NOTE: Triggering self harm, abuse, anorexia, and suicide.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You don't know oh oh, you don’t know you’re beautiful oh oh, that's what makes you beautiful!"I sang.
Thousands of girls were screaming around me. I smiled and spoke into the mic, "Thank you all for coming, loves. It's means so much to us". I glanced around the stage to see the rest of my band mate’s nodding their head in agreement. They all looked so happy. Their faces shown with delight. I played along, knowing that what I was trying to feel was fake.
I couldn't hear myself think. The screaming was getting to my head. I took long breathes as Louis began to speak.
"We've all had a marvelous time tonight," Louis sang in his British accent. He glanced around the stage to the rest of us. "Thank you all for supporting us on your first tour!"
The crowd grew louder with every word. They didn't want this to end. Me? I was dying for it to be over. I once thought that if I would sing for people, that I would finally be happy. I thought that if I showed others what I had to offer, that something inside of me would change. That some spark would come and make life worthwhile. It was there in the beginning, while I was one the X Factor, but the spark has slowly died.
Now, I am tired of all of the fame. I'm tired of all of the paparazzi. Honestly, I just want to go back to the life I had; working in the bakery and living with my mom and Germa. Things will never ever be normal like they were.
I know that Louis was saying more things, but I zoned him out. My stomach began to hurt and I felt dizzy. I latched onto Zayn for support.
He looked at me with concern in his eyes, and gave me a pat on the arm. That just sent me into more pain.
I was hoping that our fans could not see that something was wrong with me on stage, because that would just send the rumors flying once more. I could see the headlines;
"Harry Styles loses a grip" or "Harry's mysterious illness". Maybe it would be caught on tape, and posted on you tube. "Harry Styles becoming sick one stage". Then for the description it would be something along the lines of this- Harry styles loses all composure on stage. Is he beginning to get sick? With what? Is there something he's not sharing? Does Harry have cancer?- the list would be endless.
Just the thought of tomorrow’s headlines caused me to fight the pain in my stomach, and the dizzy spell my head was having. No one could know what was really wrong with me. NO ONE!
I smiled just as the curtain closed. I was so relieved that it was over. Even through the cloth, I could hear fans as they screamed all across the stadium.
I sighed a sigh of relief as Louis and went up and gave me a pat on the back, “Good job Haz". I just smiled at him.
After our interrogation with our managers, pap, and other important people whose name I had no idea, we all went into the dressing room. I was so relieved that it was over. It felt like a huge weight from the pressure had been lifted off my shoulders, and I held my head high.
Just as we were entering the doors, my stomach grumbled loudly, and I looked around to make sure that no one had heard; they hadn't. Zayn was talking to Niall about the Brazilian football game that was supposed to be one at nine. He loved football, and whenever his team lost, he would be set into a bad mood for days. I prayed that for his sake, and for my sake as well that they would win. I couldn't bear to see him in a bad mood again.
He had just gotten over the last one, and that mood swing lasted for five days! It was only a stupid football game!
I walked around the dressing room to where my things were. They were just as I had left them. My jeans were perfectly folded below my hot topic black T, and my letter jacket. It had a big H on the right hand corner which stood for "Harry".
I wasn't the only one who had one of them. All my mates and I had multiple jackets of different and the same colors. I remember a few months before when management forced us all to get them. I knew that if I was not famous, and I could pick what I actually wanted, those jackets would have been bottom of my list.
One time I tried to explain this to my dresser, but she just smiled at me and said, "Harry, that jacket is part of your "style". Honestly, I don't know what my style is any more. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know who I am anymore, and that is what scares me the most. If I don't know who I am, who does?
As I grabbed the hem of my trousers, I began to look around the room. Still, even after the concert, they all seemed so happy.
Liam was singing off key some song that I didn't understand. Zayn and Niall were still happily chatting among themselves and Louis? Where was Louis?
I suddenly let out a yelp. Up from behind me, Louis came and gave me a big hug. I winced. I tried to hide the pain on my face, but Louis had already noticed it.
He looked at me with concern. "You OK?" he asked. I thought about answering him truthfully. 'No, I’m not OK. There is so much wrong with me right now. Your see Louis.....'.
My thoughts were interrupted by Louis quietly whispering my name. "Harry...." I looked up into his big blue eyes. I couldn't tell him. It would break his heart.
Quickly I nodded my head. “Yeah I'm good," I quietly whispered. He looked at me with a skeptically, but his demeanor quickly changed from the caring Louis, to the Louis I'm normally around. The Louis who can't keep his mouth shut for more than five seconds before saying something totally meaning less, but hilarious at the same time.
He is probably the only thing keeping me going right now. Just when I feel like I'm going to give up, I look at him to brighten up my day. No, no there's no way that I could tell him what's wrong with me....ever. He would be broken beyond repair.
Just as I finished putting on my jeans, Zayn perked up. "Hey mates, you all want to order something to eat?". Everyone nodded but I could just feel my face fall. "Harry," Zayn asked, “what’s wrong? You've been really distant since we go back from America few weeks ago." I just stared at him blankly. "And what happened with you during the concert. You looked like you were going to pass out?"
