Chapter 21: Benjamin
Days have passed.
All I've felt is anger towards myself and disappointment. I've tried contacting Hazel multiple times just to apologize, but I've had no luck. Zayn won't speak to me at all. I can't blame him, I hurt his best mate, but I thought I was one of them too.
I haven't been back to the dorms since that dreadful day, Zayn won't allow me in. My first instinct was to ask Harry if he had room to spare, but with the daycare him and Shawny are running they're packed. I thought about calling me mum, but she lives out of town. Instead, I decided to ask Niall who was more than happy to offer a place to stay.
I owe him many thanks, more than I can afford to give. Once the bus stopped at the stop by his place, with Benjamin in one arm and some of our belongings in the other, I started walking towards his place. I remember when I saw his place for the first time; my mouth was agape in awe. It was a huge house, much nicer than one my family has ever been able to afford. If he lives here by himself then I understand completely why he'd want us to stay due to the room he has. His parents or himself must be pretty well off, more so than I thought.
Benjamin and I settled in pretty quickly. He loves the place, but I just can't express my enthusiasm anymore. Losing both Hazel and Zayn in one day has taken its toll on me and it's not a very good one. I feel drained and like I have no purpose since I've fucked up so badly.
I'm drawn out of my thoughts by Benjamin laughing and clapping. We're in the basement of Niall's home, giving him some privacy. Little Ben has stacked up his blocks horribly, but to him it's an achievement and he needs to be praised.
"Good job bud," I coo, smiling at him, but I know it doesn't reach my eyes. I haven't had a real smile in days. Sadness has taken over me.
I knew it would be bad when she found out, but not this bad. She's always been so understanding. I thought she would cope. Maybe she just needs time? I sure as hell hope so. I never realized how much she meant to me after I no longer had her. I didn't know the joys of being in a relationship and I was so blind. I miss having someone to cuddle when I such films. I miss the way that she'd get so in to the movie that she'd tell at the characters or end up crying with them. I miss her laugh and that damn smile she always has, especially when she talks about the bands she enjoys. I miss her eating those raisel things that her brother sends her from America. I just miss her.
I know I only dated her for a month when though we've known each other for the past six. I practically knew her when we met thanks to Zayn, but nobody would've guessed it'd end up here. I sure as hell didn't, but I would change a damn thing. Well, maybe I would've told her about my son sooner.
As if he knows I'm thinking of him, Benjamin crawls over to me. He lifts his hand up toward me. I decide to pick him up and kiss his forehead, examining how much he reminds me of Maura and Hunter. I squeeze him tightly, never wanting him to let him go.
"I love you Benjamin," I say for the first time, realizing just now how true it is. I've never been one to express my feelings so Benjamin's confused face at the unfamiliar words make sense. I would've loved him even if Maura and Hunter were alive, but I wouldn't have loved him like my own. I wouldn't have cared for him as so nor seen him as much. I couldn't imagine a life not having Ben, he's everything to me, but a selfish part of me still wishes that fire didn't happen.
Little Ben reaches his tiny hand up to touch my face. His hand rests on my cheek as he stares at me with those blue eyes and for the first time in days, I smile. It's a genuine smile that let's me know that I can be happy even if it is only for a few seconds. I really need to be a better father to him, something I've been saying for awhile and have been trying to do.
I didn't realize it before, but Benjamin is the only person I can rely on as much as he relies on me. In a year or so he can start playing at the park and I can take him to the zoo, telling me everything he's excited about. He'll start school in a few years and make friends. Hopefully by that time I'll have graduated and we'll have a nice place of our own. I'll throw him the best birthday parties and have a stable job. He'll grow up and I'll help him through his first day of middle school where he'll like that girl in his fourth hour and I'll give him tips to swoon her. She'll probably say yes because she's naive and the relationship would end shortly after they realize they don't know what a relationship is. I'll scold him for his first F and help him celebrate his good grades. Once he gets to high school, I'll start sharing more things with him and he'll probably get a real girlfriend. He'll bring her home to meet me for the first time and we'll joke as I show her his baby pictures. He'll probably join a school team or get in to drugs where I'll end up kicking his ass. We'll still hang out as I hope to be his friend. So many possibilities of how our lives will turn out play through my head and Benjamin is always near and I'm always filled with pride. Is this what being a dad feels like?
