I wake to the smell of pancakes and sweet syrup as it travels through the stay house. The sun spills in through the window and the tall golden grass outside doesn't appear to be violently thrashing in the wind, its calmed to a soft dance as the breeze moves it about. I sit up and my feet touch the cold hardwood floors. I pull on my socks and throw a hoodie over my singlet top. My Dad's laughter coming from the kitchen aside Harry's laugh. I haven't heard him laugh like that in a while... that raspy kind of giggle.
"Morning." I say as I pull my hair into a ponytail.
"Morning!" The three of them say as they giggle.
I take a seat next to Anne and rest my head on her shoulder as Dad flips pancakes and Harry pours me a cup of coffee.
"How'd everyone sleep?" I ask.
The rest of the morning goes smoothly and after I finish eating breakfast, I take another cup of coffee and get dressed into a pair of black jeans, a thick white turtleneck and a large winter coat. I put my Doc Martins on and walk out to the porch where Dad and Anne are sat with a cup of tea, reading their books on the opposing deck chairs.
"Have you seen Harry?" I ask them and without looking up both Dad and Anne point to the beach in front of us.
"Sounds good... Good conversation." I say sarcastically, nodding and walking towards the beach.
The gentle breeze grows stronger as I meet the water's edge and see Harry standing there with his hands in the pocket of his jeans as his striped jumper rests above his hips, the wind blowing his curls in every direction.
"Hey." I say nudging his arm.
"Hey." He responds as he wraps his arm around my shoulder, and I nestle my head into his armpit.
"I wish we could swim." He says as he begins to run his gloved hand up and down my forearm.
"Me too, but it's quite cold. How long have you been down here?" I say to him a little louder so he can hear me from the wind. The waves roll and crash into the sandy shore.
"Not long. Wanna go on an adventure? The wind won't be as harsh if we're away from the beach." He says as he turns around and takes my hands in his, walking backwards towards the house.
"Always!" I say as he lets go of my hands and runs off and I take off after him, occasionally tripping from the sand. His laughter carries as he shouts my name and I laugh with him. The sun shining down on the both of us. We run past the house and down the back field and I crash into him when he stops running and my eyes feast upon the view before me. A large open field scattered with dainty white flowers lay beneath the hill we stand upon with a trail going through it. I inhale deeply as I look at the view before me.
"Here's your flower field, Tilly." Harry says to me and I tap his shoulder.
"Tag!" I shout as I take off down the hill, my hair flowing behind me as the wind carries it through the air.
"No fair!" I hear Harry call out.
The fresh air feels crisp as I breathe it in. I reach the flower field and lose my breath completely as Harry crashes into me and we fall to the ground in the middle of the field, the house looking tiny because of how far away we've gotten. We laugh as we lay next to one another on the soft grass that scatters the field looking up at the bright blue sky, the winter sun feeling soft against our skin.
"Can I tell you a secret?" I say as I sit up cross legged and play with the flowers, I pick from the grass beneath me.
"Of course. I always keep your secrets, you know that." He says as closes his eyes and folds his arms behind his head, cushioning himself on the grass.
"I think you're the greatest person I've ever met." I say to him and he squints one eye open.
"I think the feeling is mutual, Tilly girl." He says and I sit there, breathless as if the world has stood still.
"Out of the thousands of people you've ever met?" I question him, raising an eyebrow.
"You're family. You're my best friend." He says and I realise how hard I'm smiling.
"Can I take a photo of you?" I ask him.
"Anytime." He says with a chuckle and I climb onto him as he lays down, straddling his hips and pull out my phone from the pocket of my coat and I poke at his cheeks making him giggle and covering his eye. I take a few photos and show him, and he smiles, reaching up and pulling me into his chest as I crash down into him and snuggle into his chest. He kisses my head and I giggle at him. In one swift movement he lay me down int the soft grass and he rests above me, we stare at one another. The sun silhouettes his head and his curls blow into his face.
"Can I kiss you?" He says with a raspy voice.
I nod and he reaches his head down slowly, his lips gracefully touching mine. My cheeks flush pink and I feel my stomach grow butterflies as we lay in this field, the sun shining down onto us as we explore one another's lips and no matter how many times he asks, no matter how many times our lips meet, I'll always say yes and it will always feel like the first time. His hand cups the side of my face as he begins to move his lips away from mine but I pull his head back in and his lips caress my own once again. My fingers find their way to the root of his hair and I tug at his curls that dangle from the back of his neck and a small moan escapes his lips as he breathes into me.
"Tilly..." He says against my lips.
"Harry..." I say back against his and we kiss, his hands entangling themself into my hair.
He pulls away from my lips and moves a strand of hair behind my ear. Harry was right, the wind isn't as awful here, rather the gentle breeze touches the wildflowers around us, as they sway in the wind. Harry stands to his feet and pulls me up with him and we stand in the field as if we're the only two people on the earth. Harry turns around and places his hands behind his back openly, crouching down slightly as he looks over his shoulder.
