I can't explain what happened to me yesterday.
I felt like a completely different person. And even though I liked this new, somewhat improved version of me, it was exhausting at the same time.
Because the fire still licking inside me consumes me to some extent, and I'm afraid to see what damage it'll do when it burns down.
Truth is, I feel stronger. My dad's words are etched in my brain, and Hayden definitely has an effect on me that makes me feel wanted and seen. But anxiety, insecurity, and especially depression aren't things you simply get over with. It's a process. A slow and painful one, but one worth making. And I think I'm getting there.
Hayden's arms come around me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder when he joins me in the kitchen. "How are you feeling?" he asks with a kiss on my neck, and even though we spent all morning and half the day in bed, making up for lost time, I melt against his touch again.
"Tired." I smile when he presses another kiss on my shoulder before he reaches over and turns off the portafilter machine in front of me.
"Watch out, Lucky. Wouldn't want to spill anything." His breath fans down my chest, and the way his teeth graze over my collarbone makes my heart thunder again. The effect he has on me should be illegal.
"Hayden," I breathe out, trying to regain control in this scenario, obviously to no avail. His hands already find their way beneath the oversize shirt I'm wearing, the sensation of his fingers on my stomach giving me all sorts of butterflies.
"You have no idea what you do to me when you walk around in just my football jersey, do you?" he whispers in my ear, and I can't help but shudder with a smile.
"You gave this to me."
"I had no idea just how sexy you'd look. Fucking hell." His gravelly voice vibrates against my skin as his hand wanders up, almost reaching my breasts. But before he has a chance to act on his impulses, my stomach rumbles again, the sound sending a wave of embarrassment straight through my veins.
"Oh my God. Again?" I mumble against my fingers when I throw my hands on my face, trying to hide from the fact that he must think I'm a starving monster all day long.
But Hayden's lips twitch into a smile before he brushes another kiss on my neck, his hand releasing my stomach to reach for the room service menu on the counter next to us. "When was the last time you ate?"
"Uh..." I slowly remove my hands from my face. "Last night? Except for those peanut butter cups this morning."
His laugh echoes through the room, and he shakes his head in amusement as he spins me around and tips up my chin. The way his eyes take me in makes me nervous. I must look ridiculous, tomato-red face and smeared lipstick, or whatever's left of it, painted on my tired features. And still, Hayden looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and that only makes me want to have more of him again. I'm addicted to feeling this way; desired, seen, and so beautiful...
Hayden wouldn't be Hayden if he didn't know what I want, so it only takes a second before he brushes his lips against my own, the movement so gentle and yet intense that I moan into our kiss.
"Mhm..." I wrap my hands around his neck and pull him closer, suddenly so desperate to have all of him again.
He responds at first, his large hands roaming my back and behind as he presses me closer against him. But then he suddenly pulls back, and I almost pout when he rests his forehead against my own. "I hate to say it, but...we should get some food in you," he whispers.
That he's the one to take control of this situation doesn't surprise me, and still I lean back with a smile to look at him properly, watching this handsome man in front of me rein himself in to make sure I get something to eat. "Yeah, I guess you did wear me out, huh?"
He shakes his head with a laugh as he reaches for the menu again. "You drive me insane, you know that?"
I can't help but giggle as his hand finds my own before he pulls us to the couch, his eyes trained on me when I place my legs on his lap and search through the menu. "Wait..." A thought pops into my head. "Don't you have anywhere to be today?"
The amusement in his eyes confuses me - everything about him suggests my idea is utter nonsense, though I don't know why. "You thought I'd fly you out here and then leave you alone half the day?" he asks in shock.
"I, uh..." I turn away from him with burning cheeks, but stop my movement when he captures my chin with his thumb. Curiosity dances in his irises, and I wonder, again, how and when I ended up next to this god of a man. "What do you want to do, then?"
"I don't know, Lucky." He watches how his finger brushes over my skin, the friction creating a violent storm in my chest. "Just watching you exist sounds spectacular to me."
I don't even know what to say. My jaw hits the ground from studying him in front of me, the amusement still dancing in his eyes as he taps up my chin.
"You're catching flies, Lucky." He kisses my cheek and nods to the menu in my hand, everything about him screaming confidence and self-assurance. "You'd better order. I'm starving, and I might just go for something that's not on the menu if you don't hurry..."
***
"There's no way you can eat all of that." Hayden points at the mountain of food in front of me.
"You saw me eat." I throw a chili cheese fry in my mouth. "I can eat a lot."
"I never saw you devour that much, though."
"Are you saying I'm a liar, Cash?" I laugh again while poking my fork into the Caesar salad next to the XXL portion of fries.
"I'm saying..." He suddenly sits up and leans over to me, his hand on my wrist leading the fork to his mouth, "I'm saying I don't know if you can manage those peanut butter cups I ordered if you eat all of that now." His lips wrap around the fork, shamelessly stealing my salad before he leans back with a smirk.
And even though that was extremely sexy, I laugh when I see the way his eyes glimmer with a mix of amusement and heat. "You'd better keep your promises, then," I respond and take a bite of salad myself now, the dressing dripping down my lips.
"I do, Lucky." He leans forward again, his thumb brushing beneath my bottom lip before he sucks off the dressing I just spilled. "All of them."
Knowing we won't get anything to eat if I give in to the heat between my legs, I distract myself with the food in front of me, basically shoveling it into my mouth to not focus on him too much.
My plan works, although Hayden watches me amusedly while he continues to eat his own food, and soon enough we're sitting on the balcony, hot cocoa in hand as we cuddle up on the couch outside.
"I can't believe you actually ate the entire order." Hayden chuckles as he circles his arm around my shoulders, and I snuggle up to him, watching the sun set right in front of us.
"I still got room for about ten cups, though."
"Cups?" He laughs. "Is that, like, street slang for peanut butter cups?"
"Kind of." I shoot him a smile, ignoring the tingles he sends down my spine by gliding his fingers over my back. "My dad used that word all the time."
It feels so natural to sit here with him, like this. Like we've done it all our lives, our bodies perfectly falling into place whenever we touch. I don't think I've ever felt this safe around someone, his strong arms shielding me from every bad thing that happens in my life.
"Speaking of. How was your day yesterday?" His voice is much quieter now, and I don't fail to notice the worry in his eyes when I glance up at him.
I don't know if it's the fact that we both know where we stand now, or generally the way he makes me feel, but I realize I have to open up to him. I told him I wanted honesty, communication, and equality. It's unfair to expect him to give it to me if I can't give it back. "It was good, really. It's just..." Deciding I needed to tell him about this doesn't make actually doing it any easier. "I hate seeing him in there. He doesn't belong in that hell."
"I'm so sorry you have to see him like that." He strokes my arms, his kind eyes showing so much sympathy and affection that my heart swells.
"It's not your fault. It's the injustice that makes it even harder, you know."
"I can only imagine." He regards me again, and I see something in his eyes that fills my heart with an emotion I can't afford to experience right now. But I see it in his gaze; it holds a promise that he'd do anything he can to make me happy. I don't doubt he'd find a way to make the earth's rotation reverse if that's what it took.
This feeling of being cared for, of knowing he appreciates me as much as he does, it's everything right now, and I know I'm already a goner for this man. There's no reason not to let him in, completely. "I think it's time I tell you what exactly happened to my dad."