RUSSELL'S POV
Nahihirapan na ako. I can no longer pretend that I hate her. Lalo na pag nakikita ko siya araw-araw. It's hard for me to ignore her.
Simula nang dumating siya, hindi na ako nakatulog nang maayos. Everytime I close my eyes, her face hunts me. She's even lovelier. She looked matured and more confident. More sofisticated. More daring. Iba na ang kilos niya. Siguro dahil sa nature ng work niya. Kahit nasa bahay siya, she's all poise and grace.
And she ignores me. As if I don't exist.
I woke up each dawn to check both of them. I missed her so much. The moment I saw her when they arrived, gusto ko siyang yakapin nang mahigpit. Pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. Alam kong hindi na dapat. Wala na akong karapatang gawin 'yon. May sarili na siyang buhay. At alam kong masaya na siya.
Masaya na akong pagmasdan ang maamo niyang mukha habang tulog siya. That's all I can do.
I miss to feel the warmth of her body. It's been so long and I long for her. I want to feel her softness. I want to touch her. Her small waist. Her full breasts. What's in between her thigh. Everything. Wala siyang kamalay-malay sa pwede kong gawin sa kanya habang tulog siya. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. One time I kissed her slighty parted lips. How I missed it. I was tempted to kiss her more. Kaya lang baka magising siya. I watched her sleep for hours.
I decided to have a quick shower. I just went to the smoking area at ayokong amoy usok ako pag lalapit ako sa anak. At baka maamoy ako ni Haley. She doesn't know that I smoke. Besides, I'm sure wala na rin siyang pakialam kung ano man ang guso kong gawin.
I only smoke occasionally, especially when I'm stressed. Malapit na ang Pasko. Malapit na rin ang birthday ni Reese. I'm excited, at the same time nag-aalala. I only have few days left para makasama silang dalawa. I'm sure, after New Year, babalik na sila sa Spain. At hindi papayag si Haley na mag-extend sila. At lalong hindi siya papayag na maiwan si Reese. I don't know what to do.
I threatened her with legal matter.Yes, because I had to. I wanted not just Reese to stay. I want her to stay as well. Alam kong papanigan ng korte si Haley, kasi two years old pa lang si Reese. But at least we can have arrangement about my legal rights to my daughter. Maybe she can stay with me for a couple of days each month. At alam kong hindi iiwan ni Haley si Reese, and that's part of the plan. I'll do anything to have them both stay.
Hindi ako papasok ng ilang araw. I want to spend the rest of the week with Reese. And with Haley. I looked at my room. This has been empty for three years. Nasanay na rin akong mag-isa. I kept myself busy.
Napatingin ako sa pinto. I heard something from my office. Nagmadali akong nagbihis. I opened the door. Nakatalikod siya. She's checking the photo albums on the side table. She gave a quick scan on each albums. Nagtagal siya sa isang album.
The pink one.
The door clicked nung isinara ko. Humarap siya nang marinig ang tunog sa pinto. I saw tears in her eyes. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko.
"What are you doing here?" I tried to sound as cold as the first time I spoke to her.
"Russell –" she whispered my name.
God, how I missed it. She's trying to hold back her sob. Pero hindi na niya ito napigilan. She wanted to say something, pero hindi siya makapagsalita.
"I'm sorry." And her tears keep falling. "I'm sorry sa lahat-lahat. Sorry, dahil hindi ako nakinig sa'yo. Sorry sa mga nasayang na panahon na sana nakasama mo ang anak mo. Sorry at naging makasarili ako. Sorry kasi... kasalanan ko. I'm sorry kasi –"
Hindi ko na siya pinatapos. I can't stand seeing her like this. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit.
"Sshhh..."
Paano niya nalaman ang totoo?
I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Hinaplos ko ang likod niya. How it feels so good to feel her in my arms again. I kissed her hair. It smells unfamiliar. She changed her brand of shampoo. Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya. Parang hindi ako sanay. It's longer. But she maintained the same softness.
We stayed that way for a couple of minutes. Then she pulled away. She looked at my face and tears are still endlessly flowing in her eyes. I can't still believe it. That I'm holding her this close.
"Hindi ka– galit?" tanong niya.
I smiled and wiped her tears. "Never. Naiintinidihan kita. It's all my fault. Don't blame it to yourself."
Kumunot ang noo niya. She looked confused. Parang hindi siya makapaniwala. Maybe because I was ignoring her for the past few days.
"Why? Hindi mo man lang ako susumbatan?" She started to cry again.
