Anna
If there's anything that don't quite set well with my mind is calculus. Who the hell discovered it ? Like really ! I've never used it at grocery store , supermarket , mall , restaurant , KFC , in a cab or airport or train station . I bet even my father doesn't really uses it when he prepares the finance charts. He says there are computer softwares for calculations . As an accountant , he doesn't even has to do sums or maths.
I scratch my head as my final answer and the answer on the book are like two non identical twins. I put down my pen in frustration .
My phone buzzes and buzzes. I lean over the edge of my bed to grab my still buzzing and vibrating phone , which is laying beside the keyboard of my desktop on top of the wooden table.
There are three texts from an unknown number.
1. Hey! You busy ?
2. Stupid question ! You must be easy. It's calc tomorrow. ☹️
3. Just wanted to say thank you :)
One eyebrow of mine rises automatically . Thank you ? Who will text me thank you like this ? I shift on my bed to sit more comfortably. Hunching over my Samsung Galaxy which is a hand me down from my father when he bought his new iPhone two years ago , I type : who is this ?
The reply came almost immediately. It's Ian . Ian McPherson ? Does that name ring a bell ?
I roll my eyes and then instantly sit up straight. How on Earth did he get my number ? I never gave him my number. I huff and type furiously back . How did you get my number ? And how is your nose ?
I watch as the dots come and go , come and go and chew on the inside of my lower lip .
I had your number since I started dating Cath. I stole your number from her phone and saved it as gf's annoying friend. Oh btw, your love of the life did give my nose a hairline crack .
I stare at the screen dumbfounded. I don't know which part of his text makes me feel so hopelessly stupid. Is it that he had my number all these years and I didn't even have an idea. Or that he just called Sebastian the love of my life.
I groan. Why does Ian had to write that. Now , it'll swim around in my head for the rest of the night and I've to prepare for my exam ! The love of my life ?
I shake my head in an attempt to clear all these words . My phone buzzes and it's Ian again .
Ian: just in case you're wondering , I never texted or called you despite having your number because I never had anything to say to you . xxI:)
Me: then why text me today ?
Ian: In case you haven't noticed , I said thank you . )
I scroll above to see the first three texts he sent me. I read the last one , just wanted to say thank you. Right ! I type back again .
Me: for what ?
I can hear footsteps climbing the stairs. Since it's only me and mom in the house now , it has to be mom . I contemplate to put down my phone and pretend I was studying. But I was studying before my sum messed me up and Ian distracted me.
Those words . The love of your life . Shit ! I have to forget them . No I have to delete them from my memory. The door opens at the same time as my phone buzzes and my screen lit up in my hand.
My mother pokes her head in through the door and peeps at my hand then back at me. " There's a boy named Sebastian waiting for you downstairs." My lips parted as my jaw slackens. Sebastian here ?
" I told him to come up , but he said it's better if he waits for you outside in the front lawn ." My mother says with a confused frown , as if she can't find a possible explanation or reason for Sebastian's weird behaviour.
I jump out of my bed and smoothen my top . Then realise , I need to change. I can't go in front of Sebastian in this rotten , fading top and this pink Minny mouse pajamas with a dozen small holes.
I sprint toward my closet and take out a pair of black track pants. I look at my over my shoulder . She's rolling her eyes at me ." How many times I've told you to discard those old pajamas. "
I gestured for her to leave . " Tell him to wait for two minutes. I'm coming down . And please don't utter anything about me changing or about my pajamas. " There's no telling with my mother. She can say and do anything.
She leaves the door ajar as I hear her descending down the stairs. I quickly change into track pants and pulls out my hugs four size big baggy coat and wraps it around me.
I check my hair in the mirror . It's fine. My face red and still looks surprised. I blink at myself in the mirror . My eyes appearing too wide and big. There's no time to fix my face now. I take my phone and run down the stairs.
I meet my mother at the bottom of the stairs. " Slow down Anna. I don't need you to break your legs and hip during exams. " She scolds . I hope Sebastian can't hear her .
" Yeah !" I exhale and run for the door. Sebastian has definitely not heard my mother's scholding teacher voice. Otherwise he would have ran for his life by now. I close the door gently after me , but not too gently to be soundless.
He turns to face me . He's wearing casual black jeans and white t-shirt under the same baseball jacket he wore at school . His hands in the pockets of his jacket .
I wrap my coat tighter around me and stare at Sebastian. He stares back at me . I don't know what he can see in my eyes. But I can see a melancholy in his pale blue almost a fading shade of grey eyes . Like something in him is breaking or has already broken .
