Warning(s):
Warning(s):
Explicit language
Violence
Substance abuse
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"H-Hi." Deana tries to keep her composure upon the sight of Nikki freshly off-stage.
He looks more pale than he was before heading to play, his sweat cloaked body shaking slightly.
His mother, her dark hair curled and bright red lips tugging into a sappy smile as tears bubble in her eyes.
Even without probably knowing the whole story, Axl and the guys know Nikki doesn't have a relationship with his mom, and the nightmare about to take place has them slowly leaning against the wall of the hallway, quietly looking down, uncomfortable with getting caught in the middle of this.
"What are you doing here?" Nikki asks, confused, more than likely questioning if its a hallucination from mixing too many drugs or not.
"I made the arrangement." Doc states chipperly, stupidly thinking Nikki would be happy. "An early Christmas present." He adds.
"I wanted to see you," She tells her son, taking a few steps closer, "I wanted to see both of you...I've already missed out on so much." She explains, looking at me. "I-I know the timing is off, but I really wanted to talk to you."
"No, the timing isn't off--" I try to assure her.
"--Don't waste your breath, Viv, she's just gonna ask for money and then disappear for another ten years." Nikki scoffs, brushing past her.
"Frank--"
"--That's not my name." He snaps to her.
"It's the name on your birth certificate, Frankie. Frank Ferana. It might not be as glamorous as 'Nikki Sixx' but--"
"--It's Nikki. Legally. It's Sixx. Legally. It's her last name. Legally." He refers to me and she clenches her jaw. "And any kids I have are gonna have that last name. Legally. I'm not 'Frank', or 'Frankie', and I'm certainly not a fucking 'Ferana' so don't even start that shit."
"You're still my baby." She tells him, trying not to cry. "I came all this way to see you." She adds, wrapping her arms around him.
I see the glimmer of a little boy in his eyes, for a split second, then it's quickly pushed aside and replaced with that of an angry, abused, hurt, scorned, abandoned dog.
And he's going for the throat in a moment the second she says:
"Oh, my Frankie."
He's shoving her off of him so hard she nearly goes to the floor.
"That's not my fucking name!" He screams at her, throwing his bottle of Jack at the ground at her heeled-boot covered feet.
He's storming off, Doc following after him, and Fred takes a breath and goes to Deana, to politely usher her out.
"That's fucked." Izzy mumbles, shaking his head slightly, going to their dressing room and I walk behind them.
"Nikki--"
"--Who the fuck do you think you are?! Huh?! Who the hell are you to bring my personal life front and center for every God damn body to see?!"
"I didn't realize you and your mother weren't on good terms." Doc tells him, honestly.
"You think I'm this fucked up for the hell of it?! You think I'm this way after growing up with parents who gave a shit?! Really?!" Nikki laughs humorlessly.
"Nikki, I'm sorry, alright?"
"No, you're not, you don't give a shit and you never have, you're just another greedy fuck getting his rocks off from the money in my pocket but I'm done!" He yells, turning to walk away. "You don't know what's fucking best for me, you don't care about me, you don't care about the band, you're not my fucking father and you sure as shit aren't my manager anymore so just go get fucked, Doc, you're fucking fired!" He calls.
"You're not fired." I assure Doc, wanting to go after him, but not able to bring myself to.
He doesn't want to talk to me about it.
I am surprised to see Axl rub his forehead and roll his jaw before stalking past me, Nikki's way.
"Where you going?" I ask him.
"I fucking hate my mom." Is all he says as he goes by.
I didn't know what exact issue Axl had with his own mother, but I'd later find out it was because her horrible judgment in men and what abuse she'd allow him and his siblings to endure from those men, along with her forceful hand in religion that she and Axl's stepfather enforced brutally on their kids.
"Did Doc really not mean to set that up?" Steven asks me when I get into their dressing room.
"No, he didn't." I reply.
"Is Nikki gonna be okay?" Tansy asks quietly.
"I don't know, Tansy." I roll my eyes and she furrows her brows, slightly.
"Do you even care?" She asks me and I look at her.
"Tans--" Duff starts.
"--No, I mean, really, Vivian. Do you even care?" She cuts him off.
"Excuse me?" I ask, practically seeing the dullness in her eyes of a mixed-drug high.
Without a doubt coke and smack.
"Of course I care, Tansy. Just because he and I are separated doesn't mean I want him to suffer."
"Way to take one for the team by sleeping with Duff, then, because surely that is the one thing that has to be done to prevent Nikki's suffering." She states.
"What I do and who I do it with is my business, Tansy." I tell her, crossing my arms.
"Sure doesn't sound that way when everybody on the same floor as you can hear nothing but, 'ahh, ahh, Duff, ahh!'" She mimics moaning.
"Maybe I'm staying under Duff so much because if I don't, you'll take it as an open invitation, and there really are some people you don't have to try to sleep with mandatorily based on their wallet size, Tansy."
"Just like there are some people you don't have to sleep with based on whether or not they're gonna be big rockstars or not." She shoots back.
