When I wake up to my ringing phone at 6am, I'm not on Harry's chest, and it hits me then that whatever happened last night did not get to the root of our problems. He's on the edge of the bed, his new favourite spot. It's been 3 mornings like this now, so I'm learning to grow used to it. While our conversation solved what appears to be some problems, it feels like there might just be a never ending hole.
The phone continues to ring, and soon enough I'm pulled out of the moment, a clear Charlotte on the screen.
'Sophie, I got myself into a situation.' She announces in panic, failing a simple greeting in typical Charlotte fashion. She sounds way too awake for so early in the morning.
'What? Is everything okay?' I ask, sitting up in the bed.
'I need you to meet me at the Walgreens on Wilshire Boulevard, I've done something very stupid.' She explains, and I start to panic with her.
'Yeah, okay. Why?' I ask frantically, stepping out of bed, careful not to wake Harry. I really wish this wasn't happening right now. Harry was so upset last night, to the point of getting completely wasted. Now I'm going to have to leave him again at a time when I want to stay with him the most.
'It's seriously so awkward, I'd really prefer to tell you in person.' She responds, and I can hear the traffic in the background.
'What do you want me to tell Harry? I can't just leave with no explanation.' I respond, trying to keep my voice low and desperately get given a solution as to what to tell him. I look over to Harry, who is fast asleep, holding a pillow to his chest. My stomach churns at the sight of the pillow, knowing that that used to be me.
'Shit! I forgot you'd be with him. I'm sorry, please don't tell him anything. Just say I need your help and that's it.' She asks. 'Meet me here as soon as you can please.' She adds in, hanging up, and I'm clearly left with no option. I'm not used to a stressed Charlotte, and if someone as confident as her felt too awkward to tell me something over the phone, then this has to be serious. Just as my luck would have it, Harry starts stirring in his sleep.
'Why are you awake?' Harry asks, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
'Charlotte just called and said she needs me. I think I have to go to meet her.' I whisper, feeling more than guilty. I kiss him softly on the cheek, putting on a brave face to mask how bad I feel. I'm definitely downplaying the situation and I hate doing it, especially when we're so fragile.
'You're leaving?' He asks quietly, sounding almost defeated.
'Yeah, I am. Please sleep, I'm sure it won't be long.' I say, trying to reassure both of us.
'Why does she need you?' He asks, eyes fully open now and looking at me desperately. I sit down on the edge of the bed, and start tracing the two swallows peeking out from under the duvet.
'I don't know, she just said she needs me.' I'm repeating what I've already said again because I don't know what else to tell him. My insides twist at the silence in the room, and I can tell he's uncomfortable with what I've said.
'What if I need you?' He asks quietly, after a long pause. I want nothing more than to stay here with him forever but I can't just abandon Charlotte. His words rip my heart into so many pieces that I lose count.
'I'm so sorry Harry.' I whisper not knowing what else to say, brushing down one of his unruly curls. I hate seeing him like this, and I know I'm responsible for it. He was so upset last night, and I feel like it's all my fault. And now I'm doing it again, going off to someone else when he needs me.
'You don't have time for me.' He states, almost sounding like a realisation. His tone is stone cold, but his eyes have so much hopelessness in them. I'm on a clear time crunch to meet Charlotte, but I really can't afford to let us fall apart anymore. It was so stupid to think our conversation last night would solve everything. There's more issues, but I just don't know what they are. Harry never seems to want me at the studio, but right now it feels like the idea of me leaving is torture for him.
'Harry, I always have time for you. Please tell me you know that.' I choke. If anything, it feels like he's the one who doesn't have time for me.
'Just doesn't feel like it.' He whispers, rolling back onto his side so his back is facing away from me. 'It's fine, she needs you. Just go.' It takes all my power to not just call Charlotte back and tell her I have more pressing matters to attend to, but I don't know why she needs me and she sounded desperate. I'm being pulled in two different directions and I know which one I want to go to, but Charlotte needs me right now.
