"what if I become him?" I asked daniel out of the blue, we were laying in bed, I had a rough day and I just let it blurt out what I had been thinking my entire life, "who?" he asked me, obviously just wanting to go to bed, it was so late and I don't blame him for it.
"my father" I told him, "you won't" he told me, "but how do you know that?" I asked him "because you know the things he does is wrong and you know better than to act like him" he said. "when I look in my future I don't ever see anything good daniel" I told him.
"what do you mean?" he asked me, turning over in bed to wrap his arms around me, "I mean when I think about my life, I don't see anything more for me" I told him "like you'll be dead?" he asked, confused. "no" I said unsure, "maybe" I told him, "I don't know where i'm going in life" I told him.
"you're going to college to get your degree and to do something you love" he told me and I took a deep breath in "i'm not so sure that i'll love it" I said and he sighed, "i'm just confused" I told him. "about?" he asked me, trying to figure where all of this was suddenly coming from but it hadn't been sudden at all, at least not for me.
"I mean, it's like I'm on airplane mode" I told him "like, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want, I don't know how to figure it out, and I just want to.." I said but never finished the sentence, the room was quite and I swore I couldn't hear a single thing, not even daniels breathing, which always make me feel safe.
"want to die?" he asked me, worried "yeah" I said softly, "I think swallowing a bunch of pill seem better than facing my future" I told him, truthfully. "and that scares me" I said, "scared that i'll try to fill that.. whatever it is with Alcohol, many drugs" I told him.
"my dad filled his with alcohol and look where it got him" I said to daniel, "baby" he said "I just, I don't know what i'm feeling except that I know everyone has their life figured out and they know what their going to do but I don't, all I can think about is how it would be better if I was just dead" I told him.
"it wouldn't" he told me "why not?" I asked him, "because their are so many people who need you" I shook my head "that's the thing daniel, whenever they need me I'm there for them but whenever I need them to notice the suffering i'm going through, no one is ever there" I told him.
"I am" he said and I took a deep breath trying not to cry, "I feel so alone" I told him, a tear falling down my cheek "that no one ever sees that i'm actually in real pain and people think i'm faking it for attention" I told him staring at my wall and not looking away from it.
i'm not a person to express my emotions, so these took daniel for a twist.
"but i'm hurting, it hurt so bad and I don't want to hurt anymore, I want to be happy, I want to know what i'm going to do in life" I said and I just let my tears fall, "and I try to make myself happy, I try to stuff myself with things I know make me happy but daniel, it isn't working anymore and I don't know what to do" I told him.
"I want to have the chance to meet my siblings children, I want to have something to look forward to, a reason to get up every morning but it's so hard" I said "I just want to lay down and not wake up" I told him and he was completely holding me as I sobbed to him now.
"no one feels this like I do and they make me sound crazy when I try and being it up" I told him "or they tell me I don't really feel this way" I said. "no baby listen, it's completely normal to have these feelings and have these thoughts, a ton of people do, you just need some professional help is all" I shook my head.
"that makes me look crazy" I told him, "no it makes you strong" he said and kissed my cheek, "the fact that you've been struggling with this for so long, you've gotten up every morning knowing you could take some pills and a nap and just end it but you don't, that takes so much strength, I don't even think I could do it" he told me.
"i'm telling you that I can't do it anymore" I told him and he nodded, "just try" he told me, "for yourself, for your siblings kids, their going to need their cool aunt around okay" I nodded as I cried a bit harder now, "I know you got this in you y/n"