Frank reckoned that his life was beyond fucking screwed right now, and no matter what nonsense Mikey Way tried to comfort him with, the feeling of despair and 'oh god, I'm absolutely fucked' just would not go away, or maybe it was just the unforgettable reminder of the fact that Frank had been fucked, but in a far more literal way entirely.
And to put it incredibly ironically, a reminder like that was an absolute pain in the ass.
And really, discomfort sitting down was really not something the sixteen year old had bargained for when he called up some random asshole off Craigslist and hoped for the best, simply in the hopes of having hated it and having some form of reassurance that he wasn't a massive flaming homosexual.
But despite the dodgy guy and the ass pain, it was still the best fuck that Frank Iero had ever had, and really, Frank has a damn lot of fucks, and all of them casual, and none of them like that one. And he just couldn't help but think about how much better it would be with some cute - someone that he cared about and somehow that cared about him, and maybe even someone that would be just a little more gentle than the other guy had been.
Frank just wanted to be told that he was loved while his ass was fucked, and he wanted to be cuddled after, and he wanted to be reassured that he was okay like this, and that it was okay to be the fucking faggot that he really was, and Frank wanted someone to kiss like nothing else mattered, and then suddenly everything made far too much sense and not at all in the way that Frank had wanted it to.
Really, this was nothing more than what was supposed to be the sixteen year old's worst nightmare, but in reality, it was nothing like that at all. This felt like acceptance, and really, it kind of felt okay, and maybe it was just the fact that Frank had managed to make sense of his own head for once.
He just didn't want a girlfriend and he could never have a girlfriend, yet he drowns himself in casual fucks, because he didn't like girls like that, and he never would, and really, it was just a way to get off, a way to pass the time, and a way to make himself look 'cooler', and it had worked, at least until now, when he finally managed to figured things out.
At least until Gerard Way turned up, at least until he made Mikey's brother burn the poptarts and caused Alicia and Lindsey to laugh at him, and really, Frank wanted it all to go back to when he didn't even know who Gerard fucking Way was.
He wanted to go back to Bert and the skate park and he wanted to make things up with that once best friend of his, and maybe he'd talk Gee into getting into bed with him, and then everything would be okay, because he could just lie to himself for a little longer, and Gee was kind of cute, he guessed, but, but now the thought had come to him, it just refused to leave.
Frank didn't want a girlfriend, and yet he wanted someone to kiss, cuddle, fuck, and care about, and some to care about him too. He wanted all of that, and he wanted so much more - he wanted kisses in the dark and sneaking out to smoke in stupid places that they'd get lost in, and he wanted to fuck like last night, and he wanted to come like he did last night.
And for the first time, he'd finally made sense of it, because Frank Iero wanted a boyfriend.
And, still, it wasn't just as 'simple' as that, because he didn't just want a boyfriend, he wanted Gerard Way.
And right now, kind of to punch himself in the face as well.
"Frank, are you even listening to me at all?" Mikey's voice seemed to almost fade back into reality as the sixteen year old felt himself pulled away from his thoughts, bearing what he could only call a mortified expression. "You're not - are you? What are you thinking about? Come on, talk to me."
"I'm gay." The words fell from his lips unintentionally and as a result, Frank threw his hand over his lips, almost jumping at what he never meant to confess. "Fuck..." He exhaled in response, pulling his gaze away from Mikey's and trying not to think about how his older brother had been sat just there, just the other day, and how things had just fucked themselves over from then on.
Because what Gerard had said had fucking fucked him over, and maybe he wanted just to admit how he felt and be a fucking faggot with Gerard Way, but he didn't quite have the guts to do it, and maybe he was quite happy to just postpone it a little longer.
"It feels so weird to say it aloud, and I didn't- I didn't mean to, and I didn't mean to be like this, and I- I just am... and everything makes so much fucking sense now, but just not in the way that I want it to be, because I don't want to be some fucking faggot, and I-.... but, I'm so fucking gay, Mikey. It's so fucking obvious now."
