"Show me your demons and I might show you mine" - Camila Cabello, song Living Proof
"Because I'll tell you."
I frown. What? He is going to actually tell me? That was easy.
"Yeah?", I ask, my voice filled with excitement, my eyes wide eager to hear his secret.
"Yeah. But in one condition."
"And that is?" Oh, I can already smell something.
"You have to share one secret with me." Guess, maybe it's not that easy. I frown again.
"No way."
"Then, nothing." He shrugs and sits on the bed.
He takes off his black shirt and I literally gasp at his abs. Gosh, stop looking and close your mouth, I scold myself.
"What, you still here? Go, I want to sleep", he groans and lays on the back closing his green eyes.
Do I want to know his secret? Yes. But what am I going to tell him in return? My mom died? My mom killed herself? I was almost raped? I'm broken? The choice is big. No one knows anything. Why would I risk it for some arrogant boy? I won't. No. Then if I tell him, he'll hurt me. But I can hurt him, too. We would share a secret. If he can tell me, why can't I tell him too?
"Still here?", he groans again. I sit on the bed. Come on, you want to know something about this boy. You won't find out alone. My mind keeps nagging at me.
He opens his eyes.
"You won't tell anyone?", I ask, still hesitating. Still scared. He lifts his upper body, moving closer to me and I try so hard not to suck a breath.
"No, sweetheart." He looks at my eyes and I can see he's honest.
"Promise?"
I can see the fear in her eyes. Whatever her secret is, must be bad and painful. Otherwise, she wouldn't act like this.
"Promise." I try to look through her and see her soul. But it's hard. She's all surrounded by walls, like thorns. She's as beautiful as a rose, but if I want to hold her she is going to prick me her with thorns.
She still hesitates and I decide to go first. I sigh before I start a painful memory that haunts me every single day and night.
"My father kicked me out because I don't want to follow his steps. Because I don't want to be fucking lawyer", I admit. I don't feel bad sayin' this. I just feel like I don't have anything left and I'm exposed to her. Before, I had something to hide. Now she knows everything. I'm not full of secrets. I'm full of darkness. "Then he started to insult me and I wanted to piss him off. So I started doing drugs and making parties. He kept insulting me and I kept pissing him off. Then he kicked me out. I hate him", I say with venom.
I can now see his gross face and insults fill my ears. I hate that.
"I used to think I was worthless when he would insult me." I said too much. I can't stop. I want to say everything. Everything I felt. Everything I wanted to tell him. I told Tyler only the reason, not how I felt. But I want to tell her. Why that I don't know. It's like she can understand. Like she won't pity me.
"You're not worthless, Michael", I hear her say. I look at her and I can see comprehension in her eyes. "He's a worthless bastard. Who kicks his son just because he doesn't want to be a fucking lawyer?" She's close and I realize that just now. "And sorry for pulling your leg earlier. I guess I wanted to piss you off, too." I shrug.
She looks so innocent. She's sorry. No one ever said sorry in my life. They all just damaged me. Made me feel like shit. Made me stay awake at night and made my eyelids heavy and my eyes red from tiredness.
"Don't be sorry, baby. I was pulling your leg, too at classes. I wanted to piss you off, too", I smile. What's with me and this girl?
We're breaking each other's walls that we have been making for years. She bows her head. It's her turn. I almost want to say that she doesn't have to tell me anything because I can see the fear and pain she has been through. But I want to know. I want to know her secret so bad.
I lift her chin, forcing her eyes filled with fear to look at me. "I won't judge you, sweetheart. You can tell me." I nod and move closer to her. If there's any closer.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know why's this so hard. Why can't I just say it? Like he did. I sigh. I chose the easiest one to tell.
"I was almost raped." I look at him and I can see... comprehension. He embraces me and I put my head on his shoulder.
"Shh, baby, it's over", he comforts me and I didn't realize I was crying.
I fondle her hair as she sobs. Now I understand why she was scared. Why she told me to stop. Why she had a nightmare.
"It's okay. He's not here." I look into her eyes. "I'm not him and I won't hurt you. I promise."
"Promise me", she sobs, "you won't tell anyone. Especially Christopher." Who's Christopher? Oh, probably one of the twins.
"Why him?"
Ups, why I mentioned him? Stupid, stupid, Stella.
"Not anyone." I wipe off my tears. I hate them. I hate emotions. I don't know why I told him. Now he's going to look at me as a fragile person. A broken one. But, you are broken, Stella, my mind adds. Yes, I know. I know, thanks for reminding me.
"Are you with him?", he hisses. Now, what do I tell him?
"I'm not bonded with anyone", I blurt.
"Are you with him? ", he raises his voice.
"I am!", I snap. I immediately regret saying it. "Just because you told me your secret you can't tell me with whom I can be." He looks at me with both surprise and anger. I stand up. But then he takes my hand and pulls me to his bare chest. I can feel his toxic scent. The one I can get lost in. My nose almost touches his chest, his bare skin, 'cuz he's taller than me.
"I don't mean to. You can be with whom you want", he says and I'm surprised. I didn't think he would say this.
What the hell you thought? That he wants to be with you? No one wants to be with you. He now realized how broken you are and he doesn't want to spend time with such a broken person.
Yes, you are right. You are always right, my demons. Always.
I want to be with her. But I can't. She revealed my secret, I revealed hers. It's enough. I wanted to solve her mystery. And I did. I promised myself to let her go after that. So I'm letting her go. She has already engraved her nails on me, I can't let her go any deeper. I can't be in a relationship. I can't be with her. She makes me feel things. And I promised myself no emotions. With her, that's impossible. So, it's better to let her leave me. Or to just leave her.
"Go now, but remember not to tell anyone. I'll keep your secret, be sure to keep mine, too." I go back to my bad self. I'm nothing without it. I'm nothing without my secret. And now she knows it.
I wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me. But I guess, this is better. My demons confirmed that too. I can't be with him. He would reveal more of my secrets and I can't let that happen. Plus, he makes me feel. And I agreed not to. I agreed on no relationship. I can't fail that. I hate that he wants me to go, but it's the best. For the both of us.
I take a last look at him and go out. I close the door and I feel his body pressed against it, from the opposite side. I put my hand on the door and close my eyes, sighing. Time to go, Stella.
When I go down the stairs I see Tyler.
"I'm going now. It was nice to see you." My voice is raspy from crying. Thank God, I have my waterproof mascara. I broke again. How many times? Every day's the same. Ending up cryin'.
"That's quick! Okay, then, but make sure to come again. Then we can take a ride, hope my car will work then", he laughs.
"Yeah, okay. Bye!" I scurry from the house. For the second time today, I let my tears come down my face.
Fine, I found out his secret. He found out mine. But now, we're back to being strangers. If I knew that he would let me go, I wouldn't tell him. Because then, I would be around him, a little more. He was curious to know my secret. And if I hadn't told him, he would have been around me until he exposed it. And I would love that. I love him next to me. I love seeing him, trying to discover more about him. But, looks like this was too much for him. A girl who almost experienced being rape. Too much for an attorney's kid. His secret wasn't that bad. It wasn't fucked up as mine. His father may forgive him, but...
But maybe, this is the best. Yes, it is. I should have known to stay away from him. I should have.