Rain blew against the window, the strong wind made the shutter rock back and forth. With great force, the rain shower soaked the house and meadows beneath her. I opened my eyes. The music of Benjamin's game Hayday played loudly in my right ear. I turned over to my side, watched him snuggled in my covers, his hands and my phone resting on Aurora's pillow as he was lied down on his stomach, head resting on one of his arms.
He glanced at me, played with his earlobe. "The boat just got back and I received a ticket so now I finally bought a horse. This is my first horse, because at first I bought a dog which I regret because it costed me a few tickets so I had to save longer to get a horse."
"I get it. It's Friday and you have the day off, but you know you have to ask when you take my phone." My voice was hoarse. Tired. Didn't want to be used today.
"Are you going to start already?" Benjamin furrowed his eyebrows and threw the phone onto the pillow, turning his back to me. I could tell he was staring at the drops that gently rolled down the window.
"I suppose that's the question I need to ask you."
Benjamin kicked the covers away, pulled up his pajama shorts and leaned his elbows on the windowsill. His nose was pressed against the window, his gaze fell onto something on the left. I knew exactly what he was gazing at, and my guts started to feel heavy by the look of the weather, the sound of the wind. The flowers must be destroyed.
Taking a deep breath, I mentally scolded myself for starting the day like this. I had given him a day off on purpose, knowing how his emotions could be all over the place on a day like this. What was the harm of him playing a game without asking, I thought. Yet at the same time I knew if I let it slip, he could pick up on that and start doing it regularly.
"Did you name the horse?"
Benjamin didn't answer and I knew sooner or later, he'd explode, his Italian temper not being able to suppress itself. However, when he turned back around, it was in a way I hadn't expected. Tears cascaded down his rosy cheeks and only then, I saw the damp on his hair.
"What's wrong?"
"Mamma's- Mamma's flowers.." He hiccuped, hiding his face in his shirt as he pulled the neck. "I tried to pluck them before the wind.. but- and then the.. but I forgot the Edelweiss and now-"
A lump formed in my throat. "Come here." He let himself fall onto the bed, turned his back to me but allowed me to wrap my arms around his body. I felt him shaking, felt how he tried to hold back his sobs. "Come on, it's okay. Cowboys cry too. Just let it out."
"It's not okay!" He tried to get out of my grip. "I'm so dumb, Mamma's favourite flowers are Edelweiss and I plucked the others first and now the wind destroyed her favourites and-"
"Benji, you're not dumb. It's alright." I was exhausted. My phone kept vibrating and the Hayday song was still playing in the background. He struggled to get out of my grip, so I let him go. He sat on the edge of the bed and turned his head, watching his fingers as they brushed over the covers of the bed.
"We didn't make cornetti's and we didn't sing for her and we didn't buy a present and we didn't surprise her with breakfast in bed and I didn't make a drawing for her. And then I also can't get the Edelweiss it's all she wants. A cappuccino. Kisses. Cuddles." Benjamin stopped crying, but his chest was rising and falling erratically. "And you don't even want to come out of bed and this day sucks. I hate it and I hate tomorrow too. Why can't my Mamma turn thirty two today and other Mamma's get ninety?"
My lip quivered, but ironically as I told Benjamin it's alright to cry, I sucked my emotions in and sat up. I could feel the anger inside of him, he beamed it out. "Benji, I am getting out of bed and if you want to make cornetti's we can still do that."
"No!" Benjamin glared at me, his sadness had turned into anger. "I won't eat them because you can't make them. They will taste awful and you never eat breakfast so we have to throw them away and Mamma would be mad."
Talk about getting confronted with your own behaviour. Perhaps, I hadn't been the greatest role model in his life ever since Aurora had passed. It made me nauseous.
"I'm going to get dressed and I will visit Mamma." Benjamin walked off, slammed the door of my bedroom, and his own a moment later.
I stared at the door, emotions wanting to get ahead of me. My phone vibrated some more. I knew exactly what they were saying. Hayday still played and when the cows started to bellow, I smashed my phone onto the floor and got dressed. I made my way downstairs, stared at the photo of Aurora which we had standing onto the piano, the photo we had placed onto her coffin at the funeral. I kissed her in my mind. Wished her a happy birthday. Her thirty- second birthday, if it wasn't for her sickness. Our fourteenth wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Water dripped from the dining table. I walked closer, saw a bouquet of plucked wildflowers out of the garden Aurora and I had made, planted. Besides that laid a drawing of an Edelweiss, Benjamin's handwriting scribbled onto it.
Edelweiss. I'm sorry, Mamma. :'(
The stairs creaked. Benjamin stepped down slowly. I glanced at him. He wore his white button up, tucked into beige shorts that reached above his knees. His disheveled hair styled with a little too less hair gel, with a dollop of the liquid resting on his wrist. I smiled half-heartedly. It was Aurora's favourite outfit on him. He knew that. I knew that. We both knew that we knew that.
