Dedicated to one of the kindest and sweetest person I've come to know here. Thanks birb. For everything.
Wilder pov: The aftermath of the leaked images and the disastrous football match which saw Nico confessing to Wilder and his subsequent bitchy reaction.
'I...I love you.'
The words caused a clashing inferno in my chest, blazing flames of hope and insurmountable sadness that they would perhaps never amount to anything.
Out of habit, I reached for my phone and gazed despondently at the dark screen. My heart was burning to know how Nico was handling the scandal. But somewhere I knew he had always been braver than me. I just wished he didn't have to be so courageous all the time. That sometimes I could be what he needed. But lately, it always seemed to be the other way round.
"Honey," my mom's voice spoke for the hundredth time as I curled into a ball on my bed. "You need to eat."
"I'm not hungry," I answered, hating the way my voice sounded. I didn't know how much of the scandal she was aware of. Had she seen the pictures as well? If she had, would she approach me? Would my dad know?
The thought sent a chill up my back.
I felt the mattress dip slightly under her weight as she sat on the bed. I hid my face in the pillow, ashamed of the hot tears prickling my eyeballs again. She gently stroked my head and spoke in dulcet tones. "It's okay, honey. It's just one miss. You can salvage it."
She didn't say anything about the pictures and I wondered if it was a topic she was deliberately avoiding. I hated the way just a few pictures had torn my world apart. Had shattered the facade I had struggled so hard to maintain. I had never liked Matt, but this felt too low even for him. I didn't know if I would have preferred for him to blackmail me instead. At the very least, it would have given me time, to be honest with Kendra and come out myself before he forced me to in such a nightmarish fashion.
"Wils," she spoke softly, leaning down and planting a kiss on the top of my head. "It can be fixed."
"How?" I sniffled, my voice muffled against the pillow before I finally managed to look at her, my cheeks burning with humiliation. I took a shuddering breath and decided to ask her straight away. "Did you see the pictures mom?"
She was quiet for a while and I assumed the worst. I was half afraid I was going to burn into ashes the longer that the silence stretched.
"Whoever took them did a deplorable thing, Wilder."
I wanted to bawl like a baby in that instant. I moved closer to her and rested my head on her lap. "That was shitty of me mom. I ch-cheated on Kendra. I...I was unfair to Nico. I d-don't-I got so scared mom. And I- I was afraid and I'm such a coward."
"You're not a coward honey," she stroked my head gently as I let the tears fall pitifully. "No one should have their sexuality ousted in the way that you had. It's unfair and really inhuman."
"I cheated on Kendra," I muttered.
"You did," she admitted.
"I hurt Nico so bad." My heart ached and my lungs refused to breathe for a split second when the image of his anguished face flashed in the eye of my mind. His glistening tears, his quivering lip and his abnormally dark irises.
"You didn't mean to," she replied softly.
"I'm a piece of shit."
"Language, Wilder."
I gave a watery chuckle at her sudden rebuke. I sat up straight, wiping my nose on my sleeve pathetically as I spoke in a strangled voice. "I want to apologize to her. She deserved better."
"And you will," she took a deep breath and gave me a soft smile, caressing my cheek tenderly. "People make mistakes, Wilder. But there is no singular thing that ever defines a person. Not the single penalty you missed. Not the single mistake you committed and never, never your sexuality."
"What if she doesn't forgive me?" I asked.
She sighed softly, her eyes dark under the dim lights of my room. "That is her decision, Wils. What you can do is offer your apology. Kendra is an intelligent, kind girl. It will take time perhaps, but I am positive she will forgive you. You have been as much a victim of circumstances as she has."
I sniffled again, steeling myself to ask the question I was terrified of asking. "Did...dad see?"
She pursed her lips but shook her head. "He hasn't. And he won't. I promise you."
I nodded, drowning under a surge of relief that immediately made me feel ashamed. I had switched off my phone and turned to seclusion, trying to escape from the terrifying reality that something I was so insecure about had been blasted open for the world to see and ridicule. The vile remarks at the football match still felt like daggers plunging into my heart. And the worst of it had been my own inhuman reaction to Nico's confession. When all I had wanted to do was let him know how terrifyingly deep my feelings for him were.
"You can take an off for a few days," she continued. "Hopefully let this settle down."
I shook my head. "I have practice. I can't...I can't fu-" she grimaced slightly and I quickly backtracked, "-mess up the next match."
The corner of her mouth lifted in a slight smile. "Are you sure you will be okay?"
"Someday," I answered truthfully, picking at a stray strand from the bedsheet. "I'll...wait."
This time, she did smile. "Just keep your stance, Wilder. You're braver than you believe. But, do not pick up fights. Not even with these- excuse my language- shit bags who ousted you. Okay?"
I didn't answer right away, anger burning in my chest, fueled by humiliation and sorrow.
She sighed softly, "Wils. You never know-"
"-what someone is going through."
"Right," she nodded when I completed her sentence and kissed my forehead. "Be kind. That is true strength. And let that kindness extend to yourself as well. Okay?"
