My superpower of choice would be the ability to fly.
We have been on the plane for almost four hours now and I still cannot get enough of looking out the window.
This is amazing!
I had to be a bit patient until I could finally see anything, because it was still dark when the plane took off. But seeing the city lights from above right after take-off was also very exciting. It made me forget that we had to get up at 4:30am to catch the first flight out of Chicago, which was around 7am.
And now that it is finally daylight, the view is simply spectacular. The world looks so peaceful from up above, and everything is incredibly tiny. You can barely recognize any buildings from so high up, but the wide plains, the rivers and the mountains more than make up for it.
I am mesmerized, and pretty much speechless.
Maybe the latter is not only because of the breath-taking views but also due to my impending reunion with the rest of my family. I am not sure if I am ready for that. Of course, I have missed most of them and part of me cannot wait to see them again, mainly Alex. But the other part of me is scared to bits of how it will go and what they will say. I wish I could put this meeting off for a bit longer.
It sure doesn't help that Will cornered me shortly before he left for his own trip home and forced me to look at our family chat, as he had intended to do all along. If I had been feeling guilty before, seeing how truly worried and panicky my family reacted when they couldn't find me anywhere, when they couldn't even get hold of me, made me feel a million times worse.
But the worst thing weren't the numerous messages on the family chat. Although it appeared as if they were getting more anxious with every additional text, it was nothing compared to the frantic messages that I received from them individually.
It ranged from shouting at me via WhatsApp (Aidan, Josh, Will) and cautious questions asking about my well-being (Ben, Jack, Sam) to pleading texts (Noah) and eventually climaxed in guilt-ridden, self-incriminating voicemails bordering on desperation (Jordan, Alex, Sean). The last ones were the hardest to listen to and parts of them are still playing on repeat in my head, even a week later.
I have apparently left quite an impression with my eldest brothers when I confronted them with my discoveries that resulted in our family meeting, because they were literally beating themselves up over whether how they reacted then had been wrong and what they could have done differently. And there I had been thinking that I was the only one who was constantly musing over everything that was said during and after that meanwhile infamous meeting. It looks like it has had just as big an impact on my brothers. Hearing them say so in their messages to me, asking for forgiveness for what they said and maybe didn't say, for possibly hurting me with their reactions or lack thereof, was almost unbearable. I think the guys have never shown their emotions so openly towards me before.
However, that fact does not make me happy at all. Instead, it makes me question every single decision I have made since I started this "investigation" into my family's past. I still believe that I have a right to know about our family history, just as much as Noah and Aidan do, but I am starting to wonder at what price it will come if I keep digging deeper and continue pushing on.
"You gotta blink every now and then, ya know?" Sean remarks, nudging my shoulder.
"But it's so beautiful!" I gush as I continue to stare outside, my nose almost pressed against the tiny, oval window.
Sean has been forced into the middle seat. After complaining about it initially – I think he only did it because that is what is probably expected of someone who is giving up their clearly superior seat – he admittedly has been a very decent seat neighbour. I can definitely think of worse brothers to sit next to for an extended period of time in such a tight space.
I had initially been assigned the seat in between the two guys because they logically argued that I was the smallest and it would be most comfortable for everybody if I sat there. I quickly reminded them that I had never before been on a plane and wanted to look outside. I didn't even have to get out my infamous puppy dog look to convince Sean, who had the window seat, to switch with me. Jordan had claimed the aisle seat for himself so he could occasionally stretch out his long legs to keep them from cramping in the small space.
He told me that he normally books a seat with more leg room, but since it was all a bit last minute, these seats were not available anymore. Actually, it is only due to a very friendly woman who willingly switched seats with Jordan after he asked her, that the three of us are even sitting all together in one row. She is now two rows further up on the other side of the aisle and keeps glancing back at my brother. I think she even winked at him once and I don't even want to know what kind of encouraging looks he most likely sent back to her, because she is totally his type.
"I know. I love watching the earth from above, too," Sean says, sounding a bit contemplative.
He probably regrets letting me have the window seat.
"Do you want to switch back?" I ask, hoping that he will say no.
Sean snakes his arm around my shoulders and briefly hugs me against him. He lets go of me after pressing a quick kiss on top of my hair.
"I'm gonna miss having you around," he murmurs randomly.
"You said you'll stay until after New Year's. That's still more than a week," I remind him. "By then, you'll be glad to get a break from me."
And that is probably true, too. I don't remember when we last spent a whole week together. It must have been on one of our skiing trips in winter. But we have never spent that much time just the two of us. Well, three, with Jordan there. Had there not been that guilty conscience slowly eating away at me, it could easily have been the most amazing week of my whole life.
