I wanted the world to swallow me up and never spit me back out again.
How could I have been like that, and they had treated me back with only love and warmth. I felt ashamed and looked away.
I had never spoken my thoughts out loud towards them here, but I knew it had hurt Aurora so much, she must of have told anybody about it.
Sade didn't seem to realise. "How is Baby Bee?" She pointed to a photo where she was playing with Benjamin. I smiled sadly at the old nickname.
I couldn't do anything else than shrug.
Sade cried, hugged me tightly. It costed me a lot of effort to keep my emotions in, but with one glance in Salomé's direction, I succeeded. "I'm sorry.." I gulped, wondering if those words had ever, genuinely, left my mouth before. I meant them for everything, but she connected it to one thing.
"No, no." Sade shook her head, held my hands as she looked into my eyes. "No. You are here now. Come, where is Aurora resting. I want to visit her."
"Cemetery of the Catholic Church."
"When did she..?"
"A year and a half back."
Sade let out a deep breath, gazed at the floor. "I'm so sorry we didn't know. We would have visited you and Baby Bee. We would have cooked for you, help you in the house."
We didn't deserve people like Sade. I didn't deserve people like her. What had I given them in all those years? And what were they willing to give back to me? Sade had been traumatised, had seen her little brother and mother drown during their boat trip to Great Britain. Aurora had taught her how to sew, helped her cook different foods from Europe, and now Sade herself worked at the home she grew up in to do the same as Aurora had done. Help those children.
Aurora had been so good at it. Why had I never seen that before? I had restricted her qualities and passion, because of my own selfishness.
I felt nauseous, worse than I had felt in a while. I wanted to close myself off and go home, but Salomé appeared with Gloria in her arms. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah." I answered before Sade could, who understood it wasn't something I liked to talk about. Sade kissed my cheek, showed us Gloria's room and hadn't said one word about it anymore. When we were about to leave, she stuffed something in my hand, her eyes glazed with tears. "Aurora gave this to me when I felt low. I figured.. you could use it now." I opened my hand, a small bracelet with a footstep laid in there. It referred to the poem of footprints in the sand. Aurora's had a few of those, and gave them away to people who needed them.
My head hurt and I couldn't breathe properly by trying to hold back my crying. I pressed a long kiss to Sade's forehead and asked God for forgiveness. Then I opened my eyes and gazed at her. "I hope to visit soon."
Sade smiled brightly, the smile we had seen on Gloria's face all the time, even in sorrow. We waved her goodbye, hugged Gloria one more time and left the room. We walked over to our coats, and when we closed the door behind us, I saw a paper hanging on the door. It said.
'Old clothes you don't wear anymore, pillows you don't use or blankets you don't find pretty anymore? We receive everything with open arms.' I took a deep breath as we stepped inside Salomé's car.
Salomé didn't start the motor. Rather stared at her hands as she seemed to be lost in thoughts. "Zev.. I can't figure you out. I know it's none of my business and maybe it's inappropriate, but.. I feel like there's this.. wall around you that you don't let anyone get in, yet the people who are already in aren't able to get out. You don't want to share things with me, and I respect that, but sometimes.."
I looked at her.
"Sorry." She chuckled. Shrugged. "I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just feel like you're hiding something from me, and maybe on purpose. I'm not trying to offend you or hurt you but.. we do stuff together and I cannot help but think about your wife and feel like I'm doing something that feels so wrong.."
I swallowed, stared down at my hands. "We're not together anymore."
Salomé remained quiet, gazed at me. "I'm so sorry to hear that." I could tell by her pained expression that she meant it. I didn't elaborate further, but maybe it helped the situation. Although, I wasn't sure where she was going with her confession. "How do you know Sade? The house? You stepped inside as if you'd been there a million times before."
Oh. Maybe I wasn't as transparent as I thought I was. "She used to sew clothes for the children. Sade was one of them." I held it short, squeezed the footstep bracelet in the pocket of my coat.
"She seemed to love her."
I didn't answer, and chewed on my cheek.
"Up for scones with jam and clotted cream at the Beany Business café?"
We drove off and not much later I had stuffed my cheeks full with Amanda's pastry.
•
No idea what to say here, other than that my mental state hasn't been so well lately :(. Oh well.
What do you think of Zev's guilty thoughts?
Aurora's personality now you're getting to know her better?
Let me know your thoughts. X