Bakit ko siya susumbatan? Kasalanan ko ang lahat. Sana, simula pa lang umiwas na ako. I should've stopped my involvement in Kirsten's personal life. Sana nakining ako kay Micah. Sana hindi kami umabot sa ganito. Kung ako siguro ang nasa lugar ni Haley, ganon din ang mararamdaman ko. At ganon din ang gagawin ko.
"Tahan na. Like I said, hindi ko magawang magalit sa'yo. I understand. I know you were really jealous kaya nagalit ka sa akin. And you were pregnant. And implusive."
Tumawa siya pero patuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng mga luha niya. I missed the sound of her laughter. Pinunasan niya ang mga luha niya.
"These pictures – I don't understand." She's holding the pink album.
Those are pictures of Reese taken from the Operating Room. One shot was, I was holding Reese in a scrub suit. I was wearing a black reading glasses. To conceal my identity.
"I was there," sabi ko sa kanya. "I was the one who suggested you had to undergo CS. Nakita kong hirap na hirap ka na pero gusto mong maging normal ang delivery mo. And it hurts me to see you in so much pain. I was there the whole time."
She always wanted to have a normal delivery. She said, that would complete the essence of motherhood. At gusto niyang maranasan 'yon.
She's still speechless habang nakatingin sa pictures na hawak ko. Hindi siya makapaniwala. I pulled my wallet and took out a picture. Kuha ito sa delivery room. Kaming tatlo. Nakahiga si Reese sa dibdib niya. I was smiling and nakadikit ang pisngi ko sa kanya. She was asleep and still under anesthetics.
She cried again. I see her pain. Her regret. She tried to speak but she just can't. I waited for her to calm down. I had to let her cry. Kailangan niya 'yon.
Then she handed me another album.
May mga kuha rin kaming dalawa ni Reese. It's taken in a park across her Mom's place in Spain. Some shots wre taken during Reese's first birthday. I was the one of the clowns. There were pictures during Reese's baptismal. And I managed to sneak during all those times with help of Haley's Mom.
And there are tons of other shots, in various occasions.
Some were taken at the mall. I think that gave her so much to think about. How did it all happen. Especially the pictures were taken recently, for the past three months, I guess. I had the chance to take Reese to the mall, and that was the first. In two years, noon ko lang naipasyal si Reese. And I was so happy. And sad at the same time. Because I only had the chance to do that when she's out on a date. A date with I don't even want to mention his name.
"How these all happened? I mean, I haven't seen you there – not even once."
Because that's the plan. But how can I explain these pictures in various occasions? Siguro maiintindihan pa niya nung nanganak siya. I could be there. Pero based sa dami ng pictures, she might be thinking I lived in Spain.
Yes.
"I was based in Spain. I just returned early this month when Dad was hospitalized."
I saw horror in her eyes, pero hindi ko na siya hinayaang makabawi pa. This is the chance that I have to tell her everything bago pa siya magtanong ng iba. Baka pa mawala sa isip ko ang mga gusto kong sabihin. I have it all rehearsed in my mind for so long.
"I will not sign these papers," madiin kong sabi.
Inilapag ko sa mesa ang annulment papers na pinadala niya. Tumayo siya at lumapit.
"Russell hijo, sana maintindihan mo. Hindi ko rin ito gusto."
"I know. Mommy. Hindi ko pipirmahan 'yan hangga't hindi kami nakakapag-usap."
"Pero ayaw ka niyang kausapin. At ayaw na niyang makipag-ayos pa sa'yo."
"Hindi ko ipipilit ang sarili ko, kung ayaw na niya sa akin. Pero, may karapatan ako sa anak ko."
Hinawakan niya ako sa braso. She looked worried.
"Please hijo, hindi ka pwedeng magpakita ka sa kanya ngayon. Maselan ang kalagayan niya at ayokong may masamang mangyari sa apo ko. Pati na rin kay Haley. Alam mo naman siguro ang nangayari sa ospital nung bumalik ka. She doesn't want to see you. Kaya please, nakikiusap ako."
How could I forget? When I insisted to see her, she started throwing things at me. Lahat ng nasa side table binato niya sa akin kasi ayokong lumabas. Nagwawala siya kasi ayaw niya akong makita.
After that, she was bleeding. It's a threatened miscarriage. Kaya natakot ako noon. Ayokong may masamang mangyari kay Haley at sa baby namin. Kaya umalis na lang ako at hindi na nagpakita sa kanya.
Ganon katindi ang galit niya. I've never seen her like that before. She was always calm. Walang ibang gagawin ito kundi iiyak lang kapag nasasaktan siya.