"Okay," I answered in a small voice.
She nodded and rose to her feet. "And come on down, I am not bringing dinner upstairs."
I almost smiled at her exaggerated indignation before she left the room. I stared at the floor for a while, my mind a tornado of catatonic emotions. I reached for my phone and switched it on. Immediately I crashed into reality as my phone was flooded with notifications. My heart fluttered in anguish when I saw Nico's number among the missed calls.
I ignored the notification, putting my phone on 'do not disturb' and instead clicked on the text message icon. I went to Nico's contact, seeing a few texts from him asking if I was okay.
The little nugget was still worried if I was okay. How brave and selfless could a person ever be?
I almost smiled and typed in a text that I would someday have the courage to send. Someday when it would be alright to be myself. Someday when love would be the only thing that mattered. Someday when I would be as brave as him. Someday when I would be ready to find myself.
I took in a deep breath and typed in slowly.
'I love you too. So much.'
*
I reached for my eight am class at seven-thirty the next day. I sat on the last bench, aware of the sudden glances and whispers targeted in my direction. I fixed my gaze on the book in front of me, barely comprehending anything that was being taught. It felt like the harder I was trying to ignore the judgemental stares, the more difficult it was becoming to ignore them. If things were as bad as this for me, I couldn't imagine how much worse they had been for Nico.
My mind drifted back to what he had said. To be honest. To stop sneaking around. But that would require courage I didn't have. Not yet at least. I couldn't understand why it had to be so complex. But I knew somewhere in my heart that love truly was simple, it was people who were complex.
I felt my ears heating up when I heard the remarks thrown at me progressively worsen. Beginning from homophobic slurs to much more explicit words that made me feel disgusted. I spent a lot of the day taking deep breaths and listening to unnecessarily loud music to drown out my own thoughts.
During the break that day, I found an empty classroom and decided to wait there rather than face the entire school. While I did, however, I heard footsteps moving closer towards the door and my heart sank when a familiar face appeared near the doorway.
"Kendra?" I sat up straighter, my stomach knotting uncomfortably at her sight. She nodded, her eyes unreadable as she walked up to where I was sitting on the last bench and sat on the bench across from me. "Er...how did you...find me?"
"Kavinsky saw you slip inside this room," she answered in a stoic voice. I didn't know what to say and resorted to staring at the floor instead, balling my fists uncomfortably.
"I wish you had told me, Wilder."
I remained quiet, my throat tight as I fidgeted nervously. Told her what? That I needed her to maintain my social standing? That I was a spineless, fake guy who was exploiting both her and Nico at once? That I was a coward?
"I...I didn't know what to say."
She sighed and to my shock, placed her hand on mine on the table and stroked the back of it gently. "Wilder, I'm really sorry that you have had to go through this. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not hurt by this but-" she took a deep breath and the broken pieces of my heart seemed to shatter even more as her eyes glistened. She blinked and they were back to normal. "But I can understand why you did this. I just hoped you realized that I honestly care for you, Wilder."
I bit my lip and nodded, my heart swelling to twice its size. What did I ever do to deserve such amazing people in my life?
"I am sad that we can never be, but I'm sadder that you had to hide who you are, Wilder. That you had to hide this amazing, wonderful human being that I know you are capable of being."
I turned away from her, my throat closing up at her words. "I'm sorry, Kendra," I answered sincerely. "You deserve the world. I can't give you that and I'm sorry."
She rose to her feet and smiled down at me, a single tear rolling down her cheek that she hastily wiped away. "I reported those pictures by the way and forced all my friends to do the same," she chuckled sadly and shook her head. "People will forget about this soon Wilder. This should never have been such a big deal. And...I know you will be back to yourself in the next match. You just need to accept yourself before the world accepts you."
I stared at her, dumbfound. Had I not accepted myself? I wasn't sure. I had been so intent on hiding, putting up a facade that perhaps somewhere in the midst of it all I had lost touch with reality. And the reality remained that I was in love with someone which many wouldn't approve. But I couldn't understand. Why did gender matter? Its hearts that fall in love. If bodies were to love, wouldn't it just be lust?
I wished the world would understand. I wished Nico's mom and my dad would understand.
"Thank you, Kendra," I said in a choked voice and managed to nod at her. She leaned down and kissed my cheek gently before straightening up and sniffing loudly.
"Good luck, Wilder Collins. You deserve to be happy. And you deserve to be yourself."
She turned and walked away after giving me an assuring smile. I gazed after her for a long time, my ears ringing.
A remained for the rest of the break in the mercifully empty classroom. To my shock, I found that the whispers and vile comments seemed to lose inertia as the day progressed. Even though I spend the day trying to pretend that I was alright, I was dreading the last class of the day, English.
I reached inside my bag and fished out the project I had somehow put together at the last minute. It was the song twenty one guns by Green Day, emphasising, according to me the importance of communication and how lack of it rips apart people. I wasn't sure if I had got all the literary devices correct but I couldn't find it in myself to care.