"True. But it won't be the same, what with you stuck in your room all day long."
I immediately stiffen at Sean's words. The extent of my punishment for running away has still not been revealed to me, even after talking twice to Alex in the past week. Well, it was more of a one-sided conversation really, with him doing most of the talking.
He called on Wednesday and again on Saturday on Sean's phone to find out how I was doing and to hear what we had been up to. I was apprehensive to answer this, because it sounded a bit like a trick question. Jordan had implied that I was expected to stay away from fun after that last day together with Will, and I was not planning on selling out my two favourite brothers to Alex, since they had very obviously struggled with sticking to that concept. We have had tons of fun, the three of us, all week. But I would never admit that out loud to anyone outside our tight-knit circle.
Alex was very sweet though, and very patient with me, too, since I was the opposite of my usual talkative self. At least I said more to him than on that first day when I remained completely silent. And he didn't push me, either. I politely answered a few of his standard questions and successfully avoided to give straight answers to those that I thought would result in a reminder that I wasn't supposed to have fun during my week away from home.
"You could keep me company in my room to save me from dying of boredom," I suggest hopefully.
Without electronics and without seeing my friends plus being stuck within the tight four walls of my bedroom, which is the likeliest scenario for my punishment, this Christmas holiday will undoubtedly be remembered as the most mind-numbing ever. And if Will's prediction is anything to go by, it might not be much different in a year's time.
"Not sure if visiting the prisoner for an extended period of time will be allowed," Jordan throws in his two cents.
I finally turn away from the marvellous views so I can glare at him. I certainly don't appreciate these two reminding me of my impending doom.
"Can you, like, not?" I growl at him.
Jordan quirks an eyebrow and gives me a look that he probably believes to be innocent.
"What? I am only trying to manage your expectations," he defends himself.
"Well, don't. – Please," I add, batting my eyelashes at him.
I figure that I will need some people on my side once we reunite with the rest of them, so I better don't antagonize him too much.
"Aww, you're so cute when you're trying and failing to hide your true feelings," Sean laughs.
He reaches up and purposely ruffles my hair, knowing fully well that this is the one thing that annoys me the most. I bite my tongue and try to maintain a neutral, unbothered look.
"Wow, I think you're right, little bro. She looks a lot like someone who is trying very hard to build some alliances before she goes into battle," Jordan smirks.
"Not a battle. More like going to court to be told my sentence," I whisper.
And to face the person who has been nothing but kind to me, looks after me, raises me and provides me with a safe and loving home.
I don't know yet how I will survive my encounter with Alex. It is very likely that it will break me. Only imagining what it will feel like when he fixes me with one of his intense looks makes me want to crumble. It will be horrible – and I deserve no better, for what I have done.
"Don't worry, sweetheart, we'll put a good word in for you. Maybe that will be considered in mitigation. You've been nothing but well-behaved during the past week. You did all your schoolwork, on time and without complaint. You volunteered at my workplace, which everybody there appreciated a lot, and you did all the necessary chores in my apartment. On top of that, you were in bed each night at 8:30pm," Sean recounts, holding up a finger for each "achievement" of mine. "I think that is what is generally considered good conduct and what might lead to earlier dismissal."
"You sound like Josh," I accuse him, rolling my eyes.
"You should get him as an ally as well then. He could plead your case," Sean suggest with a laugh.
"Yeah, I don't think so," Jordan mutters, more to himself.
This sounds vaguely troubling and I wonder if Josh is still mad at me for running away. He certainly sent me a lot of messages that sounded anything but happy. He also didn't leave me any heartfelt voicemails, like most of the others did, with the exception of Will and Aidan, of course. Actually, thinking about it, in total there were only three voicemails from Josh on my phone and they all demanded in no uncertain terms that I should immediately get in contact with either him or Alex.
After Will had let them know that I was with him, Josh became strangely silent. No additional voicemails, no new messages, nothing. I mean, it kinda makes sense, because by then even the slowest of them must have figured out that I had turned off my phone and wouldn't reply.
So why send messages and call if they don't reach the recipient?
But in hindsight, it is kind of disturbing to think that he might have been so pissed off with my stunt that he decided to not check in with me anymore. In direct comparison, Sean kept sending me good morning and good night messages, knowing fully well that I would most likely not see them. But he kept up his tradition and it made me happy to find those texts amongst the thousands of messages once I got my phone back.
My friends have been busy trying to get hold of me, too. Gracie was frantic, to put it lightly, and at least two hundred messages were from her. Not only did she send me worried texts but she also painted quite a lively picture of what was going on in my house. She was one of the first people that Alex got in contact with when he realized that I had disappeared and she apparently spent all of Friday night at our place, together with her mom, waiting for a sign from me.
