April
Sunday
The following day, Sunday, my sister came to pick me up so we can leave for home. The entire drive to Kwazulu Natal, I was thinking about Karabo, I felt like I was losing my mind. Lately, things were good between Sihle and I and I was starting to fall in love with him, now I don't know what real love is as Karabo is now the one in my head. Is this why they say you don't forget your first time, coz if so, I can't take it, I want to forget mine. I can't fall in love with Karabo.
The school break was just for 1 week, so Tshifhiwa and I decided to go home. I thought of telling her about losing my virginity when we were on our way, but I decided it was time I stop telling her everything that happens to me. She's my big sister, obviously, she will always find a way to ruin my already ruin life by trying to pep talk me. At this point, I haven't even told Zinzi. But I sense Tshifhiwa did see that something was different with me, and how could she not, she is a detective.
When we got home, everyone was back, and by everyone, I mean my big brother Tshilidzi as he's always the one not around. They didn't tell us he was around, It was a surprise for us. Suddenly a great feeling rushed in my body, we are travelling to Britain soon, that's what came in my mind when I saw him, I thought he has come to tell us he has finally completed his studies and we have to go with him for graduation. But well, as no one asks him about his studies, we are all in the woods. And the fact that he didn't say anything about it, it means he's still on it, studing. At least he gets paid by his Scholar so great news to my dad.
I am having a good time, being with my family, forgetting about my recent problems, the week is going great. Although great, I sometimes feel a bit different, like my mom can see right through me that I am no longer a virgin, I am no longer her baby girl, I feel embarrassed when that feeling strikes.
I have chatted to Zinzi during this break, but never got the courage to tell her I lost my virginity. I talk to Sihle too, and boy he is in love, still happily counting down to our special day. What's bugging me now is that I haven't spoken to Karabo, he hasn't tried reaching me and that is slowly killing me. I doubt he has my phone numbers as I don't have his but he can easily get them, but I guess he doesn't care anymore, he got what he wanted.
The week ended and Tshifhiwa and I drove back to Johannesburg on a Saturday.
Monday
It's a Monday, the second week of April. Three weeks to go for Sihle to find out I lied to him. No matter what you do or wish to change, Monday is that day where you see everyone, including those you wish you could never see for the rest of your life. Well, this Monday was not going to be good for me, I guess I can say every Monday, or any day where I will find myself breathing the same air with Karabo, it won't be a good day.
I spent the whole school break trying to figure out how to get out of this one, but I still don't know how. Right now, I don't know what is going to happen when I see Karabo; hopefully, the ground will open, and I will find myself swallowed by it. Well, that's just a fantasy; I bet the ground will just rise to make me pop from everything around me just for Karabo to notice me. I have never felt so embarrassed in my whole life, and I'm just still in my room. What's going to happen when I'm outside, seeing Karabo, and Sihle, oh and here is Sihle, just continuing counting down for our day, how is it going to be special.
Sihle texted me that he was already at school and the reason we didn't see each other last night was that he arrived late from home, so he didn't want to wake me. I walked to the campus alone, though I wasn't exactly alone. I walked with some girl who is also doing Chemistry. She was talking too much, and I was just nodding through all the way. My mind was occupied, and I was just an empty ghost walking to school.
We arrived at the lecture room; she said her cheers as she turned to sit next to who seems to be her friend. I walked the stairs down going to the front, Zinzi and I's usual seat. Sihle and his crew were already on their spot, which is the spot I must pass by.
"Morning," I said to all of them without waiting for them to respond. Karabo was sitting next to Sihle as usual. They murmured 'morning' answering, but I was already reaching for my seat in front. Zinzi was not in yet. I sat down and took my phone out, already waiting for the lecture to begin.
"Are you okay?" Sihle's voice woke me from my fantasy of wishing I was done with this lecture, just to get out of Karabo's air.
"Yeah, I am, I was going to talk to you by WhatsApp, that's why I didn't stop at your desk where your friends will be staring at me," I said, moving to a next chair so that he can sit next to me.
"Oh, you just looked not happy when passing us up there, I thought maybe I did something wrong to upset you," he said, interlocking with my hand.
"No, I'm just feeling down, its Monday, not my fault," I said, trying to put a fake smile.
"How was home anyway?"
"It was okay, my big brother was back too,"
"That's nice, he completed his PhD?"
"No, he just came back to visit,"
"Okay. Okay let me go back up, we will talk later babe," he stood up and kissed me on my cheek, "Don't feel down, month-end is not far," he whispered in my ears and then walked back up to his seat. Coming across Zinzi and they said their hi to each other.
Month-end, I have already stopped counting down. There's nothing to count down to for me except me losing him, that's my new count down, three weeks to go for Sihle to find out I am not a virgin.
"What's wrong, you okay?" Zinzi asked as she sits next to me, where Sihle was seated. Am I that visible? When I'm not okay.
"Yah I'm fine. Just tired I wish it was still school holiday," I said, lying to her.
"Oh, okay. Month-end is coming, are you ready?" she asked, bubbling.