My mind screamed out things to answer him with. Things that I would never, ever want anyone else to know. I couldn't tell anyone anything about what was really happening. They would put me in a mental intuition.
I didn't know how to reply, so i just shook my head. 'Why was everyone acting so caring about me all of a sudden? Did they know? No, they couldn’t have found out...unless the noticed.
I quickly shook the thoughts out of my mind. My secrets were mine, and mine only, and I was the only one who knew.
Niall seemed to agree with Zayn, but I couldn't tell if he was nodding because he thought I was different than before, or if he just wanted to order pizza.
I was relieved when he spoke. “Yeah, lets gets some pizza." His eyes shone with excitement at the thought of food. I couldn't blame him. Mine would have to before...before....I changed. I could feel my eyes brimming up with tears, and my wrist began to itch.
'No! This could not be happening to me here.' My mind screamed. Then Louis began to talk, and I could feel my nerves calm.
“Order a cheese pizza, would you Zayn?" Louis stated. Niall's eyes opened and his mouth hung open.
"ONLY ONE!!!" He shouted. "I think that I myself could eat at least three!" We all chuckled at Niall's huge appetite. Only he could want so much food.
Liam, who usually doesn't voice his opinion about food piped up. "Well, I want a pepperoni, and Harry usually wants hamburger, so make it five pizza's." Then he turned to me. "You want hamburger, right?"
I closed my eyes. Honestly, I would have loved pizza, but I couldn't let my stomach control me. I just shook my head and said, "I'm not really hungry."
This time it was Liam's turn to look at me strangely. I hated it when he did this. No matter the situation, he always would find a way to turn all "daddy direction" on me.
I was glad that Louis was on the phone. I didn't want him to hear them ask me this. He's been bugging me about how distant I've become.
"I'm fine." I said again. "Really, I'm just tired."
Zayn nodded his head like he understood. "Well if u need anything, you know I'm here to talk, Hazza." Then, he and Liam walked out the door to order pizza. Niall followed them out like a lost puppy. ‘He probably just wanted to make sure Zayn ordered enough food,’ I muttered to myself.
As Niall and Zayn left to order pizza, I decided to finish changing. I slipped on my t shirt, and a hoodie that my mom had gotten me just before I left for the X factor. Thinking about her made me miss my family. I sometimes wish that I had never auditioned for the show. I was told that I had a great voice, and that I was an amazing singer. I was always told that I was a natural performer, and that performing was the job for me. I wasn’t told, though, of all of the stress and pain and hurt that came with it.
Just as I was bending down to tie my converse; I felt a hand on my bum. I felt my phone escape my pocket, and I looked up with a gasp.
Louis was standing right behind me with a sly smile on his face, and my phone in the other hand. Any other day, I could have just reached up and grabbed it, because I was much taller than he was. Today though, he had decided to stand on the chair behind me.
‘Great, just great.’ I thought to myself. Next, I extended my arm, and started to jump up and down, trying to grab my phone.
Louis began to laugh. His face was shown with a mixture of humor and amusement.
Just as he began to look like he was having the time of his life, the smirk was wiped off his face. His eyes starred right at me, almost as if they were looking through me. His face showed concern, and his lips were frowning. His brow was wrinkled; almost like he was trying to process something.
‘What’s his problem?’ I thought to myself.
Then, I noticed what his eyes were looking at. The corner of my shirt had pulled up slightly, revealing the bottom of my stomach. I quickly pulled it down, hoping he hadn’t seen anything.
I realized that he had as he began reaching for the hem of my hoodie. I quickly swatted his hand away, not looking in his eyes.
He quietly let go of my clothing and his hands flew to my face, lifting my chin and making me stare into his blue orbs.
“Let me see...” He whispered. I shook my head, and buried it in shame.
“Harry....What’s wrong? What’s on your stomach?”
I didn’t look up. I was in utter shock. I couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him what was wrong with me...I couldn’t.
Without speaking, he lifted my shirt. I didn’t resist. What was the point in fighting? He knew something was wrong, and he wouldn’t stop bugging me until I would show him.
I closed my eyes as Louie traced the red lines on my torso. The scars stuck out like crimson on a white piece of paper. I felt his hand tremble as he pulled my shirt down. His eyes filled with tears.
My eyes met his. “I’m sorry Louis...I’m so sorry...” I whispered.
Louis gripped my hand. “Those,” he said gesturing to my stomach, “Aren’t what scare me, Harry.” I looked quizzically at him as he just stood there. He looked like he was fighting for the right words to say.
Finally, He spoke up. His words cut like a knife. They pierced the air. They left my breathless. It’s funny how four little words could make my heart feel like a prisoner. My secret left his lips without hesitation.
“You’re anorexic, aren’t you?”
Funny how one little phrase could take your life away.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, my little skittles J
How was it? Good, bad, OK?
It’s my first story so, stay with me.
Comment, vote, and all of that great stuff below. If you have any ideas, fell free to share..I’m open to suggestions.
Oh, and should I do a little Larry? Comment.