'Tonight, I'm all yours.' I decide, attempting to come up with some sort of solution and trying to make light of the situation. His statement that I never have time for him is the furthest thing from the truth possible, but if that's how he feels, then I'll make it clear that I always have time for him.
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'Sophie! I haven't seen you in ages!' Charlotte says, pulling me in for a hug. The last time I saw her in person, Charlotte's hair was a rose gold, and now it's a brownish red and she's overly cheery considering her panic on the phone with me half an hour. The roads are already fairly busy in L.A, and Harry's habit of looking for paparazzi everywhere we go has now been instilled in me. From what I can see, there's no paparazzi in sight which is a major relief.
'Get to the point, I left Harry for this.' I laugh, accepting her hug. On a surface level, I'm sure Charlotte would take my comment as me just wanting to spend time with Harry, but to me there's a much more vulnerable meaning behind my words.
'Sorry, right. Please do not tell anyone this, not a soul. Not even your lovely boyfriend, nobody can know.' She says, pausing to brace herself for what she has to say next. 'I think I'm pregnant. My period is late, and honestly I haven't been..smart lately.' She whispers, careful that no passerbys hear her admittance.
'You might be pregnant? Who's the dad? Mitch?' I ask, torn between laughing in shock or crying in shock. The last guy she had a thing with, from whom I've been told about, is Mitch.
'No! Definitely not! It's a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks, nothing official yet. His name is Thom.' She admits, cheeks going red.
'Why didn't you tell me about this Thom?' I ask, pulling her through the door to Walgreens.
'You're flat out. You look frazzled every time I FaceTime you, Sophie. I'll tell you all about him after this is over.' She laughs, looking up to read the signs in the store. She's significantly calmed down since our interaction over the phone, and part of me wonders if I'm really essential here. I can't stop thinking about Harry, and I silently wish more than anything that I was with him.
'Sorry, busy.' I say, repeating the same comment to a different person for what feels like the thousandth time. 'Tell me these things, I always have time to hear about your love life. I assume we're here for a pregnancy test?' I feel bad that she noticed how out of it I've been lately, so much so as to not update me on her life.
'We are, yes.' She nods, pulling me down the aisle that I assume has the pregnancy tests. 'Fuck, there are so many people in here. It's before 7, why the hell are so many people in a Walgreens so early in the morning? This is so awkward for me, now it feels like I've got an audience.' She whispers, humoured but seeming to be genuinely panicked.
'I could ask you the same thing. A girl getting a pregnancy test is not particularly exciting for anyone, nobody is looking at us.' I laugh, her grip tightening on my arm the further down we go into the aisle. Eventually, I spot the pink and blue Clearblue box, and pick it up. 'How's this? 5 tests..you'll want to be certain and do a few, and they're digital ones which is probably easier.' I laugh, examining the package.
'You're good at this! You sound kinda expert..oh my god have you had a pregnancy scare with Harry?' She asks, mouth dropping open in some sort of moment of realisation.
'No, I definitely have not. That's what we have the pill for.' I tease, wondering again how she's so calm compared to how she was on the phone. It's lovely to catch up with her and her energy is contagious, but there's somewhere I really need to be right now and it's not here.
'These are $25? This hypothetical child is going to run my account dry.' She gapes, eyes on the little white price tag and ignoring my previous comment.
'Exactly, a child. I think you can afford $25 when you're facing a possible 18 year commitment.' I tease again. I have a very strong feeling that Charlotte is not pregnant, hence why I'm acting so casual and internally slightly annoyed that I have to be here. I'd feel like the worst person in the world if she was pregnant and I showed my annoyance, hence why I'm keeping it in. It's a compliment in itself to be trusted enough for her to want me here anyway, so I can't be that annoyed.
'Maybe so.' She shrugs, walking up to the counter. 'I should tell you though..your comments about Mitch, he and Sarah are together now actually. He is most definitely not the father.' She comments, completely oblivious to the shock on my face.
'Together? Like..dating?' I ask in shock, while she swipes her card.
'Mhm. Don't worry though, I noticed it from a mile away and told Sarah to go for it.' She laughs, smiling at the memory and thanking the cashier. The more I think about it, the more it seems to make sense.