"Wanna be the pot or the kettle?" I ask.
"I want you to stop adding fuel to the fire and then acting like your hands are clean while smiting all of us." She outbursts.
"Smite you for adding to his problems? Offering him drugs when he's already going down hill? Letting him think screwing another woman is okay--not even screwing her, having an entire relationship with her." I correct myself.
"Given the circumstances of your marriage, he needed an escape." She says next.
"Given the circumstances of your new-found smack-induced courage, you act like you need my fist to knock your teeth out."
"Viv--"
"--Then you'll really be laying on your back to get work."
"But at least I do work. What do you do? Aside from spend Nikki's money and sleep with his friends?"
"I'm not killing him like you and Sparkie have been with your junkie bullshit." I manage to keep myself from having an outburst, more concerned with Nikki's crisis with his mom.
"Not yet, at least." She mumbles as I'm walking out.
"Where you guys going?" Tommy asks as we head to leave for the bus.
"Um… about to pack our stuff up and head out?" Izzy replies.
"No, no, no, just because Nikki's parade's been pissed on doesn't mean ours has to be." Tommy suggests to them.
"Yeah, c'mon it's our last night hangin' out for a while." Vince points out, two groupies already under each arm.
"I was gonna check on Sixx." Slash explains.
"I'm fine." Nikki shows up, his hands on Slash's shoulders, tightly in an aggravating manner, making Slash chuckle as he twists away from him.
Axl isn't far behind, he and Izzy looking at the invitation to hangout with the guys one last time on this tour, hesitantly.
"What the hell," Izzy shrugs.
"So glad you said that, man, because we have a special surprise." Nikki grins, beckoning them with his finger.
"Stevie, c'mon!" Duff exclaims from behind me, Steven exiting their dressing room with Tansy behind him.
"You good?" He asks Nikki.
"Yeah." Nikki assures him. "I have a present." He adds, leading the guys to the double doors of what I assume is a bigger room.
Sure enough, he opens the door, and at least ten girls are lined up, naked, asses up, thick lines of coke down their spines.
Nausea nestles it's way into my stomach, but Tommy, Vince and Nikki look as if this is their promised land.
Even Steven looks slightly off-put by the brazen display.
Complete disinterest cascades off of Duff, a heavy puff of cigarette smoke leaving his nostrils with the huff of his unamused breath.
"Who's first?" Nikki asks.
Naturally, the guys look to their "leader," and Axl reluctantly rolls his eyes and walks over to the first girl.
It's like he refuses to acknowledge she's naked, his main focus is the line of coke on her back.
He snorts one-eighth of the line before deciding that's enough.
I don't blame him--the way his fingers hold at the bridge of his nose makes me wince because I know it probably burns like a bitch.
"Boo!" Tommy disappointedly calls to Axl as he walks out.
He's had his party.
Izzy follows.
"More for us." Nikki shrugs, smirking.
He looks at me directly in the eyes, heavy black liner sharpening the contrast of his hazel eyes as he keeps my gaze, spitefully unbuckling his belt and he starts unlacing his pants, making his way to the girl Axl was at earlier.
He is not…
Duff's snatching me out of the room only milliseconds before Nikki enters the girl in sync with snorting the line up her skin.
That was that.
It's a bittersweet draw to an end, "thank you" and "damn, I'm gonna miss you" seeming to be on everyone's lips as hugs and high-fives go around between all the boys once we get back to L.A.
I rub my lips together and smile softly as I hand Fred my purse to put in the car, sighing softly, smiling when he looks down at me.
"See ya later, kid." He tells me and tears swell in my eyes as I wrap hug him tightly, taking him off guard a little. "Don't kill each other...not even over that dumb shit he pulled tonight." He says, referring to the groupie cocaine platter.
"I'll try." I mumble, wiping my eyes quickly before stepping up to say bye to the guys.
Steven and Slash are pretty easy, but Axl just stares at me for a moment before reluctantly wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly.
"I'm sorry I was an asshole this entire trip." He mumbles lowly in my ear.
"I'm sorry I almost got you kicked off." I reply in the same low tone.
"You're one of the reasons they took us in the first place." He states, pulling away to look at me, cupping my face in his hands, grinning. "You're gonna keep up my lie that we're siblings, right?" He asks and I chuckle.
"You guys are gonna make it big and I need a meal ticket so of course." I shrug and his smile grows wider. "I love you." I tell him.
"I love you, too." He assures me, kissing me on the cheek, giving me one last squeezing hug before heading to their bus.
Izzy looks at me for a moment.
"Izzy." I say to him.
"Viv." He acknowledges me and steps to the bus.
Just before Duff can tell me 'bye', arms are locking around my waist, and pulling me against the person they belong to.
"Izzy?" I ask after a moment.
"We're not friends." He says, pulling away to leave, leaving me and Duff.
"Um, I'll see you later?" I offer and he rubs his lips together, his eyes over my shoulder, and I look to see Nikki and a woman that we'd picked up from the airport, getting into the car.