"Ha-ha I don't know why I told you our plans, and yes I am ready, it feels like is even too far," I said, and she laughed.
"Ha-ha, and you got you to blame, you are the one who postponed it to too far,"
"I wish I hadn't, I wish we can just do it in my room, tonight, no special nothing. But Sihle won't agree,"
"Hey, lucky you, I am going to Jabu's for overnight tonight, I don't know, but I really can't wait any longer, so I think tonight will be the night for me, no hotel room for me." She said, and I was just looking at her with my mouse hanging, I could feel it.
"You guys are going to do it too?" I finally asked, realising the only way to bring my mouth back up is by talking.
"Yes, there is nothing to wait for, so why not," she said like she is confused and wants my validation.
"Yeah, you like Jabu so you must do it with him, you guys are good together," I said, supporting her.
"I know hey, so is you and Sihle. We are lucky we got nice boyfriends," she said, and I just remembered how not so lucky I was, I already did it with an asshole.
"But I thought they don't allow sleepover at Jabu's res," I wondered how she will sneak to sleep at Guys' residence.
"Yah I know, I think he's going to tip the security guard or something. I just can't wait to know how it feels. I'm excited?" she said, and I just smiled at her.
The lecturer arrived, and in no time, we were all moral kids listening to him. I sat there without trying to look back, just anything not to see Karabo. The lecturer went on and on, and I was just sitting there, ghosting.
At break time I made an excuse of going to the library to take the book which I could have done it after Chemistry, but I just didn't want to stand with Sihle and his crew. Zinzi stayed with them as she was waiting for Jabu, and I ran to the library without Sihle seeing me. I didn't want him to walk me there.
I was walking out of Geomaths library, there was still time, I had like 8 minutes left before the last half of Chemistry. It's about a minute walk from Chemistry building to Geomaths library, so I sat on the bench outside the library just to wait for time to pass.
"Do you hate me that much?" The question which disturbed my ears surprised me, and as I look, Karabo was sitting next to me on that bench. I took my earphones off and stared at him. I didn't know what to respond, I didn't know how much he meant, but I really did hate him, probably much more than he thought. "I will never tell anyone, I am sorry I ruin our friendship," he continued seeing me not saying anything. I didn't realise we had a friendship.
I never thought Karabo could be someone like that and apologise for anything, and in this case, for things which were not entirely his fault.
"It's okay Karabo, it wasn't your fault only, it was mine too," I said, embarrassed as the memory hit my head. "You could have at least called me to see how I was doing," I added and felt a little embarrassed, he is not my boyfriend; he doesn't owe me any call.
"I wanted to call you on Sunday and the whole week, but I didn't have your phone numbers, and I couldn't ask Sihle,"
"You could have tried harder to get my phone numbers,"
"I'm sorry,"
"It's cool,"
"But to be honest, I think I am the luckiest guy to be the one to, you know. Even though it wasn't on purpose, I'm glad," he boasted, and I just hated him inside. How could he say something like that? "I know it wasn't what you dreamt of. If I knew that you were still a virgin, I would not have come back to your room that day," he finished, ending up revealing his earphones lie.
"You came back knowing you wanted to fuck me, not for your earphones?" I asked him as I start fuming up, already standing up to leave his sight. How could he?
"No, I mean you did know I liked you before, even before Sihle introduced us, I liked you I just didn't get a chance to tell you, so I wanted to get a chance to talk to you when is just the two of us, but when we kissed things just led to things..." he said, standing up too. What the hell he meant by 'before Sihle introduced us'. We never knew each other before.
"You knew me before?" I asked, already skipping the part that he came back to my room.
"A bit, I remember you from Orientation week, you didn't have a map, and I gave you mine when we were wandering the campus. From then, I liked you, but when school started, the first time I saw you I thought you remembered me but you just looked at me and passed while I was about to say hi..."
"What? No, the guy who gave me the map was nice and kind, though I don't remember much about him, it wasn't you Karabo, it can't be you," I said, as my memory comes back and yes, it was Karabo. All this time Karabo looked a bit familiar, I didn't know it was the nice guy during O-week.
"Yes, it was me," he humbly said, and we just stood there, staring at each other. I didn't know what to say, and he just looked at me like he always does, like he wants me.
"Are you guys not going back to the lecture?" That was Zinzi, coming out of nowhere with Jabu. What the hell, what time is it? I thought, remembering I still have a lecture.
"Where are you going, aren't you going to the lecture?" I asked Zinzi as she comes to me wondering what I was doing with Karabo. I said hi to Jabu and after responding he stood with Karabo while Zinzi and I whispering walking further from them.
"Why are you with Karabo, standing like that?" she asked, surprised.
"I will tell you after the lecture I need to go back to class."
"Nah, you already late. But something is going on between you two, what is it?" she asked, holding me by hand.
"I lost my virginity to Karabo on Saturday after the group work," I said, and she looked at me like I killed someone. I started walking away before she could say anything to me. In distance, I heard her calling Karabo a dog and dragging Jabu leaving Karabo just standing there alone.