I think if I had been able to read her messages while we were in the cave, I would not have considered going to Chicago. I would have hurried home immediately. Because her very detailed recounts of my brothers' reactions and of how she perceived their feelings in this whole mess sure hit home when I read them. I doubt that I would have been able to ignore this and just turn my back on my family like I did. I simply couldn't have done it, knowing what I know now.
The sound of the flight attendant using the intercom to announce that we are preparing for landing brings me out of my thoughts. We are expected to touch down in San Francisco in less than twenty minutes.
Sean makes sure that my seat is in an upright position and then double-checks that I am indeed wearing my seatbelt, acting all overbearing, which is kind of sweet. I will revel in any acts of kindness that I receive from my brothers right now because they are likely to be few and far between once we are back on solid ground.
"Everything okay?" he asks me when I grab his hand.
"Yeah," I reply unconvincingly.
"Don't tell me you're afraid of landing," Sean smirks.
"Of course not. I love flying and everything that goes with it," I claim.
"Good. Anything else would have surprised me, after how gutsy you were at Six Flags."
A smile ghosts my lips at those memories. It feels like my incredibly awesome birthday was years ago, not just three and a half months. So much has happened since. Too much.
"It'll be fine, you know?"
Sean, once again, seems to read my mind. He must have noticed that I am not worried about anything flight related but that my imminent reunion with Alex is stressing me out.
"Not so sure about that," I admit quietly.
He squeezes my hand encouragingly.
"I promise that we won't let them kill you," he points at Jordan and himself. "It may get a bit uncomfortable and there might be some yelling, but you'll survive that. It's not like you've never been yelled at before."
He reaches up and pushes a few strands of my hair behind my ear. I feel tears prick in the corners of my eyes at this gentle gesture.
It is not so much the yelling that I am afraid of. That is something that will go away once they have gotten it out of their systems. Neither the punishment. What I am most worried about is everything that they might not say, or the looks of disappointment. The trust issues that Jordan mentioned last week. Maybe even the hurt in their eyes, depending on how well they can or even attempt to mask that.
"You'll have three more hours to prepare," Jordan butts in, obviously having been listening.
"Why?" I ask, confused.
"We'll have to get on the train first. Or did you think someone was going to drive all this way just to pick us up?"
I haven't been thinking about this at all, up until now. I guess I just assumed that Alex would literally stand there once we get off the plane. I hadn't considered that we might not see him for another few hours.
I honestly don't know how to feel about that. I am partially relieved that I don't have to deal with him straight away, and partially disappointed that our reunion will be dragged out for another while. After all, I have missed him and I urgently need one of his hugs, despite everything.
"Okay," I mutter absentmindedly.
Jordan reaches across Sean and puts his hand on top of mine, which is still holding tightly onto Sean's. He pats it gently and gives me a small smile when I glance at him.
"Stop worrying so much, pumpkin. It's Christmas Eve!" he fake-cheers, comically wriggling his eyebrows.
Despite myself, I let out a giggle at his antics. I didn't even know that he knew how to pull such a face. Acting like this is very un-Jordan-like and it immediately puts my spidey senses on high alert.
While my brother has a good sense of humour, he is not known to act overly dramatic or silly or make an idiot out of himself for the sake of cheering someone up. There are others in our family whose personalities are way goofier than his, with Sean, Luke and partially Noah leading the field. But Jordan is way too much of cool guy for this kind of behaviour and it doesn't really suit him at all, so this is weird.
"Here we go," Sean says as they announce our imminent landing.
Jordan gives my hand a final pat and then settles back into his seat. Sean pulls his hand out from underneath mine and then puts it on top. It instantly calms my frazzled nerves. I lean over and resume my earlier position, with my nose almost pressed against the plane's window so that I don't miss anything that is going on out there while the plane touches down.
Home, sweet home. Here I come.
*******
"Oh my god, Lils, and you should see the Christmas tree! It is freaking awesome! It is the biggest we've had yet, I swear!" Noah exclaims, almost bursting with excitement.
I smile politely at him while inwardly my gut wrenches.
They got the Christmas tree without me?
There hasn't ever been a Christmas where I was not part of our tree buying ritual and to think that I missed out this year makes me sad. I know I shouldn't feel that way since it is my own fault that I wasn't here when they went out to choose a tree. Also, there is nothing that says that I am entitled to demand to be part of said tradition, so there is no point dwelling on it. I brought this upon myself.
But although I know that it is silly to be upset about something like this, I cannot help feeling sad and slightly hurt about it. Ever since we stepped off that plane, my emotions have been all over the place. Now I am barely holding it together. It won't take much to push me over the edge and I don't even want to imagine what kind of drama would unfold if that happens.