Just like what happened when she found out about Kirsten. She just cried and left. Pero hindi ganito. Ibang Haley ang nakita ko nung time na 'yon. She was very emotional and physical. Siguro dahil sa kalagayan niya. Prior to that incident, I saw the symptoms already. Not as a symptom of pregnancy, because it was really unexpected. But I saw her changes. From soft spoken to loud. And she nagged.
Sa nakita kong reaksyon ng Mommy ni Haley, I took advantage of the situation.I had to do something.
"Hindi ako magpapakita sa kanya hanggang sa makapanaganak siya. Pero hayaan niyo akong lumapit sa anak ko paglabas nito. That's the only time na pipirmahan ko ang mga ito."
She relaxed. A bit. Pero ang totoo, hindi ko kayang pirmahan ang annulment papers na nasa harap ko.
"I want you to tell me kung nasaan siya. She did not take her connecting flight from Paris to Madrid. I had my men waiting for her in Madrid pero hindi siya dumating. She stopped in Paris."
She only had carry-on. It's been two weeks and still no trace of her in Madrid. I was really worried. Sinadya niya 'yon. She knew I was to look for her.
"Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam kung nasaan siya sa Paris. She called me she said she's fine. What I can tell you is, she'll return to Madrid in three or four months."
"We made a deal. I promised her that I won't bother you from that time on. And I requested a transfer to Spain. Pumayag naman siya. Your dad went back here. And I took over. After that sumunod ang Mommy mo sa Spain para mabantayan ka. I patiently waited each day na makita kayong mag-ina. I was so mad and I almost turned up when you accepted modeling offers. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon para magpakita ako sa'yo. Since it's your agency, I realized it's my own way to keep an eye on you. So, I controlled your projects."
"What do you mean control my projects?"
Umiwas ako ng tingin. "I limited your projects."
Her eyes are wide in shock.
"Ikaw ba ang nagpa=cancel ng mga photoshoots ko?"
That's one thing.
"Not only that. Hindi ako tumanggap ng commercials para sa'yo. And I had to check first the campaign. I did not cancel the photoshoot. But I cancelled your contract with them. Nagagalit ang agent mo and I had to pay a fine. And I'm sorry. I had to do it. I can't let you do that shoot. I don't want anyone see you barely naked."
Naiiling siya na natatawa habang lumuluha. I smiled back. She knew that I don't want other people to see her in revealing clothes.
"I didn't want you to work. I wanted you to stay with Reese full time. But it was the only time I could be with Reese, kapag my project ka. So, I could watch over Reese. Habang nasa photoshoot ka, I was with her."
I was uncomfortable nung sumigaw si Reese ng Daddy nang makita ako. Napatingin ako kay Haley nung time na 'yon. She was confused. Marahil, nagtataka siya kung bakit kilalang-kilala ako ni Reese.
"There were times, I just wish you had more projects, para madalas kong makasama ang anak ko. And I knew she misses me, too. She was so happy each time na magkikita kami. At nagpapasalamat ako sa Mommy at pumayag siyang lumapit ako kay Reese. Ito ang parusa ko sarili ko. Kahit nahihirapan ako, nagtitiis ako. I asked for it. Ako ang nagsimula ng lahat. Kasalanan ko kung ba't umabot tayo sa ganon. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, hahayan na lang kita sa gusto mo. But until now, hindi ko pa rin kayang pirmahan ang annulment papers na binigay ni Mommy. But I promised her to sign it."
Nanlaki ang mga mata niya.
"What?! You did not sign the papers?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Did I see disappointment in her eyes? Gusto ba niyang ma-annul ang kasal namin?
She weeps again. But I see something different in her eyes. I couldn't tell.
"I thought – God! What have I done?" And she sobs again.
Hard. And there's nothing I can do but to watch her.
"Im – so– rry. I'm so sorry–"
She could cry and say sorry forever. That pains me.
At alam ko ang tinutukoy niya. Alam ko kung ba't siya humihingi ng sorry. She entered in a relationship kasi ang alam niya annuled na ang kasal namin. The reason for her agony was the fact that technically, she cheated. Even though it's really unintentional.
"I wanted to show up, after you gave birth. Pero nakita ko na masaya ka. That you moved on. Kaya minabuti kong 'wag na lang magpakita muna sa'yo. Nakuntento na akong maghintay ng chance para makita si Reese. At makita ka, kahit sa malayo. And I seeing you with someone else, I just can't bear it. I would understand because he was there for you from the start. But I was there when he spent the night with you."
I tried to hold back my emotion. I looked at her intently to show her my pain. But nothing compared to what I felt that night.
"I was there to fetch you and Reese para bumalik na dito sa Pilipinas. But I saw him. So I stayed outside for a while and I waited for him to leave. But he didn't."
