Anna
" You sure you don't want to go to the nurse. You don't look fine to me Anna. " Alec asks for the third time. I told him I am feeling a mild stomach ache . Nothing to worry about , as it often happens in empty stomach.
With every lie to Alec, my chest tightens. A heaviness sets on my soul . I hate to lie . Especially to someone who's been nothing but good to me. Alec genuinely cares. He's concerned and that warms my heart. That also makes lying to him punishable .
I really want to tell him that I needed to cry after my conversation with Cath. And so I have. In the solitary of the girl's washroom . But I am too embarrassed to confess it .
Alec sighs , genuinely worried for me " you are so stubborn ! Everyone can see you are suffering , but you ? Won't accept that at all. "
Stubborn . Does he mean that in a good way or a bad way ? Because I don't see stubbornness as a weakness or a character flaw.
I take a seat beside Alec in the cafeteria . I have now grown familiar with his group of friends. There are four of them , excluding Alec .They are not the ideal group to hang around from academic reference. But they are more than ideal to serve as a distraction. That's what I need now. Distraction . Until I learn myself how to that on my own .It will take a lot of mind training . But as Alec said. I am stubborn . So I'll learn .
Today I expected another debate on marvel vs DC : which is better. Or a discussion on the possibility of iron man's reappearance. But unfortunately for me , today's topic is Sebastian and Catherine.
" You tell me ! " a girl named Leah , sitting across Alec , slapped her hand on the table and leans forward. " if nothing is going on between them , then why don't they have lunch with everybody else here ?"
I wince. Her words are ruining my distraction. That's not good . I've just returned from the washroom emptying all my pent up tears . I don't want to end up on the bathroom floor anytime soon .
" When did I say there's nothing going on between them ? " The boy sitting beside Leah , whose name I've not yet grasped , speaks up. " Infact I say they are already secretly dating . I would not be shock if it turns out Sebastian has already proposed. He's so smitten by her. " He smirks. My stomach flips.
I want to scream at them and shut them up . But we all know , that's never going to happen. So I silently think for a new topic for discussion .
Between thinking it and actually speaking it out loud , Jeffrey says " But if Sebastian has really proposed Catherine , Anna must know that . " He leans forward and looks past Alec so that his eyes can meet mine. " Are they already dating ?" He asks me inquisitively . His eyes are narrowed to a squint.
I look away from him and wet my lips. They feel unusually dry. Like my soul is feeling right now. Dry and dead . Like a desert.
" How am I suppose to know that . " I tell them . The sandwiches in my lunchbox begs for my attention. My mother has done a terrific job with them . They actually look appetizing , a far cry from her morning half burnt bread toast.
Jeffrey clicks his tongue . " If anyone is supposed to know , then it's you. " My appetite slowly vanishes. The sandwiches remain untouched. Mom is do going to be angry.
Alec tries to change the subject . But his dismisses him . I silently thank him with my eyes. His returning smile says he's sorry . But for what ? I try to smile in a way that tells he has nothing to be sorry for. But i won't be surprised if it turns out the other. Because let's face it , my smile is not even half as expressive as Alec's .
But I wish it was. At least then the people around me would know that it's not real . Or maybe my smile could say Sebastian the words I couldn't say and would never be able to tell him .
I wrap up my lunch box quickly. My plan for distraction is not quite with me in this game. It's biting me back. Lately , nothing in my life has worked out. So I can't really blame it .
Alec looks oddly at me ." Where are you going ?" I didn't know where I was going until I see the blue black file in my back. I put my lunch box in my bag and zip it up . " As you mentioned Sebastian , it reminds me I have to hand him the file of the project that we are not going together anymore. "
" Can't you give it to him after lunch ?" Alec asks me . I can . I can even skip the whole returning the file you him part. But I need to see what he's doing with Cath now.
" If I return it now , they can go through it next period and can carry on with their project from today. " I don't wait for any more questions. I force a conclusive smile on my life , as if it settles everything for me and waves at them .
I cover the distance from cafeteria to playground in quick , long strides and find Sebastian and Cath sitting on the top stair of the gallery with their back towards the playground.
Sebastian opens his mouth big and Cath feeds him her pasta with a fork . How cute ! I inhale deeply and continue to walk to them. But my pace has faltered . My entire begs me to turn around and run . But I am stubborn . I didn't listen to my body and shout out loud enough for the two love birds to hear me. " Sebastian !" They both look at me over their shoulders.
Sebastian leaps from his seat and stands up in record time. He perks up as he sees me " Anna !" His lips curl up . My eyes travel to Cath . Her face is unreadable. She's squinting at me hard , probably trying to find out what I want now . Only if I could tell her , I am not here to take anything . I am here to give.