"Well, with what you said to me previously, I'd already gathered that." Mikey exhaled with a small, but somehow reassuring smile. "And Frank, you're not just a 'faggot', okay? You're my friend, and it doesn't matter who you're attracted to at all." But Frank couldn't help but reckon that 'even my brother' wasn't quite part of that.
"Yesterday was just me freaking out because I had some stupid crush and now this is me getting assfucked and loving it, and then me freaking out until I've cleared out everything that's stopped me admitting the truth and now it's just a matter of joining the dots, because I want a relationship and I want to be loved and shit, but just not by a girl, and I've never felt that way about girls, so it was just fucking, and I thought that was okay, and I thought that I was just an asshole. But now, this is me admitting everything, and this is me making sense of it all, and I kind of want to accept this, and I want to let this be who I am, but who I am is just who I can't be."
"Frank, what on earth's stopping you being you?" Mikey sighed out, getting up and checking the time. "I've got to go - will you be alright?"
"Nothing's stopping me but myself, but I'm doing so for a far too good reason- look, just leave it... I didn't mean to 'come out' like this, I need fuck another girl, and I need to fuck one I care about because maybe I'm just confused and maybe that's all this is-"
"Frank..." Mikey sighed out, shaking his head. "That is most certainly not going to work, Gerard-"
"I don't fucking care about what Gerard did and didn't do. I need to talk to someone, anyway, I'm going out too."
"What you mean by that is that you need to fuck some random girl, huh?" And Mikey knew that he wasn't fucking wrong here.
"No, Gee, is my friend - I trust her, she gets me. She's not just some random girl, okay?"
And with Mikey thrown back into a sickening silence, Frank made his way down to the skate park, on a beeline to ruin his life, basically.
-
"Lindsey, you know what? You were absolutely right - Frank Iero is the worse fucking idea I've ever had." Of course, Gerard only seemed to understand her point when it was far too late and he was sat on Lindsey's kitchen floor, wide eyed and with an empty beer can balanced dangerously on his head.
"Finally, you fucking get it." She sighed out, shaking her head at her tipsy mess of a best friend, who really did appear to be having some kind of mental breakdown right now. "Gerard, come on-" She took the beer can from where it was balanced on his head and threw it in the trash, only for the seventeen year to cut him off.
"When's Alicia coming over? I need to talk to someone who isn't being a bitch about this." Of course, tipsy Gerard didn't quite understand what kind of effect his words would have; fortunately, Lindsey was well accustomed to this, and only laughed it off, rolling her eyes and sitting down beside him.
"She's coming over any minute now." She reminded him, checking her phone for any messages from Alicia, and ending up checking Gerard's too as he'd left it on the kitchen counter when he'd arrived. "You've got a message from Mikey."
"I don't fucking care - I don't fucking care about Mikey. He's an asshole: Alicia gets that." Lindsey scoffed, muttering something under her breath about how clear he'd made it to see who his favourite was.
Lindsey read Mikey's message to Gerard for him then, her eyes widening at the content, and deciding, against Gerard's wishes, to read it aloud. "Mikey says that he was over at Frank's just five minutes ago and that you really should call him because there's something that Frank told him that you might really want to know."
Gerard shook his head, laughing it off. "Fuck Frank Iero."
"And now you've got a text from Frank himself.... addressed to 'Gee' - fucking hell, Gerard, what are you going to do when he asks you for your number, huh?" Lindsey sighed out, not even wanting to experience whatever bullshit explanation Gerard could string together in response to that. "He says that he wants to meet you at the skate park, and he has a request for the black leather miniskirt... and he says that he wants to maybe go back to his." Lindsey paused for a moment as she took this all in. "Gerard, you're fucking fucked."
"Oh, I know." He sighed out, falling back so that he was lying down on the kitchen.
"What the fuck?" Alicia exclaimed as she made her way into the kitchen, eyes wide. "Lindsey, you left the door unlocked, you know." She paused to roll her eyes and Lindsey muttered something under her breath. "I locked it again, though."
