29 | The lights go up
(It's here... the final proper chapter! Don't worry, there will be an epilogue posted very soon, because I'm sure that you'll be full of questions at the end of this one. ENJOY!!)
"And you'll be alright in here on your own?"
Matt is looking at me as he stands in the doorway of the tech box, holding my gaze. I sigh inwardly- this is Matt. He could obviously see through the layers of fake-confidence and cheerfulness and smiles that I plastered across my face, trying to seem under control. The truth is, I'm kind of low-key freaking out. I can't remember there ever having been this many controls in any of the technical rehearsals. Why are there so many controls? Not to mention all of the wires, the switches...
I slap a wide smile across my face. "I'm just dandy, Matty. You can leave now. Seriously- go and get a good seat."
"If Del is right and we won't be able to understand anything that is said, it won't matter whether we can see the stage or not," he smiles.
I smile back, because I'm supposed to. In the past fifteen minutes in which we've been together in this little room, setting up and getting me ready for my 'big debut', Matt has been trying his hardest to put me at ease and make me smile, relax. And I feel so bad that it isn't working, because he's being so sweet. Besides, isn't this all that I've been wanting for the past two years? Matt being sweet to me?
It isn't his fault that my mind is bursting with thoughts and worries and stress. It isn't his fault that I keep thinking of how the parents of the rest of the Cymbeline cast and crew are all currently finding their seats in the audience, and my father is in hospital and my mother is who-knows-where. It isn't fair. I can't control it, but it isn't fair. Life keeps reminding me of how weird and un-normal and sad I am. Even in this stupid fucking school play.
And it isn't Matt's fault that I'm worrying that I'm going to somehow mess everything up. It isn't just that I don't want to let the cast and the crew down because we've been working so long and hard- but deep down, it's almost like I'm trying to prove something to myself. It's like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can do something, I can be someone, even if my life is falling to pieces and everything is just beyond my control.
I want to prove to myself that I can be okay.
Most of all, it isn't Matt's fault that, as much as I love him to pieces, I really wish that it wasn't him standing across from me.
"Curtains-up is in a few minutes," I say, "You should really go."
"Okay..." he's twisting his hands now, looking almost shy. "Um- when the play is over, I have something I'd like to- I mean- I'd like to talk to you about something. If that's okay?"
I struggle to keep the smile on my face. "Is it quick? You could tell me now."
"No, I'd... I'd like to do it after. It's sort of big."
"Oh."
Keep smiling. I am not looking forward to the conversation that is going to have to happen with Matt when the play is finished. There are things that I'm going to have to say, and I hate to upset someone who means so much to me. But they're going to have to be clarified sooner or later, because- as much as I've been missing and pining after Matt for the past two years, I've realised recently that it wasn't him I wanted. It was the feeling of being loved, of being needed. I guess they say that you don't know what you have until you lose it. In my case, the phrasing is a little twisted, but still, in a way, valid.
I'd been craving love. And I found it. But the gloss eventually fades from even the flashiest of things, and I know I don't love Matt anymore.
"Okay. We'll talk then," I say, cheeks aching from all of the smiling I've been doing, and Matt smiles back at me. The tech room is positioned behind the auditorium, with a large window that overlooks the rows of seats, the stage directly in my field of view. The glass isn't soundproof, so we both hear it clearly when Mr Scott's microphone-magnified voice booms across the darkened hall, telling everyone that these are the final minutes before curtains up, and seats need to be found. The dark means that I can't make out the people in the audience, but there seem to be more than I ever expected.
"I should go," says Matt, at the same time as I say, "You should probably go."
We share a slightly awkward laugh, and he says, "Good luck, Dilly." Then he blows me a kiss before leaving the room. And despite the fact that I've been hurrying him to leave for the past five minutes, I almost wish he was still here. Being all alone in this room full of controls is really getting to my nerves, and I'm inwardly derailing. I hate being on my own. I'm going to make a mess of the lights, the play will be ruined, and it will all be because I can't even pull myself together.
Breathe, Lilo. You can do this. You can do this, whether or not you're alone. Just breathe.
