matty and i had said goodnight to each other, but i had the feeling i wouldn't be able to sleep for awhile that night.
there was just too much going on, and even though i was way too anxious to sleep, i was also too exhausted to get up and do anything productive. so i was stuck in limbo, having moved from my bed to the couch downstairs, now covered with my comforter, weighted blanket, and several of my pillows. i tried laying down, i tried sitting up, and i eventually settled into some weird position that was not doing anything good for my spine.
let's sort this mess out, since you're awake. i really didn't want to think, but i couldn't turn it off.
this waiting feels familiar, doesn't it?
maybe it wasn't a coincidence that julie was at the get-together. maybe she was a reminder to open the letter-
"oh-fucking-kay," i said out loud to myself. "i'm not going to think about this. these thoughts are not based on anything rational." i leaned forward and grabbed the remote control from the coffee table, turning on netflix immediately. i selected the first thing that popped up, which was The Office, and felt myself relax back into my blankets. ah, this is sure to numb my mind.
a few minutes went by, and i could feel myself getting closer to falling asleep. but then i realized it was the episode where pam finds out that she is pregnant, and my heart dropped.
i immediately jumped off of the couch, and ran into the downstairs bathroom, kneeling over the toilet just in time to vomit into it. inside my head i heard blaring sirens; clanging bells; high-pitched screaming. the nightmarish memories came back so forcefully that there was nothing i could do to evade them.
hands gripping the side of the bowl, i continued to puke just about everything i had managed to eat in the last few days. what a waste.
shut the fuck up. you did this to me.
no, he did this. we just remembered it.
when my stomach was finally empty, i flushed the toilet and fell back against the wall, sobbing. here i was again, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. roughly the same position i had been in almost 2 years prior.
i pulled my knees against my chest and started rocking myself back and forth, willing myself to calm down.
i knew that calling matty was a bad move, and he and george had enough on their plates. it was pointless to call amanda because she and derek could sleep through a tornado alarm. i was in this alone.
alone, yet again.
getting frustrated, i stood up and leaned forward against the sink. i didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, so i just turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face. that helped me to stop crying. i kept doing it, and drank some of the water to soothe my now aching throat. i was more calm, but i still felt sick.
i knew what i wanted to do, but i didn't want to have to tell anybody about it afterward, so instead i took my clothes off and got into the shower, without waiting for the water to heat up.
i swore until the water was warm, and then i just stood under the shower head until i couldn't feel the heat on my skin anymore. even after all this time, i can still feel him on my skin.
i stayed in the shower for a long time. i wanted to throw up again, but i had nothing left. after awhile i got out slowly, wrapping myself in a towel from the day before, and walked slowly upstairs to my bedroom to find clothes. at this point, the sun was starting to come up. i peeked through my bedroom window, and saw matty parking he and george's car in front of the neighbor's house. i wanted to be with him so badly, i burst into tears. but i was sure he wanted to get some sleep.
i managed to get some clothes on. i couldn't bother with a bra, but i grabbed a baggy shirt and some comfortable shorts. before going back downstairs i looked at myself in the mirror, and sighed.
things have to get better. they just have to.
———————
i awoke abruptly to the sound of my phone ringing and vibrating underneath a pillow. sitting up quickly, i tossed pillows off of the couch one at a time until i found it, almost lost in between two couch cushions. without checking the number, i cleared my throat and answered.
"hello?"
"good afternoon, is this carrie green?" a light female voice asked.
"it is."
"i'm calling with your covid-19 test results. your results were negative."
"oh!" i exclaimed, surprised. "that's great news!"
"it certainly is. are there any questions that i can answer for you?"
"no thank you, that's great. thank you for calling."
"no problem, carrie. have a great day and stay safe."
"you too. thank you again! goodbye."
i hung up the phone, and sat all the way up on the couch. the light in the windows was different, and i couldn't tell what time it was, but i felt rough.
looking at my phone, i saw that it was 12:30, and i had a few missed text messages from matty and amanda.
amanda was just checking in and saying good morning, and asked if i would call her around lunch time. i texted her and let her know i had just woken up, but i would call her as soon as i could.
matty's texts were as follows.
matty: i never went to bed last night. just dropped george off. i don't think you're awake but i just wanted to say hi.
matty: also i think you're cute.
i blushed and ran my fingers through my hair, blinking when i realized it was wet. i then remembered the meltdown i had had in the early hours of the morning, and i sighed to myself. what a disaster.
getting up off the couch, i thought about what to reply to matty. i didn't know if i wanted to be flirty, or play it cool... whatever that meant.
carrie: if a negative test result is cute, then i agree.
i hit send and set my phone down on the kitchen counter. i had no idea if matty would be awake, but i admittedly wanted to see him as soon as possible. i grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, picked my phone up, and walked back upstairs to change and wash my face. i was gonna make myself get ready for the day, even if i felt like absolute shit.
matty texted back as i was getting changed, which i couldn't reply to because my hands were busy, and a few seconds later he called me. i didn't have my shirt on yet, but i answered.
"hi matty."
"hello, carrie," matty replied, sleepless raspiness evident in his voice. "i responded to your text message but you were taking too long to answer."
