When I wake for the second time that morning, I do feel thoroughly debased. My body is loose, like every muscle has been reduced to its finest threads. I'm sore, too, can tell just by shifting my hips. My hips which are pressed up against Dres, who's draped across my back. I'm not sure how we got positioned quite like this, but am also not here to complain.
Dres is still asleep. His even breaths are hot against the back of my neck. He's hard, though, can tell that, too, by the feel of him pressing against the back of my thighs. There're no clothes between us, just electricity. I hike my knee up, so Dres is between my thighs. It's almost perfect, but not. I have to shimmy down the bed just a fraction. I'm trying to work my way into position without waking Dres just yet, but the attempt fails.
He mumbles into my shoulder, "Don't even."
"Don't even what?" I say, trying for an innocent tone as I shift some more. I've got him right where I want him now. If only I can just...
"Cas, cut it out," he responds, moving, so he's not buried between my thighs, but more resting against them. I lift my hips backwards till they come into contact with him. "I'm going to kill you," he says as he presses his forearm between my shoulders, pinning me against the bed.
"Oh, this is perfect. Now just slide right in."
"I'm not going to just slide right in," Dres says, aghast.
"I'm perfectly prepped," I respond, wanting to turn and look at him if just to see his reaction. His arm against my back keeps me from moving, though. "If you recall, a mere few hours ago, we engaged in, you know, what I would personally identify as come-to-Jesus sex. Emphasis on the come. Emphasis on the Jesus, too, honestly."
"And yet you still aren't sated."
"I mean, to be fair, I'm not the one leaking against my ass right now."
Dres growls and then he's no longer lying on top of me. I'm mildly shocked, sure that I was moving the conversation in a direction where I got to have sex, again.
"Hey, wait, no, that wasn't me complaining. That was the opposite of a complaint. Come back." I don't move but I turn my head so I'm looking in the direction Dres has left the bed at. He's standing in front of his nightstand putting a condom on. "Oh," I say and feel a heat rush over me at the sight. It's a good sight, one I'm not going to tire of. Thank god we are having sex again. "Forgot about those things."
"Were you just going to let me not use one?" he asks as he climbs back into bed. I'm still lying ass up, and ready for the taking, but Dres has paused to stare at me.
"I can't tell how you want me to answer that," I say.
"Honestly."
"I would let you do anything to me," I tell him. Because he asked for honesty and that's it.
"No," he says, sounding exasperated.
I frown. "What do you mean no? Yes. I'm saying I would."
"Not that," he insists.
"I trust you," I say, meaning that equally as much.
"It doesn't matter, Cas. You make exceptions with me, then you start making exceptions with other people. It's not safe."
Why is Dres talking about me fucking other people?
"Okay, this conversation has moved into buzzkill territory." My voice, evidently, doesn't betray the hurt I feel from his comment.
I must sound like I'm joking because Dres says, "Oh, do you, do you not want to have sex? Should I take the condom off, then?"
"Funny guy," I respond dryly, even though I can't shake his words. Exceptions with other people. Does Dres think now that I've had sex I'm just going to go around throwing it at everyone? He couldn't because he knows we're exclusive. We've had that conversation.
Dres climbs on top of me, seemingly unaware of the effect of his words. He drops his head by my ear, kissing the side of my neck as he asks, "You want it like this?"
I don't trust myself to put together words. My chest is hot as bile rises in my stomach. I manage a nod, and say, "Uh huh." I feel his hand at the back of my knee. He bends my leg and then he slides home. I'm so perfectly full it hurts.
I feel Dres in my chest, burrowed somewhere under my ribs. A cluster of nerves that throb with each stroke. He moves slow and it only emphasizes the pain.
I'm aware of every inch of him. The pleasure attempts to chase at the pain my thoughts have left in their wake. I'm caught in this moment and the moment just before this, trying to understand what Dres meant by it. If he meant anything by it at all.
He's grinding into me and it feels like a dance and a heart attack.
When I come, tears spring to my eyes and my nose burns. I turn my face into the pillow so Dres doesn't see that I'm crying. I'm panting, but it feels more like hyperventilation. I keep my face planted in the pillow till it stops. Dres slows down as he comes, falls against me and stays there, fingers running through the hair at the nape of my neck.
"You alive?" he asks with a laugh.
