(matty)
"ah, fuck's sake," i said to george as our car finally came into view.
we had been wandering around the trails for hours trying to get back to our vehicle. now that we were no longer lost, and finally walking up to the car, i could feel my anxious heartbeat start to slow.
i really did agree with george when he said we should go for a hike today. i really thought it was a good idea. but now? now i felt like an idiot. an exhausted, sweaty idiot, who couldn't think of a single silver lining in that particular moment.
maybe the one good thing that came out of this day was that because i couldn't use my phone, i couldn't act on any thought of wanting to try and call carrie today. hopefully she feels all the more respected... but i was almost desperately hopeful that she would be ready to talk again once i could use my phone.
i wonder if she tried to ring me? or if she's waiting for me to ring her?
bollocks, i sound like a child.
"i'll drive," george said, wiping sweat from his brow.
"that's okay george," i said, holding my hand out for him to give me the keys. "please let me. you drove us all the way out here. it's the least i could do."
he hesitated for a moment, but the thought of being able to rest his mind and legs in the car was too tempting, and he nodded as he handed me the keys, making his way to the passenger side.
it was going to be a long drive back, but i was looking forward to being behind the wheel. being able to concentrate on the road was going to be the perfect thing to occupy my frail mind for a few hours.
we sat down in the car, cringing at the hot air blasting through the vents, and then letting out a sigh of relief as the aircon kicked in. we gave each other a silent look, and then i cracked a smile at him.
"you know you're my best friend, right george?" i said, patting his arm.
"i bloody well better be," he replied, and we laughed together.
i started the car, and we made our way out of the car-park, and away from the hiking trails that stole so many hours of the day from us.
i just wanted to get us some water, and get back to the house as quick as possible.
———————
(carrie)
i was gnashing my teeth together under my mask, counting the seconds until the conversation was over. i felt ambushed, cornered, and powerless.
i knew i had every right to just walk away. but when you run into someone who wasn't supposed to be at dinner, wasn't supposed to even be in town, and you're paralyzed by their very presence, what can you do? i was running out of patience, and i was very close to snapping.
"so anyway," julie said, "how have you been dealing with everything?"
i cleared my throat, trying to force myself to be polite so as not to disrupt the cook-out, and replied,
"just about as well as anyone else, i suppose. amanda is great. made some new friends. just trying to be responsible and do whatever i can to slow the spread."
"wow!" she said with a high-pitched sort of laugh. "it sounds so heroic when you say it like that. i've had the worst time trying to keep up with my hair and nails from home. i really do wonder what nate would've thought about all of this-"
"hey carrie," amanda interrupted, putting her body between us as she had just realized who had been speaking to me alone for the last 10 minutes. "could i borrow you? sorry to interrupt, julie." even with a mask on, amanda's eyes were powerful and intimidating, and all julie could do was silently nod in response.
as we walked away, amanda said to me in a hushed voice, "i am so, so sorry. i don't have any excuse for not knowing she was here. it's my own cookout. i'm gonna have to talk to derek about this-"
"really, you jumping in and getting me away from her is the best thing i could've asked for, so thank you. you're a legend. please don't feel bad," i gently squeezed her arm as i spoke. "you didn't know, and unless derek knows absolutely everything, then there's really no way he could've known either. he's just being polite. so really it's going to be okay."
"okay," she said, walking me to my car. "will you call me when you get back to the house?"
i nodded and she pulled me in for a small hug. she told me she would tell derek that i said goodbye, i thanked her again for preparing such amazing food, and then i was in my car. i quickly took off my mask, wiping away the sweat that had gathered on the lower half of my face.
i pulled out of my parking spot, unable to force myself to wave at anybody, lest i run the risk of making eye contact with julie. then i was on my way home.
once i got back onto the freeway, the negative thoughts started.
fuck. he's never going to stop haunting me.
everything was going so well. i got to hear encouraging stories from so many new people dealing with the pandemic in their own lives, and then julie showed up, and brought me right back into a nightmare. immediately i was the frail, broken girl i had been in 2018.
the anxiety was suffocating me; overwhelming me, so i rolled down the windows and decided i would just blast music in the car until i got home. i would get alone, get comfortable, and-
and then what? the darker thoughts butted in. what is waiting for you there? you know there's only one way to escape the way you're feeling. it's been too long.
amanda won't be there to interrupt. matty and george can't stop you. you're alone.
with tears streaming down my face, i pressed down on the gas, just trying to get home. to combat the over-powering thoughts, i started to make a plan in my head.
usually when i got like this, i would completely fall apart. but i had come too far to let that happen again. if i had to i would take melatonin to get to sleep and stop this cycling. i would run myself a bubble bath. i would light candles, or paint, or play the piano, or see if matty and george were home. i had to interrupt the darkness with anything and everything. it was the only way to break the cycle and fight back.
———————
after what felt like a much longer drive than 45 minutes, i was finally on my street. i had gotten control over my emotions and was no longer on the verge of another panic-attack.
as i got closer to the house, i was trying to manage my overly-hopeful expectations to see matty today. i was trying to remind myself to be realistic, and not expect him to feel the same desire, or desperation i felt to talk and be close with him.
but as i was pulling up to my house, i could only be confused by what i saw.
it appeared that matty and george were home, yes, but also, that matty was sitting on some kind of blanket in between our front yards, with what appeared to be several boxes and bags of snacks.
he turned to look at my car right as i was pulling into the driveway, and my heart thudded as he smiled at me. in my peripheral i could see him put out his cigarette and stand up, walking toward my house. i parked, and couldn't stop myself from smiling and shaking my head. i let out a sigh, nervous as hell, and stepped out of the car.