"i'm getting dressed, and i could've sworn my phone went off just a few short seconds ago. are you feeling impatient this afternoon?"
"actually, i think i am," i heard him clear his throat, "you see, i had a shit morning, and the only thing that will cheer me up is seeing your beautiful face. not to be too forward."
my face immediately flushed red, for the second time that afternoon. "you certainly turned the charm on today, matthew."
"i guess i did..." he said, voice softening again. "but, i really mean it. would you like to sit outside together?"
i knew he was trying to be considerate about my boundaries, and i really appreciated it. but in that moment, so sleep deprived and emotionally spent, i just needed to be around him. he had quickly become one of the greatest sources of encouragement and fun in my life, and now that i knew i wasn't going to secretly infect him with a virus, i wanted to be beside him.
"actually," i said, "i'd love to come to your place. if that's not too forward."
i could hear him shuffling around wherever he was, and then he cleared his throat and said, "i'd love it if you came over! em. i just need to get the place straightened up a bit. can you give me until..." i heard his footsteps in the background, "until 1:15? that should be enough time. and i'll make us some lunch, if you haven't eaten yet."
i smiled and said, "i actually just woke up at 12:30 when the hospital called me. i'm getting dressed now, but i can be at your door at 1:15 sharp."
"right! okay," he replied, a smile on his voice. "i am not going to say anything cheeky. i'll see you then. g'bye, carrie."
i laughed. "bye, matty."
once we had hung up, i realized i was sitting at my desk in a bra. i still hadn't put my shirt on, but in that moment i felt a poem coming to me, so i quickly grabbed a pen and flipped over a random piece of paper so i could get it down.
you didn't leave bruises where anyone could see.
but the inside of my ribcage tells a different story.
the darkest parts of me demolished and gory.
i was a forest and you scorched me.
i set the pen down, and let out the breath i didn't realize i had been holding in. somehow i could feel the presence of the unopened letter, buried underneath layers and layers of books and papers in my desk drawers.
writing the poems always helped in some way. i could make a decent amount of money when i was able to write for long periods of time, but the poems were more so just for me. they provided catharsis, and healing.
whether or not i let anyone read them was another story. i thought about matty, and how much he enjoyed the other artwork of mine that i had shared with him a week ago. maybe i could share this with him eventually, too.
after re-reading the poem a few more times, i left it where it was on my desk, and slid my shirt on. then i went into my bathroom to put on deodorant, fill in my eyebrows, and put some concealer on my under-eyes and random acne spots. i ran a brush through my hair, and then threw it into a half-up half-down style. i looked at myself in my full length mirror, surprised at how confident i was now feeling.
matty had made me feel pretty good about myself, despite the events of this morning, and i was grateful for that. part of me was saying, be on your guard. he keeps bringing up your appearance. don't let him try anything. and another part was saying, you can trust him. please, trust him.
i wasn't sure what to expect when hanging out with matty, but my heart had already decided to trust him.
we had spent enough time getting to know each other in the last few weeks, under these strange ass circumstances, and it was now 1:10pm, so i walked downstairs and stood around near my front door.
sporting my painted vans, a pair of black leggings, and a long-sleeve over-sized shirt, i felt comfortable, and excited to see the inside of the neighbor's house. it was probably silly to be nosy, but the family that lived next door had always been friendly, and it made amanda and i curious in the past.
every now and again we would joke about renting one of the rooms next door if we ever got tired of each other during this pandemic, but we obviously hadn't gone through with it.
suddenly i remembered that i was supposed to call amanda. it was now 1:13, so as i scrolled to her number in my phone, i opened my front door and stepped outside. after a few rings, she picked up, and i was locking the door behind myself.
"hey carrie!" she answered. "is that the front door i hear?"
"it is," i replied, walking on the sidewalk. "it's a long story, but i am actually going to have lunch with matty at the neighbor's place."
"what?" she said, the sound of disbelief in her voice. "wait, just matty? hold on, what's going on?"
i laughed lightly as i was approaching the door, and said, "it's a very, very long story, but i went and got tested for the virus yesterday morning, george got bad news that his girlfriend's father had died, so george got on a flight to be with her and her family at around 4am, and then this afternoon i got my negative test results back, so i'm going to have lunch with matty inside the house now that we know it's safe."
i pulled the phone away from my head for a second to read the time. it was 1:15, on the dot, so i rang the bell.
"i know that's a lot to take in," i said, "but everything is okay. i'm okay. i can call you back in about an hour?"
"well, how about i call you? it might be about two hours. is that okay? i'm glad you're okay. wow- is george alright? that's a mess."
as she was finishing speaking, matty opened the front door. he smiled at me, and gestured to my phone.
"matty would like to say something to you, amanda," i said, handing the phone to him.
"hi amanda," matty said in his sweetest voice. "yes, carrie is coming over for lunch. i've made pasta and salad for the both of us. do you think she'll like it?"
i blushed, again, and he handed me my phone back. "amanda? i'll talk to you later, okay?"
amanda was laughing, and she said, "okay sis. i want to hear all about lunch later. ta-ta!"
she hung up the call, and i looked at matty. "may i?" i asked.
he smiled at me again, and turned his body, holding his hand out to me to welcome me into the house.
"come on in."