after our picnic on the lawn, matty and i seemed to be on the same wavelength.
a few more days had passed, full of deep conversations as well as light ones, and we were finally in july. matty, george, and i were getting closer as friends, and i was finally starting to feel okay with the idea of trusting them. it was coming easier to me, and i loved it. they were so funny, and matty had apparently told ross and adam about me, unbeknownst to me, and things were going great. i got to hear about the music they were working on from a distance; they had recently started sending voice memos/recordings back and forth to each other as matty was starting to feel better, and getting his "groove" back.
we even started making plans to have dinner together at their house, and i decided i would go get tested beforehand, just to be safe.
matty was very supportive, and george kept telling me a bunch of jokes to try to help me not feel nervous about it. i wasn't nervous about the test itself, or really even the results. but i had this weird feeling of dread the day i was going to get the test done.
"i'll see you when i get back," i told matty. it was about 10 am and i was leaving for my 10:30 appointment.
"also, i know this may be nothing, but i have a weird feeling about today. will you call me if anything happens?"
matty tilted his head at me, curls bouncing, and nodded in understanding. then he bumped my shoulder with his, which had become our way of saying hello or goodbye. "i will call you if your premonition comes true, yes."
i smiled at him and got into my car. as i backed out of the driveway, i looked over at the neighbor's house, where george was still sleeping. i brushed off the weird feelings, and waved at matty through my window as i drove away.
he looked so cute standing in my driveway, waving like a little kid in his plain white t-shirt, and my stomach filled with butterflies.
too bad they can't give me a cure for having feelings, i thought sarcastically.
———————
in a short amount of time the test was done; it went by with no problems and i was told they would get back to me within the next two days with the results. i had just taken my mask off as i was getting into my car, when my phone started ringing. it was matty.
"hello?" i answered, pulling my door shut.
"hey," he replied, voice heavy, "are you on your way back?"
"i just got into my car. is everything alright?"
he paused. "well, remember your premonition?"
"yes," i said, worry building in my chest.
"basically, george's girlfriend called. her name's marie. she's wonderful. em," i could hear him sigh in hesitation, and i prepared for heavy words. he sighed and said, "her father just passed away from covid."
i felt immediately awful for this person that i didn't know, and panicked chills racked up and down my body in response to the news.
i leaned my head down onto my steering wheel while we talked more about some of the details, and how marie and her mother were doing. then i could hear george call out to matty in the background of our phone call. i told him to go talk to him, and that we could talk when i got home.
we said goodbye, and i pulled out of the parking lot feeling weighed down, but determined more than anything to support my friends in whatever way that i could.
———————
we sat in the front yard talking for awhile.
george had cried a few times, as he was quite close with marie's dad, and obviously in his love for her, he was mourning right along with her.
when matty and i had hung up the phone, as they summarized for me, they had had a conversation about what george was going to do next.
he didn't want to leave matty, because even though he was doing better, he still felt responsible for his well-being. but matty told george to go.
"at first i thought i wasn't gonna be able to get back to manchester," george was saying, "but i can. because it's for a funeral it's technically essential travel, but i will have to quarantine myself for two weeks. same when i come back here. but i'm not sure how long i'm going to stay with marie and her family. there's a spare room that i'll be able to stay in, but we can't even have a proper funeral for him. so i'll be there, but not really," he started crying again and matty comforted him, putting his arm around his shoulders. "it's just so scary how quickly this happened. none of us even knew he wasn't feeling well, and by then it was too late. and now i can't be there for them the way they deserve."
"mate, you're doing everything you can," matty said gently. "all you can do is be there the best you can, and support her. there's no way to avoid how fucked up this all is," he finished, sniffling.
it was hard for me to see both of them that way, and not be able to hug them. i was sitting with my knees pressed against my chest, and my arms wrapped around them. we had a few more moments in silence, and then matty and i cried with george.
as we were sitting outside in the shade, a few neighborhood kids were passing by on the sidewalk, and i smiled up at them. they were about 8 or 9, two boys, and they asked if we were okay, which warmed my heart. i spoke up and simply said that our friend was going through a tough time, and we were just being there for him. kids in our neighborhood regularly started conversations with amanda and i, so i wasn't bothered in the slightest.
it turned into a short conversation about friendship. they were really goofy kids, with a lot of energy, and it cheered the three of us up in no time just to be around them.