"You look handsome."
Benjamin didn't answer, but his eyes gazed the floor. "When will the rain stop?" He picked up the bouquet.
I gazed at the sky. "Soon. It's just a heavy shower."
"Will the sun shine today?"
"I'm sure Mamma ordered it for us today."
"Did Mamma order the rain too so we would start this day sad? To put us to the test and see if we still miss her?"
I laughed. Benjamin cracked a small smile. The tension of our emotions were mostly gone. We sat on the couch in silence, waiting for the shower to pass. Benjamin cuddled with Casey on his lap, whispered things into the cat's ear. I stared at Aurora's face.
My heart felt heavy. Rotten with guilt. Rotten with my selfishness. My heart cried. Everything inside of me felt shattered. I needed to share my emotions with her, needed to share my pain with her on these two days. I didn't know how to walk around with those burdens upon my shoulders for a moment longer. The wood was creaking, begging to break in order to lose some of the heavy weight. I wasn't used to being without her. Every day pained me more. Every day put more pressure on the wood resting upon my shoulders. She had been my heart. She had been my life. She was my life, still. But if she had been here, she wouldn't have had to help me lift the heavy wood off of my shoulders. For those feelings wouldn't have been there in the first place.
Water seeped onto my trousers. I stared down at the bouquet on my lap. Benjamin stood in front of me, with his black Clarks onto his feet. I got the note. Stepping into my own shoes, we got out of the house and felt how the weak sun shone down onto us. We silently walked the track leading to where Aurora rested.
It was quiet outside. People were caught up in the haste of their lives. Working. Teaching. Children at school. It gave us the peace we needed. Birds sang softly. Gently bouncing on the branch they were sitting on. The fence creaked. The gravel path crunched beneath our feet. Straight on. Turning to the left. Fifty meters. Turning to the right. Last stone.
Her tombstone didn't fit among the others. Then again, the least that would fit among the others was her age. She rested between people who had, give or take a day, lived for a century long. It hit me every time. I stared at the rock we had found in Italy at the lake she had adored for her life long. Benjamin had helped me clean it. Teddy had sent it to someone he knew, who had engraved our message onto a thin stone slab, which he had gently attached to the rock.
Safe in the arms of Jesus
Our beloved wife and mother
Aurora Malin- Moretti
7th July 1988 - 19th October 2018
I stood at her grave. Watched how Benjamin gently took each flower out of the bouquet and laid them in several neat rows. Soon later, he had four rows of five flowers, each with the flower bud down. Inspired by the dried flower wall Aurora had made in our office room. He kissed the drawing of the Edelweiss, placed it onto the rock and searched for a pebble to keep it on its place. He sat down, stared at the rock. I sat down on a wooden bench, which was placed a meter or two across.
My chin rested in my hands, my elbows on my knees. I wondered what was going through Benjamin's head, but he wouldn't speak up. His gaze never left the rock. His fingers played with one of the flowers, I heard him whispering in the wind. We sat there for half an hour long, before Benjamin glanced at me.
"Why aren't you sitting here with Mamma like me."
The lump in my throat made my voice come out hoarse. "She's not here, Benji."
Benjamin turned around. Stretched his legs, while his hand gently brushed the rock. He gave me a questionable look. The anger that was buried deep inside of him appeared slowly in his eyes.
"Her body lay here, but.." I cleared my throat. Looked up at the sky. It was blue, but the clouds that were there still looked grey, somewhat threatening. "That's just her body. Mamma, herself, is with God. I can't find her here."
Benjamin swallowed. Gazed at the rock before he looked back at me. He stood up, dusted his shorts. The spot on his bum was covered in wet soil. It reminded me of the pile of laundry waiting at home. He sat beside me. Stared at the place where my wife rested.
"I feel it too." His voice was barely audible.
"What?"
"I feel it too." He said, more clearer now. He cleared his throat. "I mean, what you say. Peers go to here and say they feel the presence of their grandparents. I talk to Mamma but I don't feel anything. Mamma is gone, I know that. Here at least. In Heaven, she's there."
I wrapped my arm around his shoulders.
"I think maybe they want to feel it and it's an illusion." He commented.
I let out a deep breath. Clouds hid the sun. A moment later, Benjamin pointed at the sky. "Papà.." I looked up. A rainbow had appeared in the chaotic sky. Tears dripped down my face. It broke Benjamin, too.
The wink of God.
Aurora would call it the wink of God. The rainbow had been our hope in the darkest days and nights we'd passed. It was the symbol of God's loyalty. The rainbow that shines for the promise He gives of the faithful love, as long as we'd live.
It came at the right moment.
