Chapter 11 - Lonely
I am heartbroken.
I spent all weekend replaying that night in my head. The look on his face when he saw it, the hurt and betrayal in his eyes when he stared at me, his emotionless voice, the deafening silence, the tears I shed when I got home.
Guilt.
It was consuming me, destroying me. How could I just ruin everything? Doing that to him, the one person I most need, was so shameful. How could I do it knowing how enraged I was when I found out about his 'boyfriend'?
Of course, I could blame it on the drinks, on everything and everyone, but the truth was simple. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking that night would mean something to us or that it was wrong. The thought of hurting him didn't cross my mind once.
In the past couple of days, I tried to convince myself it was fair. Mathew for the fuckbuddy. If we aren't together, it is okay. But is it, though?
No. He left the other guy for me and I should've been what he expected me to be. Faithful.
And that brings us to right now, to looking through the glass, staring at his back and gathering courage to get inside.
I push the door open and walk to the counter, each step heavier than the prior.
"A blueberry milkshake, please," I ask, voice restraint, and sit down next to him. "Good morning" I greet but he doesn't even look at me.
James is more focused on his drink.
Gema sets my milkshake on the counter and I thank her with a brief smile that takes longer to come than it should've.
"Are you mad at me?" I ask.
Funny how we switched places.
He still doesn't look at me, but he isn't giving me the silent treatment as I feared.
"No" he doesn't explain any further.
This is where we are different. I was extremely angry when I found out about his friend, yet James is an extremely calm and reserved person. He won't shout, but that doesn't mean he understands and forgives.
Looking at the scowl he wore, the feeling I had two nights ago and on the first day I met him surfaced again.
"James, I'm so sorry! Tell me what can I do to..."
"Stop!" he demands. "You already said that."
He doesn't even finish his drink before leaving, just gets up and tosses a few coins on the counter.
"Wait! Please, talk to me! James!" I call "Please, don't ignore me"
He doesn't care.
"At least now you know what feels like to be ignored by the person you love."
Love. He said he loves me. I don't even know what to say...
But I don't get a chance either, since he leaves before my eyes. And then my heart shatters as I see him.
Through the glass doors, I can see James walking up to the same guy he promised to break up with. He was leaning against James' car, crossed armed and with a smug smile.
I turn around before I have to see something I cannot handle.
I press my hand against my mouth in hysteria, so hard I can't breathe.
I can't believe this! I do something wrong and he goes running back to his ex?
I lost him, didn't I?
No words can describe what I'm feeling right now. After last night, our beautiful last night with shared laughs and hugs, I didn't think he could just leave me.
I love him too, so much. How could we do this to each other?
My vision blurs with the tears building up in my eyes and Gema's figure appears out of nowhere with a tissue. I try to stop them from falling, but I can't hold them in, sobbing quietly against my palm.
I blink and clean my face with Gemma's tissue...
"Avery? Are you okay?" she asks, concerned.
I sigh and grab my milkshake, half strangulating it.
My vision's blurry. "I'm fine. I'm great"
"You're not great. Maybe you should go home," she tells me.
I should go to school, yet all I want is to wrap myself in a blanket and cry it out. Then I'll buy ice cream and watch Stranger Things like all heartbroken girls do in the films.
"Yeah, maybe I should"
"I'll call you parents-"
"No," I cut her off. "It's not a big deal, no need to worry her. I can walk back, my house is just on the other block."
Not very convinced, she accepts it and goes back to work, still monitoring me.
I like Gema, she's great. The poor girl has three jobs to pay for college and her dad's chemotherapy, though it's not enough. Technically, she has a scholarship, but it doesn't pay for everything.
I'd like to help her, but what can I do? I'm probably going to community college unless my grades at A levels get me a scholarship too and lately my grades haven't been so good.
I watch as the chestnut-haired girl delivers orders. I admired her a lot, even before she told me her story. From day one I saw this beautiful girl, so perfectionist, doing her job, gracefully preparing orders, commanding the rest of the servers, all while having to carry her burden.