Suddenly, I'm blinded by a white light and I set Benjamin on the floor so I can wipe my eyes. I turn to look where the cause came from and I see Niall on the stairs holding his damn bulky camera. He has this need to photograph everything since he wants to start his own photography business when he graduates but that doesn't mean he needs to start now.
"Way to ruin a moment Niall," I joke. Niall is obviously confused and I realize I am too. For once I'm not gloomy or sarcastic. I'm genuinely light heartedly joking. He laughs at me, acting like we normally would have and it's nice.
"Well it was a good photo man. Besides, we have a guest," he announces to me. So many possibilities run through my head as to of who it is, but I only want it to be one person.
Hazel.
My heart starts racing at the thought of possibly seeing her. I've spent these days thinking of what I'd tell her if I saw her again. I'd explain how sorry I am and how I would've told her as soon as we met.
What I didn't expect though was this overbearing feeling of surprise and disappointment when the blonde doesn't appear. Instead, a tan brunette emerges from the top of the stairs.
"Dakota?" I ask, unsure what of what is happening. She and I have never been to close seeing as we were always at each other's throats. Lately we've been getting on better, but after what I did to Hazel and the fact that she's practically Zayn's girlfriend, I'd figured we'd back tracked. She's obviously here just to yell at me.
"Hey. Thanks Niall," she says as she passes him and walks towards me.I stand up, carrying Benjamin because I don't want him to witness whatever is about to go down.
"Can you take him upstairs?" I ask Niall. He rolls his eyes but nods in agreement. Once little Ben leaves my arms though, he starts crying a bit.
"Give him his bottle," I recommend quick and Niall nods, hurrying up the stairs. I turn around and see Dakota examining the room I've pretty much claimed as my own for now. My nerves are wrecked right now.
"How've you been?" She asks me out of nowhere.
"Honestly? Crappy," I admit as I take a seat on the couch. She sighs and does the same.
"How's Zayn?" I ask, mentioning my best mate before she can comment on my bad past few days.
"He's angry," Dakota straight up says and it's almost as if she's confirmed the bad thoughts I'm having of how this conversation will go.
"Oh," I tell her a bit disappointed.
"He's just upset that you didn't tell Hazel sooner and that she's willing to talk to you so soon after the fight," she tells me.
"Wait, Hazel wants to talk to me?" I ask disbelievingly. She hasn't tried to contact me?
"Yeah. I think she realized how dumb this whole squabble is," Dakota tells me.
"Dumb?" I ask. Obviously this isn't a situaton that should be taken lightly.
"Yeah. You were put in an unlikely situation and didn't know what to do. You were scared. It makes sense. You were just waiting to see what she would do. It's not that big of a deal," she shrugs at me. How does she make it that simple, that easy? Obviously it isn't.
"Is that what you really think?" I ask, surprised and not wanting to argue more. I don't have the energy in me because Benjamin kept me up all night.
"Yeah," she tells me with a warm smile. She took my side over everyone else's?
"Thank you," I tell her.
"Yeah. Anyways, Hazel wants to meet tomorrow at a diner down the street at noon. Zayn also wants to talk to you if she forgives you so he can give you the 'if you hurt her again' speech, something I truly believe you'll end up getting," she explains. Her confidence in Hazel's forgiveness is welcome yet terrifying at the same time. What if she's just setting me up so I can get more hurt?
"Okay," I tell her.
"Oh and she wants you to bring Ben," Dakota informs me. My attention is even more so heightened at this information. I'd much rather not bring him because what if she and I just fight? I don't want him to witness that.
"I don't want him to witness an argument between us," I deny.
"Who said you'll argue?" Dakota asks.
"It's pretty much inevitable," I point out.
"Fine. I'll tell her you won't bring him," she gives up, probably seeing my point which is weird.
"Thank you," I say with a genuine smile. I can fix things. I might have a chance.
"Just don't fuck up."