There are nights in my life that are still plagued with nightmares. Sometimes I wake up sweating and crying, sometimes I'll scream myself awake. And rarely, my mind torments me to the point I have to follow through to the end. The mornings after those types of nightmares tend to not lead to much. I usually just stay in my bed for the whole day and not do anything about my life, unless really have to. Lately, though, nightmares have given me a break, and stayed on the low scale in terms of appearance and terror.
Usually, I am able to differentiate between make believe and reality. I have had to, in order to not let the fears consume me. The monster in my dreams in nothing more than a mortal man in real life. I had proved that by killing him. At times he was blonde, at times a raven, sometimes a brunette. It varied by the concept of the dream. Rarely do I ever find myself in the situation where I don't know what is real and what is fantasy. Like right now.
I had been pinching myself for the past hour, or hours or days-- who the fuck knew? Point was, it had been quite some time. I was staring at the painting that hung on the wall across the room. A bunch of naked people surrounded by snakes. I had no idea what it meant or what she intended with it, but I didn't care. I just knew she wanted me to see it. It was framed, big and centered in the wall. Katerina meant something by it, but I didn't know jack shit about art and was sick of her games.
SOME TIME AGO
"I know you said you wanted to talk and I know I agreed to it," Katerina stood in front of the door, looking at me as she spoke. She was wearing the same trench coat and boots, so it was possibly the same day. She looked calm, relaxed even. "It's all I've been going for since my first attack towards Veronica."
I felt my eyes narrow. "You mean since you attacked my parents and Giovanni. I know that was you."
Her calm expression changed slightly, showing a little confusion. Her head tilted half a centimetre and her eyebrows furrowed marginally. Her eyes fell out of focus as she blinked a few times, before gaining some composure. "Oh, yeah... yeah, yeah that was me." Her face eased back into a relaxed expression, a smile playing on her lips. "Kind of hard to keep up with everything I involve myself in nowadays. How's your mother doing, by the way? Was the baby born alright?"
I raised my head, feeling disdain. "I'm not going to speak about my mother or brother to you, Katerina. You've been bluffing and stalling and I'm growing tired of it. I came here to do business with you, not hang out. If you don't have the means or the capacity to be at my level and the level of my organization, then say so now. I have no interest in wasting my time on people who aren't worth it and don't value it."
She hung her head and took a step forward. "You're right. I have been stalling. Not too professional of me, I must admit. But just as you cannot waste your time on someone incapable, I can't risk mine on someone untrustworthy."
I scoffed, feeling amused by her way of turning it back on me. I would never show it, or openly admit it, but Katerina and I were truly on the same level. As deadly and powerful as the other. But in this world, only one number one can exist. There is no room for two at the top. "I allowed you to drug me and bring me here. If you expect me to kneel to you, I'll let you know it'll never happen."
She smiled in a way I'd dare to say was admiration. "I'd never ask you to kneel to me, or anyone for the matter. What I need to know is that you'll be able to make them kneel to you."
"They already do," I answered back. "You might think something changed by trying to turn my allies against me, but what you don't count on is their fear of me. Many of them dislike me for the way I am, for my gender, or for the way I came into the business. I am not ignorant to that. Still, they are able to rebel from afar, but the moment I show myself at their doorstep, they'll fall on their knees and lick my boots. Without a word, I can have them begging for mercy."
Katerina stepped back, grabbing onto the doorknob. She shook her head, "they're not who I mean, Anastasia. I mean make everyone kneel to you. You know, they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but I think it's the friends you keep a closer eye on. A tighter leash on. They're the ones you soften for, tell your secrets to, change the rules for. Their betrayal does the worst damage."
"Making your friends possible enemies doesn't do anything but make them real enemies. Lack of trust towards close ones creates more mistrust between all parties."
She opened the door and stepped halfway out. "Friends are a luxury that we cannot afford in this business. They hold you back. Make you weak. Before we join forces, I need to be sure you can overcome those temptations."
"To me they aren't temptations," I told her. "They're pillars."
She nodded, "then I'll have to make sure you can stand on your own." Katerina left the room, locking the door behind her. I was back to staring at the stupid painting.