It sure hasn't worked in favour of my already tumultuous state of mind when we came face to face with Noah and Sam when we walked into the arrivals hall. My youngest brother had even gone so far to paint a sign with our names on it – mine about three times as big as those of my brothers.
Way to embarrass us!
As it turns out, Noah had been nagging Sam all day yesterday until he finally gave in and agreed to drive him all the way up to the airport in San Francisco just to pick us up. According to Noah, he needed a break from the frantic Christmas preparations at home, but if Sam is to be believed, Noah was actually so anxious to see us that he didn't want to wait until we finally made it home by train.
After Sam called him out like this, Noah was quick to admit that he had, indeed, missed me a lot. This was not the first time today where I struggled to keep my tears at bay and I fear that more of these moments are to come. To hear him say out loud that he missed me is incredibly heart-warming and also very refreshing. My teenage brothers are not usually very vocal about their feelings towards me – unless it entails negative sentiments and ends in fights, of course. Noah and I even shared a hug, something that literally never happens, well, apart from that one incident in the attic.
"Did you already decorate it?" I ask although I am dreading to hear the answer.
"Yeah, we did everything yesterday," Noah says. "It was quite a mess, too, as you can imagine. Aidan and Jack almost got into a fist fight because neither wanted to admit that they were both absolute shit at untangling the Christmas lights. It was fucking hilarious."
"Noah," Sam growls from the driver's seat.
This causes both of us to laugh. It is usually Alex scolding us for bad language. Ben and Josh are not too happy if we swear, either, and they like to remind us, too. But whenever one of the other guys tries to act all parental on us with regards to swearing, we simply cannot take it seriously.
"Chill, Sam. I think that ship has sailed a long time ago," Sean chuckles.
He reaches across me and pulls Noah into a headlock, almost crushing me in the process.
"Hey!" I complain and try to unlock Sean's grip from Noah's neck.
I hate sitting in the middle. And of course that is the seat I was assigned when we got into the car. Nothing new there. Jordan claimed the passenger seat and it was obvious that Sean would not sit in the middle if he already had to share the back with us kids. Noah was quick to shove me into the middle of the backseat before climbing in after me.
I watch with amusement as Sean rubs his knuckles on top of Noah's head, making him call out in discomfort before he lets go of him. Noah quickly sits up and scrambles to his side of the backseat. He presses himself against the door to put as much distance as possible between himself and Sean, clearly fearing to be attacked again.
"You're such a bully," he spits out, but when I look at him, I find his eyes sparkling mischievously.
He clearly didn't just miss me, but Sean, too.
Which is totally understandable. Sean is the most easy-going out of our adult brothers and I know for a fact that Noah loves to spend time with him. He doesn't look up to him like he does with Sam, who, for whatever reason, seems to be his role model or something, but he always revels in any attention he gets from Sean. It is kind of cute to watch.
"Wanna say that again?" Sean threatens lightly.
He turns in his seat and shuffles a bit closer, pretending to get ready to pounce on Noah again. I put my hands up and shove him back to his side. Or try to, more like it.
"If you want to fight, switch seats with me first," I tell him firmly. "I don't fancy getting into the middle of you two big babies."
"Yeah, kids, behave. And listen to your sister," Jordan says from the front, shaking his head.
"Thank you!" I beam at him.
It doesn't happen very often that anyone listens to me. At least not when they're in a weird, teasing mood like right now.
"How was Chicago, Lily? Did you like it?" Sam asks me.
Is it strange that it bothers me that he is calling me Lily?
I find it rather irritating that my brothers hardly ever call me by my name but use their nicknames for me instead. But right now, my radar is very finely tuned to pick up on any kind of odd behaviour from them, trying to read the signs on whether they might be mad at me or not. Sam calling me Lily immediately puts me on high alert.
I let my mind wander back to when he greeted me no more than half an hour ago, trying to remember of anything seemed off about how he acted around me. Nothing struck me as weird then. So maybe I am just imagining things because I am so anxious about this whole situation.
"It was pretty cool. Very big and a bit scary, too," I answer. "Have you ever been there?"
I have no idea if any of my brothers ever went to visit Sean. Or took a trip to Chicago for any other reason.
"A few times, yeah. When I was playing college football," Sam replies.
That makes sense and I feel a bit stupid for forgetting that. When Sam was playing in college, he got to travel around the whole country. Of course he would have been to Chicago.
"I wanna come visit you sometime, too," Noah pipes up.
"Only if you behave," Sean throws back at him with a grin.
"Well, Lily didn't behave – at all – and she got to visit you, didn't she?"
