“You know you don’t have to sleep here. You can go back to the hotel and come back in the morning. I’m just going to be sleeping… nothing interesting.” He laughed a bit at the frown on Scott’s face as he tried to get comfy in the sleeper next to his bed.
“You can’t honestly think I’m leaving you right now?”
MItch smiled at him as he watched him shift around again. He was exhausted, but thankful. He’d been moved to a regular room earlier that day and the constant visitors, the uniforms and their questions… the constant rotation of doctors and nurses… it was a lot to deal with. He stared at the beautiful man next to him, watching him every moment that he could. He noticed that Scott didn’t smile very much, at least not really.
He’d also found out today that they’d lost Jeremy. His parents hadn’t wanted to tell him yet, neither did Kirstie, but he could tell by the look on her face when he’d asked about him. Scott had been the one to explain and it was a tough pill to swallow. He knew he shouldn’t, but he had enough guilt inside of him to fill the grand canyon. If he hadn’t been so insistent about going to that stupid bank in the first place none of this would have happened. If he hadn’t whined and bargained until Scott came with him then there was a good chance he’d have just been killed that day and Jeremy would still be alive. Scott wouldn’t be this broken down version of himself, always worried… always afraid. Kirstie would still be happy and things would have been better. If he had put his phone on vibrate… would things have been different? If he’d been bigger, stronger… if he’d been smarter…
He had to clench his fists to keep the memories at bay.
“You need to sleep. The doctor said you need rest to heal.”
How can I sleep when everytime I close my eyes I see his face? “You too. Please try to sleep. I’m ok now."
He nodded a bit. “Goodnight, Mitch.”
“Goodnight, Scott.”
_____
“He’s finally sleeping?”
Mitch was awake, but he kept his eyes closed even now when he heard Alex’s voice as he entered the room.
“Yeah. Today’s been hard on him. He really wanted to be there, not just for Jeremy but for Kirstie too." he heard Scott answer.
It was hard. He had been devastated when he found out he wouldn’t be allowed to leave the hospital in time to attend Jeremy’s funeral. It was tough having to come to terms with that, but he didn’t really have a choice.
“How are you doing with everything?”
“Tired, but still a bit better I guess. Now that I know he’s safe, it’s a little easier to let him breathe.”
“Has he said what happened, yet? What … I mean… what he…y’know”
Scott sighed in response and it broke his heart knowing he was putting that man through this. It hadn’t even been as bad as it could have been, but he just wasn’t quite ready to talk about it yet. When he’d been questioned by the feds he’d asked that Scott leave the room. He didn’t want him knowing any of it, didn’t want to add to his burdens anymore than he already had to.
“No. The doctor didn’t think he’d been… raped… or anything, but I don’t… I mean …”
He could hear the breaks in Scott's voice and hated being the cause.
“He’s a strong man. He’ll be back in your arms in no time.”
There was hesitation… he could feel it in the air even without seeing it and it sliced away another piece of his heart to add to the growing pile.
“Look, about the other night-” Scott began.
“Don’t. It’s ok. I get it, you were drunk and upset.”
“I shouldn’t have... “
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Thank you for not… “ he paused along with Mitch’s heart “… for being you. Thank you for taking care of me.”
“Anytime.”
He wished he could cry, wished he could scream or maybe just disappear. He didn’t want to be part of this conversation, didn’t want the details, just… didn’t want to know. He tried to remind himself that he trusted Scott. He tried to remind himself that Scott loved him and would never hurt him like that. He tried.
He could hear Scott sniffling, could hear movement and guessed they were hugging. Well why not. Why wouldn’t they.
“We should go.” Alex said quietly. Silence. “He’ll be ok. It’s just a few hours and Jeremy deserves that.”
He heard footsteps and felt the briefest, lightest kiss against his forehead. “I’ll be back later.”
More footsteps and then they were gone. Then he could cry… wallow... hurt.
----
“So, what’s really going on?”