My phone rings and I jump as it startled me. Sebastian blinks like he just woke up from a hypnotic sleep. I look down at my phone. Ian . I cut his call and put my phone in my pocket.
" That's okay. You can talk . I'll wait. " Sebastian says too softly , too quietly for any human ear. " It's wasn't important. " I shrug . That's true. Sebastian blinks again. He takes a deep , long breath in , as if preparing himself for something inevitable . " How's your preparation for tomorrow's exam going on ?" He says somewhat nervous.
Before I can respond , the front door opens suddenly . I look over my shoulder as my mother's figure appear through the gap between the door and the frame. " Why haven't you called him inside yet ?" She asks me in an accusing tone .
" Mom please. " It's more like a cue to leave than pleading . But my mother is my mother. She purses her lips at me looking offended . But when she turns at Sebastian , her lips curves up in a dazzling bright smile. " Don't mind her son . She's a little too introvert. Please come in ." Here she comes with her my - daughter -is -an speech .
Sebastian looks like a melted poodle of emotions. " Thank you Mrs Delaney. But it's fine. It'll just take two minutes . " He says politely . But something is wrong. Before my mommy dearest can open her mouth again , I start to shove her inside . " He said it's fine. It's fine mom ." She glares at me , this is going to land me in trouble later. I shut the door practically on her face.
I blow out a lungful of air and return my gaze on Sebastian. His eyes are fixed on the door like it holds all the solutions to his life's tragic problems. " Sebastian ?" I call.
" No one has ever called me son ." He says feverishly staring at the door. If the look on his face doesn't break your heart then the pain and loss definitely will . I feel like the worst person on Earth for calling him selfish. He's just a seventeen years old boy who has no mother. A lump forms in my throat. " What happened to your mom ?" I squeeze the words out through the burning lump .
His feverish pale eyes returns to me. I feel myself losing in the intensity of his gaze. " I happened to her Anna ." He says in a bittersweet tone. His bluish eyeballs blurs from the gathering tears . His words reminds me how much I've hurt him today .
You happened to me Sebastian Dane !
"I killed her. On the hospital bed . Right after she gave birth to me ." Each sentence hits my soul like a small , sharp bullet . I want to look away from him . The pain in his eyes , the grimace on his face is too much to witness. But I couldn't do that. If the look on his face is this painful for me , then how much pain is he into ? The answer is unfathomable .
" You haven't seen your mom ever ?" The words slip out of my tongue before I can stop . He just looks down on the deep green grasses of our front lawn while shaking his head. But then I notice the two small almost negligible drops of tear falling down . I close my eyes to absorb the pain , but it's too dense to be absorbed. Sebastian was wrong. Two minutes is not enough. Neither is two hours or two days or two years. Right now even forever feels too small .
I open my eyes and I wish I hadn't . Sebastian is looking like I'm the only the Ray of happiness in his dull , miserable life. It's making me fall for him harder and deeper. " Why are you really here Sebastian ?" Behind him , I can see the last remnants of the sunlight draining away and giving way to the night sky as stars come out of their hiding and cast a dark hue upon us.
He runs his teeth over his bottom lip. I follow the movement with my eyes. The love of my life . My mind is wandering again . I try to focus on him . " I came here to tell you that I ...I and Catherine are taking a break . From this whole relationship thing ."
Did he just say that ? Here goes all my hope for tomorrow's exam. " Why ?" I haven't heard anyone dragging one small simple word like why this long .
" I've never been misunderstood before. I never thought it can be even painful . But today , when you say those things ---- it's the next most painful thing I've faced after my mother's death ." I need him to stop . Because I also never thought even breathing can be this painful. Why it hurts so much ? Everything ! Everything inside me hurts . I want to scream from pain but no one will even see a single scratch or bruise on my body.
" I need you to know that I never even thought about using you to get close to Cath. I don't know who planted this idea in your brain , but it's not true Anna. I genuinely think of you as my friend. And in case you've not noticed ---- I'm not really the most popular guy who's swimming in friends. You are my only friend ."
I don't know why , but it appears to me that Sebastian is being nothing but selfish again . He's taking a break from the relationship because he's in pain . He wants to show me how wrong I am .
" And what about the pain you are going to cause Cath in this process ?"
" She'll understand. "
" Does she even know about this ?"
He remains silent. She doesn't know about this.