For once, my inner voice doesn't sound like it's scorning me. Instead, it sounds soft. Comforting. I take a breath, and then another.
I sit down behind the controls, and am just trying to locate the switch I need to flick for the lighting of the first scene when the door opens and Khan is there.
Seeing him hits me like a flash of unexpected sunlight. Blinding.
And I lose all of the self-control that I just built up inside myself.
Khan is breathing heavily, as if he ran all the way here. He's dressed in a dark t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and his hair is windblown. His green eyes are bright, and he's eyeing me with the same look of trepidation that I assume is on my face.
For a few moments, it's just that; staring at eachother. Taking eachother in. I saw him last three days ago, but it feels like I'm seeing him again for the first time.
He wets his lips with his tongue, before opening his mouth. "I can go-"
"No. Stay."
"Okay." He sounds nervous. In another scenario, Khan Farid being nervous of me might even be funny. I can't take my eyes off him, even as he crosses the floor and takes the seat beside me, placing his hands down on the control panel and scanning all of the complicated equipment. It's weird, but I almost get the impression that he's trying to avoid meeting my eye.
I ask, in a voice that comes out embarrassingly broken, "What happened to your protests?"
"Protests are still happening. Town square."
"And why aren't you..."
"Later." He finally looks up at my face, meeting my eye. "I'll- Lilo, I'll tell you everything later. When the play is over. God, I'm... I'm so..."
He drops his head into his hands, remaining in that position for several moments. I still can't look away from him. I'm almost afraid to, like if I even glance away for one second he'll disappear, and it will all have been a wishful daydream.
"I can't believe you're here," I say in a whisper, and he looks up at me and gives me a small smile.
"I almost can't believe it either."
He straightens up, running his hands through his tousled hair to try and get it under control, and takes a deep breath. "Right. So. Two minutes until curtain up."
"Two minutes until curtain up."
"We're going to give our audience their money's worth."
"Khan, neither of our families are in the audience."
"Then we'll do it for us." That small smile again, just a shadow of the larger-than-life grin I've gotten so used to. Like he's still nervous of me. Like he still thinks I'm going to blow up and shout at him or something.
Like I could ever do that.
"Khan..."
"I'm sorry. I- I won't say things like that anymore, I get that you're angry and confused and you have questions, and I promise I'll answer you everything-"
I silence him by reaching out and holding his hand. His mouth freezes mid-sentence, and he blinks at me. I can almost imagine that his eyes are wet. He swallows, then gives me a tentative smile. Squeezes back.
"For us," I say, and he lifts our entangled fingers to his mouth and kisses my knuckles.
Then I laugh. Khan blinks at me in surprise, then laughs too. "What the hell is funny? What are you thinking about?"
"Oh- nothing. Just Del." I giggle, then cover my mouth, forcing myself to stop. "She said that she thought you'd come. She said that she'd already been imagining our-"
"Our what?"
But I stop myself there, because to reveal the answer would be to enter the intense blushing zone. "Nothing. She was right, is all. You're here."
"I was always going to be here, Lilo. You were never going to be by yourself."
"I knew." I say it because I sort of did. Even if I didn't. In a way.
"I was angry. I- what happened to me made me angry. I wasn't thinking. I'll tell you everything after curtain down, but I just wanted to- to make sure you know. I was holding onto hurt, is all."
"It's okay. I was being really narrow-minded. I was being selfish-"
"I was being more selfish."
"No, I was-"
"I'm pretty sure I was being selfisher than you."
"No, I was-"
And we're back to Being Us, and I find myself smiling because of it. I can't believe this. And yet I can.
On the stage, Mr Scott's loud tones are telling the audience to sit back, relax and enjoy what is going to be the most amazing night of their lives. It isn't going to be that, but whatever.
"Let's do this."
"Yeah. Let's do it."
The lights go up.
EPILOGUE OUT SOON, EVERYONE. STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WITH LILO'S FAMILY AND LIVING SITUATION, KHAN'S FAMILY, THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND SO ON. LOVE YOU ALL! <3