Shawn
Third thing I needed to get crossed of my list was to find the real Shawn Price, that I know for sure is going to take a while to accomplish . I can’t hide from myself anymore, it’s time I be real and fully open up about myself because I can’t run from my past it’ll always be there and it’ll only continue to haunt me if I’ll let it . Talking about this is really hard for me because it’s not something you would usually tell people, but at the end of the day I don’t care what anybody has to say about me I already been through it all the only persons approval I want is my mother’s . Something I’ve been craving forever and slowly starting to gain is her love for me, she’s the only person I’ve told about what I’ve been through . But it was entirely too difficult for me to tell her, it proved to me that I’m still being victimized by it . I’m tired of being held back and I’m tired of keeping this inside, I’ve been held back by this long enough and I’m tired of it . I just want to feel free, I want to be able to look into the mirror and like what I see .
I find it sad how the only person I needed to get me through my day means nothing to me now, he was suppose to be somebody that kept my best interest at heart and care for me . But he left me out in the cold to fend for myself, that’s the only thing he did right for me but his approach was all wrong . He was just like the rest of them, I thought he was better than them but he treated me all the same . Having the title of a Friend doesn’t give you the right to judge me as if you were a stranger, I thought he knew better than that . Changing my lifestyle wasn’t what he should’ve been doing, his ass should have fixed his fucked up attitude with me . Maybe if he showed a little compassion towards me he would be here today, but I don’t want anything to do with him . It’s best that we just never speak again, I’m doing entirely much better without him .
“Close your eyes and tell me what you see from that day .”
Scrunching my knees to my face I grabbed onto my ankles and closed my eyes “I see this little girl, she wants attention but no one gives it to her . One day she gets it but it’s nothing she imagines, she only goes along with it because it was all she could get .”
“Good Shawn, what does that little girl do ?”
Continuing to close my eyes I further explained “The little girl was with someone who she thought she could trust, but he lead her on to a trap of lifetime tears and hatred for herself .”
“What did this boy do to you ?”
Before I said something I could hear her writing down notes on her paper, I though going here would be a good idea but I can’t do this I don’t know this bitch and she don’t know me . This was my first and last time I try professional help .
“Touched me, his voice told me that everything was okay . I believed him, family isn’t suppose to hurt you but10 minutes of that turned into years of lies .”
“If you don’t mind me asking, how did the boy touch you and how did you feel at first ?”
My voice began to tremble as I tried to express what was on my mind, closing my eyes wasn’t easy for me because I could remember everything so easily . The vividness of the memory was so clear it only made it harder for me to speak up .
“At first I – I thought – I thought – maybe – at first – it was – I can’t – I can’t do this shit . I’m not comfortable with this at all, fuck this shit .” I opened my eyes wiping my tears away as I got off the couch leaving
Soon as I got home I didn’t see my mother there immediately sparked up a blunt before she got home, I laid there in my bed thinking about relapsing by going out tonight . I should be good right as long as I don’t get drunk or fuck somebody right ? Nah fuck it, last party I went I got beat the fuck up and can’t even remember it happening . I’ve been trying to do everything I can to stay sane inside the house, I can’t rely on my mother to open up with me every time I’m trying to control myself . I need to do this on my own, I’ve tried to go without pleasuring myself but I only got angrier with myself . I’m trying to do this without hurting myself because right now I have no other outlet . But the blunt that I was smoking, I forced it onto my arm cringing as it burned into my skin . Hearing the front door open I flicked the blunt out the window spraying perfume in the air to defuse the rest of the smell, I ran into the bathroom to run warm water the perfectly singed circle on my forearm .
“Shawn, take the garbage out .”
“Yes Ma’am .”
“What’s wrong with you ? You act like you seen a ghost .”
“Nothing, I’m fine .”
Going into the garage I grabbed the bags and lifted them down the driveway placing them in the trash can adjacent to the mailbox, looking up the street I seen Marlon walking out of his house with some girl dipping his head low into the driver side window to talk to her . Once she drove off he stood their with a smirk on his hands in his pocket then placed his eyes on me .
“Shawn .” he shouted as I turned around to go back into the house “Shawn, hold up .” he said jogging over to me, I couldn’t move anymore even if I wanted to I forced to talk to him “I been trying to get in touch with you for a month, every time I come by though you wasn’t ever home what’s been going on ?”
“Have we met before ?”
He hesitated “Very funny, seriously I been thinking about you .”
“For someone who only lives two houses away really showed me how much he’s been thinking of me .”
“Shawn I did come by to see you a couple of time, ask your mom .”
“It’s old news now, bye .”
He pulled me back by my arm “What’s your problem ?”
“Stop fucking grabbing me like that .” I winced
“How did this happen, did she do this to you ?” he asked examining my arm
I snatched away “Why ! You wouldn’t believe me I told you she did, you don’t believe shit I say !”
“Cause all you do is fucking lie, who would believe your dumbass .”
I punched him right in the face .
He got close in my face “You fucking lucky you’re a female or I would lay your ass out on this driveway .” he said then walked away
I wanted to apologize and beg for him to come back, but his ass deserved it so I’m not apologizing for shit . I stood there and I watched him walk away, even when he was out of view I just stood there and looked into nothing because I didn’t want to let go of the moment I had with someone that was only trying to talk to me that way that nobody else can .