I clear my throat. "Barely," I say as I turn my head out of the pillow. "That was intense," I add because I've got to say something. Dres will know if I don't. He kisses at the back of my neck, under my ear. I want him like this forever, on top of me, weighing me down, keeping me planted. But I'm starting to realize that may not be possible.
I need to stop thinking about it because my throats on fire and I'm at risk for really crying and I'm not sure I'll be able to explain it away.
Dres is still inside of me so I focus on that, on the feel of him being apart of me. We're one for this one second before he slides out and says, "What do you want to do for breakfast? I can cook. We could order. We could go out."
I hear him get up. He shuffles around the room but I don't move. "Let's go out," I say.
"Yeah?" he responds. "You know you'll have to get out of bed for that."
"As soon as my legs start working I'll be happy to oblige."
His fingers brush along the arch of my foot and I jolt with a yelp. "Seems to be working fine to me," he says. "Come on. Let's shower."
I get up because I have to, because if I lay in that bed I'm going to dissect how he can be asking me to shower with him when he was moments ago telling me I needed to be careful when fucking other people.
We go to the local diner, grab a booth in the back corner by the windows. It's frigid this morning, but the sun's out and it's warming my back through my shirt. I've been coming to this diner since I was a kid. Our waitress isn't familiar though, this older woman named Peggy, who looks like she'd rather be anywhere but here. I can't help but commiserate.
When she asks for our orders, Dres glances at me, raising a brow. I say, "Can I do the greek omelet? Whole wheat toast and I'll have a coffee with that."
She looks over at Dres and he says, "I'll do the same, actually."
"Two greek omelets with whole wheat and coffee coming right up."
When she leaves Dres turns and gives me a weird face. "What?" I ask.
"I just expected you to get a stack of pancakes. Probably the size of your head. Like that's how you would order it. A stack of pancakes the size of my head."
If you know me so well, Dres, you'd know that comment stung.
I've got to let it go. I've got to because he does know me well and he's going to know something's up.
I force myself to grin. "Feeling like I need to replenish my protein."
It works. Dres wrinkles his nose, says, "That's gross."
I laugh, but it dies off pretty quickly and my mind goes back to this morning. I try to think about the first time, the better time, when it seemed like we'd be together forever.
"You okay?" Dres asks, breaking my thoughts.
I look over at him, with both surprise and that feeling of being caught. "Yep. Why?"
"I don't know. You're quiet."
"Just, processing, is all," I tell him, trying to give him as much of the truth as I can. He'll know if I'm lying.
"I know. I'm just trying to figure out what."
I shrug, aiming for casual. "Last night. This morning. All of it, I suppose."
"You could process...aloud, you know."
"Why would I need to do that if you can just read my mind?"
"I'm not really getting a good reading right now."
"Well, at this exact moment I'm etching your dick onto my brain."
Dres rolls his eyes.
"I'm serious," I say. "Did you know it sort of leans to the right?" I hold up and crook my pointer finger.
"It does not," he responds, glaring at me.
Now I roll my eyes. "Of course it doesn't. It's perfect." I add as an afterthought, "You should give me a photo of it."
"Absolutely not."
"Come on, we could do a whole photoshoot. You'd have to be naked for it, of course."
"You know what? I take it back. Maybe some things are better off left in your head."
I decide, then, that Dres has given me permission to never bring it up. To never tell him I knew he was thinking about the end, that he thinks there is an end for us. No, I'll never tell him just how much it hurt to know I wanted forever, when he was counting down the days.
A few days before Christmas, Dres is driving me home. I'm falling asleep, exhausted from our day at the ski slopes in Mount Olive. The music he's playing isn't helping, some instrumental jazz. The heats blasting, too, and I've got on layers, and I smell like Dres. All of these things are cradling me to sleep.
I jolt though when Dres says, "So...," sitting upright.
I rub at my eyes before raking my hands through my hair. "So?" I don't know where the panic in my chest has come from, but it's there.
"You remember Jack, right?"
I huff on a laugh. The panic subsides. "Yes, yes, I remember Jack. I just met him like a few weeks ago. What about him?"
"Well, he's getting married."
"Oh, wow."
"Yeah, in a couple of weeks actually. January 8th."
"Okay."
"And well, I'm his best man."
"Really? That's a good thing, right. You guys are close."
Dres nods. I'm failing to see the problem here. Dres asks, hesitantly, "Do you — do you want to go, then? To his wedding?"
I'm grinning now. "Are you asking me to be your date? You know you don't have to ask, right?"
"I do, though."