Sebastian jumps from the last stair that has to be taller than a foot and jogs up to me. " Anna !" He breaths. My arms twitches to hug him. But I resist. I am not giving in to this all consuming desire. I am not !
I hold up the file to Sebastian. He regards the file with a tilt of his head. " You might need this. It contains my records of the experiments. " I say as calmly as possible.
Sebastian smiles up at me. He smiles so hard that I fear it may split his face in two. " Thanks Anna. You have no idea how much this is going to help us. " He takes the file from my hand and stuns me with an unexpected hug.
Against my better judgement , I hug him back . Placing my hands on his broad back and breathing in the head and masculine fragrance of his cologne . I want to hug him tightly , wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my head in his neck. But Sebastian's hug doesn't permit that. It's a friendly hug. Casual and short lived.
He releases me too soon . It makes me angry. He just cannot come and hug me out of the blue and leave me wanting for more. This is unfair !
And now he's smiling at me like everything is just great. Maybe it is great for him. But not for me.
" I am so happy today Anna. Today is a great day. " He exclaims in joy and shares a glance with Cath. She blushes and looks down at her feet or at the ground. I can't tell .
I have no idea when she came down from the gallery , but she's standing a step behind Sebastian now , her half finished lunchbox in her hand.
" Let's have lunch together. " Sebastian suggests . Cath looks up from her feet. Her blue eyes shining with a hopefulness.
She seems hopeful to have lunch with me. That's something I didn't expect. Her hopefulness is not fake. It's very genuine. I wonder why does she even want me around her or Sebastian ?
" I don't want to disturb you two. " I say , glancing between Sebastian and Cath. Cath takes a step forward towards me and stands beside Sebastian. " You know your presence can never disturb us . "
I blink . It's hard to believe my own ears . " You want to have lunch with me ?" I ask dumbly .
She nods her head. " I want us to go back like we were. Friends. Classmates. I want both you and Sebastian . " I steal a glance at Sebastian's face . Has Cath told him about my feelings ? I have no idea . But I am going to find out .
" Can I talk to you for two minutes in private ?" I ask Cath. She locks her eyes with Sebastian. It seems like they are silently conversing with their eyes.
Catherine : I am going to talk to her.
Sebastian : I'll wait patiently here.
I have seen my parents doing the same with each other in awkward family gatherings or odd public situations , and I've always tried to guess what words they would use if they were to express it in words.
Seeing Cath and Sebastian looking at each other like that clears one thing to me. They are closer than I expected. I don't expect them to be madly and unconditionally in love with eachother yet.
But then again , I didn't expect them to reach a stage of trust and understanding that my parents have reached after four years of dating and twenty years of marriage.
Cath nods at me with a small smile. I grab her by the wrist and walk a few feet away from Sebastian from where he won't hear us. " Have you told him anything about what I ....I feel for him ?" My voice is skeptical.
" Relax Anna. I haven't said anything to him. " She places a calming hand over my hand that's holding her wrist.
" And neither will I say him anything ." My lips tighten. Of course you won't Cath . After all , you want him all to yourself.
But that makes me ask her . " Why do you want me around him ? If I have lunch with you two , then I'll be not only be around you but also him ."
She releases a rush of air through her nose . " I don't feel threatened by you Anna. Don't get me wrong ! But Sebastian ... How should I put this ? "
" Tell what you have in mind. No need to sugarcoat it for me. " I say pointedly. She studies my face for a second and then says . " You are not Sebastian's type. I haven't seen any guy taking interest in you . And Sebastian is the last guy ! "
I try to convince myself that it's what I asked for. I told her to give me the truth. Not the sugar coated version of it. She just did what I asked her to do .
But , let's face it , ugly naked truth hurts. What people thinks of you , often hurts . Their opinion , no matter how much wrong that is , no matter how irrelevant that is , it still bothers and affects you.
" Whatever it is you have for Sebastian will be over one day. And that day you'll regret ruining our friendship for some silly infatuation ." I jerk my hand free from her and let her wrist go . My hands clench at my sides . The way she speaks with pure conviction , that this is something which is bound to happen makes me regret talking to her. Irritation and disgust are not even strong enough words to describe the way her words make me feel .
" So you want me to reconcile with you so that I won't regret the decision of ruining our friendship in future ? That's it ? There's no other reason , right ?"
She places a hand over my shoulder . Such a friendly gesture. She smiles serenely at me. Her face glowing like an angel in the sunlight.
Angel my foot !
I swear I if she doesn't shut up , it's very well likely for her to end up with a broken nose and me with sore knuckles .