NOW
There were no clocks. It has always been a thing with Mussolini's to not have clocks wherever they're keeping people captive. I was a captive. Both Katerina and I knew that. It was a matter of playing the part until one of our masks fell. Who gives in first. She took time away from me, let me go insane with the uncertainty.
I do the exact opposite. I put the clock front and center. Make sure they know of every minute and every second they are in my hold. Let them slowly lose their minds as they watch the minutes tick by, as the world continues while they are being followed by the threat of death. The fear that forms on their face at not knowing when it'll catch up with them. When it'll drag them to their last breath. When I will.
Katerina and I lived at opposite extremities of the other. We dominated the half and half. Different but equals. It was a matter of keeping the balance or letting the scale tilt until one side is down. The weight of what we carry is what keeps us walking that tight line. If one side falls, that blood spills. That throne and that crown break. That empire is gone.
The thing about being at the top is that free-falling is much easier. It hurts more and it's harder to recover. People never want to be the second or the third. They want to be the first. The second you fall to the bottom, everyone steps on you to raise themselves to the top. For far too long the Mussolini's and Bianchi's have fought for the top spot. Even without the clock I can feel death following around. I just don't know which one it's targeting. That's scarier than both of us.
I stilled at a the sound of the doorknob turning. I sat up in the bed, staring right at the door. Blonde hair appeared, revealing Katerina now in a ponytail. She smiled broadly at me, raising her eyebrows almost playfully. "Hey, Lady Devil."
Fuck. I haven't heard that name in so long. I do the jobs Lady Devil is asked to do, but haven't been addressed as her in a long time. The rush of adrenaline and raw panic that washed over me felt overwhelming.
"You ready to stop wasting my time?"
"Yup," she grinned. It didn't look malevolent, just... excited. "Bring it in, boys!" She snapped her fingers and stepped to the side.
The confusion I felt came too fast to conceal. I stared as the door opened wider and a tall man walked backwards inside. Quickly, the confusion turned to dread.
I got off the the bed, not being able to walk further. "W-What is this?" I stared at Katerina, my hands shaking. "What are you doing?"
She signaled for the man to step back as she stood next to Nicolas, grabbing him by his hair and pulling his head towards her. "Kneel," she whispered into his ear, kissing it lightly after.
Nicolas stared back at me as he gritted his teeth. "No."
Katerina looked at me as I stared at him. Her grin grew, her hand tightening around his hair. "Adorable." She looked delighted.
I watched as she took a step back and kicked the back of his legs individually, forcing him to fall onto his knees in front of me. She clicked her tongue at him, walking in front. Grabbing his hair again, she pulled his head back to look at her. "When a lady asks you to kneel before her, you do as told. Especially a lady with the power to cut you open."
He looked at her mockingly. Nicolas was rarely one to give in despite the pain. "I only see one lady, and it ain't you."
I, however, am not as resistant as him. "I'm guessing this is what you meant by forcing me to stand on my own? Bringing in him."
She turned to me, ponytail hitting Nicolas in the face. "Yes! This is what I meant." She stood up and faced me. With a single flick of her wrist, the men that brought Nicolas in, forced him to his feet. "Anastasia Rios Bianchi and Nicolas Alfonsi are, like, the celebrity couple of the underworld. Everyone knows when you are together or apart. Everyone also knows you're much calmer when you are with him. Less ruthless."
I shook my head at her, smiling to myself. "That isn't true. He doesn't influence what I do or how I behave. Nicolas Alfonsi is nothing more than my lover. Business is business. I don't mix the two."
Her eyes narrowed at me, looking back at Nicolas. "Hmm, I don't believe you. I tell you what, Ana. Make him kneel."
I scoffed. "This is not how this is going to go, Katerina. You will not be bossing me around."
"Riddle me this. Love, hate or passion. Which one is stronger?"
"They're the same," I answered, deciding to humor her. "Love and hate are passionate emotions. Not one is more powerful than the other. They blur between each other. They're indistinct and both as dangerous."
She smiled slyly, "gosh, you're awesome. But, then, how do you know when it's love or hate?"
