It's nearing two in the morning and I'm lying here in my bed staring at the ceiling wide awake which is part of my new normal now, a normal that I'll never get adjusted to. It's at this time that my mind runs rampant keeping me awake. All is quiet while everyone else is asleep. There is no distractions or visits to keep my mind off of my situation or him.
As I stare up at the ceiling I see his green eye's staring back at me and I relive the old day's. The day's when the Empire was booming and he loved me. The day's where I could walk and not depend on other's. An occasional smile will touch my lips as I recall the many time's I ran from Cole as he playfully chased me calling out in his cookie monster voice "give me the cookie".
Never will I experience that again. Never will I feel my legs burn from a workout or share a dance with my husband. Had I only known what the future held I would've danced longer, ran faster, clung onto Cole tighter and always opted to stand instead of sit. Never would I have taken such a simple human function for granted. I would have counted every step and treated it as my first.
I'm also aware that Cole isn't doing well. The family tries not to discuss him when I'm near but they seem to have forgotten that my ears work perfectly. I'm crippled not deaf. In the beginning they tried to persuade me to see Cole but I refused. Eventually they gave up on badgering me about it. I'm not doing this to be cruel, I'm just not in a good place. Of course I still love my olive, more than the air I breathe and not being with him is stabbing my heart. However my biggest fear is him seeing me broke and not loving me anymore. It's easier this way. Having Cole see me like this and not loving me anymore is my highest fear. I fear that more than the fact I may never walk again. Cole's rejection would hurt far more than being in a wheelchair the rest of my life ever could.
Yes, I do rehab regularly but so far no results. Mainly that's probably my fault. As I said, I'm broken but not just physically, mentally and emotionally as well. I lack the fire that I use to possess, the want to prove other's wrong and the fight in me has been extinguished. I have no positives outlooks anymore and I'm honestly not giving it my all. Then there's those nasty thoughts I can't shake. Why put myself through all of this rehab if it might not work? Why get my hopes up and have them crash when I realize I'll never walk? My emotions are just too fragile to endure anymore let downs.
However I can't deny that I'm not curious about Cole's mental state. I hear the other's whispering about his medicine's not working, that he's in too deep this time. I feel that if I seen him I'd be able to determine what the next step for him should be. After all I've handled his medicine's, doctors and his bouts with crazy spells. I'm not saying that I'm totally right but sometimes I'm know better than the doctor's. And yes I'm sure with him thinking I'm dead has made a dramatic impact on his recovery.
For many night's now I have laid awake wondering if I should visit him while he's asleep just to make my own assessment and see if there's another alternative to his treatment. Well tonight is the night. I can no longer sit idle as I hear the other's whisper their concerns about Cole and what steps should be taken next. At this hour the building would be asleep and probably Cole as well. Normally I have help getting from my bed to my wheelchair but this is something I must do on my own. Sitting up I slung my dead weighted legs off the side of my bed. First I made sure that my wheels were locked on my chair, then using every bit of upper arm strength I had I heffted myself off of the bed into my chair. I landed a bit crooked but at least I did it. Taking a moment to adjust myself I begin to roll from my room.
The house was pitch dark and I wasn't pro yet at maneuvering around. Add my home to not being handicap friendly only made the task much more harder. The family had offered to widen the door spaces and lower my cabinets but I refused. Somehow having my home converted over to accommodate my new normal made it that much realer. However I was proud of myself at making to the door without knocking anything over.
Peeking out, I ensured that the hall's were quiet before rolling to the elevator. I would need to ride it all the way down in order to avoid the stairs that led to the Den. That put me into needing to take the long, narrow hallway to the Den. As the elevator dinged to a stop I rolled out into the dimly lit hall. At this time of night it gave off an eerie vibe and I had to shake it off. I nearly laughed as I thought how perfect this hall would be for a horror flick. Add me rolling down it in this creepy chair.
As I came to the entrance of the Den I paused. It has been a long time since I had seen this place. The last time I was here I was laying in a puddle of my own blood in my wedding dress.... Vows I never got to say... A surprise wedding to my ex husband. Tears filled my eye's as I recalled how many time's Olive had begged me to remarry him and now I wished I had. I'll never forget the look on his face as he realized that he was being brought to his very own surprise wedding. Or the look he gave me when I emerged in my dress right before the first bullet rang out and his look of love turned to terror then anger.