'I was not prepared for any of the news you've shared with me today. Not your possible pregnancy, or Mitch and Sarah dating, but I like the idea of them together.' I reply. Charlotte links her arm through mine, something she often does, walking me out of the store.
'They're super cute. When we're rehearsing he slowly spins to face her more and more. Adam gives him shit for it.' She laughs. 'Oh! And, I totally forgot to tell you. We're performing in New York next month. You promised you'd come to our first show, so I expect you there.' She smiles. I knew Harry's band had started becoming a band in their own right, rehearsing alone and writing their own songs, but I didn't realise a performance would be so soon.
'Wow! I'll be there.' I respond, secretly very unsure if I will be there and slightly regretting my past promise. I don't know what's going to be happening in a month with One Direction. We were in New York two days ago, and we barely had time to even be in New York despite the fact it was scheduled into our calendars. Suddenly, the arm pulling me along the sidewalk stops, right out the front of a public restroom. 'Here?' I ask, realising where she plans to take these tests.
Charlotte goes into the restroom, box in hand. For someone who panics a lot, I'm surprisingly calm right now. Maybe I have a faulty pregnancy radar, but I have a strong feeling Charlotte isn't pregnant. A little girl comes up while I'm waiting, and asks for a photo. She has blond curly hair in two pigtails, and is wearing a pink floral dress. I'm surprised she even knows who I am, but today's youth are well informed obviously.
My thoughts wander back to Harry once the girl leaves and I'm alone. He's probably awake now, in the kitchen drinking a coffee. I'm used to one of his many records playing every morning, but that hasn't happened recently. He's probably looking out of the window in the kitchen to watch the sun rise, and based on how he's been recently, he's likely lost in his own thoughts.
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I end up making it to the studio by 9, carrying the news that Charlotte is not going to be a mother as of yet. She made me promise to not tell anyone about why we were out, and I reluctantly obliged. I've always hated the friends who promise one thing and go against it, but if Harry asks why Charlotte needed me, I'm going to tell him. It goes against my morals, but I think it would be in my best interests to sacrifice my morals right now. Harry has never been good at communicating, and I've learnt that by being more candid with him, he feels safer to be more vulnerable with me.
My first thought is to find Harry as soon as I walk in, and assuming he's in his second home, the isolation booth, I go there in search of him, only to find him missing.
I haven't looked properly at the room he now spends all his time in, so I walk in anyway, examining the room. Now I take it all in, I understand why Harry likes it in here so much. The back wall is panelled in a cream colour wood, with an arched stained glass window, and a tall plant sits in the corner. There's a pendant light hanging from the roof with more stained glass designs to break up the metal, and the other walls are either a dark wood or painted black, making for an interesting contrast. It's serene in here, and I think Harry likes it because of that.
'Um..hi.' Harry stutters, and I turn around quickly to see him opening the door. He looks borderline unwell, and that makes my guilt only grow for leaving him this morning. Along with being permanently tired, he's hungover.
'I'm so so sorry I left you this morning, I promise tonight, I'm all your..' I rush out, before Harry cuts me off.
'You thought you were pregnant and didn't tell me?' He asks, shutting the door so nobody overhears the question. He's not angry or annoyed, but he's upset. This is not what I was expecting, but this is obviously connected to Charlotte. Shit.
'Pregnant?' I stutter, unsure what to respond with. If I was pregnant I think I might just sink under the ground because that is one more thing we don't need on our plate right now. He doesn't reply like I thought he would, instead turning his phone around to reveal what looks to be an article. The page is scrolled to a photo of Charlotte and I in the Walgreens, me holding the pregnancy test, looking very focused on reading the packaging. 'God, this is..oh god.' I mumble, eyes stuck to the screen. I know what the media are like when it comes to pregnancies, and the possibility of Harry becoming a father is going to send the media into a frenzy. Whoever took this must have been having an absolute field day. To make it worse, the secret Charlotte wanted to keep private is now going to be everywhere. At least I'm the one apparently buying the pregnancy tests and not her.
