It was a bit past eight before Tyler left. Despite how badly I wanted to walk him all the way to the subway station, I needed to put some distance between us. We'd been so close physically and emotionally all day, and I needed to stop before I wouldn't be able to let him go.
A bit after he left, there was a knock on my door. "Come in," I said as I tied the top of my pajama pants, opting to remain shirtless. My body still smelled like him even after I'd showered. I could still feel him on me and taste his lips.
Padre slowly opened the door before he walked in. Papa followed closely after. "Hey, Addi," Padre said.
"Hi," I softly said as I sat on my bed.
My dads sat on either side of me. Papa spoke first. "We heard Kyra leave. I wanted to come up and check on you, but your father advised me against it."
"And based on the shape of your bed, I'm glad I did," Padre poked as he looked at the messy sheets on my bed.
I blushed and looked down. "It wasn't like that, dad, gross."
"If that's what you want us to believe. There better not have been any special hugging, because even though neither one of you two can get pregnant, that doesn't mean–"
I quickly pressed my hands over my ears. "La la la, we're not having this conversation right now! La la la!"
Papa laughed as he gently pushed Padre. "Alright, Noah, the poor boy's had enough." He turned to me and gently started rubbing my back. "Do you want to talk about it? If not, it's ok, we're willing to wait as long as you need to."
"We just need to know that you're safe. That you're not in physical danger or the risk of being outed. Trust me, it's not fun." There was a pain in Padre's voice as he said that, his fingers subconsciously touched his ribs. He still had pain in his chest from time to time from how his teammates had beat him.
"You have support from us, Addi. Use it," Papa pressed.
I weakly grinned at them. "Grazie (thank you)," I whispered. "It...It was bad, to be honest. My phone was still on silent so I didn't see her texts or yours. I didn't even hear her or Azalea call my name. She came up, saw us, together and freaked. I mean I get it, but we're on break and my feelings for Ty have been growing...I couldn't stop my life because hers did." I stopped myself. "Signore aiutami (Lord help me) I sounded like a dick just then." I shook my head and looked at my hands. The lines were the same. My DNA hadn't changed, but everything about me was changing.
"I've been falling out of love with her and she's still holding on to it. I don't know when it started or why, but I did. I've been trying so hard to try to hold on to that hope I'd once had that we would, you know, get married and have a family. I tried to find it in the cute way she'd crinkle her nose and in her laugh and in holding her and in kissing her. I would feel something, but it wasn't love. At least I don't think it was, not in the way she wanted. With each passing day, I just kept losing my grip until I fell out of love with her and into...whatever with Ty."
My insides were buzzing and my head was spinning. "I tried to talk to her, but you should've seen the look on her face. The pain. The betrayal. The confusion. I couldn't get my thoughts together. I couldn't escape what was happening. I had no excuses, not that those were what she was looking for anyway. I don't know. I feel like a colossal jerk. I mean, I still care about her. A lot, despite how it may seem. Maybe our love has turned platonic, I don't know." I angrily ran my fingers through my hair, a harsh contrast to the soft way Tyler had been running his fingers through it as we laid together and watched television. I mentally slapped myself. How could I retrace every action I did to him, especially in a time like this?
"What do you do when you care about someone so much but you don't like them like that anymore?"
"Oh, piccolo (baby)," Padre said as he pulled me into him. He gently rubbed my back and pressed a gentle kiss into the crown of my head. "I know, trust me I do. I went through the same thing with Gracie, remember? Granted, we weren't dating, but it was the same concept. You have to give her time, Addi. Like you said, she's still holding on to love with you. I doubt you've told her about your feelings for Tyler, so of course she's shocked and hurt, regardless of if you're separated or not. You've realized that she still feels strongly for you, that's what was tearing you up inside. And I'm definitely not saying that you should've put yourself in a position where you weren't happy for her sake nor am I saying that this is your fault, but you've got to understand, Addison, this hurt her. Badly. Especially because it seemingly happened out of nowhere."
"I know," I softly said. "I just...her face and her words. They hurt me too. I feel an overwhelming feeling of guilt. It's suffocating, especially when I find myself feeling happy with Tyler and then I remember her and I feel guilty all over again."