"Hello, Alicia." Gerard's face broke out into an almost intimidatingly large grin. "I think my life's probably just about ruined right now, or at least that's what Lindsey says- I mean, Lindsey's clever, she's usually right, so she's probably right, so-"
"One fucking can of beer." Lindsey shook her head, words directed at Alicia, who couldn't help but laugh in response. "Never again. Fucking never again. I'd rather take him to a gaybar like this. Seriously, Gerard - just go get yourself a boyfriend or something."
"Why's he ruined his life?" Alicia's words were directed at Lindsey; like the slightly drunk seventeen year old laid out on the kitchen floor like a starfish wasn't at all capable of speaking for himself.
"Frank Iero. Mikey's texted him about something important and he refuses to acknowledge his brother's existence and then Frank wants to meet 'Gee' - his crossdressing alter ego, and the other day, as Gerard, he kind of admitted to Frank how he felt about him."
"Why don't you see what Mikey has to say at the very least? Look he's a prick, but you don't actually have to do what he tells you to do - you can just consider the option, can't you?" And really, Gerard seemed personally offended that Alicia had even suggested such a logical conclusion.
"No, I might go and meet Frank, though. I mean, I hate Mikey, regardless of who I am, but I've only fucked up things with Frank as Gerard, so that means Gee's totally fine with him-"
"He basically said that he wants to fuck you though - and then he's really going to figure out that you don't have a cunt, you just are a cunt." Lindsey sent Alicia a look that roughly translated as 'if you at all encourage him, I will not hesitate to slap you'.
"Look, I’ll just say no - he was fine about it last time. I just need to see him." Gerard stressed, finally getting up from the floor and grabbing his phone back from Lindsey, and texting Frank back with a 'yeah sure' and far too many kisses.
"I don't even want to be a part of this-" Lindsey got up; grabbing a beer from the side, reckoning that she would really need it.
"Lindsey, could I maybe borrow some of your clothes?"
And if the two hadn't been best friends for years, she really would have killed Gerard Way right then and right fucking there.
-
Lindsey's clothes didn't quite fit him, but really, Gerard, or Gee, had now had two more cans of beer and was drunk to ensure that it didn't even matter to him, or well, that nothing mattered to him at all, well not really.
Except Frank: Frank mattered, even despite the fact that he really shouldn't.
But Gerard had already just about accepted the fact that he was a fucking stupid motherfucker, who just happened to look far too pretty and made a really convincing girl in a miniskirt and a full face of make up. What? Everyone has their talents, and it just happened to be that Gerard's were crossdressing and ruining his life in general.
Lindsey had even really tried to stop him this time; she'd just shook her head and muttered something under her breath as he left her house dressed in a miniskirt similar to the one that Frank had requested, and copious amounts of bright red lipstick.
Surely there was something fucked up in what he was doing, but no matter what, he just couldn't quite se it, even if it seemed that just about everyone else in the world could. At least Frank just didn't know, and right now, that was all that really mattered to Gerard: a couple of cans of beer really did make him quite the narcissistic.
And really, he wondered if going to see Frank whilst more than a little tipsy was entirely a good idea, but the alcohol in his system ensured that the thought was soon long gone and ignored for favour of talking to a Frank Iero that didn't hate him, or at least didn't hate Gee, because really, the longer this masquerade went on, the more that Gee and Gerard began to seem like entirely two different people, and if he hadn't had those cans of beer earlier, maybe that would have mattered to him in the slightest, and maybe even threw up a red flag.
But no, it seemed like he'd really got the act of a stereotypical teenage girl down to perfection, as his mind was filled with nothing but obsessing over cute boys (well, one cute boy... Frank Iero), and caring far too much about how he looked - including spending far too long in the bathroom and not for getting off in a rather obvious facade of privacy.
And maybe, for the grin on Frank's face when he caught his eye, maybe for that, it was all worth it, or maybe, just maybe, Gerard was just drunk enough to rationalise ruining his life for the sake of Frank fucking Iero.