"Yeah, but that wasn't exactly a reward for her behaving badly. She just showed up unannounced," Sean sort of defends me. "Plus, she was on her best behaviour all week. That's all I'm asking for."
"Best behaviour, my ass," Sam snorts from the driver's seat.
Against my better judgement, I kick his seat for that remark.
"Really, Lily? Are you sure you wanna go there?" Sam chastises me.
"Well, don't question my behaviour then!" I hiss angrily.
My nerves are already frazzled as it is and I don't need Sam to point out my bad decisions.
"Sorry, but your behaviour sure has been a bit questionable as of late," he reminds me in a kind of icy tone.
Why did he even bother to come pick us up if he is angry with me?
If this is an indication of how my reunion with my other brothers is going to go, I need to come up with a plan to disappear in my room as soon as we get home so that I don't have to face them. I don't think I can handle having three or more – if Jack and Luke have something to say to me, too – of these passive aggressive conversations today.
"Just say it already," I challenge him, despite myself.
Might as well get one of these awkward conversations out of the way.
"What?" Sam gives me a bemused look via the rear-view mirror.
At the same time, Sean nudges me with his shoulder and shakes his head when I glance at him.
"Tell me that I am the most horrible sister for what I did, that running away was beyond stupid and that you are very disappointed in me and angry at what I did," I bite out.
"That's not what was on my mind just now. And it looks like you are already beating yourself up plenty about it. No need for me to add to that," Sam says, sounding very reasonable and sincere.
Not at all what I have been expecting.
"So why did you say just now...," I start but Sam interrupts me.
"I am sorry, okay? I didn't mean for it to sound like an accusation when I said that about your behaviour. Yes, I did question your actions once we found out that you were safe and I could stop worrying about your well-being. And I still have a few questions that I hope to get an answer for at some point. But that doesn't have to be right now. I am just glad to have you back. Although it was nice and quiet in the house for the past week, what with you and Aidan not constantly being at each other's throats, I did really miss you, squirt."
And there it is, that dreaded but at the same time secretly loved nickname of his. My heart jumps with joy and when our eyes meet once again in the rear-view mirror, it reassures me that Sam is speaking the truth. He is not angry with me. Maybe a bit disappointed and confused, but that is to be expected. I will try my best to explain it to him at some point and to make it up to him.
"I missed you, too," I reply honestly.
"And I am super happy that you're back, too, Lils!" Noah exclaims, grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly. "It was so weird without you there!"
I turn my head and give him a wide smile at that heartfelt confession.
"It was weird for me, too, not being at home with you guys," I admit quietly.
"And I'm so glad that you're okay. You look still the same, as far as I can tell," he rambles on.
"Noah, I was only gone for a week," I laugh at his weird statement. "How could I possibly not look the same anymore?"
"Will said you considered dying your hair black!" Noah snorts.
I smile at the thought of Will. Although it has only been a week since he left Chicago, I kinda missed him. That has never happened before. I have often gone weeks without really seeing him, let alone speaking to him, if you don't consider the odd grunt when he passed me in the hallway or something. But now, after I spent almost three days exclusively in his presence, it feels weird that I haven't spoken to him in so long.
"He said it was either cutting it off or dying it black since we had to fly under the radar," I giggle at the memory. "Eventually, we decided to take the risk and left it as it was."
"I'm glad you didn't dye your hair. I think you would look horrible with black hair," Noah ever so charmingly claims. "Although, I don't know, but that jacket is also kind of...hideous. Where did you even get that from? I don't remember ever seeing it."
I glance down at myself and sigh. Yeah, I am still stuck with that puke-inducing pink item. Jordan didn't pack a jacket for me and I cannot quite shake the suspicion that he did it on purpose. I would not put it past my brothers to deliberately make me suffer through wearing that ugly jacket all week just to teach me a lesson.
"It was a...gift from Will," I mutter self-consciously.
Will actually had a field day with that atrocity when we were at the ice rink. I was convinced that people were giving me strange looks and way too much attention because of it and he loved just how awkward it made me feel. Sean tried to make me believe that people were staring at me because they thought I was gorgeous – and Jordan was convinced that it was because of who I was with and not what I was wearing. I swear, that guy is in a league of his own when it comes to being conceited. If I weren't used to it by now, it would be rather off-putting.
The only thing that kind of made up for my pain was the fact that Will sucked at ice skating. Like, literally. I never went skating with him before and now I know why. He eventually admitted that he had only done this once before and considering how bad he was at it, I didn't need to ask why that was. It was hilarious to watch him fall on his ass over and over again. Poetic justice at its best.
"Gosh, you must have really pissed him off for him to do this to you!" Noah bursts out laughing, bringing me back out of my thoughts. "You look like walking cotton candy!"