"I know, kid," Papa sympathized as he ruffled my hair in an affectionate way. "This is all new to both of you. Just give her time and try to talk to her again. You not only want to smooth things out with her, but you also want to make sure that she won't put you in a compromising situation."
"I tried asking her not to tell, but she just laughed at me, cursed me, then left. I don't know what that means."
Padre's jaw clenched. "That means that you need to be careful, Addison. You need to be aware and be careful."
"Yeah, Addi. When people feel hurt or betrayed, nine times out of ten they end up doing something really stupid in the name of the temporary satisfaction revenge gives them, even if their actions are far worse than the initial pain," Papa added. "Now, I'm not necessarily saying Kyra will do that, but you did say that she's experienced losing a male figure in her life she deeply cares for to another man before and..." After a few seconds passed, words still failed to fall into place for my father. Though he tried to keep a calm disposition, the way he looked at Padre told me everything I needed to know: he was scared. For me.
Every leaf and twig I'd used to construct a weak barrier of protection from my actions came crashing down as a wave of the weight of the full situation hit me, nearly knocking me off of my feet. This was serious. Really serious.
Then everything suddenly felt real.
My feet were finally meeting the ground after being in the air on cloud 9 with Tyler for so long shielded from reality by light kisses and hopes that could only be described as foolish, especially with the brewing storm we were perched on. The once steady dependable earth started cracking beneath me and eager to bury me alive.
A suffocating feeling filled my chest as the feeling I hated more than anything else in the world filled my being: the feeling of losing control.
Sure, when I'd initiated whatever weightless feeling that fluttered between Tyler and me, some of my well-maintained control slipped through my fingertips. But I'd lost it to myself, or rather, a different side of me. A side that'd been hidden between the facades I'd unconsciously built around myself and the delicate balancing act of trying to find my place in the changing, manic world that made up the looming trees in the jungle that was my psyche. But it was still me nevertheless.
But now everything was different.
Instead of having a detailed map that helped navigate my way through me, I'd landed in a make-believe world where Princes could have their own Princes Charmings and happily ever afters were easy to come by. A cruel front that sneakily broke the steel grip I'd thought I had over myself.
Now, it was all utter chaos.
My body suddenly felt as if I'd just finished running a marathon: my breathing became heavier as the bones in my knee turned into wax– strong under the right conditions but when the heat is turned up too high, incredibly unstable and weak.
I let out a shaky breath as tightly clasped my hands together trying to calm myself down. One deep breath, A. Two deep breaths, B. Three deep breaths, C. I continued the cycle through the alphabet as my fathers gently rubbed my back in comfort, watching helplessly as I battled the one thing they couldn't protect me from: myself.
***
"What did you do to Kyra last night that made her so pissed? Did you forget your anniversary or her birthday or something? I mean, I could literally see the steam coming out of her ears," Azalea asked as soon as she walked in the kitchen as I rummaged through the cabinets in an effort to force myself to eat something. My stomach had been twisted into knots since Friday evening and my hunger had gotten lost in them.
Azalea's simple question scared off any remnants of hunger that had remained.
I sighed as I closed the cabinet. "No, Azalea. We broke up." I didn't look at her as I crossed the kitchen where my newly made coffee was waiting for me. Her eyebrows furrowed as she opened her mouth to ask whatever question had gained dominance in her head, likely what did you do? "Don't." My voice sounded tired and defeated as it slid past my lips, which was what I was. In addition to not eating, I hadn't been sleeping much either. My mind was constantly playing the what-if game that consisted of checking my messages in hopes that Kyra had texted me to say anything relating to her stance on if she would tell my secret or not, and checking social media to make sure she hadn't. With every notification I'd gotten, my heart would stop out of fear of being outed as whatever I was, only to see that it was an ad for new football cleats or that another celebrity had gotten in trouble for doing something dumb. Again.
"Addison–"
"I don't really want to talk about it, so can you please just drop it, Azalea?" My voice was snappy as a spoke, a tone that I rarely used, much less toward my sister. The look in her eyes showed her shock and hurt at my tone and I instantly felt bad. None of this was her fault and I was taking it out on her. I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes, the recollections bringing on a new wave of exhaustion that caffeine couldn't curve. "I'm sorry. It's just...it was a lot and it wasn't pretty. At all."