Scott looked at Alex as he rummaged through his bag looking for something to change into. Mitch’s dad had wanted to stay with him that night so he’d acquiesced and gone back to the hotel. “What do you mean?”
“You asked me not to leave, so I haven’t. I mean, I get why you’re not there tonight, but you’re a little… distant. ”
“What are you talking about? I’ve been there every day.”
“You know what I mean. Honesty, Scott. What are you afraid of?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“It’s like you’re scared of him. You sit like 10 feet away..”
“I sit right next to him!”
“Scott…”
“Shut up! You don’t know, ok! WE’RE FINE!”
He held up his hands and let the subject drop. He just hoped Mitch had better luck getting through to him than he did.
___
“Are you sure you don’t want another pillow?”
“Scott, i’m positive. I’m fine, I swear.”
“Babe, you said your neck hurts.”
He reached out his hand for him, and Scott took it, but he could see an almost imperceptible twitch of his eye when he touched his hand. “It’s fine.”
Scott hates hospitals. He hates hospitals and sick people. He’ll be better when we’re home.
“Can I have a kiss yet?”
“I already kissed you this morning.”
He pouted a bit but Scott got up and gave him a quick peck. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
He chewed on his lip, wondering what was happening between them.
____
It was an odd feeling, walking back through the door of their apartment.
So many things were different now and he’d never look at it the same way.
“Babe, I love you but I am tired and would really like to sit down.”
He turned around with a bit of awkwardness as he was pulled from his own mind. It took him a second to realize Mitch wanted him to move out of the doorway so he could come inside.
Mitch’s parents weren’t far behind as they trailed in. Mitch definitely looked tired, but so much better than he had two weeks ago. He sighed dramatically as he flopped down on the couch. “Thank GOD i’m home.” He sent a smile over to Scott, but he couldn’t bring himself to lift his lips more than just a tiny bit in response.
“Scott, honey where are the extra sheets? I want to make sure his bed is nice.”
He was thankful for the distraction and hurried off to help Mitch’s mom prep his room for his return. Besides he had some things he’d borrowed that he definitely needed to return.
~~~
“Mom they’re just sheets. It’s fine!” He looked at Scott and tried to grab his hand as he walked by. “Babeee… you don’t have to.”
He sighed as he disappeared into the bedroom.
“He’s not going to be the same, son.” Mike parked himself next to him and he hated that he knew he was right. “Neither will you.”
“It’s done, dad. He’s gone and we’re finally ok. We’re safe now. I saw him… I knew the moment he was gone. You could see it in his eyes. That bastard is out of our lives for good. I’m safe now and I’m home.”
“I know that, but it’s really hard leaving you y’know? I don’t want to let you out of my sight.”
“I know. It’s going to be like it was, he’s going to be afraid all of the time.”
“Maybe not, but you are way too special to lose. He knows that. It’s going to take time for both of you.”
“I’m sorry you and Mom and Jess had to go through that.”
Mike reached out to push a bit of hair out of his face.. “And I am so very sorry that the world is such a dark place that people like that psychopath even exist. I’m sorry that this is the world we live in. I’m sorry that you had to go through … more than anyone should. You’re a strong man, Mitch Grassi. I’m proud to call you my son.”
“Daadddd…” He whined a bit as he wiped at his eyes. “I thought I told you I’m allergic to emotions.”
Mike smiled at him and gave him a quick squeeze.
“Ok, your bed is all ready and Scott put your toys back where they belong.”
Mitch raised an amused eyebrow and his mother just rolled her eyes and chose to ignore his smirk.
“Are you sure you don’t want us to stay? You know we will. We can get a hotel nearby.”
~~~
Scott stood in Mitch’s bedroom looking around at everything. Every inch of this space reminded him of sleepless nights, tears and nightmares and heartbreak…. waiting and wondering. He could hear Mitch’s parents saying their goodbyes and knew he should get back out there, but he was frozen in memory.
It was over. He had to keep telling himself that. Mitch was alive and well. He’d survived and he was home…and he was still able to smile and laugh and joke… sort of. He was Mitch and yet he wasn’t the same.