Thankfully I was able to slip past the few nurses that were on duty at the medical facility and make my way towards the back where Cole was being kept in a safe room. Never before had we had to use this room. The floors, walls and ceilings were padded to reduce the risk of self harm. There was no windows except for a tiny one on the door to observe him. No bed or even a mattress adorned the floor. I wasn't able to see in because I couldn't stand. Looking up I spotted the key hung on a peg by the door out of my reach. Once again using my arm strength I used the arm's of my chair to rise up. Quickly I snatched the key before collapsing back into my chair. Every so carefully I unlocked the door. The room was so dark that I couldn't see a thing. I pushed the door open a little farther to allow some light to stream in and it all happened so fast.
Suddenly my chair was jerked roughly into the room nearly tossing me out and the door slammed shut behind me. The room was filled with darkness again and I saw nothing, heard nothing. Did he run out and lock me in here or is he waiting in the dark to attack? I was too scared to speak not knowing how far gone his mind was. If he thought I was the enemy and decided to attack there would be nothing I could do in my condition. Cole would kill me.
To my far left I heard movement and looked that way which I realized my mistake all too soon. I should've known better. As one of our best trackers Cole had the ability to make it like he was on the other side of the room when in fact he was right on you. It was too late when I realized my slip up. Suddenly me along with my chair was being slung aside tossing me out onto the floor. I landed with a hard thump on my stomach and lost my breath. "Did you come to stick more needles in me? Above more medicine on me? I refuse to get better. I fucking like it here, she's here. I can see and talk to her here. I'll kill you before you take me away from her". He foamed.
I knew he meant it so I had to say something. "Olive it's me baby".
Silence then he exploded. "Is this a sick joke? Another fucked up part of my mind teasing me? Or are you trying to do me in, get rid of the crazy one?"
" No baby please, it's me. I'm alive. I was just sick for awhile but I'm back now. Please let's talk and fix this". I pleaded.
After a moment Cole clapped his hands and the light clicked on. As apart of the safe room no light switches were mounted. The lights worked by sound. I laid flat on my stomach as he stared down at me. "Don't look at me". I said ashamed.
" baby girl? " his voice cracked.
In the next instant he started screaming and pounding his fist into his head. "Fuck you mind. She's dead. She's dead. Stop fucking with me".
I managed to pull myself up in a sitting position as I used my arm's to try and drag me toward the door. "If it's really you baby girl and you're not dead or a figment of my imagination walk to me". He demanded.
My tears spilled over as I announced. "I can't walk Cole. Remember I was shot. The bullet hit my spine but I'm really alive".
" Walk to me". He boomed.
I shook my head sadly and croaked out. "I can't walk anymore" .
"Shut the fuck up with your crying and fucking walk you cry baby". He screamed at me.
Anger begin to override my sorrow and I screamed. "Fuck you Cole Butini."
In my rage I hadn't noticed that I moved my leg and was now standing on my knees. I tried to stand but collapsed. Moving back onto my knees I exhaled. "I can't" .
"Then fucking crawl to me baby girl. I'm not going to feel sorry for your lame ass. The one thing I know about my baby girl is that she hates pity or to be helped. So if it's really you you'll find a way". He growled.
Taking everything I had I begin to crawl to him. I fell a few time's and struggled with each movement as he glared down at me smugly. Finally I reached his feet and collapsed exhausted. Suddenly I was jerked up by my arms and he held me up steady in front of him. My feet curled under unable to remain flattened on the floor. If he decided to let me go I'd fall and possibly injure myself more. "Please don't let me go". I whispered.
" it's really you isn't it? " he asked.
I nodded through my tears. "I'm not going to let you go". He assured me.
" I think I like you better this way. You can never run from me again and oh the thing's I can do to you now my helpless baby girl". He grinned.
Before I could react his mouth crashed down on mine brutally. Even though I knew he was far away I knew that I caught a glimpse of my Olive in there. Suddenly the door swung open roughly and there was my Pape and Demarco. Obviously the nurse heard us and sent for them. "Set her down gently Cole". My Pape warned.
I knew then just what Cole needed to heal. "He's coming home right now and out of this place. I will watch him and take care of him. Olive let's go home" .
Cole smirked at them and lifted me up bridal style. He kicked my wheelchair out of the way as we exited the room.
Do you think Cole was too harsh with Miri?
Is bringing him home like this the best move?
Does Cole really realize the extent of Miri's condition or is his mind interfering?
Can they help each other?