"Okay, yes, sure, I will be your date. On one condition, of course."
"Let's hear it," he says amused.
"You have to take me to my prom," I say quickly, feeling my face heat up.
Dres is quiet for a moment and then he goes, "I thought that was a given."
I get this jerky feeling in my chest. Nothing ever feels like a given with Dres. It all feels up in the god damn air. I respond, "Oh, it is. I just wanted to make it official. I'll be expecting a corsage, too."
"Yeah, I'll rent a limo, too, in that case."
"Well, if you're gonna' do that, just know that we will obviously engage in limo sex."
Dres is shaking his head as he says, "Obviously."
Dres and I spend Christmas apart.
My whole family gathers at my Uncle's house for the holiday and Dres ends up at some cabin retreat with Dolores and Amelia. Jack and his soon-to-be wife Jasmine join them. I would've liked to have gone, but Christmas is an even bigger ordeal than Thanksgiving in my family, particularly since my cousins are so young and are under the belief Santa's real.
It doesn't really matter that Dres and I are celebrating the holiday separately because he has me bring his presents for literally everyone in my family and I sedn my gifts with him. We end up Facetiming well into the night and while he firmly refuses to engage in anything sordid on camera, I do get to fall asleep to his voice.
I got Dres a necklace for Christmas, this thin silver chain I had personally customized. Where the necklace clasped, there was a small P and W attached. I was hesitant at first, wondering if it would come off as an overstep.
When I gave it to Dres, he held it out in front of him for a long time, but then he pulled into his arms and I knew I'd gotten it right. Admittedly, there was some selfish notes to the gift. He looked damn good in a necklace.
We spend New Years together, parked in this remote spot by the Hudson, looking out into the city. We watch the fireworks under a pile of blankets cuddled in the cab of Dres's truck. Dres takes a few sips of the champagne I snagged from my mom's collection and he kisses me into the New Year with a cold breath and fogged windows that I end up finger-drawing our initials into ("You're not supposed to draw on fogged glass. It stains." "I think that's a myth, Dres. And anyway, you mark me all the time. I'm marking your car.")
And then there's the night before Jack's wedding. Dres is out with him in the city. He keeps me updated through the night, texting rather animatedly about the reservations he got at a Michelin-star restaurant. He's sort of obsessing over the chef. I have a maybe five second moment of jealousy about it. I suggested Lips, which is a Drag Queen Show, because Jack hadn't wanted to do the typical strip club thing. They seemed to enjoy it based on the litany of photos I got. After that, the texts stopped rolling in so I figured he was just enjoying himself.
But then a little after midnight, Dres calls me. I pick up and say, "Is this the part where you proposition me with phone sex? Cause I've already got my hand in my pants." I'm kidding, lying in bed nearly asleep.
He groans. "Fuck Cas." And I think we actually are going to have phone sex, which would be fun. We've been having lots of sex, in lots of places, in lots of different positions. But we haven't tried this, talking dirty and low into the darkness. Dres has seemed pretty against it but I'm completely here for it.
Dres says, "No, I was actually wondering if you could come pick me up."
I sit up, alarmed now. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he says calmly. He probably should've led with that. "I'm at Jack's. I'll send you his address."
He shares his location and I open it in my maps before saying, "Okay, I got it. I'll be in there in twenty."
When I pull up to Jack's apartment building, Dres is waiting outside. I reach over and throw the door open as he walks over slowly. He almost hesitates at the door like he's thinking about something but once he's in, he's moving quickly, reaching out and kissing me over the console. The cold air fills the car, soothing my flushed face. Dres's hands sink into my hair as he pulls me nearly into his lap.
"What is, what is going on?" I say as I manage to get some space between us. Dres is kissing along my face, licking at my jawline. "Did you get in a fight with Jack? Did something happen?"
He shakes his head, moves back to my lips. His tongue darts into my mouth without hesitation. I moan as he cups my neck and pulls me towards him again. I'm halfway over the console before I stop.
"Wait, wait, wait, I don't understand," I say. I press my hands against his shoulders to keep him back. "Also, close the door it's literally below zero outside. And why were you standing out there?"
In a shocking turn of events, Dres obeys my command, grabbing the door handle and pulling it shut. "I was waiting for you," he says simply. I don't know what's happening here right now, but I like it. Dres says, "Come here." So I do, climbing over the console into his lap. He reaches for my pants. I'm in sweats so he slips a hand inside easily.