'Are you?' Harry asks, obviously clearly upset now, but there's a tiny hint of hope in his voice and that adds to my guilt, despite it being an unrelated reason to feel guilty. Harry has always loved kids and I already know he'll be the perfect dad one day, so it strangely hurts my heart that I have to tell him I'm not pregnant. 'I think..I know I've been shit lately, but I thought you could tell me something like this.' He mumbles, feet shuffling on the ground.
'I'm..um..not pregnant.' I answer, tearing my eyes off the photo to look at him. He's leaning against the wall, eyes focus on the ground. He lets out a breath he's been holding when I tell him, but his shoulders slightly slump too. 'You're not shit Harry, please don't say that.' I add in. He's a lot of things at the moment, but 'shit' is not one of them.
'So it was for Charlotte?' He asks. Technically, Harry guessed first and I'm not breaking a promise by telling him the truth.
'Yeah, it was.' I admit, moving my eyes to the ground to match him.
'Is she um..is she..' He stutters.
'No, she's not.' I answer, stopping him from finishing the sentence he's struggling to get out.
'You would..you would tell me if you were pregnant, right? Or if you were thinking you might be?' He asks, fidgeting with the rings now back on his fingers.
'Of course I would. You'd be the first person I'd tell.' I answer truthfully. Not only is this an awkward conversation, but talk of us having kids is a lot for me to process right now. We're barely holding it together, both individually and together, and I wasn't ready to talk with him about something that seems so unattainable right now. Nonetheless, no matter what we're going through, Harry is and always will be my comfort, so I find myself crossing the room and walking to him. His arms open like they always do, and then everything feels better. I'm well aware there's a window that shows this whole room and this is not a private moment, but I couldn't care less. I breathe in the smell of the musky vanilla, and I instantly feel okay again. Through every time something bad happens, I only need to be near him to make everything seem much less significant. It must be some sort of classical conditioning type thing, but I don't mind that I'm classically conditioned to Harry's vanilla smell.
'Promise me that this won't ever end.' He breathes. I don't know if he's referring to this specific moment or us in general, but either way, it puts together some of the pieces of my heart.
'I promise.'
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The boys are all asked to stay back late to record parts for one of the songs, so I end up going home to Harry's house once it hits 9 and starts getting dark. For once I have my own car, which makes leaving early easier, but I promised Harry my time tonight would be his, and now that's obviously not going to be happening. As much as he seemed to need it, I needed it more. I've become used to Harry being at the studio late into the night, so an empty house is becoming less and less abnormal. It's sort of sad when I think about it, so I choose to avoid the thoughts.
My mind has been reeling all day from Harry thinking I was pregnant. I read articles while we were at the studio, and it seems that there's only one photo of Charlotte and I, which would suggest this was a photo taken by a customer and not paparazzi. I don't even know which I think is worse. The article titles were slightly offensive, but all things considered, I probably got off light.
Eating all the Subway footlongs and now with a pregnancy test - Harry Styles's girlfriend eating for two?
One Direction Daddies - Harry to join the gang?
From assistant to mother of Harry's child - Sophie's a social climber!
From our daddy to a real daddy, Harry Styles is expecting!
Harry and Sophie to become new parents or is Sophie just packing on the pounds?
Harry never seems to be far from the minds of the employees at Daily Mail and Vanity Fair, so I've become used to articles being posted about him with a special mention of me recently. He doesn't usually even read the articles posted about him unless he's sent them from his manager, so the fact he brought this up with me makes it obvious it meant something to him. I guess that was clear, especially considering how much he adores kids. I know him well enough to know from the tone in his voice alone that he had a tiny bit of hope, and that breaks my heart more. It hurts me deep inside that he'd even consider I'd hide and lie about something so serious and keep it from him, and it only cements my certainty that we're not right..or has he always felt like that but I've only just discovered it now? I don't even know how he came across the article so quickly in the first place.