I finish my drink and go home, only to find an empty house to greet me. Monday is the worst day for my mum. She works all day long and sometimes takes the night shift. Things have changed a lot in the past four years when I moved here, but even though mum is home a lot more than dad used to, I'm still alone. That's why I try to be away as long as I can. Going out with my friends, study groups with other students... everything, so I don't have to be home alone.
I let myself fall on the couch and turn on the TV. Soon I'll have several missed calls from Courtney and various voicemails with death threats because I left her alone.
For lunch, I order a pizza and sit crisscross on the couch. I dial a friend's number on my phone.
It rings and I wait, getting slightly impatient.
"I'm at school. What do you want?"
Well, that's aggressive.
"Hello to you too. Was I supposed to wait until you were in class?"
I'm five hours ahead of her, so I assumed she had just woken up. One had always to be careful when calling her because she would be in class or being watched by her parents.
"Obviously not. I have to go in so... what do you want?"
"That's harsh. Can't I just call you because I miss you? Seriously, Jade, be nicer"
I hear her sigh on the other end and an insignificant movement makes me think she's already somewhere crowded in the school.
"You never call me during the week," she points out. "And you should be at school, too. I know you called for a reason."
"Okay, fine," I give in. "I'm skipping because I'm having troubles with a guy I like"
Silence from her side. I don't blame her. I know how pathetic it sounds.
"And you called me?" disbelief colours her voice. "Avery, have you met me? I never had a boyfriend! If someone had boys troubles, they would come to you, you absolute idiot."
Jade never had a boyfriend because she's into girls and she doesn't know. It's pretty obvious, actually.
"Well, I can't talk to myself, you absolute fool."
I could feel her roll her eyes, but summarised the whole thing. She heard me with patience and annoyance, but she heard it.
"Well, that's on you," an unfamiliar voice answers me. "You shouldn't have slept with Mathew,"
I frown "Who is this? And why are you commenting on my personal business?"
A long sigh comes from the other side. "It's Jules, a girl from my Maths class. You're on speaker"
"Why did you put me on speaker?" I complain.
This has to be written in the constitution as a serious crime. It's an offence in my privacy. Jade shall be thrown into a cell.
"Because I told her to," Jules says. "Right now, your love life is the most interesting thing happening to me. However, you are kind of bitchy. No offence"
"None taken." I smile ironically, even though they can't see me.
"Anyway, here's what you should do," Jules instructs me. "You're going to leave James for good. From what I could hear, you're not losing much, and date Mathew instead. Am I or am I not amazing?"
I clench my teeth in anger. Who does she think she is to say that about James? She doesn't know him! She doesn't know how great it feels to be the centre of his attention, to hear him talk about his day, to just be around him.
"No, you're not awesome at all," I say bitterly. "Mathew doesn't like me that way and neither do I like him."
Jade is bored. "Then date James. Who cares?"
"I care!" I protest.
"What do you mean I'm not awesome?" Jules asks.
"I honestly hate you two" I exhale and rub my hand against the back of my head.
This is taking me nowhere. Maybe Jules is right, maybe James isn't the one for me, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up that easily. I made a mistake, a very drunk mistake. Can't he see how sorry I am?
"Look, AJ, I don't know what do you want me to say," Jade explains. "What I know is that if you like him and he likes you back, then you'll overcome it. And if you don't, move on."
"And give Mathew my number," Jules added. I think I hate Jules.
"Yeah, yeah, I know..." I sigh.
"Good. Now I have to go to class. Bye"
"Bye"
I toss my phone to the corner of the couch and push my head against the pillow. I hate my fucking life!
I dive into a marathon of Stranger Things before I have to go to the gym to the 9-year-olds ballet class.
☕☕☕
Hello! How you doin'?
Who hates James right now raise your hand!
Ok, vxy, we already know you hated him from the beginning.
Who hates Avery right now raise your hand!
Stop, vxy, you hated her from the beginning too.
Guys, don't be so harsh, we all love a bit of drama...no?