"You don't. Passion is too strong to handle. When you love, you hate and when you hate, you love. They have a mutually beneficial relationship. One can't exist without the other and both succeed while being present."
"Then, how do you know if you love him?" She pointed at Nicolas. "That you don't hate him? That you're not just addicted to the strong feeling of passion?"
"I am," I agreed.
"What?" She cocked her head.
"I am addicted to the feeling of passion," I laughed. "People don't just love a person to love them. Love is as selfish and perverse as hate. I benefit from the feeling of love he gives me as he does from me. It's a give and take. What I feel with him is so addicting and strong, that if you kill him, I'll kill you."
She smiled that gotcha smile. "So you'd hate me. Thus, actually loving me as well. If I kill him, your strong passionate feelings for him will go to me. You're just looking for a way to feel, like everyone else. Why not kill him, feel the passionate emotion that his death will leave behind and use it to become the strongest leader alongside me? We could rule the world, Anastasia Rios Bianchi. He's just holding you back."
"He pushes me forward," I stepped forward. The threat of death felt closer. It jumped around and around the both of us.
"You said he was a pillar." Katerina stepped back. "But I say you're using him more as a crutch. Learn to stand on your own, Lady Devil."
"He's not a crutch, he's a railing. I choose to lean on him, but I don't have to."
"Then, don't. You're stronger without him. Rely on yourself."
"I choose to. I want to. I'm as strong with him as I am without him. That's why I enjoy the luxury of a railing. Because I do fine with or without it." I stepped forward. "But you..."
For the first time, her face hardened. "I what?"
"You sound like you have to be alone." I laughed softly. "You choose not to be with others not because it makes you stronger, but because you turn those at your sides into your crutches. You're not strong enough, are you? Because if you were, you'd stand just as tall with someone by your side."
"Don't test me," she warned. Bingo. Her mask had fallen. She gave in.
I laughed louder. "Or what? You're gonna kill me? Your only chance at being seen as stronger? You rode on my reputation by trying to make yourself seem tougher, Katerina. You're desperate because people are starting to realize you aren't a match for your father. Who would have thought? A daddy's girl who is nothing without her daddy. Tell me, do you love or hate me for taking him away from you? Or maybe because, in the end, he loved me more than he did you?"
Her eyes spelled murder at me as she stepped away. "I don't know. You tell me if you'll love or hate the person who kills the ones you're passionate about. And if this one," she grabbed him by the hair again, pressing one of the men's guns to his face, "isn't enough, I have a few more to test out. Like, for example, the twin."
I stepped forward, but one of the men pushed me back into the bed. When I tried to get back up, he punched me in the gut, followed by the face. It got me to stay still until he walked away. "I'll kill you, Katerina."
She smirked, "not if I kill you first."
"They have nothing to do with this!" The panic in my tone revealed the lack of control I had.
"Oh, but they do." She pulled his hair harder. "This one and his sister have been riding on dumb luck. They were supposed to die along with their parents, just like father planned it. I'll make sure to honor his wishes."
"I'll tear you to pieces." I felt the throbbing on my face every time I spoke.
"That won't save them." Her men blocked my path as she dragged Nicolas out of the room. "I'll empty my clip into their faces!"
"I'll be okay!" He yelled as she took him away. "I love you! I'll be okay!"
I tried attacking the men to no avail as the adrenaline from the panic shot through my body. I kicked and punched and only received them back. My body was bloody and painful by the time they had stepped away. Tears stung my eyes and the little cuts that were on my face. I fell to the ground, gripping the carpet as I sobbed at nothing.
My mask had fallen. I gave in.
I sucked in all the air in the room, lodging it in my throat when a bullet rang out. My entire body paralyzed at the sound. At the second bullet, I jumped to my feet and banged on the door helplessly. Kicking and punching the wood until my knuckles bled. When the third one pierced the air, I screamed as loud as my body let me. It ripped my throat apart and hurt my ears as I let it out. My heart bled in spurts, staining my ribs one by one. My lungs exploded, releasing all the air inside my like a blowing can of gas. Shards of nothing cut me open. Then came the sound of the fourth and the fifth and the sixth and the...