“Hey…”
He jumped a bit as Mitch’s voice startled him and turned to look at the man leaning in the doorway.
“Looks like we’re finally alone. My parents said goodbye and they love you. I think they were a little afraid you were naked and in my bed waiting for me.” He smiled lazily. “Or maybe that was just me wishing.”
He couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“Catch me.” He smiled and moved over to Scott, leaning into his chest as he burrowed in.
Scott wrapped his arms around him slowly, carefully. “I’m so glad you let me shave your face.”
“I still need a haircut.”
“Jess did an ok job.” He pulled the beanie off of Mitch’s head.
“I look horrible.”
“You look beautiful.”
Mitch rolled his eyes and sighed.
“Are you hungry?”
“We literally just ate like an hour ago.”
“I know, but… I just don’t want you to be. I mean… you know.”
Mitch looked up at him with a pout, hating this awkwardness. “Kiss me.”
He placed a gentle peck against his lips and the pout slid into a frown. “No, I mean kiss me. Kiss me like you want me.” Scott hesitated and he felt his heart drop to his feet. He stood frozen for a moment, before pulling away. “I get it. I’m damaged goods now. No need to pretend anymore. I understand” He turned and headed slowly to his bed. He kept his eyes away from the other man as he worked on untying his sneakers and pulled them off.
Still Scott didn’t move or speak and his silence spoke VOLUMES to Mitch.
He knew he should have seen it coming. The threat was gone, the fear of losing him that Scott had somehow confused for love was no longer there. He could go back to Alex now and Mitch would just be… the broken, damaged one. He should have been prepared for this, but he wasn’t.
He slid beneath his comforter, burying himself in the soft fabric and turning his back on the still immobile man standing as a statue in the middle of his room. As he pulled his rilakkuma bear against him he caught a whiff of Scott’s soap and knew he’d held this bear enough for his scent to rub off of in it. He tried not to cry, tried to remind himself of all of the things he had to be thankful for, but it was really hard to do when all he’d wanted all of those days and nights trapped in hell was to come back home to Scott’s arms. Well, now he was home and those arms didn’t want to hold him. Even surrounded by the blankets he still felt cold and lonely. He now regretted sending his parents away, asking their friends for time alone to just rest. He’d wanted time alone with Scott, but now he was just alone.
He clenched his jaw as he listened for footsteps… the click of his door closing, but none of that came. It was silent and he knew Scott was still there.
He pressed his lips together as hard as he could, trying to hold back the tears he refused to make Scott feel guilty for. He didn’t know why he felt like he deserved it, but for some reason he did.
“I’m sorry.”
Well that did it. Scott’s whispered words shot him straight through the remains of his heart and the tears began to fall.
“I…”
“It’s ok. You don’t have to explain.” He tried to keep his voice even, but the pain was there… loud and clear.
“You don’t understand.”
He whipped his head around at that. “Don’t understand what? That you don’t want me? I get it, ok.”
Scott looked confused and stared at him. “Don’t want you?”
“It’s not like you really tried to hide it. I’m sorry I’m so fu¢ked up.” He sat up and hugged his bear and covers closer around him.
“Are you kidding? Of course I want you!”
“Really? You won’t even touch me… like I’m dirty or something.” He was full on crying now, composure failing him.
“Mitchie... “ Scott’s voice had softened to barely a whisper as he moved to sit on the bed next to him and reached up to touch his face but hesitated at the last moment.
Mitch turned his head away, eyes closing as everything he’d just said was confirmed with just one motion.
“I don’t want to scare you.”
“Scare me?” He opened his eyes and looked at him. Scott was slumped in on himself, staring at Mitch with a sad expression.
“You won’t tell me anything that happened. I don’t know what they-.” He took a deep breath, hissing out his next words. “...what that fu¢king bastard did to you. I don’t want ... you to be afraid of me. I don’t want to do anything that would remind you of… that. Him.”
