It has been a few days since my breakdown and I think I'm finally turning the tide. Every day I have a session with Doctor Blake. The timing of the sessions varies depending on her schedule and mine but we have daily check ins. I have also started running. It has been a good distraction for me and a way for me to get rid of my extra energy. I also broke down and had Diego start showing me some if of the yoga he does and it helps calm me. So far it has been working.
I have also made the decision to take the rest of the year off when I get home. It is long overdue for me to take some time for myself. This break down is finally making me face the trauma of the past. I can't run from it anymore. I want to get better for myself and for Thea. We have talked a few times since my episode and I'm happy that I'm getting to see her soon.
Thea is actually on her way to the hotel right now. She flew into England overnight and I'm pacing in the lobby of the hotel waiting for her to walk through the door. I got texts when she landed and that she is on her way to the hotel but nothing since. I have to be in the venue to do some press and soundcheck in a few hours and I was hoping to have some time alone with Thea before we have to go.
Britt and Alyssa are down here with me and Britt looks like she is about to kill me because of my pacing. I walked around their chairs in another circle and just as I was about to get in front of Britt she stood from her chair and I walked right into her.
"If you don't sit down I'm going to break your legs." Britt said grabbed my shoulders to walk me backwards. She forced me to sit down and I looked up at her.
"Seriously though Ash you're giving me a headache." Alyssa chimed in.
"Stay" Britt said and retreated to her seat.
From my seat I still had a perfect view of the front door. After tonight we only had two more shows but tonight's show is at the O 2 arena and it's sold out. It will be the largest crowd I've played in front of in my career.
The front door opened again and my eyes found the person who walked in. The person look up and I noticed the SPD hat. I shot out of the chair as Thea walked into the hotel a little bit and ran toward her. Thea heard the commotion and looked to find me barreling towards her with just enough time to brace herself for me jumping on her.
Somehow Thea was able to catch me in her arms and I held onto her so tight. Thea's bags fell to the ground and her hat also fell off.
"Oh come on, I missed it!" I heard Nikki say somewhere behind us and I pulled away from Thea a little to look at her.
I ran my hands over her face still not believing that she is standing here right now and leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was hard. For not seeing each other in basically a month, I just wanted her to feel it. But I think we both went a little too hard because we mainly caught teeth. When Thea pulled away I took in her face and saw she's crying.
"Hi" I said and wiped her tears away.
"God I've missed you Ashlyn Monroe." Thea said and gave me a smile.
Thea finally put me down and I helped her collect her things. Alyssa, Britt, Nikki came over and welcomed Thea as I held her bags. Alyssa reminded me of what time we needed to leave for the venue as we got up to our hotel room. Just after I shut the door behind Thea, I dropped her bags to the floor and pushed her up against the wall. Thea moaned into my mouth as I pressed my body into hers.
It didn't take long before all our clothes were scattered like a map that led to the bed. Sex started hard and fast as we haven't seen each other in a month and both of us are frustrated. Then Thea made the turn to slow everything down after the first two rounds. She laid her body on top of mine and took my hand. Thea kissed my palm and then my fingers before she lead it to where she wanted it the most. Her hand pinched my nipple before it made its home between my thighs. I closed my eyes as she entered me with two of her fingers and I followed her action with entering her with two of my own.
"Eyes open baby girl." Thea said in my ear as she slowly pumped in and out of me.
"Yes daddy." I said and my blue eyes found her bright green ones.
We built each other up and it wasn't long before we were both fell over the edge. My empty hand clawed into Thea's back and I knew that I would it would leave angry red marks. Withdrawing our hands from each other, Thea laid all her weight on me and I finally felt at peace. A few tears left my eyes and I turned my head away from Thea so she wouldn't be able to see. Thea felt me move and brought her hand up to force me to look at her. Her eyes are watering too and it made me happy to know she is feeling what I'm feeling.
A little while later Thea slid off of my body and checked something on her phone. It was only for a minute before she returned to my side and pulled me into her neck.
"We have two hours before we need to shower and get ready to go." Thea said quietly. I only kissed her neck in response and closed my eyes.
Sleep came easy after our activities. All too soon I woke up to Thea's alarm going off and I really didn't want to move. Finally getting to sleep next to Thea has me not wanting to move out of bed. But I needed to get up and get moving. Tonight is the biggest show of my career and I need it to go well.
Sadly, I got out of Thea's arms and made my way to the bathroom. A few seconds after I started the shower, I felt Thea wrap her arms around me and I sighed at the feeling I've missed so much. The hot water did wonders for my sore body and a few times during the shower I just watched Thea and poked her body making sure she was really here. Thea didn't mind and every time I poked her she leaned over and gave me a kiss to prove it.
Thea and I got dress after the shower and I get everything I needed for the show tonight before meeting the band down in the lobby of the hotel. We drove together to the venue and my eyes went wide when I saw the building. It looked huge from the outside and I can only imagine how big it looks from the inside.
"Do you want to meet with fans today?" Alyssa asked as I saw the crowd of people already waiting outside.
"Not today." I said as we turned the corner and saw even more people waiting.
"Good idea." Alyssa said in shock when she saw all of the people waiting.
We pulled up to the private entrance and got out of the van. This tour we have been sharing one big dressing room and it's been fine by me. I actually kind of like it that we are all together. Thea held my hand as we followed security and they showed us around the large arena. Once we knew where the important things were I left Thea with my band to talk to Ashley before things got crazy.
I found her inside her dressing room and sat down on the couch. Her assistant took one look at me and left us alone.
"Dude your anxious energy is making you lose your glow." Ashley asked and put her phone down.
