Dard itna tha ki us raat dil-e-wahshi ne
har rag-e-jaan se ulajhna chaha
har bun-e-mu se tapakna chaha
aur kahin dur tere sahn mein goya
patta patta mere afsurda lahu mein dhul kar
husn-e-mahtab se aazurda nazar aane laga
mere virana-e-tan mein goya
sare dukhte hue reshon ki tanaben khul kar
silsila-war pata dene lagin
ruKHsat-e-qafila-e-shauq ki tayyari ka
aur jab yaad ki bujhti hui shamon mein nazar aaya kahin
ek pal akhiri lamha teri dildari ka
dard itna tha ki us se bhi guzarna chaha
hum ne chaha bhi magar dil na thaharna chaha
Faiz Ahmed Faiz
~~~~~
On the midnight of a certain date in the month of March. Amaya lays in the solitary bed. Unknown to her familiar demons engulfs her mind as her eyelids took control to shut her out to propel her in a state of dilemma.
The clock shows 2am sharp. The darkness engulfs the silent night with no sign of moonlight in the sky.
Midnight glory is nowhere to be found perhaps silence of the valley tonight doesn't screams peace like always.
The sudden ringtone of her phone brings Amaya out of her intense reading season. The familiar name pops up on her phone screen and without a delay she accepts the call.
The person on the other side have a quite slurry voice, evidence enough that he is drunk.
"Where are you? Just tell me the location I will be there in minutes?"
Noting down the address she rushed to place without thinking twice. Ignoring her screaming heart, she enters the bar and take him back with her.
Although she doesn't know what had happened but she is certain it must be something bad.
"Will you leave me too?" He asked in his slurry voiced.
He reeked of alcohol, his eyes are blood red, tears and pain evident on those.
A little blood on lips, maybe he got into a fight too.
All in one, he is a complete mess, a mess which Amaya have to pay for.
"You know I can't" She is angry on him, upset with him and maybe in pain too because of all the things he did to her over the last month.
Though he has always been her 11:11 pm wish, she is his 2 AM drunk call. And this reality hit her hard.
But this doesn't mean she will not care for him; she will always do that.
Love make us do crazy things.
"It's not about that you know, like you can do that but."
"But I won't unless you cross the limit"
"What if I do?"
"I don't know then"
Kissing her cheeks, leaving wet sloppy kisses on her neck he made his way to her front button.
"I'm not ready" Amaya stands up abruptly. She is not ready; this doesn't seem right.
"Why? Why not? I'm your husband damn it." He screams again.
Over the past month this had become quite normal for her but today there is a certain fear in her heart. A fear quite unknown.
"You need to understand. You can't force me without my consent."
"I so can. I have the right to do it. Just because I chose to give you time doesn't mean I will wait always. Listen you bitch today you have to give in."
"I won't. I will never give it. And about waiting. When did you wait for me exactly may I know? It's been always me waiting for you."
"Shut up you bitch." A hard slap made her loose balance, the taste of blood filled her mouth.
Her head is buzz as he throws her hard against the wall, blood comes out from the left side of her forehead.
She can see him undoing his pants, she screamed.
"No no no please stop no"
"Shut the fuck up." Making her stand he held her tight by her the elbow.
This is not even her worst nightmare, it's far from it. The person in front of her is not the one she loves; he is someone unknown to her.
The adrenaline rush in her system make her aware of the situation. His lips are on hers but this is not a kiss, it's force and if she loses to it that will be the end.
She will lose herself and he will die the next moment. He is drunk and not in his sense, she has to work first.
Without a thought she kneed him in his groin. He cried out of pain and soon loses consciousness.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh why???"
The next moment she sees herself in the mirror and screamed, it's not her anymore.
At this point Amaya is awake, but her limbs refuse to move, as if someone held her tight, as if someone choked her throat.
She could feel a weight on her chest, her mind screams the same words like that day, her heartbeat raced, her body is still numb whilst a lingering pain.
Finally, a scream left her throat,
"No"
Be-naam dhago se bandh gaya koi
Wo saath bhi nahi aur hum azaad bhi nahi.
And her mind goes back to that night when she ran away from there, the place she used to call home, the very next moment taking her suitcase along in the middle of the night having no idea where to go, what to do next, she just ran, away from everything, everyone.
Away from him, her love.
Even after years of that deadly night, her nightmares come backs on that certain night every year.
No matter how hard one tries to forget the past, a part of it is always left there.
Amaya Kareem survived on her own for years. Someone who was supposed to be her protector tried to harm her in worst possible way.
She had known this for quite long that she was staying in a toxic relationship but she chose to stay there for him, for her love, and that's what love did to her.
Today years later, his voices didn't haunt her anymore but her own screams still does. She begged in front of him even for mere five minutes to spent with her, for love her, then eventually to let her have a drop of water, for everything.