She closed her eyes. As if trying to erase some bad memory. She sobs quietly this time.
"It's not what you think, nothing happened," pabulong na sabi nito.
In my heart, I believed her. Especially when I see hope in her eyes again.
"That's when I decided to stop hoping for the two of us. I had to let you go. But I didn't know how to start my life again. Because I lost you. So, I called your mom. I told her to call you para umuwi sa Pilipinas. And I went back here, alone. I took all my belongings with me. With Dad's condition, I have to stay here."
I can't bear the thought of her with someone else. It's driving me crazy.
"I decided to hate you. Sabi ko, mag-iisip ako ng mga bagay na kamumuhian ko sa'yo para mawala ka sa isip ko, to forget you. But when I saw you again, I was beginning to loose my grip. I terribly miss you. Gusto kong magalit na lang lagi sa'yo, pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto kitang iwasan but I found myself longing for you. And I will have to do anything to keep you and Reese here. So that you won't go back to Spain anymore."
Naalala ko ang sabi ng Mommy niya. Na gustong-gusto niyang magkaayos kami. Pero gusto rin niyang sumaya si Haley. Ans she thinks she's happy with him. Kahit alam niyang nasasaktan ako, wala siyang magawa. Ayaw niyang makialam.
"I have my own key to your unit.Your Mom gave it to me. Because, she was hopeful that we can still work things out. Pero natatakot siya sa'yo. Natatakot siyang makialam ulit sa buhay mo. Naawa ako sa kanya kasi wala siyang ginawa kundi umiyak at sisihin ang sarili niya sa nangyari. And lately, she reminded me about the anulment papers. I told her about my plans to get you back. But now, it's impossible because you're happy with someone else. She was afraid you'd find out the papers were not filed yet. So, to make her feel better, I promised her to file it in case you decide to... marry again."
Kahit na hindi ako sure kung kaya kung gawin 'yon.
"No, its' not gonna happen," sagot nito.
When will she stop crying? Niyakap ko siya. Kung pwede ko lang kunin lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya. Kung pwede ko lang ibalik sa dati ang lahat. 'Yung hindi na siya masasaktan pa.
"I'm so sorry. Kasalanan ko ang lahat." Pauli-ulit siya sa pagso-sorry.
What will I do to make her feel better?
"I was just trying to – move on. And he was –there. And – and –" She's sobbing wildly.
Pinunasan ko ang mga luha niya. Hinawi ko ang ilang buhok sa mukha niya. Her face is a mess but still gorgeous.
"I know. Tahan na."
"I'm really sorry."
"I know and I forgive you, matagal na," sagot ko.
Kahit alam kong walang dahilan para patawarin siya, kasi wala siyang kasalanan. I just hope that will make her feel better. She gave me weak smile. And she squeezed my hand.
"It's always been you. No one else," sabi nito.
I believed her. Kahit na nagkaroon siya ng boyfriend, I knew it. I feel it. And now, everything is falling back into places.
"I know baby. And I feel the same."
She held my face. Carress my cheeks. And I kissed her. Slowly. That's our first kiss in three years. And I was a love sick teenager again.
She pulled away.
"Ang daya mo naman. After all those years, I missed you so much."
I smiled and held her face.
"And you were just right there nang hindi ko alam. I was thinking, you didn't care anymore, sa akin at kay Reese. So, I tried to forget you, but I can't. I missed you more each day. And just when I thought I found someone else, I thought it would make my life easier. And it will make me happy. But –"
She's still stunning even in her tears.
"Tahan na. You've spent most of your life crying. I won't promise, but I will do anything for you not to cry anymore."
Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit. I hugged her back. I have her again. And I'll never let her go.
"I love you so much baby. Nothing's changed. No one else." Inulit ko lang ang sinabi niya.
Nagulat ako nung tinulak niya ako nang mahina.
"Why?"
Nakasimangot siya at umirap. "Sino 'yung babaeng kasama mo dati?"
Did she just say that? I want to throw some punch in the air. She's back. I can't help but grin from ear to ear.
"She's an employee," I assured her.
It's Patricia.
"You allowed such dress code in the office? Halos lumuwa na ang dibdib niya."
Natatawa ako. Pero hindi ko pwedeng ipakita sa kanya. Baka magalit siya. Pwede kong isiping nagseselos siya.
I pulled her close. "I'm not in the position para makialam sa suot niya. He's Hans' assistant. Wala akong assistant so I asked for help, occasionally."
"She said she could drop by that night. Did she normally spend nights here?"
I really miss her. Ganitung-ganito siya bago siya umalis. She nagged. At kung magtanong daig pa ang imbestigador. But I find it cute and amusing. And I don't mind.