" I know you are feeling hurt right now. But this will pass one day. I hope we can be friends again . This thing with you , it makes me feel guilty. I didn't ask Sebastian to like me or fall in love with me. He wants me. That's not my fault Anna. "
" Catherine , shut up !" I may or may not have shouted at her . It's really difficult to hear anything other than the rapid thrashing of my heart against my chest.
" You are ... " I am at a lack of words . She has rendered me speechless. Something that has never happened before. I let out an exasperated laugh. " God ! You are so full of yourself ! You want me to treat like nothing is wrong. Behave like we are the best of friends. Why ? So that you don't feel guilty . Do you even hear yourself Catherine ? "
" What's going on here ?" I can hear Sebastian approaching us. I don't bother to look up at him . Even without looking , I can imagine the confused frown on his face. But honestly , I don't care.
" When you open your mouth , it's like poison . God knows how even boys tolerate you . I pity Ian . Actually , he pities himself too. The entire school pities him and that's his fault. He deserves that. "
Her blue eyeballs fades behind gathering tears . She bites her quivering bottom lip.
" Anna , what the hell are you saying ?" Sebastian roars . I inhale sharply. This very well can be a trap to make me look evil in Sebastian's eyes . But as I said , I don't care.
" You can't get everything Catherine Hawk ! If you think you can get away with everything you have done with me , with Ian ? Then you are terribly wrong . It's sad that after all this the only thing you feel is guilt . "
The last thing my eyes notice ---- or I fail to cover my eyes from noticing --- is Sebastian pulling Cath in his chest. She buries her face in his chest.
An exceptional satisfaction washes over me seeing her crying. And an exceptional dejection quickly creeps in my heart and turns into depression as I try to ignore Sebastian's glare as I storm into the school building.
" Anna ." Sebastian yells. I quicken my space.
" Anna !" He jogs around me and blocks my way . His hands grip my shoulder and give it a bitter shake . " What the hell was that ?" He glowers at me.
I try to remove his hand that's painfully digging into my flesh. " You are hurting me Sebastian !"
He releases me abruptly . I stumble back . " And you are hurting that girl who just wants to get her friend back . " He exhales furiously .
" What has she even done to you to deserve this kind of treatment Anna ? You are punishing her for no reason . " I stare at Sebastian unblinkingly. His face red from anger and his pale blue are not as appealing as it used to be. He looks ugly , harmful . Dangerous.
" May I know what she has done to deserve to feel guilty ?" He places his hands on his hip.
" No. " I mutter.
" What ?"
" Let me go Sebastian. " I grit my teeth .
" Not until you tell me what's bothering you ." His voice is calmer than before.
But what should I tell him ? No guys ever take interest in me. That I am not his type . And he is the last guy yo fall for me.
When I don't answer Sebastian sighs. " I thought today is the day when everything is going to be back on line. First Catherine accepts me and then you came to us. I genuinely expected that you two will resolve whatever misunderstandings you have. "
" Catherine accepts you means ?" I search his face for answers. He blinks. " I guess I should tell you now. "
" Tell me what ?"
" I asked Catherine to be my girlfriend last night on what's app. She says yes this morning. " My heart literally stops . That's not what I'm afraid though. It starts to beat again. I'm afraid of that.
" we don't have any misunderstandings . " Amidst all the limitless pain , at least the evenness in my voice stands out. A distinct contrast to the fuzzy , vague pain I am feeling all over.
She doesn't feel threatened by me . Because she has already made him hers. Now she has nothing to worry. That's why she waited until now to make amendments with me.
" Then what's the problem ?" Sebastian enquires impatiently . I meet his eyes.
" Can I ask you something ? Considering that you are throwing one after other questions at me. I can. Why are you here Sebastian ?" I ask as calmly as possible.
He lifts his chin a little. " I don't want you to hurt Catherine. She's your friend Anna. And you're our friend ."
By now , I am almost sure Sebastian is fine with Catherine hurting me. But anyway let's get to the point .
" She's my friend. Cool . I am your friend and you are my friend too . Two of my friends are dating. They already proposed and accepted . And neither of my friends even cared enough to tell me that . That's some kind of friendship ."
Sebastian opens his mouth , but no words come out. He closes it again. I have rendered him speechless. Good . Why should only I feel that way ?
" I don't need friends like you. And trust me , you won't want friends like me either. " I push past him and hear him calling my name. I run as fast as I can . And make my way straight to the terrace , taking the stairs two at a time.
Three boys looks at me baffled. I catch Ian's eyes. " Can we talk for a minute ?" I try to level my voice. But my panting doesn't help much.
" Okay. " He says in self - doubt.
I eye the other two boys . " Alone. "
Ian contemplates something for half a minute , then slowly nods his head and gestures the boys to leave.
They huffs and walks towards the rickety stairs . I wait until I hear them running down the stairs .
" I have decided. I'll help you. "