"That is very kind of you, Noah," I reply, giving him a fake-sweet smile for his troubles.
I decide not to mention the phone that I destroyed. If Will hasn't told them yet, it is not my place to do so. There is no need to add fuel to the fire with regards to Sam's view that my behaviour has been a bit questionable lately.
"So, are we going to have our regular Christmas Eve Celebration tonight?" I ask no one in particular, hoping to get the attention away from me and, even more importantly, my involuntarily dreadful fashions sense.
"Oh, yes, and it's gonna be awesome!" Noah shouts happily before launching into a detailed description of what they have planned for tonight.
I lean my head against the backrest and listen intently to his excited ramblings.
Despite everything, I am looking forward to getting home.
******
My nerves are on edge as Sam pulls the car into our street.
Sean puts a hand on my knee in a vain attempt to calm me down. I only now notice that I have been bouncing my leg and I quickly stop it. It is very unlike me to act so jittery. But this is not a normal situation. I have never before returned home after being gone for a week. Not to mention the reasons and the story behind my disappearance.
If I could, I would turn back time and revisit that moment where I made the decision to run away. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have even considered doing it.
This is going to be a disaster.
"There's nothing to be nervous about," Sean assures me quietly.
I mutter something unintelligible in return, unable to form a proper sentence. The thoughts in my head are going a mile an hour as I am trying to anticipate how this reunion is going to go.
Will Alex give me that hug I so desperately long for?
Is Josh still going to be as angry as he sounded in those text messages?
What will Ben's reaction be?
Where does Jack stand with all this?
Am I going to get into a fight with Aidan the moment we see each other or will things be awkward?
Is Luke gonna be there, too?
"Earth to Lily," Jordan's voice pulls out of my mind and back to the presence.
I realize that we have reached our destination. Everybody has already left the car, I am the only one still inside it. Jordan is standing by the door to the backseat on the side where Sean was sitting only a minute ago, leaning inside the car with his hands on the roof. We lock eyes and he gives me an encouraging smile.
"Come on, get out of the car," he orders.
"I don't wanna," I whine childishly.
"You're not gonna make this any easier if you procrastinate."
I hate to admit it, but he is right about that, of course.
"They hate me for what I've done," I state sadly.
"Nobody hates you, kiddo. We have been over this, haven't we? They're just glad to have you back and that you're still in one piece."
I scrutinize him closely as he says that, looking for any signs that he might just be saying this to make me feel better. Jordan sighs and reaches his hand out towards me.
"Stop fretting. There's no need for that. Everybody's waiting. Come on," he repeats, beckoning me closer with his outstretched hand.
"Everybody?" I squeak.
I was secretly hoping that they are not all going to be home when we get here. Inwardly, I was trying to make myself believe that maybe Alex might even still be at work, seeing as he doesn't have a regular schedule and for him to be working on Christmas Eve would not be too surprising.
"Well, I don't know that for sure, obviously, since I haven't been inside yet. But I'd think they'd have made an effort to welcome you back home," Jordan corrects himself.
I hear a commotion from outside and shift in my seat to catch a glimpse of what is going on past Jordan's wide shoulders. My heart starts to beat really fast when I recognize Alex by the front door. He is just about getting out of an embrace that he shared with Sean.
He is smiling.
A wave of relief washes over me. If he can smile at Sean like this, maybe his mood isn't too bad and he won't yell the moment he sets his eyes on me.
"Lily, if you don't get your tiny ass out of this car right now, I will have to do it for you," Jordan threatens me. "And don't think for a moment that I won't!"
I know that he is not kidding and that he will not hesitate to manhandle me out of the backseat if I continue to be stubborn. So I quickly shuffle towards the door. Jordan takes a step aside to allow me to get out and I slip out under his arm. But two steps is as far as I go. Then I stay rooted to the same spot, anxiously focusing at the entrance to our house where quite a few people have gathered by now. Jordan shuts the door and lets out another sigh. He puts his big hands on my shoulders from behind and not so gently pushes me towards the house.
"I'll be right behind you, pumpkin. Stop worrying. You're gonna give yourself a heart attack," he chuckles.
I stumble a bit when I want to slow down but my brother keeps shoving me towards the small group of people near the front door. Apart from Alex, I recognize Ben and Jack. Hannah is there, too, with Sam having his arm around her. No sign of Josh, or Aidan, which is just as well. I know that it is wishful thinking, but maybe he did get grounded and is stuck in his room for hitting Finn, after all.
"I'm delivering the prisoner," Jordan announces as we get closer.
Really, Jordan?
Way to rub salt into the wounds.
