*A/N: I sort of wrote this as a filler, I am so happy with the support recently with votes and comments and reads so I wrote this as qickly as I could as I have yet to get ahead of myself (as I'm usually 4 chapters in front of what I post). So enjoy a little insight into a blind man's eyes and tell me what you think as there may be more G POV's xx
Chapter 9
Gerard’s P.O.V.
To me, nothing feels more like being dead than being in your 20’s and having no direction in your life. Being blind had held me back, it had made my passion for life wither and die, I had never even thought I’d meet someone that could settle every one of my nerves. Not after the accident.
I felt so lost, like I had no control. No control over my body, over my feeling, or over the demons that haunt me in the night.
The demons that come for me in my dreams are like a thick black mist that fog and clog my brain, they crawl into my mind and sing to me- they tease me and spit at me whilst I’m left in my own blood bath of torture. It left my body shivering and my skin crawling, my ears would pound with the pressure of my blood pumping and my throat would make pained screams wail from me.
And then there was that voice. The white amongst the black. The sweet calm of a smooth rumble, “It’s me, Gee, stop. It’s okay.” He would calm me, telling me everything was okay, that he was there and nothing would ever hurt me. I treasured him in those moments. He seemed like my guardian angel. If only he had a face. From behind my glasses I knew he was small, he was thin, I knew there was something about him that I didn’t need my sight for and that was his heart. I could see it as clear as day glowing through the dark.
“In all the time I’ve been in your room, I have yet to see it in the light.” He had told me one night, his feet propped up on my bed, he had found me curled in a ball this time hidden tight under my covers. I had asked him to stay again, he took his place on his stool and instantly began humming yet I couldn’t sleep.
“It stays dark all the time. There is no need for me to see it anyway.” I sigh turning to snuggle on my side, I put my arm under my pillow and snuggle into it yet keep my eyes closed as I know it’s Frank’s side. He has yet to see my eyes. I don’t know what they look like, I don’t know if they were the same dull color from before or if they were over taken by a mist I felt like I saw, I know I don’t think Frank wants to see them either but his curiosity is beginning to kill him slowly.
“I like that you have a dungeon, it’s so gothic and yet soft and romantic.” He says with amusement in his voice coupled with envy.
I snuggle deeper into my bed, it feels so big and empty, so cold too. But even with Frank being near me I feel his warm radiating from him. I felt it that first night, the night he had been perched on my hips, hands on my chest, on my arms and against my face. I had been startled at first, feeling a weight press onto my hips and a heat spread up my body, I had never felt something like that before that had made me react so sensitively. He had been in hardly any clothing, we had been spread out on my floor together, I knew I needed him off of me before I had a ‘problem’ so I decided to turn cold. I wouldn’t let him in, not when I could never truly trust, no matter how much he made me have goofy smiles and giggle sweetly.
I’m always stuck in my body. I’m always stuck with the issues that it inevitably lends me as I try to go through my life like a “normal” person. But we all have our issues, some are just better at hiding it than others. Some write about it publicly, and some wear masks as they do. Either way, I think the only thing that matters is if you can come to terms with it, and realize that fighting your way in or out of anything will get you nowhere but deeper in your own self-induced sh*t hole. It’s one second at a time, deciding that you are going to be okay and knowing that nobody is ever flawlessly happy, we just pretend to be. And that somehow, the more we pretend, the more we become what we pretend to be, for better or for worse.
Trapped in a world where there is no hope; stuck in a loop where you don’t know which way to go, it had been a problem since I started high school; it had been one Mikey had asked me about and then Frank had been singing about. It’s how to make it through when there’s a fork in the road ahead.
So I turned to Frankie, my eyes closed, my breath even and my stomach fluttering at his closeness. “It’s the time to explore the edges of yourself. Start dressing your body for who you are. Shave half your head and pierce your nipple. Whatever. If you feel the urge to explore it, explore it. I say this because you never know what you’ll find at those far reaches and what you take away may affect the rest of your life in the best way possible.”