"I can't help it, I'm so anxious for the show tonight. There are already so many people waiting outside." I said and brought my legs up into my chest. Ashley knows about what happened and so does her manager and has come around everyday checking in on me. She has told me a few times if I needed to go home then there are no hard feelings and I could go.
"This is the largest crowd you've played for?" Ashley asked and turned around.
"Yea and I feel like throwing up." I said as my stomach started to churn even more thinking about it.
"You need to relax. You have sound check in a little while, how about we go get some food and then you can relax with Thea. I know there are a lot of people outside but maybe we can go and see some fans and that might help a little bit." Ashley said coming up with a plan out of thin air.
"I think I need a drink first." I said eyeing the bottle of champagne sitting in a bucket of ice.
"Absolutely not. Come on, let's get some food in you then we need to cover up that hickey on your neck." Ashley said and pulled me off the couch.
"Fuck, I told her not to leave them on my neck." I said and looked in the mirror at the damage. Thankfully it's just one but its dark.
Just as Ashley opened the door to her dressing room her tour manager Aaron rushed inside followed by Alyssa, Thea and my band.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked getting concerned.
"Ash, you just got nominated for 2 VMA awards." Alyssa said.
"Which Ash?" I asked pointing at both Ashley and myself.
"Ashlyn, you got nominated for 2 and Ashley you got nominated for 1!" Aaron corrected Alyssa.
"You're not joking right?" I asked not knowing how I even got nominated for the awards.
"Look for yourself." Thea said and showed me her phone. I read through the press release of awards and saw my name there twice. The first nomination came for Tell Her You Love Her for video for good and the second brought tears to my eyes. The second nomination came for My Heart for best alternative.
There was a lot of happy yelling and more tears as Ashley popped open that bottle of champagne. We all had a glass as we walked down to catering to get something to eat before I went to sound check. Thea came on stage with me and we ran through every song on the setlist. We did parts of each song and Tell Her You Love Her. I replaced it on this tour with Strong. Both songs are for Thea and about her so I thought it was okay. For the last few shows Ashley let me add it back into my set list even though it made me go over my time limit.
After sound check Ashley brought me to a different side door of the arena and cracked the door open. We could see a few groups of fans standing around but nothing major like the lines were in the front of the building. Thea put her hand on my back and gave me a kiss on the cheek before Ashley opened the door some more and pushed me outside.
About 20 sets of eyes found me and I got to chat with the group for a little while. Ashley even popped her head out for few minutes to say hi to the fans. Under Thea's watchful eye I took selfies with the group and signed some body limbs along with a lot of phone cases. When the crowd started to get larger Thea stepped in and told me it was time to get ready for the show. I said my goodbyes and walked back inside with Thea. Once she was sure the door was closed properly she gave me a kiss on the cheek and I smiled.
"That made me feel better." I said as we walked back to my dressing room.
"I'm glad." Thea answered.
We curled on the couch together as we waited for time to pass. I think it was Britt who broke out the playing cards and we ended up playing poker for a while. Then Alyssa came in and we all had to get ready for the show. Tonight I went simple with a blue tee shirt and black skinny jeans and some converse. Once we were ready we went to the side of the stage and grabbed our instruments. After I was set, I gave Thea a quick kiss before going out on stage.
When the curtain fell and I saw the crowd I almost forgot what song I need to sing. There were so many people in the stands and it took my breath away. It took me a few moments to get myself together and play Temple but once I found my grove there was no going back. As we got through the set I planned on bring out Thea to sing Strong and Tell Her You Love Her to her but she beat me to it after I finished This is Me Trying by come out on stage with a mic in her hand.
"I hope you guys don't mind that I'm intruding." Thea started and crowd roared when they saw her.
"I just want to come on stage before Ashlyn sang her next song because usually this is the part of the show when she would show me off but I want to return the favor today. Ashlyn was nominated for 2 VMA's today. Can you guys show her some love her that!" Thea said and the crowd got even louder.
I looked back and forth between Thea and crowd and just took a moment to soak it all in. When I tore my eyes away from the crowd I looked over to Thea and saw someone came out to give her a stool and took her mic back. I smile and walked over to her and gave her a kiss on her forehead.
"These past few weeks haven't been easy for me and I doubted everything I've been doing. I really thought about giving up on this tour and going home early. This next song is called Strong and it is because of this beautiful woman sitting next to me that I'm on this stage today. So this song is for her." I said and nodded to my band and we started playing.
This was the first time I'm playing the final cut of the song to Thea and it just put a smile on my face. It is such a fun song to play live and it has always been able to put a smile on my face even though I'm having a bad day. After the song was over I launched into Tell Her You Love Her and I held Thea's hand the whole song. I wanted to be connected as I sang the song and this was the best way for me to do that. I also manage to get Thea up out of her seat and I danced around the stage with her.
When the song was over I gave Thea another kiss and escorted her off the stage so I could finish my set. As I finished out My Heart the crowd was still roaring as the photographer got a few different shots of everyone on my crew. I wanted to really remember tonight. Hopefully one day I'll be able to headline an arena this big. I took one final bow before walking off the stage.
a/n: Yes, the song above is from that scene from Wynonna Earp. i knew i needed to add it in this chapter when i actually wrote that little bit of smut. this is probably the most smut i'll ever write. Give it a listen because it is a beautiful song. It's called Ghost by Adaline.
Guess how many wynonna earp references i've made while writing this book? a lot.
also if you're queer or fall into the lgbtq+ community at all and you aren't watching wynonna earp then you need to get your priorities straight.