"We haven't spoken in far too long." He didn't stop smiling as he approached, and soon enough, Gee was smiling a bright, red, lipstick clad smile too. "I've missed you, you know." Frank's words were whispered into Gee's hair as he pulled the seventeen year old in for a hug, and Gee tried to think straight, both in figurative and literal senses of the word.
"I've missed you too." Gee forced a smile and bit back and stupid remarks regarding seeing him just the other day that his subconscious was fucking him over with, because maybe it would be entirely better if Gee and Gerard were two different people, and Gerard couldn't just fuck Gee's life over like he already had with his own.
"You look good, you know. Really pretty - beautiful, and fucking hot." Frank giggled a little, pulling away and making no secret of the way his eyes fell to Gee's fishnet clad thighs. "So good."
"Oh, I know." Gee giggled a little; Gee was always far more confident and far more slutty than Gerard, and maybe, even sometimes the seventeen year old began to consider that Gee was just a better person overall. "You look good too."
"Is that it?" Frank's eyebrows raised, mocking offense as Gee continued to roll his eyes, running a hand back through his hair: heavy with far too much hairspray. "I called you fucking hot. I'm fucking eyefucking you, and I'm just 'good', huh? Is that how it is, Gee?"
"Maybe I don't want you to eyefuck me - ever considered that, huh?" Gee smirked, grabbing Frank's hand with a kind of confidence that Gerard would never amount to, dragging the sixteen year old down the street with him.
"Everyone wants me to eyefuck them, everyone wants me to fuck them, and everyone wants so much more." Frank smirked, his ego bigger than him right now.
"Not me." Gee grinned, trying to play this all off into flirting, and not a 'I'm actually a guy in drag, actually Gerard Way in drag' problem, which he really didn't reckon that Frank would be at all inclined to understand.
Frank snorted. "You're a terrible liar."
And at that, Gee nearly doubled over laughing at the fact that the boy who thought he was a terrible liar was also convinced that he was female. "Oh, I'm not. I'm really fucking not."
"Maybe that's not such a good thing, you know?" Frank raised his eyebrows, catching Gee's gaze. "What are you ever so good at lying about then? What are you so good at lying about that it makes you laugh at me? Come on, tell me."
"Wouldn't be a secret if I told you, would it?" Gee smirked, causing Frank's eyes to widen as the two stopped in the middle of the pavement: the younger’s face flashing through just about a million different emotions in a span of five seconds.
"What the fuck are you lying to me about?" Frank demanded, suddenly growing serious, and Gee just coming to the realisation that he'd fucked up far too much this time.
"Frank, just please, it's complicated... to say the least. Can we just get to yours and I'll talk then?" And that definitely didn't mean 'please give me five minutes to come up with a somewhat believable lie', he fucking promised.
-
And as Gee made his way inside, he found himself becoming a devout Christian as he was so fucking thankful that dogs were unable to speak English, because Daisy, Frank's dog, definitely recognised him as Gerard, and was barking rather loudly to signify that.
"Daisy, come on, go to your bed." Frank gestured, almost herding his dog into the dining room, not wanting to have to apologise for his fucking idiot of an overgrown puppy tackling yet another unsuspecting person to the ground. "Sorry, she... gets overexcited..." Frank sighed out, shaking his head, and as Frank led Gee upstairs, the seventeen year found himself pretending not to know where Frank's room was, and that he totally wasn't some faggot with a creepy crush on him dressed in drag.
"Just sit on the bed - whatever, but I want an explanation, okay?" Frank sighed, letting the seventeen year old sit down as he rummaged through his drawers, eventually pulling out a half empty bottle of vodka.
"I'm asexual." Gee exhaled loudly, praying to his newfound deity that Frank would believe him, or at the very least, have some sort of notion as to what asexuality even was, because he really didn't feel like fucking explaining this to him, as he handed exactly planned for this extravagant lie he'd just pulled out of his ass.