We gazed at it for as long as it took the rainbow to leave again. Benjamin kissed Aurora's rock and slowly, we headed back home.
The day had been too much for Benjamin. His temper came back, he suppressed the remaining of his emotions again. He put up a fuss about a shower, tried for anything else but that. It wasn't only that, because everything that I offered or everything that he wanted to use was either awful, bad, or it sucked.
"Why can't I take a bath like a cowboy, it's not too much work!"
"Benjamin, once again, it will take so long to warm up the water." I suppressed a sigh. I was exhausted. I wanted to dive into my bed and sleep for the rest of the weekend.
"Then I will take a cold one. Why are you being so difficult?!" His anger got ahead of him. His eyes were watery and he had a never leaving frown creased onto his forehead. "You only have to put water in there, and the rest I can do myself! I haven't done it in so long and you said I could always do it if I wanted it."
"It's been a long day, Benjamin."
"For me too."
The line between discipline and consideration was so thin. Faded almost, that it was easy to miss. My mind was so hazy, I just didn't know it anymore. "Get your towel, shampoos and clothes." Benjamin stomped away. I pulled the iron tub out of the shed and placed it against the house for his privacy. Poppy loved watching him when he was practicing on his horse, but I was sure he wouldn't appreciate it if she peeked over the fence in this situation.
I filled the bath with cold water, then added a few buckets of hot water to make it warm enough for him. When I was done, he gazed at the water before giving me a look. "Turn around."
"Don't be difficult, just get in. Nothing I haven't seen before."
"Papà, I said turn around." He frowned. I sighed, turned around and waited for him to undress and get inside the tub. I wasn't quite used to his sudden modesty. He surely was growing up. If only Aurora could have seen him.
"Okay." I turned around at the sound of his voice. He played with a Playmobil cowboy who was shooting everyone down he 'saw', including a few doctors and nurses. I frowned at that, but let him be. I leaned my chin onto my hands, which were resting onto the edge of the tub. I sat on my knees, listened to his made up story.
Eventually, he threw his Playmobil away. Glanced at me. Stared back at the water. "Mamma used to always wash my hair when I bathed here." A question laid in that comment. A question I knew he wouldn't ask out loud. Part of him wanted to be mature and do it himself. Part of him just awfully missed the affection and care of his mother.
"Do you want me to wash it?"
"No." He answered. Moments later, he gave a quick nod.
"That's alright. Dip your head under water to wet it." Benjamin pinched his nose and wet his hair. I squeezed some shampoo onto my hand, rubbed them together and started massaging his scalp. His head slowly went back and forth at my massaging. He was quiet.
When I accidentally made his head jerk to the back a little too harshly, he pushed my hands away and scowled. "Your hands don't feel like Mamma's." He held back his emotions, but his temper appeared anyway. "You're doing it way too rough, I'll do it myself."
"I'm sorry. I know it doesn't feel the same as Mamma."
Benjamin washed his hair and body silently. Out of nowhere, he stood up, forgot about his modesty and wrapped his arms around my neck. The bath water soaked my clothes and I quickly reached for the towel to wrap it around his bare body, where goosebumps started to appear already. It only lasted for a moment before he pushed me away again and got dressed without my presence.
His emotions were all over the place. I could tell he was as confused. In his room, he had peeked underneath the bed before stepping in. And when he lay in bed, he had his back turned to me again. "I don't want to hear it."
"It's a story about bulls. I think you'll love it."
"Shut up! I don't want to hear a stupid story. It's enough, okay. Please, just leave!" The anger became worse. My heavy guts told me that something wasn't right. Other part of me told me it was just his way of grieving.
"Benji-"
"I said shut up! When can I make myself clear, Papà, please, just leave me alone! I don't want you here, I don't want to hear a stupid book with a fake story that doesn't gain me anything. Please, leave me alone and go away. Read the stupid cursed book for yourself!" He screamed, turned around in his bed so he could kick his feet against his wall.
Did he cross the line, or did I?
My mind couldn't take it anymore. I dropped the book onto the floor, closed his bedroom door and made my way downstairs. I heard him screaming and kicking the wall for ten minutes long, before he must've had fallen asleep due to his own, tempered outburst. I lied down onto the couch. Stared at the garden, ruined by the weather. Snapped Edelweisses. Soil everywhere but on the place it needed to be. Stared at the rocking chair.
Thought about how Aurora caressed his back. How Aurora played with his hair. That all, when he was lying in bed. Listening to the words I spoke as I would read him a story. How Aurora and I brought him to bed together, every single night.
I understood why he didn't want me to read anymore.
•
Zev and Benji moment, although not the happiest.
What do you think of Benjamins behaviour? Is it understandable?
The way Zev is around Benjamin?
Auroras birthday?
Let me know your thoughts.. would really appreciate some comments and votes. That motivates me :)