I have to suppress the urge to kick him in the shin for that unnecessary and rather insensitive remark. I never had him down as somebody who enjoys to gloat if other people are in trouble. Not so sure that I like this new side to him, on top of how strict he acted towards me when he got to Chicago.
We come to a stop a couple of yards in front of my family and I am grateful that Jordan is considerate enough not to push me any further but to let me do this in my own time. My instinct tells me to focus my eyes at the ground to avoid looking at anyone, but I know that this will only make things worse, so I brace myself for what is to come and slowly lift my head.
Then I am being tackled unexpectedly and the force almost brings me to my knees.
"Lily, oh my god! I missed you so, so, so much! Never do this to me again!" Gracie yells right into my ear as she squeezes me so hard that I struggle to breathe.
My arms automatically come around her and we hug each other like there is no tomorrow. A massive weight literally falls off me as I hold my best friend close. Seeing her here is definitely a surprise. From the messages she sent me, I wasn't so sure whether she would be mad at me, but from her reaction right now I guess it is safe to say that we are good. And having Gracie here is definitely a very welcome distraction. The ally I have been looking for.
My brothers won't kill me if she is here to witness it, right?
"I missed you, too, Gracie," I tell her sincerely and squeeze her once more.
"You've got to tell me everything!" she insists as she hugs me against herself.
"I promise, I will. But you might have to be a bit patient. I doubt that I'll be allowed to hang out with you and the others for a while."
"You can tell me tonight," she insists.
I pull back a bit and give her a questioning look.
"Tonight?" I repeat.
She nods and gives me a wide smile.
"Yeah. Alex invited me and my mom over to join you for your infamous Christmas Eve drinks," she explains excitedly.
Huh?
That sure comes unexpected. It is a tradition in our house that we light a fire in the fire pit in our garden and cook mulled wine on it – non-alcoholic, of course, and then the older guys add rum to it. But so far, it has always been strictly family only, no friends were ever invited.
Why would they make an exception this year, of all years?
I am completely confused because I am sure that the last thing I deserve right now is special treatment. And having Gracie over for our traditional Christmas Eve Celebration sure does sound like special treatment to me.
"T-that sounds great," I stammer, completely overwhelmed by the news.
"I know, right? I was quite shocked, too, when he agreed."
"Agreed?"
"Yeah. I asked him if I could come over tonight because we hadn't seen each other in over a week and I had really missed you, just like they did. I might have laid it on pretty thick, I give you that, but I didn't exactly expect him to agree, anyway, so I thought, well, it can't hurt. And then it worked!"
Gracie is clearly proud of her achievement and her enthusiasm is contagious because I find myself grinning like a silly person when it all sinks in.
"Okay, that's enough, young lady," Karen, Gracie's mom, interrupts and then continues to scold her daughter: "Didn't I tell you to stay back and let her family welcome her first?"
If only she knew how glad I am that Gracie slipped past her and my brothers and greeted me first. It is a great feeling to know that my friend is here and has my back. That is just what I needed. Now I feel ready to face the rest of them – well, as ready as one can be in such a situation, that is.
"Sorry, mom," Gracie says, not sounding sorry at all.
She winks at me as she allows her mother to pull her away. Once Gracie is out of reach, Karen steps back up to me and gives me a big hug herself.
"It's good to have you back, Lily. You gave us quite the scare. But I am glad that you are okay. Just be sure to give those brothers of yours a big hug each. And I think they deserve an apology, too. This has been a very stressful situation for those poor guys and they are still reeling from it," she tells me quietly. "They love you so much, darling. Never forget that, okay?"
She hugs me again and then gently shoves me towards the front entrance. I watch wordlessly as she walks up to Gracie. The two of them wave at us as they turn around and leave. Looks like they will not stick around until we start with our drinks but will re-join us later. Which makes sense, since it is only lunchtime and we won't start the fire until it is getting dark outside.
Time to face the music.
I slowly turn back towards our house, still plucking up the courage to confront Alex and the rest of the guys. But once again, I don't get very far.
Before I know what is happening, strong arms wrap themselves around my body and lift me up so that my feet are off the floor. I instinctively secure my own arms around the person's neck and bury my face in their shoulder. It only takes me a second to know who this is.
Alex.
I soak up the familiar smell, and the unique warmth and comfort of his embrace. Tears shoot into my eyes as I slowly allow myself to relax in his hold. Alex shifts me in his arms so that he can cross his arms underneath my bum and in turn, I wrap my legs around his waist, locking myself into place.
This is what I have been waiting for and until this very moment I didn't know if I would get it. If I even deserved to receive this kind of affection. But now that I am securely wrapped up in my big brothers arms, I know that this is what we both need.
