this book takes places two years after Catalina has Mahlia.
CATALINA
When I was younger, maybe in my teens, I remember not being able to wait until I was older and had my mother out of my hair. I thought life got easier when we got older, but we all know that's not the case, and it certainly wasn't the case for me. Throughout every aspect of our lives, we wait for the next step because we're waiting for things to get easier.
A few years ago, I thought that if I could just escape the city of Portland and be with the man I love for the rest of my life, then everything would be perfect. I wasn't entirely wrong, because it is perfect, but I never said perfect was easy. I got the house, the family, and the husband that I never thought a person like me could ever get, and I'm nothing but grateful, but in a sense, it's nothing that I thought it'd be.
I just put Mahlia and Alex to sleep after a long day of chasing them around, but Eric just won't go and he won't stop crying either. I sigh as I bounce him in my arms. My whole body is tired and I feel like I could literally collapse, but I can't because my baby is in my hands. I have yet to eat anything, all I've been doing for the past two hours is trying to get Eric to stop screaming.
"Baby what's wrong with you?" I sigh as I look at his tiny little face as he wails with rosy red cheeks. "I'm trying, please calm down."
I've tried everything I can think of to get him to stop and he just won't. I feel my nose tingling as tears begin to fill my own eyes. I wish I knew what was wrong with him so that I can make it stop. I'm crying because my body is aching and all I want to do is sleep and also because my baby can't talk to let me know what's wrong so I can't help him.
"Mommy loves you, please stop crying." I sniffle, feeling my tears get dry and sticky because I can't wipe them away.
I sigh and listen to him crying in my ear, unsure of what I can do at this point. Besides let him howl in my ear and rock him on my hips before I collapse on the floor in exhaustion.
I hear the sound of keys jingling from the front room and I gasp, rushing to the door to meet Ashton.
"Please tell me you have food." Is the first thing I say, placing Eric's crying in the back of my mind.
"No, you said you would-- why are you crying?" He furrows his eyebrows and reaches his hand out to touch my cheek, confirming that actual tears are coming out of my eyes.
"He won't stop. I'm so tired, and the house is a mess, I haven't had a chance to cook or eat." I sniffle as I rock Eric in my arms while he screams in my ears.
"Oh." Ashton's eyes widen as he takes Eric out of my hands. "Okay. Do you want me to cook?"
"You just got off of work and it's eleven at night." I sigh.
"Okay, I'll order some food." He says. "Where is Alex and Mahlia?"
"They just went to sleep. It took forever to get them to bed, and he's been awake since."
"Well then we just need to put him to sleep, right?"
"and clean the front room." I gesture my hand to the baby toys all over the floor before I look back at Ashton.
I feel horrible enough. I mean I'm home all day trying to get my life outside of being a mother together and the only thing I really have to do is cook a damn plate of decent food for me and Ashton to eat and I can't even do that. Good thing my babies don't require cooked meals to live because I'd fail at that too.
"I'm sorry." I tell him with a sigh.
"Why are you sorry?" Ashton raises an eyebrow while he pats Eric's back.
"Because...it's not fifty fifty, it's like seventy five-- twenty five. I'm the twenty five. You go to work all day and you come home and you have to do half of the stuff that I should've done. I'm here all day and I can barely put a baby to sleep."
"Catalina you're not a nanny. You do know that right?" He laughs. "It was easy when it was just Mahlia, I don't expect you to take care of our two twin babies and a two year old. Especially not this little guy." He turns around to focus on Eric wailing.
"Awww what's wrong?" Ashton sighs as he rocks Eric in his arms.
Eric just looks at him and continues his wailing.
"He's not hungry, I fed him. I changed him. I tried all of his favorite things."
"It's going to be okay." Ashton chuckles as he talks to Eric. "You don't have to scream, there are better ways to communicate son."
Eric stops and sniffles before staring at Ashton quietly like he's listening to what he's saying. His little chest puffs up and down as he takes a deep breath before he lays his head on Ashtons shoulder. Eric lifts his head back up to look at Ashton again and he smiles, showing the dimple identical to his dad's.
My jaw drops in astonishment. I gasp. "Are you serious? I kept you alive for nine months. Then I proceeded to push you out of me. It's not like it was easy."
Eric turns his head the opposite way from me to let me know that he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying and he lays his head down on Ashton's shoulder.
"Don't tell me he was trying to let me know that he was looking for you." I gag. "Well you can just put him in the pockets of your white coat tomorrow and take him to work with you." I laugh.
"Alright let's eat!" I grin as I grab my phone to search up anywhere that's open and delivering, happy that Eric has stopped crying.
*******
Eric sits in Ashton's lap and stares at me smiling. I smile softly at my son, wishing that he'd go to sleep so that his parents can.
"Why won't he go to sleep?" I groan and lay my head on Ashton's shoulder.
"I told you we shouldn't have named him Eric Evans. Maybe that's why he's wreaking havoc."
I roll my eyes at him and chuckle.
"I'd be mad too, I don't blame you." Ashton says to Eric. "I'm just glad that you know I wasn't the one responsible for it."
"That's a great name. He was made to be a little icon." I smile.
Ashton smiles tiredly and lays his head against the headboard. "You can go to sleep, I got it."
"No, that's not fair." I say.
The both of us are barely keeping our eyes open and using the headboard to keep us sitting up. It wouldn't be fair for one of us to have to sit up all night with the baby that we both made. Plus, I like spending time with him-- even if we're too tired to speak. Holding his hand and making tired, lazy comments every now and then is enough for me.