I turn back to face Duff, biting my tongue to keep my tears back.
"You can stay with me tonight." Duff offers.
"Really?"
He just smiles down at me.
I inhale the familiarly comforting scent of cigarette smoke as we walk into Duff's apartment, dropping my bags and running to the bedroom, face planting into the mattress, exhausted.
The weight of Duff's body laying on top of me making me laugh, his own chuckle further making me grin.
"I'm so tired." I tell him.
"Me too." He replies, and I turn over underneath him, wrinkling my nose.
"You stink." I say.
"I think I smell pretty sexy." He grins, teasingly.
"No." I shake my head a little, scrunching my face to my shoulder when he tries to kiss my neck. "Go shower." I giggle when he tries again.
"Come shower with me." He counters.
"I don't feel like it and I don't stink, so--ew, Duff!" I squeal as he takes his shirt off that reeks of sweat and rubs it all over my face and hair.
"What about now?" He asks and I pick up the pillow above my head and start hitting at him with it.
After a few hits are gotten in, he's getting off the bed, stretching.
"You coming?" He asks when he walks to the bathroom.
"I guess." I reply, following after him.
Once I get out and have one of Duff's shirts on, I go to the kitchen to grab some water before bed, the quietness of the apartment allowing different thoughts to invade my mind.
I can't help but wonder what Nikki's doing. Is he high? Is he drunk? Is he even still alive? They leave in a few days for Japan but I honestly don't believe they should go. They need help.
I think at this moment everyone's just trying to see if they can get away with pressing at them a little more without anybody snapping.
But by the looks of it, Nikki is pretty damn close to snapping, and Tommy anf Vince and Mick aren't far behind at all.
Nikki.
My heart tightens in my chest, remembering last Christmas, how he sat curled under our tree, shooting up.
He'd get strung out, then lay underneath the tree and stare up at the lights for hours.
"Are we gonna buy a Christmas tree?" I ask, looking at the empty living area.
"If you want to." He calls to me from the bedroom.
"I want to." I reply, going into the room and getting in bed while he follows.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You know, homey-ness and stuff." I add. "Especially if I'm gonna be here longer." I add and he falls beside me.
"I'll get a tree tomorrow." He assures me, kissing me chastely before yawning and getting comfortable, and I turn off the lamp and lay down, too.
He goes to sleep in no time, but two hours later, in the early hours of morning, I smile to myself in the dark room, Christmas lights from the street shining into the window, lighting up the room and cascading a comforting dim light over Duff's sleeping body next to me.
Reaching over, I run my fingertips softly against his cheek, pushing blonde strands of his hair out of the way, his eyes slowly blinking open slightly before a small tug of a smile pulls his lips slightly.
"Sorry." I whisper, not meaning to have woken him up.
"It's okay." He says quietly, closing his eyes again. "I love you, Vivian." He adds, his eyes staying closed, but he grabs my hand that's on his cheek, and presses a kiss to my palm, holding my hand when he's done.
I snuggle closer to him, laying still and closing my eyes, too, while I reply, "I love you, too," the way I wish I would have done to Nikki all these years.
Years later, while on what I presumed to be his deathbed, he told me that simple moment was what made him feel sure that I was the one. I took everything he had done up to that point with stride. But thinking he was going to die, reflecting on everything that could have been between us but never got to be, and hearing him tell me, "there's a ring I got you years ago when we thought we were gonna be together, but I never gave it to you. Mandy never knew about it. Linda doesn't know about it, but it's on my closet shelf and I don't want to go without giving it to you," broke my heart more than anything he could've done up to that point.
NIKKI
I turn over, seeing the silhouette of the brunette I picked up at the airport, her sheet-covered chest rising and falling with each breath.
A part of me feels irritated because her perfume is contaminating Vivian's side of the bed that still smells like her.
I've been reduced to plucking Viv's clothing from drawers or from in the closet and smelling it. That makes me sound like a fucking stalking creep, but it's the truth.
How the fuck did we get here, again?
Oh, right, me not able to keep my dick in my pants, and the woman I didn't keep my dick in my pants for, didn't keep her mouth shut.
I sit up, walking to the bathroom to piss. When I'm done I look at myself in the mirror and feel a little impressed.
I don't look as bad as I thought.
Well, kinda.
I splash water on my face, wincing at the dark circles under my eyes.
I end up staring at myself for God knows how long, remembering how Vivian would wake up and come in here to get me back in bed if I left her for too long because she didn't like sleeping by herself.
I smile a little, slowly closing my eyes, feeling her touch across my back, the softness of her lips pressing to the skin of my spine before her cheek presses to the same place before she sleepily mumbles out, "come back to bed."
Opening my eyes, for a split second, I see her. Standing behind me, green eyes peering at me over my shoulder, the feeling of her holding me...it's gone in a flash. She's gone in a flash.
My nose burns with the oncoming tears cooking up in my eyes, and I erase them quickly with another splash of water to thr face.