"hello, lovely," he called over to me. he was keeping a good distance, i assumed to make me comfortable, and i felt a weight lift off my chest. am i dreaming? he's really standing there, wearing acid wash blue jean overalls. what is going on?
"hi there yourself," i replied, blushing and taking a step toward him. "what's all this in the yard?" i gestured to the set-up behind him, then shyly tucked my hands into my back pockets.
"well, i wanted to give you space, but not too much space," he said, crossing his hands behind his back. "george and i had a bit of an adventure today, and i wanted to hear about your day as well, since neither of us could seem to use our phones."
i nodded at him, "mine died. i tried to call you twice today, actually."
"ah," he said, "well, can we talk about it over some snacks?"
he gave another cheeky smile, and i couldn't resist.
i nodded and walked with him over to the blanket, and started laughing once i recognized the pattern. the blanket had a huge Buccee the Beaver head in the center, and every snack was from Buccee's.
i knew sitting in such close proximity was probably risky, but he and george had been quarantining, and so had i, and the only person i'd had physical contact with in the last several months was amanda, and she and derek definitely didn't have the virus, so i felt okay. i let the fear wash over me and pass as i was calmed just by being with matty.
as we sat down, i asked him, "was today's adventure you and george discovering the magic of Buccee's?"
"a happy accident!" he said, picking up a package of beaver nuggets. "these are alright, but we quite enjoyed the desserts. em, we actually went out driving to do some hiking today."
"oh, wow," i said, raising my eyebrows at him, and accepting the food he passed to me. "how did that go?"
"well... we don't really know where we are, do we? it was just like, 'okay, let's drive 3 hours away and see how this goes', and uh, several hours later we are very sunburnt and sore."
"that texas sun will do it to you," i replied as i reached for a bag of glazed pecans. "was hiking the reason my phone calls weren't going through?"
"that'll be it. we were lost for ages," he said, rolling his eyes. i laughed, and then he continued, "basically, i wanted to tell you we were going, but george told me to leave you alone, but then i didn't know if you were going to text me or if i should just message you and be okay with it if you ignored me, but i didn't get to make a decision because we were lost in the wilderness all day getting bug bites on our arses. and then when we happened upon Buccee's i just had to get one of everything. i wanted to share it all with you."
i cracked up laughing, feeling the warmth of his personality, so grateful to be spending time with him face-to-face like this. it was such a 180 from the day before, and it now felt almost as if it had never happened. i felt safe with him, which was wild, and we weren't technically alone together (ever-present nosy neighbors kept peeking over at us every now and again) so i didn't feel threatened at all. i really appreciated the thought he had put into this.
"amanda was totally right. and i'm glad you guys are okay," i said, clearing my throat. as i did this, matty reached around me to grab a water bottle, and i froze. not out of fear, but of an embarrassing amount of excitement. i couldn't ignore how close he was, and i think he noticed as well. he paused for a moment, blinking a few times, and then sat back in his former position. he offered the water bottle to me and i just nodded, pretending i wasn't blushing.
we let a few moments of silence go by, and then matty asked,
"so, how was your day?"
"it was alright," i said, slowly allowing myself to think about the troubles of my night. "i was actually at amanda's boyfriend's apartment complex for a cookout."
"what was that like?"
"it was really great to be around people. i usually get really anxious, but once i was settled in, everyone was really nice and i wasn't overwhelmed at all. then this girl named julie showed up, amanda rescued me from a conversation with her, and then i came straight home," i sighed. then i said, "i can't even express to you how sweet this gesture is, matty, especially with how i thought my night was going to turn out." i really wanted to reach out and touch his arm to express my gratitude, but i knew i needed to play it safe. for the sake of germs, and for the sake of my sanity.
he was furrowing his eyebrows, thinking. then he nodded and said, "so i take it julie is not a friend."
i sighed again. "she used to be a friend of a friend. she really doesn't hang out with any of derek's group anymore, so it was a little shocking to see her there."
"why did amanda need to like, protect you from her?"
i hesitated, trying to feel out if i was in a stable enough mood to even slightly breach this topic of conversation with him, and then i remembered i brought her up in the first place.
"julie is... a bad reminder, i think." i was trying to measure my words carefully, and matty sat quietly, waiting for me to go on. "she was friends with someone who hurt me. and i don't think she ever really knew the whole truth, so i suppose i can't blame her for her ignorance. but she's also just really annoying on top if it all."
matty chuckled softly. "so, how did you think your night was going to turn out?"
i looked up at him, momentarily forgetting that i had indeed said those words. i wasn't sure where all of this honesty was coming from on my part, but he was hanging onto every word.
"uh," i said, "how ready are you for me to be completely open with you?"
he smiled at me, and said, "carrie, i'm beyond ready."
i smiled back at him, and let out a deep breath. i scooted a little closer to him, as it was getting darker outside and i wanted to feel the security of his nearness as i allowed myself to open up more. i had been trying to protect myself for so long, in so many other friendships, by turning myself into a closed door, and my heart was finally fighting back. i wanted to be understood, and seen. i wanted to be vulnerable with him, as he had been with me.
i had a feeling i wouldn't be met with judgement from matty.
"well, figuring i would be alone tonight, i had every intention of hurting myself."
he tilted his head at me, a flash of what i perceived as a small amount of panic and concern in his eyes passing as i finished speaking, and then he looked at me fully.
"how are you feeling now?"
i bit my lip as i thought. "i'm feeling much better. i was so surprised when i saw you sitting here, on this massive beaver picnic blanket."
he started laughing, and then, realizing what i had said, i covered my face, which only made him laugh more.
"oops," was all i could get out in between the giggles.