Her trembling fingers goes to her left wrist, a scar is still there, a faint one though, but it's there. "Scars. A sign that you had been hurt. A sign that you had been healed." A scar that takes her back to her past, a past that makes her remember how weak she was, how vulnerable she was, how alone she was even though she had him, her husband. But he never bothered to know.
Two years, he kept her in a marriage even after it ended for two years. He didn't let her go. And it took her a while to get out of there but she did it anyhow.
Maybe the mistake was hers only, she feels too deeply, loved him too deeply. And when he broke her apart, she tried to kill herself too. Another sin she had tried to commit. But now is not the time to think of it.
A night without sleep is not something new to Amaya Kareem but seeing having the same nightmare three years down the line that too on the certain summer midnight is surely something she doesn't want.
And the only one questions that remains in her mind is "why her?". Taking out her diary she started off again where she left, this is chest of secrets.
Maybe that's what happen when you love someone way too much. It harms you at the end, too much.
Some nightmares haunts for long, perhaps this is something Amaya is left with.
◆●◆●◆
Zain Amir always wonder what might have gone wrong in Amaya's married life, until now he came to understand that much about her, if anything Amaya Kareem is a keeper.
What he didn't know is the reason behind everything, maybe that's for good. His morning run today is not much interesting as every day.
Since last month Amaya is having only domestic flights which means he gets enough time with her. She goes at nine and comes back by eight after three rounds of loop to loop. But today is not a such day.
Amaya texted him that she will not be available today, and he let it pass. Even though there's some weird feeling in his heart, he let it go, for him he knows where the boundary lines lie.
◆●◆●◆
Amaya hated running away from something. She has always been someone to face every obstacle and today is high time to end it.
So, a day with herself is what she needed. A day she did nothing but relax. And then now when the sun is near the horizon she is sitting on the beach near the shore, soft waves touches her feet. Her mind travels to a memory lane she hasn't visited for long.
The old dairy pages are yellowish today, folded by the edges, proof that this is something hadn't been gone through since long.
As she opens, her hand trembles, slowly she touches the date written with black ink in a known handwriting, which is not hers. Her dairy is not something she can even open, but today she has to take a step ahead, so it has to be his dairy which had been with her for long.
23-July-2013
I know she is not ready for a marriage. Maya is scared today, for the first time in her nineteen summers, she is not herself. Marriage is a sacred bond. Marriage. A big responsibility, where mistakes are not easy to rectify. But I have to get married today, have to make her mine. So, I did. She is my wife now. She belongs to me now, and no one can change it. I know I forced her to sign those papers, but she loves me and that's what matters for me. I happy now, I have a family for myself now.
He was so happy that day. So happy that he failed to see her tears. Tears of betraying her mother whom she loved more than anything. How would she face her after this? How? But he never bothered.
That was the last entry in his dairy, from that day he never wrote in this. It's always been him, and never her.
With a heavy heart, she throws his diary far from the shore, in the sea of pain. Carefully watching it being absorbed in her arms as if this is what it is waiting for since long.
She saw him leaving, once, but she waited for a little longer, something which she shouldn't have done, 'waiting for someone who will never come'.
He did come back, but way too late.
When he already broke her beyond repair. She knows to live for herself now, knowing that he living with guilt perhaps somewhere in her past, living with their forbidden memories, which were kept buried deep inside forever.
Living in the past is never an option. It's better to move forward. Slowly the memories fade away so as the dairy, so as the scars of the past. And she let herself free today, finally with a smile.
A single thought in her mind, she just needs a distraction. She can never let her past ruin her beautiful present, and for that she needs a good distraction.
Looking at the sky, it's not a void canvas anymore now like the time it was when she came here hours ago. Sun is set near the horizon. At this moment it's tainted with different hues of pink orange red blue purple and a little away from her, stands her way to happiness with cotton candy in his hands, Zain Amir.
"What are you doing here Zain?"
"I will always find a way to you Amu. So, stop running away because if anything, I'm a great chaser."
"I wasn't actually. I just wanted to have some me-time"
"And you had it enough, because now is Our time"
"Zain?"
"Amu, I will always be here, even if you don't want me too."
"Zain I was just going to ask for that cotton candy."
"Oh. it's not for you now."
"Why? Give it to me."
"Well catch me if you can Amu"
With that Zain Amir ran taking all her worries away, chasing behind Amaya Kareem runs too. Whilst taking a second to live the moment a little more.
Under the tainted sky there's her canvas which is not void anymore. She is filling it up with happiness now, she is filling their canvas with hues of happiness now.
She needed a good distraction and Zain gave her that too.
Perhaps her scars of past will soon be gone too.
So...... How's it? Please do let me know.
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How are you guys even dealing with this pandemic?
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Take care of yourself and be happy.