"No. We used to go out, but in group. Those were the night when I arrived from Spain. I was just just trying to unwind. Hoping I could forget the last memory I had in Spain before I left."
The thought that she spent the night with that guy. It was driving me crazy. And mad. And it hurts like hell. And I could drink all beers and wine, I didn't care. I wanted to get drank so that I coud get some sleep.
But now that she's back in my arms, honestly, I didn't care anymore what the hell happened to both of them. It doesn't matter. Ang importante, nagkaayos na kami. Whatever happened in her life when I wasn't around, kahit masakit kailangan kong tanggapin. Because I love her so much.
"I'm sorry. But it's over between me and Seth," she assured me.
I stopped for a moment. It's over between the two of them. Matutuwa na ba ako? O malulungkot kasi nasaktan na naman siya. Did she cry again? Kaya ko bang matuwa habang nasasaktan siya? It doesn't matter anymore. I have to trust her words.
It's always been you.
And that she still loves me. And I'll hold on to what she said. And that's more than enough. I kissed her once again. I shiver when our lips touched. I miss her supple lips. I can't believe everything is so real. I felt her hands firmly grasping my hair. I felt her warmth and softness. I held her tight. Hindi ko na kaya. I missed so much. I scooped her and opened my bedroom door. And there, I laid her gently, in my bed. And looked at her. She's there lying and waiting.
"You know how long have I waited for this day. For three years, I prayed to be at least near you. But here you are. In my arms. And in my bed. Once again."
I did not waste any time. I pulled off my shirt and joined her. I kissed her roughly. I tugged her blouse off her head. I know she misses me, too. My hands feast on her breasts. They're fuller, yet still firm. I love to feel them in my hands. Her hands are eagerly undoing my buttons. I can no longer wait. I pulled off her shorts along with her knickers.
Then I heard Reese crying from the speaker installed on my wall. We stopped and stared at each other. And we're laughing.
I picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Hello, Liza. Pakipuntahan naman si Reese sa nursery room."
Tinatanong niya kung kasama ko si Haley.
"Oo, Bakit?"
Hinahanap daw siya ni Mommy.
"Sabihin mo nasa kwarto ko siya. At pakisabi rin, 'wag kaming istorbohin. Alam na niya 'yon."
I turned off my phone and threw it somewhere else. She is trying to hide her smile.
"What's with the smile?"
Umiling siya. "You miss me that much," asar niya.
"I don't." I teased her and pressed my hardness on her.
Tumawa siya nang malakas at pinalo ako sa dibdib. I held her hand. I can't contain my happiness.
"I'm m so glad Reese came. Siguro kung wala siya nang maghiwalay tayo, baka hindi ka na bumalik."
Dahil wala na siyang dahilan para bumalik pa. Si Reese lang naman ang dahilan kung ba't siya umuwi. And I don't want think about those dark times anymore. I was about to kiss her when she restrained me.
"Did you tell that girl that I had pregnancy problem?"
Kirsten? Nagkausap na naman sila?
"What? No!" gulat kong sabi. "What made you think na sasabihin ko 'yon sa kanya?"
"She told me, that I wasn't capable of having a baby. Because I was sick."
Did I tell her? I can't even remember.
"I can't even remember mentioning it to her. Maybe I did. Kaya siguro alam niya. She also had the same problem. But I can't really remember. At lalong hindi ko sasabihin ang personal problems natin sa kanya."
"Are you sure?" nagdududang tanong nito.
"Yeah, and please don't mention her anymore." Ayokong masira ang mood niya.
Si Kirsten ang puno't dulo ng lahat. So I kissed her hungrily. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilalagay ang mga kamay ko. One moment, I was cupping her face, then all af a sudden I was grasping her hair. My hands on her back, then to her waist pulling her body close.
She pulled away. "I cant breathe," reklamo nito habang nakangiti.
I gave her time to catch her breath. I pressed my forehead to hers.
"Okay ka na?" tanong ko.
Tumango ito. And I kissed her again. I felt her grin on my lips. Natawawa siya.
She's happy. And so am I.
Marami akong gustong sabihin sa kanya. I want to do a lot of things. Things that I should have done for the past three years. Hurting her was the part that I regret in my whole life. My world ended when she left. And she took everything. Nothing's left with me. I died for the past three years. And she made me live again.
She's my potion. She's my kryptonite. She's my sanctuary. She's my everything. She completes me. I may not be good with words, but I surely know how to show her how much I love her. I'm not sure what future will hold for both of us. One thing Im sure of. I will not let that happen again. Nothing, or no one will keep us apart.
Ever.
***
Next chapter is the Epilogue.