“I could never be afraid of you. Scott, no matter what they did or didn’t do I know you would never physically hurt me.”
He watched Scott’s face begin to sag before pinching inward. “It sounds horrible… your nightmares. You always sound so afraid. Why don’t you tell me? Talk to me.”
“Because I’m trying to protect you from that!”
“You don’t need to protect me, Mitch! I’m supposed to be protecting you! I want to know how to help you. I can’t if I don’t know what happened!”
“They didn’t… touch me… not like that. They roughed me up a lot, beat me, starved me… humiliated me every chance they could ... but they didn’t do that. I swear.”
Scott looked at him, tears finally beginning to spill from those pale eyes.
Mitch shifted a bit, taking a deep breath. “If we’re on the topic of full disclosure… do you want to be with Alex? Please be honest.”
“Where did that come from?”
“Do you?”
“No! I want to be with you!”
“What did you do… with him .. that night at the hotel. I heard you talking before Jeremy’s funeral.”
He looked so ashamed, face flaming, eyes averted. “You were dying. We’d lost Jeremy… I’d almost lost you so many times. Seeing you like that… laying there wasting away and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. We were just… there… all of us just waiting around like we were just waiting for you to-” He stopped again. “Watching Kirstie… knowing that was going to be me... “ He picked at the comforter. “I got drunk… Alex was nice enough to babysit me. I was drunk and upset and lonely. It was all me. I tried to… I mean at the time I wanted a distraction, an outlet. Thank God he didn’t... I’m so sorry, Mitch. I was so drunk… and…I’m .” He tried to meet Mitch’s eyes but turned them away again. “I can’t even explain how sorry I am.”
Mitch was quiet for a bit as he let himself process the information. He was so used to bad at this point that he just expected the worst. Why not have an almost drunken hookup when your best friend/boyfriend is laying on his death bed. Why the hell not.
But he couldn’t really be angry about it, even though he really wanted to be. Scott was such a physical person. He loved holding hands, loved to snuggle, loved being held and holding someone else. That’s why his reluctance to touch him was heartbreaking. He understood his actions with Alex, and understood he needed comfort, but that didn’t change the heaviness in his chest. This was worse than those weeks in isolation… worse than the pain…the fear... worse than all of it
“It’s ok. I know it was hard for you.”
“Mitch, I love you. You know I do.”
He waited for the ‘but’. He silently prepared his next speech after Scott confirmed what he already knew was in motion. Words were easy… but living after this would be a nightmare. He waited… and waited… but the silence stretched on. It was smothering him. “Just say it, Scott. Say it!”
“Say what? I’m sorry? I don’t know what else to say! I’m trying, ok? I’m… i’m trying."
He forced himself to look up at him when he heard a sniffle coming from the other man.
“I don’t want to lose you… not again… but I don’t know how to act.”
“All of those days, all of that time with nothing to do but stare at a wall and know you were out there somewhere… worrying about me. I was scared, Scott. I was scared you would be lost, broken. All I wanted… every second of every day was to come home to you. All I wanted…” he had to pause as his insides clawed at him, emotions climbing up his throat and out of his eyes… “was for you to hold me.”
He fell apart as Scott wrapped around him, pulling his small body into his arms and enveloping him. His cries were loud, tears soaking in fabric as he dug his fingers into Scott’s shirt. Weeks of fear and pain and loneliness building inside of him until he felt like he’d explode. But Scott was here to hold him together now, even when he was falling apart nearly as much as Mitch was.
“You’re home, Mitchie. It’s over.” his voice cracked as he cried against the top of Mitch’s head. It was over, but really it never would be. There were a lot things sitting in dark corners of their hearts and minds, things that would affect them for a long time to come.
Things would change, not just for them but for all involved.
As Scott pulled away just enough to slide his fingers beneath Mitch’s chin, they both worried for their future but hope still managed to creep through the darkness. Mitch melted into him as lips crashed against his own, hands holding him close as if he were afraid he’d disappear… and maybe he was.
For now they held on to each other and maybe that would be enough.