There was once a time that I'd struggle to comprehend being able to fall asleep without him, but now it almost feels like the norm. Even when we're in the same bed now, it sometimes doesn't really feel like we're together anyway. We used to be so in tune with one another and now he's so distant there's times when he's almost like a stranger. Sometimes it feels so right with us, like last night once I established Niall was just a friend, and other times I struggle to find words to say to him, like this morning.
I end up going to bed early, with nothing else much to do. It takes a while to fall asleep, and I find myself tossing and turning. No matter how much I tell myself I'm getting used to Harry not being here, I'll never fully get used to it. He's always had a thing about being extravagant, and the size of his bed is no exception to that. No matter what I'm wearing or where I lay, a bed so big with nobody else in it is always bound to feel cold.
In my daze to fall asleep, I don't take notice of the passing time, and when I finally get to sleep, it's much later than I realise. I haven't been sleeping well lately, often only half asleep for most of the night anyway. This is the case when I hear a rustling in the closet and my eyes snap open. At this point, I don't know who's in the house and I don't know whether to check the time or check if Harry is beside me or ask who it is. Then, I hear footsteps coming towards me and I realise it's Harry. When you spend so much time with someone you become accustomed to the sound of their footsteps, because I know it's him as soon as I hear them.
'Harry? What time is it?' I mumble. At this point it's still dark, but the chirping birds outside tell me it has to be at least 5 in the morning, no matter how much I don't want to believe it. Too anxious to wait for his response, I reach for my phone as I ask the question, only to discover it is indeed, 5am. 5am and Harry is finally home.
'Just sleep, don't worry about the time.' He says softly, sliding under the covers and pulling me to him. He pulls me to him every night, but I never seem to end up next to him in the morning. For some reason, this response really angers me. He doesn't get to come home at 5am and tell me to go to sleep without any explanation.
'No, Harry. You don't get to do that.' I ask, sitting up in the bed and wriggling out of his grasp. 'Why are you home so late?' I promised him this morning that all my time would be his tonight, and all my time was his, yet it was destroyed again by his work. My phone is never on silent, and I didn't even get so much as a text.
'Please, can we not do this right now.' He pleads with me. I have no idea why I'm suddenly so annoyed, but it really bothers me that it seems like he's hiding something from me. It's one thing to struggle to communicate, but it's another to outright avoid telling me something.
'Can you just talk to me and tell me why you're home so late? This isn't fair on me.' I ask desperately, moving my knees to meet my chest and rubbing my face. I don't think he realises, but it really hurts me that he's so closed off. Does this have something to do with him thinking I was pregnant?
'Do you really want to know?' He asks, sounding almost embarrassed.
'Of course I want to know!' I practically snap, and I swear he winces at my response. It's probably not fair to be so intense on him when he's so tired and just wants to sleep, but I deserve an explanation, don't I?
'I was..I was tired. We finished recording late, and I knew I was too tired to drive, so..I guess..I don't know, I fell asleep in my car.' He admits. At this, my heart sinks. The hot anger that was consuming me instantly dissipates at his words, and I feel like I'm in physical pain now.
'Why didn't..why didn't you call me?' I mumble, my words strikingly soft. Emotionally, I've struggled to be there for Harry recently, but I didn't ever think that I needed to worry about not physically being there for him. Maybe that makes me completely naive and stupid, but Harry needed someone today, and it seems as though he didn't even think to ask me. Maybe they're all connected, and our emotional struggle has resulted in an impact on us in every other way. It makes so much sense now that I've realised it, and it's yet more proof that we're falling apart.
I wait in the silence for an answer, but none comes. He's already asleep by the time I look down beside me. I add it to the ever growing pile of unanswered questions, hopelessly feeling like I'm never going to get my answers.
AUTHORS NOTE:
Hi everyone! I've gotten a lot of comments worried about the future of Sophie and Harry. While I'm not going to give anything away, I've currently got a plot planned out for at least the next 7 chapters, however if you guys would like to read a cute chapter (a memory from the past) then I'm happy to add one in. It's not going to change anything that happens with what's going on now, but if you'd like some relief from the current events I'm happy to add in a cute chapter. What do you think? I can't thank you enough for your continued support on this story, you're all very wonderful xxx