after a few minutes they ended up saying, "i hope you feel better soon," to george, and he thanked them as they rolled away on their scooters.
when they were gone we each chuckled to ourselves. kids are really great sometimes.
after we had all processed and talked through things some more, george let us know that he was set to leave at 4am. matty was of course going to drive him, and i wanted to offer to ride with them, but i knew it was too sensitive and risky until i got my test results back. i even started to feel guilty about how close i was sitting to matty on the picnic blanket the other day. i should've been more careful. i won't be so careless now.
matty and george went into the house, but i stayed outside a little while longer, and then started walking to the pond. the day had been both good and bad, and i needed the time alone with my thoughts and feelings.
as i made my way down the short path, i thought about george, and how he must feel having to watch his girlfriend go through this. i thought about matty, and how much he loves george, and hates to see him hurting.
i knew he struggled with feeling guilt for all the times george had forgiven him when he lied straight to his face when he relapsed, or lashed out while going through withdrawals. i could see the sadness in his eyes when he talked about george having to leave. they hated being away from each other, and this was going to be hard on them.
but they had me. i wasn't much, not at all, but i was there.
matty texted me a few times while i was sitting quietly at the pond, and we chatted lightly about what the next two days were going to look like. we both agreed we had been a little too casual on our picnic, and we weren't going to do that again unless my test results came back negative. even though neither of us were in the demographic of people who needed to be hospitalized because of the virus, we still wanted to look out for each other. what if one of us had it, and then had to go home to our families for some reason? we were likely to be asymptomatic carriers. what if what had happened to marie's father happened to someone in our own families? we were both filled with new resolve to be responsible.
in between texting, i had walked home, and gone upstairs to finally start cleaning my disaster of a bedroom. i put a playlist on shuffle, and got to work, answering matty intermittently.
as the day was winding down and dinner time rolled around, matty called me and asked if we could all sit outside in the backyard again, as it would make george feel better to have friends around, even if one of them was separated from him by a fence.
during dinner, we chatted, but there was a dark cloud hanging over our conversations as we all continued to feel the weight of what was coming for george.
i didn't know exactly what was coming in the next few days, but i was saying silent prayers in the hopes that these guys would be safe.
———————
(matty)
i wish it was happening to me instead.
i wish i could take away all the pain and burden he was feeling, and transfer it to myself, so he wouldn't have to carry it anymore.
being around me and carrie helped him, but he didn't think i could really see how much the stress was bogging him down. after dealing with all my shit, he really deserved a break, but then more weight came. i had never been worried about george becoming unreachable, but i knew this time was going to be a struggle for him.
ross and adam felt just as helpless as me. george was our little brother, and we hated to see him feel like this.
i watched as george's chest rose and fell with his breathing. he had fallen asleep on the living room couch, after we had finished packing up his bags and talking some more.
i covered him with a soft, blue blanket, and then went upstairs to my bedroom. i sat on my bed with my guitar and started strumming lightly.
carrie and i had already said goodnight, but i couldn't sleep.
i was worried about her test results. i was worried about her being by herself. she wasn't asking me to take care of her, but i was starting to feel a similar responsibility for her as i felt for george. it was happening so fast, and i didn't know how to make it slow down.
i didn't know if i wanted it to slow down.
she made me feel comfortable.
she was a fan of my band, but when she first found out who we were, she immediately backed off. she was of course adhering to "social distancing" rules, but it was more than that. it was as if she thought we had an immediate negative opinion of her. we hadn't talked about it much, but i gathered that she didn't want to come off in a way that communicated she only wanted to speak to us because of what we did for a living, and not for who we are. she would randomly close herself off in conversations, but that was contrasted by the moments that she was so 100% genuine and open.
she flawlessly transitioned into being absolute sunshine, and i wanted to get to know her more.
she was a breath of fresh air after what george and i had just been through together. even in my ugliest moments she was still there. her forgiveness made me feel like she could see what i was trying to be, and she was waiting patiently. i didn't know how to take it, how to accept it.
lost in my thoughts, the time went by.
soon, it was 3am, and i had to wake up george so we could make our way to the airport early. getting in and out of there was going to be a mess, but i wasn't gonna let george feel my stress.
i sighed, stood up from my bed, and slid a pair of jeans on. i grabbed a light hoodie and headed downstairs, to wake the gentle giant on the couch.