Blind and Bereft By scmimi
[WANE] Chapter 1 | Sound of Snow (Chapter Title)
Chinese Fantasy (Genre)
Overcoming fear (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)
---------------- 9.05.2020 -----------
Hi,
Thank you for letting me read your chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter:
- clear genre (Chinese Fantasy)
- clear time period (past / AU)
- clear MC (check )
- few character introductions (check, MC/ Master/ thief)
- suspense / tension (yes)
- a life-changing decision / event (yes/no)
As someone who is a connoisseur of Chinese dramas, I consider myself an expert. I'm not an expert, but I play one on the internet. So imagine my shock and excitement when your critique landed on the list.
For a first chapter, this is a good start. It checks all the boxes. It has blood, possible murder, mystery, prickly male counterparts, and a defensive female MC. All we need now is an evil possible mother-in-law to get the Chinese drama bingo.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your chapter. The grammar was sometimes strange but that might just be a style issue. It wasn't much. Out of the entire chapter, I'd say about three sentences were a bit clunky. The pacing was good. The story was good. And the MC was likeable. We get a lot of information dished out smoothly. It didn't feel forced or rushed in any way.
If I had one real critique it would be your narration. This is third person limited, good, meaning we get her emotions and her thoughts. So to have someone who is an immortal 'fear' for her life...raises questions. It's okay if she's afraid, and genuinely so. But, I'd like to know...why. Can she be killed? If not killed, can she be injured or made to suffer? Can she perhaps fall to another realm or have her 'magic' used up where she disappears? What exactly is the fear that's driving her? Also, sometimes casual terms come out of nowhere. She's a pupil looking for her master saying things like, "I can't chicken out" or "kick his butt." It just feels like I'm watching an ancient story with a MC dressed to the nines, on an ethereal plane...chewing bubblegum and using a cellphone. It just doesn't match and it threw me.
Other than that, I think you've got a real winner. It was still a fun read and the male MC, he sorta pushes it to the limit, BUT, he was still a treat to read. Keep at it!
(end) If you found this critique useful, please give a shout out. Also. Please check out the FIRST DATES section of this book. Help out the first dates out there.