"Wait, wait, we can't have sex in a car outside Jack's apartment." I can't shake the feeling that something happened tonight but I also can't bring myself to ask.
Dres is kissing up my neck as he says, "Sure we can."
"This is very illegal," I say and I'm grasping at straws here. Everything in my body is saying yes, do it even though something in my head is telling me it's a bad idea. It's not helping that Dres has moved to stroking me. My resolve is wavering. I take his hand and remove it from my pants because I can't focus with him touching me. "Let's go back to your place, first," I say.
He shakes his head. "I want you now. Here."
That is...that is too hot. "Fuck. Okay. Yeah, okay, uhm I'll blow you, okay?" That's safer, right, than fucking in a car. That'll give me some time to at least think about what the hell is going on.
I start to inch backwards into the space between the seat and the dashboard, but Dres grabs me, holding me where I am. "I want to be inside you."
"Oh for fuck's sake," I say before I'm moving up his body, grabbing onto his face and kissing him, hard. His hands are back in my pants, one stroking me, the other inching the fabric down my legs. Forget it, I think. Whatever's happened, I don't care. Whatever's going to happen, I don't care. This will just be one of those crazy things we do and never tell a soul about. We'll make vague references to it years from now and everyone will be super confused when I say oh yeah, Dres loves cars, don't you Dres? One could almost say its like a kink.
This will just be one of those nights where I never wonder why we got here, and why he was so desperate for it, for me, and what could've possibly triggered it.
I could be at risk for hyperventilating but I wouldn't know it with Dres's tongue in my mouth. I kneel on the seat as best I can and he gets my sweatpants down to my knees.
"Are you sure about this?" I ask as I brace myself against his shoulders so I can kick the sweats off further. If I get bare ass naked in this car and he taps out, I'm going to be just a little bit pissed off. Okay, a lot of bit pissed off. It's not exactly warm in here.
Dres is warm, though. His body heat pressing up into me. It's a familiar thing and I respond to it, leaking into his fist as he jerks me off.
"I'm sure," he says definitively before he moves, slipping a finger into me without warning. I gasp.
"Are you...?" he trails, an eyebrow raising curiously.
I blush but respond rather unashamedly, "Uhm, I was home all night. What did we expect me to do?" He slips a second finger inside. "I'm really good to go, if you just wanna'." I make a face that's supposed to read as get your dick in me. Like right now, please, pronto, thanks.
Dres stares at me. Confused, I stare back. His mouth opens gaping at me before he mumbles, "Shit." He like never curses so I'm taken back. "I don't have a condom," he says slowly, his expression pained. "Do you...?"
I realize I don't even have my wallet on me. I'd rushed out of the house more concerned about Dres than I was about grabbing it. I barely managed to write on a post-it and leave it on my mom's door. "I don't." He slumps back into the seat. His fingers are still inside me and they angle sharply making me moan.
I take what's supposed to be a calming breath but I'm literally on the worst edge of my life. "We don't need it," I say. Dres stares at me hard. "We really don't. And if your hang up about it is that you don't want me to get in the habit of not using them with other people than I promise to use them with everybody else but you. You're literally two fingers deep in me and I need this. I need you, Dres. Please, please, please."
I crowd against him, kissing him between each please, pressing the syllables against his lips. It's a prayer, it's an incantation. One that seems to work because Dres shifts, gets himself out of his jeans and I don't hesitate, sinking down on him.
Dres moans loudly, saying, "Oh, god, Cas. You feel so good." His head falls back and he says, "You're perfect, Cas. So perfect. So good."
His words hit me hard, square in the chest, digging at my sternum, clutching at my heart. Maybe this is what happens when you pray for your own ruining.
Maybe you can't ask for someone to give you all of them without expecting to lose some of yourself, too. I don't know. All I can feel is Dres, inside me, and all I can think about is the promise I just made to use condoms with other people. Who are the other people? Why can't we escape this future we seem to keep creating for us?
When my mom gave me my first curfew, she said nothing good happens after midnight. She wasn't wrong.
This is too much. Sex so potent, I'm coming and coming apart. Can feel myself crack and shift back together, slightly off, never to be the same Cas again. Dres is a medley of sweet sounds, ones I want to remember when this is all over. And I want to say something reckless, something that he'll remember when this is all over.
I hold onto his face, looking him deep in the eyes. And I'm saying it. I'm saying it so fucking loudly but he can't hear me. We're on different stations tonight. There's nothing but static between us.