"My body is a cage that keeps me dancing with the one I love, but my mind holds the key" - Arcade Fire, song My body is a cage
When she left I felt like shit. I told myself not to let her run from me, to catch her. But I did just that- I let her run from me. She slipped out of my hands and I didn't do anything about that.
I couldn't sleep that night. My eyes couldn't close. I could only see her. Her smile, her pink hair, fear in her green eyes. Now I knew. Now I knew who caused that fear. I thought when I found her secret out, that I'd let her go. But, I didn't know that something would continue pulling me to her. Why? What is that? Why do I want to be next to her? Why do I want to keep her safe? So many why-s. But no answers.
I continued to question the universe why it brought us together. Why some girl had to come into my life and turn it upside down? Some girl to mess with my feelings. To wake up my feelings. I spent more than three months shutting them down. Just for some girl with pink highlights to wake them up? I only had to look into her green eyes and doubt my whole life. And then all the memories and all emotions I thought I killed just showed up out of nowhere. She just appeared and threw all of my effort to water. Why? I don't think that I would get an answer. Even though I want to know the reason for bringing her into my fucked up life.
I spent the whole night like this. Back and forth with these questions with no answers. My eyes were red because of fatigue, but it's not either the first or the last time. I got up in the dawn and went for a run.
I kept running and running, 'til my legs could take the pain no more. I love feeling pain in my body because I have to feel that the inner pain transforms into physical and I enjoy it. And when my muscles are relaxed and pain is gone I have a feeling like I got rid of it. But it always comes back as an inner one.
When I came back, sweat was dripping down my back, but my anger at the universe wasn't gone.
And I realized I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to see her. I mean I wanted it, but I couldn't afford it.
So, I was at home, smoking, and drinking. At the same time. 'Cuz I didn't care.
Tyler tried to talk to me.
"Bro, you okay?"
"I'm great!", I said high as kite.
"I don't think so. You're high and drunk and that is the worse combination ever." It is, he's right, but I would never admit it.
"You mad at me bro? I didn't mean anything bad, I wanted to get to know her and help you..."
"Drop it, bro", I cut him off. "I don't care what you wanted. It doesn't matter now."
"Why? You dumped her?" Something like that. But he would never understand it.
"I just figured out that I'm better alone. With pot and bottles around myself", I didn't realize I said that out loud. How pathetic.
"Bro, why are you like that? C'mon talk to me!" I can't. I'm too fucked up.
"Just drop it. I wanna be alone with these babies." I point to the bottles of whiskey, pulling them closer to me. Empty bottles.
"Bro, you need to stop doing that, seriously. You do this too often."
"Go fly a kite! Leave me alone!", I snapped. I don't need anyone to tell me that, I thought.
"Okay, man, but I don't want you to overdose. I care for you, bro. Seriously", he said and left. Does he really care for me? I think that no one cares for me in this fucking world. Expect darkness that wants me to be its victim.
And then I called one girl and fucked her just because I could. And that is about me wanted to be alone. Truth to be said, I hated to be alone. Because then darkness could contact me and destroy me. And this time, darkness was in the shape of her. And I did it just to forget her. But I couldn't. I only saw her. Her body, her pink locks, her eyes with fear. Her.
She engraved her claws in my skin and I don't know if I could ever get rid of them. Hope I can forget her. That I can erase everything we have done, everything she said. Her. To erase her. I have to. If I want to keep going. If I don't want to break, I have to.
When I left him I couldn't stop crying. My eyes were puffy from all tears. Red. Bloodshot. And it was all his fault.
No, it was yours, my mind scolds me. You let him come closer to you. You let him put his crawls into your damaged skin and let it bleed. So it's your fault. No one else's.
When I came home, it was empty. I was alone. Even when I was surrounded by people I felt alone. Because I actually am alone. I crawled to my bed and fed my pillow with my tears.
Somehow I fell asleep, but of course, that world of nightmares had to kidnap me. I was always their guest. And they were my host. When I woke up I was dripped in my sweat, breathing heavily and shaking. I cursed under my breath and tried to calm myself. I hate when I have a nightmare because I feel like trapped and can't wake up. I try and try, but I can't. I'm trapped in that world of nightmares and I can't escape it. I can't wake up. I'm trapped.
When I'm finally awake I usually don't know where I am. I feel pain in my body I still see blood in my hands and they're still shaking. I'm still in my nightmare. It always takes a while to come back to reality. But when I come back I'm glad that it was just a bad dream. That I'm safe.
Then I heard a knock at the door. Myles opened it.
"Hey, dinner is ready. Hey, are you okay?" He approached me, worry filling his brown eyes. I nodded, pretending like I hadn't had a nightmare about the only person I had in this world, dying.
"Yeah, I'm. I'm not comin'. I'm really tired."
I didn't lie. This was true. I was tired of this life playing with my body and soul like I'm the puppet. Like it's pulling me to Michael even though I know it is going to break me, but I can't control my moves, 'cuz I'm not in control of my life. Someone else is. And I know who that someone is. The devil himself. He found the victim and he is laughing and enjoying this show- my life, my breaking down, my tearing apart. He is laughing while I'm crying. Well, fuck you, devil! Fuck everyone. I just want to lay and close my eyes which are burning and I can't look anymore and sleep forever. To feel no pain, no sorrow, no sadness, no anger. To feel nothing. But that's not what the devil wants. He wants to destroy me and see the show till the end. He is eager to know who my breaking is going to happen. Well, guess what I'm not eager to know. I just know that I'm not going to make it out alive after breaking down.
"You have to eat, Stella", he frowned. Oh, how protective.
"No, I'm good. Just leave me alone." He put a hand on my forehead to see if I'm sick. "I'm good", I repeated, jerking his hand. He then left a room without any more words, but shaking and bowing his head, still worried.
Then I think I fell asleep again. Crying and breaking down always exhaust me. But I felt something. Someone. The person lay next to me and embraced me. I felt safe. I felt their warm hands on my cold skin. I smelled its scent and pretended it was Michael. His strong hands which I won't feel again. He was comforting me, promised that he wouldn't ever hurt me. Those words I won't hear from him ever again. I let myself imagine and fell asleep, trying to dream about something nice. To dream about him. That will be only a dream I wouldn't want to end. That I would be sad if it was finished. That would be the only dream I want to have. To see him again. To feel him again.
NOTE: GOSH! I prepared this chapter last night, but I was so tired to forget to tap publish! 😂! I hope you understand me.
I hope you don't mind 'cuz of lack of dialog. This chapter was about their feeling and fighting their demons. Stay tuned to see if they are going to win their fights!
Ly! ❤️
Hel