"Oh..." Frank paused, brows furrowed as he turned back to face the seventeen year old sat almost awkwardly on his bed. "Is that the thing where you're not attracted to anyone?" He asked, sitting down beside Gee.
"Kind of. I'm not sexually attracted to anyone; like I just don't find anything appealing about either of the sexual organs, nor do I want to do anything like that. But I am romantically attracted to guys, so... like... I'd want to kiss someone, but not actually like... I mean, I could, but I just don't particularly want to..."
"Okay..." Frank sighed out, taking a swig of vodka and thinking over what Gee had just said for a few seconds. "So, you've got to be at least romantically attracted to me, come on." And then that fucking smirk again, and Frank was really unfeasibly stupid, because that was the worst thought out lie and he'd just believed it like the concept of untruths hadn't even ever occurred to him.
"Maybe." Gee smirked, blushing a little: head exploding at just how good of a lie this had actually been, because like this, he could totally fucking date Frank Iero without fucking him and his true gender having to come into play at all - god this was fucking brilliant, and Frank was fucking stupid, and that was fucking brilliant.
"You totally fucking do." Frank grinned, lying back against the bed, putting the vodka on the bedside table.
"Yeah, okay, but that's not you - you're Frank Iero, you're all fucking and not caring. I'm the opposite, aren't I? We wouldn't work." Gee sighed out, falling back beside Frank, who stopped for a moment at that, catching the seventeen year old's gaze as his heart stopped momentarily.
"That's you saying that you want to be my girlfriend, isn't it?" And at that, Gee rolled over, burying his face in the pillow and probably creating a vibrant red lipstick stain that Frank's mum was really going to question. "I can change, you know? I mean, I've just never found someone I cared about like that, but... you're different and I care about you and I like you, and maybe we could work, and maybe I need this, and you're so fucking hot that maybe that's enough."
And Frank was just far too eager to 'overwrite' any suspicions of homosexuality lingering in his head; he wanted an easy way out and to him, Gee, was just that, and really, this was going to do nothing but fuck everything over so much more.
"We could try, I guess..." Gee sighed out, heart beating entirely too fast, and Lindsey was actually going to slap him so fucking hard for this, but maybe Frank was just too fucking pretty, and too fucking perfect for him to even care, because to Gerard, this was his one chance, and he was stupid enough to take it.
"So then, Gee, be my girlfriend?" Frank asked, blushing a little, and focusing on the fact that this was solid evidence that he wasn't gay, and not just how much Bert would laugh when he eventuality struck and he had to tell him that he had a girlfriend. At least it wasn't a boyfriend; at least it wasn't a boyfriend.
But, Frank was fucking stupid.
"Yes." Gee exhaled, sitting up; Frank mimicking his actions with a grin that was practically superglued to his lips.
"I want to kiss you. You know, I really want to kiss you - like all the time." Frank exhaled, leaning closer to his newfound 'girlfriend'.
"So do I." Gee admitted, grinning more than he ever had before, because Frank was his boyfriend, and this was pretty much his end goal in life wasn't it?
And as they kissed, Gerard told himself that everything was perfect, because this felt fucking good, and this was all he'd dreamed of, but he felt cheated, because this didn't feel real, not really.
And it wasn't - after all, Frank wasn't dating him, he wasn't kissing him, he didn't have feelings for him... he was dating Gee, he was kissing Gee, he had feelings for Gee. And fuck, Gerard did not imagine that this self-concocted crossdressing alter ego was going to end up stealing both Frank Iero and all sanity left in his life.
Maybe he should have listened to Lindsey, but he was in too deep now, and he did love Frank, and he was still kissing Frank, kind of. Maybe he just should have been grateful.
And maybe, Frank should have stopped wishing that these were the lips of a guy, or at least fully accepted himself as he was, and not just ended up throwing himself into nothing other than heterosexual death trap - and he wasn't even getting a fuck out of it.
-
Hey guys:) And since some of you guys were counting, the word fuck or a variation of it appears 78 times in this chapter;) Anyway, votes and comments are appreciated if you enjoyed and I love you all<3