I felt her gently put her hand on my back. "Well, are you okay? I know you really cared about her, it must not have been easy."
I found myself scoffing. That was the thing. Leaving was easy, almost too easy, but dealing with the repercussions was the hard part. I straightened up and wrapped my arms around my sister. "Thanks, Azzy."
She tightly hugged me back, communicating her support without uttering a single word. Even though she annoyed the heck out of me at times, it was nice to know that when I needed her most, she was there for me. "No problem, Addison."
As the words I was about to speak formed on my lips, I instantly regretted them. Azalea had nothing to do with what happened between us and I knew Kyra wouldn't hold what I did against my sister, she wasn't that kind of person. But the panicked feeling that had taken refuge in my chest reminded me that I'd rather take a risk and regret it than do nothing and face something worse. "Azzy, uh, I'm sorry to ask this but, you know since everything ended so messily and Kyra is beyond pissed at me, could you, er, like, not talk to her? At least until she cools down. I don't want her to take anything out on you for what happened between us or anything," I babbled. I also didn't want her to be the one to tell Azalea about me instead of her hearing it directly from me. I just wasn't ready yet. Yet, I hated how, when I said it like that, it made it seem like Kyra was the bad guy and Lord knows she was the furthest from it. She was a victim in her own right who fell prey to the monster of falling out of love.
I just couldn't tell Azalea that.
Her eyebrows slightly furrowed. "Should I be worried?"
I shook my head. "No."
Yes.
"It's just...complicated. I can't really explain it and I don't think I want to right now."
She nodded in understanding as she gave me a final squeeze. "Alright, I will. I'll let you two handle this, but let me know if we need to tag team this, brother, 'cause I got you," she said as she got into a mock fighting stance, slightly bouncing side to side like a video game character.
I grinned. "Tag team this." I swung at her and we fell into a mock battle, lightly landing one punch and narrowly avoiding the next for each other.
"Kids, kids, smettila! (stop that!) We already have two monsters, we don't need two more," Papa said as he tiredly entered the kitchen with Adryan on his back and Emerson balanced on his hip. He was shirtless and wearing a pair of black sweatpants with a rainbow heart on the right hip in addition to his glasses that had a rainbow shift to the frames. He really loved rainbows and symbols of pride, not that I blamed him. He and Padre had overcome a lot in order to love each other proudly.
I couldn't help but wonder if I'd be like that one day.
"Hey!" Emerson cried with a pout.
Papa gasped. "Oops, did I say that out loud?"
Adryan hit him on the head, though not hard enough to hurt. "Ow!" Papa cried though we both knew it didn't hurt him that much, causing Adryan to laugh.
Azalea kissed him on the cheek as she walked by, ready to go to school. "Bye, dad. I love you."
"Love you too, sweetie," he said as he bent over and let the little monsters– I mean my little siblings off of him so and onto the raised chairs they usually sat in for breakfast.
"Love you, dad," I said as I made a move to walk past him but I was stopped when he called my name.
I turned back to him and he approached me closely, his voice soft so none of my other siblings could hear. "Remember what your father and I told you, okay? Be careful and let us know if you need anything and I mean anything."
I nodded. "Okay, dad. I'll be careful, promise."
"Good," he said as he pressed a kiss to my forehead. "You're a strong boy, Addison, but even the strongest need help sometimes."
I nodded again.
He grinned. "Okay, now go before you're late. Oh, and tell Tyler we said hi."
I blushed as I hurried down the hallway where Azalea was waiting for me, typing on her phone and oblivious to the conversation we'd just had. "Bye, Padre! Love you!" I called as I adjusted my backpack on my shoulders and opened the door for us.
"Love you!" Azalea added.
"Love you, too! Be safe!" He called from upstairs. The last thing we heard from the apartment was Emerson asking when they could "color" on Papa's chest like we had and Papa snarkily responded, "when you can write your e's the right way".
The journey to school was the same as usual, though I would catch Azalea looking at me every so often as if she was checking to make sure I wasn't silently crying or something. Crying was the last thing I could do. I'd spent all my tears on stress crying over the weekend and if I cried anymore I'd likely die from dehydration. But what I could do, however, was psyche myself out, and psyche myself out I did.