"Go on, you know you want too." He says with a huff and I laugh and jump onto his back as his hands grip under my knees as my arms lace around his shoulders. He throws me up to stabilise himself as we walk through the field, up the small hill and back to the house.
"Hyper speed one hundred." He says quickly in a deep voice.
"What?" I say confused and with that he takes off running back to the house with me on his back and I laugh scared we will both topple over at any moment, but I shouldn't be nervous, I've never not felt safe with him. We reach the house and he walks up the steps to the porch and doesn't put me down, rather takes his shoes off at the front door and we walk past the living room where Anne and Dad sit inside reading the same books.
"Mother, Dean, how are we?" Harry says, not giving either of them a chance to respond as he passes them and goes into our room. It's slightly odd being able to call it that.
"What're we doing?" I say laughing at him.
"I brought something for you." He says and I begin to take my shoes off.
I watch as Harry fumbles through his bag and pulls out two small canvases and a packet of store paint. I laugh and throw my hands to my mouth as I perch myself onto my knees as I sit on the bed.
"Madame Tilly Jackson, shall we paint?" He jokes as he offers his hand. I take it, Harry pulling me through the living room, past Anne and Dad and into the kitchen.
"After twenty-three years you'd think the two of them would learn to stop running through the inside of a house." I hear Dad say as Anne laughs.
Harry sets up the paint and we spend the afternoon eating grilled cheese sandwiches, sipping on tea and painting on the small canvases. I paint the field we lay in and Harry paints me, against my objection.
"Can I take a photo of you because you took one of me before?" he says softly, and I nod but don't look up from my paper. The snapshot clicks and he shows me the photo and I smirk shaking my head at him. We spend the afternoon painting until Dinner, and we clear the table. Sitting around the table with the four of us makes me realise how very different life is now that I'm older. The laughter, spilling of red wine, Harry strumming the guitar stupidly as Dad gets up and dances to it is all too familiar but different at the same time.
Harry and I clean the dishes up and we go to the living room where Anne sits watching the news as Dad reads his novel. I sit at the coffee table cross legged on the floor and paint my nails a light blue colour and Harry strums at his guitar softly on the ground across from me, occasionally being told off by Anne for being to loud. The fire crackles and we stay in the living room until the early A.M. This time tomorrow I'll be on a plane back to L.A... alone. But I suppose I'll see James and I've missed him; I have. Just less than what I thought I would. I still have to tell James how I feel about him, and I think it will break his heart, how do you tell someone that you're in love with someone else, someone you barely see. That's what will be the hardest, seeing Harry almost never. His tour kicks off in the next few months so I doubt he will be around, nor have the time to pickup his phone. Slowly, one by one each of us peel away from the living room and into our own rooms. I go to bed last after checking a few emails and see Harry curled up in bed playing on his phone.
"Can I ask you something?" I say as I stand at the foot of the bed we share.
"Anything." He says as he turns to sit up and face me.
"When? When will be talk about it?" I say, feeling so small as he stares into my eyes and I feel his heat radiating from him as the stare prolongs. I blink as I turn away from him and sit on the edge of the window.
"Tomorrow. I promise." He says and I feel a tightness in my chest rise and I feel myself grow angry.
"Harry, why do you keep putting it off? This isn't fair anymore." I say.
"No its not I understand but-"
"But what? You kiss me and you... you touch me in ways I haven't been touched by anyone and... and I, fuck it, I like it. I like it a lot and not because of the way you do it but... but because of whose doing it. You. It's always been you." I say feeling tears rise in my eyes, I've never been this vulnerable with him. I cross my arms and look out the window onto the ocean, I can barely see it because of how dark it is anyways.
"It's just complicated, Tilly." Harry whispers, silence fills the space between us and I feel as though he just snapped the guitar strings of my heart with his own two hands, pulling them from my chest to use them as his own instrument.
Frustration bubbles inside me and I feel it begin to surface like the tide rolling into shore.
"Love isn't complicated, the people make it." I snap back at him without thinking. It's what Dad said, and I think about it every day.
"Love?" He says quietly, his eyes widening and the realisation hits me of what I just said.
"Um... Shit. Yeah look, maybe we should talk about this tomorrow." I mumble as I walk over to the bed and take a pillow from it.
"I'm also gonna sleep on the lounge." I say as I walk out of the room.
"Tilly, wait." Harry says as he comes after me into the darkness of the living room.
"Harry, I need to be alone." I say sternly as I turn to look at him and he nods.
"I think you're right. Love isn't complicated, the people make it." He affirms as he walks back to the room and turns off the light, leaving the door open behind him. I sit here in the dark and look at the dying fire, biting down on my lip.
I think I just fucked up again.