We remain in this embrace for what seems like a very long time. I don't want it to end. As nice as this is, I am not stupid enough to believe that everything will be just fine because we shared this little, intimate moment. If anything, it is just to reassure ourselves that this is real and that we are both still alive and well. Well enough to be facing the consequences, in my case.
"I am so happy to have my little girl back," Alex finally speaks.
His voice sounds strangely hoarse and for a moment I wonder if he has been crying, too. My cheeks are wet, despite my earlier resolve in the car that I would not cry again. I am not ready yet to look at him though, so I guess I won't find out if he has tears on his face.
"Don't ever to that again, Lily. Those 24 hours when I didn't know where you were, if you were okay or if something bad had happened to you, they were the worst of my life," he adds.
A lump forms in my throat, making it impossible for me to reply. Not that I would have known what to say to him, anyway. But his claim that these were the worst hours of his life literally render me speechless. He lost his mom at a very young age – he was thirteen, if I remember correctly – and then he lost his sister only a few years later.
Surely, these must have been worse experiences than me running away?
"I didn't mean to worry you, Alex," I whisper, finally finding my voice.
"I know you didn't, peanut."
"I...I didn't think...a-and then it...I don't know. I...it just kinda...it happened. I'm so sorry!" I wail.
Instead of scolding me, as I expected he would do, Alex squeezes me tighter against his body, if that is even possible. I feel one of his hands on the back of my head as he holds me close and gently strokes my hair. I let the tears flow freely now, not caring anymore if I am making a scene.
"I'm s-sorry, Alex," I hiccup, desperately hoping that he will believe me.
"I know. You're fine. We are fine, hear me? – Shhh. I've got you, peanut. I love you so much," he tells me sweetly.
"I u-understand if... if you h-hate me right now," I continue to cry miserably. "I will make it up to you, I p-promise!"
"Shhh. It's okay, Lily. It's okay. Don't worry about any of that right now. And nobody could ever hate you. Put that thought right out of your mind, will you?"
"O-okay."
"I'm just glad you're back and in one piece. I missed you, peanut," Alex says.
"I missed you more!" I sniffle, my voice sounding stuffy because my nose is completely clogged up from all the crying I have done.
"I'm sure," he humours me, sounding slightly amused.
"What can I do to make it up to you? How can I show you that you can trust me again?" I ask what has been at the forefront of my mind ever since we boarded the plane.
"We'll talk about that later, okay? There is a lot that we need to talk about, as I am sure you know. But not today – unless you want to, that is. If that is the case, I will of course be there for you," he offers.
I am uncertain whether to feel relieved that he plans to postpone our "talk" to tomorrow, or maybe even to after Christmas. Part of me wants to get it out of the way. But the other part fears that it will most certainly spoil any Christmas spirit that might otherwise surface. That would be unfair to the rest of my family, most of all. Although I may have already spoilt it with my actions, anyway. I guess I will find out pretty quickly, once I see the others.
"Thank you," I say sincerely. "I'll do whatever you want to do."
Alex lets out a low chuckle at that.
"That's what I like to hear. Looks like Jordan and Sean have already conditioned you to be on your best behaviour. I like it."
I lean back in his hold and finally glance up at him. I am surprised to find him smiling down at me. When he catches me scrutinizing him, he even winks at me. That is something I am not used to from Alex. Maybe this means that he really isn't angry with me.
"Let's go inside. There are a few more people who have been impatiently waiting to see you again," he then announces and makes to put me back on my feet.
I quickly give him another hug around the neck and plant a kiss on his stubbly cheek. Then let him place me on the ground. Looking around, I notice that everybody else has gone inside because we are the only ones still here. The front door is open though, beckoning us to go into the house.
"Ready?" Alex asks me and puts a hand on my shoulder.
I nod and smile up at him. He reaches out and brushes his thumb across my left cheek, which is still wet from crying. I gently push his hand away and then rub my face on the sleeve of my jacket, effectively drying all my tears at once. My brother chuckles.
"What?" I ask, confused.
"I thought your brothers were exaggerating when they told me about that jacket. But seeing it in real is even worse than what I imagined it to be like," he laughs.
I huff and then playfully push him.
"So not funny!"
"I disagree. It kinda is. You look ridiculous."
I decide to let it go. Up until now, this reunion went a hundred times better than I could have ever expected. So what if Alex makes fun of me for a bit. I'll take that over being yelled at any time.
"I am curious what you'll say about the Christmas tree. The guys outdid themselves this year," Alex says. "Come on."
He grabs my hand and pulls me inside.
A/N - Four down (Gracie included), a few more to go. Will all of them react so kindly to seeing Lily again? Or will they spoil any remaining Christmas spirit? Only a few more chapters to go in this book. Thanks for your continued support!