"First one to sleep has to give the other whatever they want tomorrow." I propose.
"Mhhh." He chuckles. "What do you want."
"A foot and back massage. What do you want?"
"You." He laughs.
"How do you want me?" I smile, trying to be flirtatious, but I'm too tired to know if I'm doing it right.
"Surprise me."
I glance down to his lap to see Eric quietly laying his head on Ashton's stomach with his eyes closed. I sit up and gasp under my breath before I slowly move around to pick him up slowly. I tip toe towards the crib in our room and lay him down next to his brother.
I smile at the both of them filled with awe and love. I don't know how I made something so beautiful-- three times. I don't know if I should give the credit to Ashton or if I just got really lucky three times. All I know is that there is nothing quite like giving a little person life, seeing them grow up and loving them with your entire heart.
AUGUST
"How does my sun hat look?" Lily does a pose and touches her sun hat with the 'Mrs.' engraving on it.
It was a gift for our honeymoon when we got married last year, and to my surprise, she's saved it all this time. We waited to go on our honeymoon because we wanted everything to be perfect and Lily had this summer time image in her head, we needed to be okay with leaving Alyssa with her grandma for a week, and we wanted to be in the right place at the right time. So here we are, married for a year and on our honeymoon feeling like newlyweds.
"It looks perfect." I smile at her softly.
She's the greatest thing that could've ever happened to me. Not only is she that, but she looks like it too. I smile because I'm sure to everybody who looks at her, she looks like the best thing that could happen to them, she's the human embodiment of sunshine and hope. Lily lets out a laugh consumed with joy as she skips towards me, letting her yellow sundress drift in the wind.
"You are stunning." I tell her with a smile and she laughs.
"You too." Lily grabs my hand. "I made a whole list for today."
I laugh softly. I'm focused on my wife and everything she wants to do, but I feel that my mind is somewhere else. Somewhere dark, that I haven't been to in a long time. My eyes scan all the people around me and the bright sun in the sky as I attempt to shake the feeling deep within myself.
"Did you hear me?" Lily asks, her voice snapping me out of my thoughts.
"What?" I raise an eyebrow as I turn to her.
"What's wrong?" She narrows her eyes.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me on our honeymoon." She gasps.
Lying isn't what would ruin it, the truth will. It'll just tear the whole mood down and I don't want to do that after we waited so long to make sure everything would be right. The least I could do is give her everything she wants to make her happy after everything I've put her through. I can manage to bury my emotions for a week just to give that to her.
"Come on." Lily sighs. "You're doing that thing again."
"What thing?"
"The thing where you think suppressing your emotions to be happy for me will make me happier. That's not what you're supposed to do." She grabs my hands.
She's right. I want to be here for this. I don't want my mind to be somewhere else, I want to remember every moment of this perfect week for us. I don't want to think of how I felt instead. The only thing that'll make it okay is talking about it with someone, but I doubt Lily wants to talk about this on our honeymoon.
"What's wrong?" She asks softly.
"We don't have to talk about it."
"What's wrong?" She asks again.
"You're asking for it." I warn her with a chuckle.
She smiles and sits at a table with an umbrella for shade over it. I sit beside her apprehensive trying to think of a way to gather my words to talk to her.
"I saw Catalina." I blurt out quickly.
"Really?" Lily scoffs. "You're thinking about Catalina on our--"
"No." My eyes widen. "No, I'm not at all. I just saw her at the store last week when I was getting things for our trip. She didn't see me, but she was holding her kid and she looked so happy and I just felt horrible." I admit.
It's easy to forget something when it's not in front of you. It's easy to push those bad thoughts to the bottom of your mind when you know you won't have to face them for a while. I just feel so disgusting thinking about the things I've done, the person I was-- or still am for all I know.
"And I just remembered everything I did to her. Horrible, wretched things that no one should ever have to go through and I did it to her. I looked at her and saw her smiling and I just thought about how much she didn't deserve any of it and that made me feel worse. I just feel like I shouldn't be here happy, like I'm pretending I'm not the person who did that and I am."
"No you aren't." Lily says, grabbing my hand. "You did some things, but if you were who you think you are, you wouldn't care about that. Plus, you haven't been that person for a very, very long time."
I sigh and remind myself that she's right. There's no way for me to make amends or take back what I've done and I accepted that a long time ago. It's just that seeing her after not knowing her for so long sends back this surge of emotions.
I've worked very hard to not be that person. I did it for myself and my family, and I did everything I could possibly do to make sure of it. I know that I have to give myself credit for that at the least. It just feels weird knowing that I'll always be that person to Catalina and anyone else I've hurt.
"Plus, that's insulting." Lily narrows her eyes. "Do you think I'd be with someone like that, if you were that person?"
"No." I laugh.
"Exactly." She smiles. "I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but you're not that man, okay?"
I nod my head and listen to what she's saying. It's true, I'm not, and I think I know that I'm not. I don't need any convincing of that, sometimes I just think about who I was and how even though I've changed, I was still that way before.
"Can I see your list?" I smile softly, steering the conversation back to what we're here for.
Her face lights up and she unfolds the piece of paper in her hands to show me everything she has planned for today.
"What if I drown when we go sailing."
"I'll make sure to get you a life jacket." She smiles before leaning over the table to kiss me.
I grab her hand and intertwine our fingers to show her that my mind isn't anywhere else. All I see is her, me, and the beautiful week that we have ahead of us.
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I'm so excited to finally be publishing the sequel soo idk what else to say besides yayy