I entered English class much before anyone else did and quickly made my way to the right end of the room. I sat down and took a deep breath, steeling myself and placing my project on the table. I hoped that I was done with the taunts for today.
I lay my head on the desk and turned away, fixing my gaze on the wall as whispers and more noises drifted to my ears. I wished I could tune the world out into a vacuum.
Thankfully, Miss Roberts entered class soon and the noises died down when she began the project without a preamble. I kept staring at the wall before I heard Brad's name and curiously glanced at the front of the class where he stood listlessly, explaining to Miss Roberts why he couldn't complete the project.
I didn't know what he told her but seeing his condition, he looked genuinely sick. His eyes looked sunken, his hair more messed than usual. Perhaps it was merely the absence of his malicious smirk that was suddenly making him look so vulnerable and morose. Or was it because of Nico?
I couldn't find it in myself to feel guilty for his heartbreak. Nico was way too good for either of us anyway. Even if Nico didn't have feelings for me, there was no way he would ever go for someone as vile as him.
I remained sitting quietly for the rest of the class, making a conscious effort not to look anywhere except the front of the class. My stomach felt like it had earthworms pirouetting inside, my chest heavier than ever when Nico was finally called to present his project.
I was mildly curious as to which lyrics he would go for. From what I knew, he was mostly into music without the words. Though he did have a few favourites. 21 Guns being one of it.
He rose to his feet, looking extremely nervous as he gulped and his eyes unmistakeably swivelled to mine. The gaze left me breathless and I quickly glanced way, my heart hammering. I hated the way he looked. I hated how sad everyone was because of me.
I sat up straighter, knowing that he had the habit of fixing his eyes on the wall or something inanimate whenever he was performing an oral presentation. He always said looking into people's faces made him nervous. Although I had given him a hard time about orating with his eyes fixed on the ceiling, a comical sight in middle school.
The old memories made my heart ache. I didn't know if things between us would ever be fine, but before I could muster the courage, I would take every opportunity just to look at him, even from afar.
"Um...my poem is called Th-The Bird that Forgot to Fly," he stuttered, glueing his eyes to the sheet of paper. I realized he had himself written the poem. I gazed at him, my heart racing as he began.
Nico always told me he wasn't a genius at writing. That he merely wrote because he loved to. But just like everything else, his love was strong and beautiful. So much so that his words seemed like art to me, even though I didn't fully understand them sometimes.
His poem, however, I could understand every single word. Every hidden emotion. I could feel his grief through the words percolating into my very soul. I remembered the first time I had seen him. The quiet, chubby little nugget who had had so much to give. I remembered the first time he had offered me a KitKat, a peace offering because I was the first person who had been nice to him in a very long time.
He still wouldn't tell me what the entire ordeal with his elementary school was. But if he wanted to forget about it and move on, I wasn't going to force him to relive it by telling me.
Each of his words made my heart splinter another inch. How I had been forced to abandon him. How I had lost myself in the process. Somewhere deep inside me I knew he was worthy of so much. He was so much better than I could ever imagine to be, and I had honestly thought he would move on.
But he hadn't.
His scars today as fresh as mine.
His agony today as tangible as mine.
And his love, as strong as mine.
My throat closed up completely as I gazed at him, entranced. Even though he hadn't looked up from his sheet of paper once, even though his voice was barely holding on, I knew he meant that poem for me. I knew I was the beautiful bird. Only, he didn't know that was how I saw him.
For someone like him who always yearned to see the best in people, always giving them the benefit of the doubt, always being so forgiving, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let that ability extend to himself. Why he wouldn't see that goodness in himself. When that was all I could see in him.
I felt like someone was strangling me by the time he finished. My entire body felt sore, as if I had been repeatedly flung against a wall. As if I had been beaten ruthlessly. As if my heart had been ripped out of my body and torn into shreds. He was in pain and I was the reason for that. It was wrong that his mother would be ashamed of him if she knew what he was. It was wrong that I had to break his heart and my own in the process of maintaining my flimsy facade. It was unjustified that my heart couldn't be with the person it now beat for.
I took a deep breath and fished out my phone, gazing at the unsent text message from last time and promised myself that I would confess to him.
It was time to find myself.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Okay what the fuck. This chapter was also super emotional for me to write. I had a faint inkling of Wilder's background in my head, but I never had truly explored it before like now. I realized how deep the implications of the entire scandal were on Wilder, the former 'golden boy' of Northwood High who became a victim of the circumstances.
I know that several of you guys have mixed thoughts about him. But I hope one day, Wilder will rise above himself and be the person he deserves to be and the person Nico deserves as well.
I think this was all the requested content. I do know many of you wanted Brad's perspective about the same as this chapter, and I might do it soon!
Hope you guys are enjoying the bonus content! My university started so you know...But maybe the sudden change of pace would be good for my creativity XD Atleast I hope so.
Once again, thank you so much for all the love and support. I'm truly grateful and humbled.