" Sebastian " I level my voice , trying to keep the tremble away from my voice " If this is your route to make everything right for you , then listen to me ---- you're only going to make everything worse. "
" It's not just about me Anna. "
" It isn't ? Why do I find it so hard to believe ? If I would not have told you those things today , you would have never taken this step . You're going to hurt Catherine. You're already hurting me. Ian is so messed up . And you are doing all this so that you can convince yourself and the rest of us that you are the good guy here. "
I have never been so outspoken before in my life. Infact I'm one of those people who fails to harbor there emotions actively . I never yell or scream or shout . I just leave and close myself in my room when I'm angry or upset , which is a very rare occurrence .
I'm not even yelling or shouting now. My mother will hardly hear my voice , given that she's not pressing her ears to the door.
" Do you know that you care about McPherson more than me ?" Sebastian says and then quickly continues " But that's fine. I can't expect to be the most important person in your life. I am not the least bit important in anybody's life. I get it Anna. "
" You're wrong ." If only I could make him realise his importance in my life. Perhaps , he could answer all my questions. Why do I have to like him only ? There are so many guys in cantonville , in our school . How can I stop this stupid feelings ? There has to be a way. There's always a way .
" I'm the one who's always wrong. I get that too . No matter whatever I do , it's always wrong. " He's not looking at me anymore. I wonder are these words even for me ? Or is he speaking to himself ? He keeps throwing his hands frantically out as he spats every word . " My entire birth is wrong. I know that. "
Sebastian appears at the verge of a complete breakdown. His cheeks are soaked in his own tears . I have never seen a guy crying before in real life. And the very little I know about guys crying in tv series and films don't even come close to the overwhelming pain displayed on his face.
I step closer to Sebastian . He snuffs and rubs both of his hands over his face in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the tears.
" I'm sorry. I'm sorry .I didn't mean for all of this to happen. " He says feverishly . " I just wanted to right everything. Cath once told me how you took her side when Suzanne Haynes bullied her. That ruined your friendship with Suzanne but stick to her side. "
I place my hand over his shoulder. He removes my hand from there and takes it in his comparatively larger ones , gripping them tightly . I stare at our hands. A wistful smile spreads on my lips. " Cath told you that ?"
He nods " Yes. She told me. " He keeps nodding his head. " A massive guilt haunts me Everytime. I don't want to jeopardize your friendship with her. I don't want to hurt anybody. "
He presses his forehead against our joined hands. " Tell me what should I do to make everything right. "
His fragile and broken appearance got me . All my rage and disgust slowly fades and melts. I find myself hugging Sebastian. But it's his tight returning embrace that astonished me.
" It's not you Sebastian. It's me. I have to be the one to make everything right. And I will. I promise. " The look skywards , the stars twinkle blissfully at us. Bliss . That words feels like a fantasy now.
I release Sebastian. " Don't do anything stupid. Don't hurt anyone anymore please. "
He opens his mouth to speak but then nods. " You don't want me to break up with Cath. I understand. I can never hurt her Anna. I'm the last person. " Catherine Hawk is a damn lucky girl . I'm so jealous of you Cath. You don't understand calc. You always failed in physics. You barely passed in bio and always messed up chemistry .
Even now you are an average in history and below average in geography. There's nothing that you can do, except reading English literature . And yet this boy loves you so much. If this is not luck then I don't know what is. Because I have examined my eyes . They are way more expressive and pretty than her hooded blue ones . My voice is sweeter and my hair thicker and more glorious than her blonde locks that looks starved and dead and dry.
" I don't know when and how I start to care for her this much." He whispers . I want to tell Sebastian that I understand too . Neither do I know when and how I started to care for him . " You care for her so much. Then why are you punishing her because of me ?"
" I need you to go now Sebastian. I have to study. And so do you. I'll talk with Cath after the exams are over. " Sebastian's face lights up like a full moon , brighter than any star . " I don't want to distract myself or Cath during the exams. " .
" You will !" Sebastian beams at me . He gives me quick hug before releasing a long audible breath from his mouth. He looks lighter and brighter. Like a heavy mountain has been lifted over from his soul and he can breath again.
Sebastian left happily. But he left me wondering did he come here for Cath ? So that he can resolve everything between us and Cath will stop feeling low and sad.
As I climb the stairs to my room , my mind keeps skipping from one thing to another. The invisible weights over my shoulders feels terribly heavy. So heavy that they are slowly dragging underground .
How do you resolve everything with your friend who makes you feel unbearably jealous ? How do you still remain just a friend to the boy you want want to be anything but friend ? How you let go and hold back simultaneously ?
But if there's one thing I know , then that is I've to let my heart go . And hold back onto my feelings.
I open Ian's text from earlier .
Ian: you are stronger and wiser than you seem . Thank you for stopping me from doing something terrible today . I wish I could be as selfless and compassionate as you are.