Much like the first day I'd come to school after Tyler and I hooked up, I felt the heat of everyone's gaze on me. Every breath in my direction was suffocating and every brush of the shoulder felt like a punch in the gut. It was far worse this time. At first, I was simply afraid of them knowing, now I was afraid of them hating me. But not because of who I was, but because of what I'd done to get there. Whose heart I had to break.
With every step toward studio A, it felt like another weight had been added to my anchored feet until I could almost physically feel pain in the heels of my feet as if I'd been running for years without rest. I was so busy looking at my feet to avoid eye contact with any and everyone that I literally crashed into someone. As my fate would have it, as an apology absent-mindedly escaped my lips, I locked eyes with the same brown eyes that had been filled with rage and hatred the last time I saw them met mine.
My breath caught in my throat as Kyra looked up at me in shock. She looked beautiful as always, but I could see that her eyes were a bit puffy and she had the same exhaustion tugging at her eyelids that matched mine, something that could only be handcrafted by a lack of sleep and intense emotional purging.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything–an apology, a "how are you?" or even a simple hi would've sufficed–but, per usual, my brain picked the worst times to clock out, leaving me speechless. Moisture instantly pooled at her waterline before she quickly broke eye contact and all but ran past me. "Kyra wait–!" I started, but she was already gone.
Eyes were attracted to me as looks of confusion took refuge on people's faces. I knew that I'd hear something about this by the end of the day and based on the school's gossip culture, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she punched me in the face and kicked me in the balls or that we had an anime-styled smack down in the middle of the hallway.
I felt another overwhelming feeling of guilt balloon in my chest, pushing out all oxygen. I was suddenly gagging on the air I wasn't receiving. My heartbeat increased as an indescribable sorrow laced itself through me, working faster than any drug or medicine ever could. I hurried down the hall and into an old janitor's closet before I locked myself in the very last stall. My body shook and trembled as I lowered myself onto the ground and pulled my knees into my chest, strangled sobs clawing their way up my tightening esophagus. A cocktail of sobs, whimpers, and gasps created the bitter drink of agony that filled me close to bursting. My body was wrapped in a cloak of darkness with the only source of light coming from the small window against the wall at the far side of the closet whose light died less than five feet away from the window.
My lungs screamed out in agony and I started feeling light-headed from the mixture of losing oxygen and crying so hard, but the pain was comforting in a way like God was punishing me for what I did. Like I was feeling a fraction of the pain I'd caused Kyra. So, instead of crying out for help or crawling down the hall on all fours to the nurse's office like the pathetic wimp I was, I allowed myself to feel the pain.
At least physical pain was better than mourning the relationship I'd brutally killed.
***
The rest of the day went by in a dull painful blur. I never made it to the studio that morning and throughout the day when Tyler and I would cross paths, he'd give me a look silently asking me what had happened, but I always looked away first. It was sixth period when he'd finally directly asked me what was going on and I simply told him I didn't feel too good, deliberately not meeting his eyes or allowing our bodies to touch. His touch would make me turn to putty in his hands and I didn't deserve to feel that bliss. Not until I made things right with Kyra.
Before I knew it, I was sitting on the benches in the locker room after football practice had concluded. No matter how hard I tried to maintain my normal indifferent front, I found my mask crumbling before my eyes until it was painstakingly obvious that something was off. Luckily, my teammates knew better than to ask me. All of my teammates other than Ian, my best friend. Ever since everything with Tyler and Kyra, I'd been distancing myself from him, and instead, buried myself completely in Tyler, a habit that I realized was dangerous, especially in times like this.
"Hey man, what's going on with you, and don't do that lame-ass thing where you say 'oh nothing' or whatever because I know that's BS," Ian said very matter of factly as he sat down next to me. "You haven't been talking to me Addison, like what the hell, man? And now there's something obviously wrong but you look like you'll cut off anyone's dick who even thinks of trying to talk to you?"
"So why are you trying to talk to me?" I grumbled, coming off like a complete a-hole, but I couldn't help it. No matter how much I wanted to confide in someone about what was going on, I wasn't ready and I wasn't deserving. I kind of wanted him to get frustrated, curse me, and walk away.
But Ian wasn't having any of it, and he demonstrated it by landing a powerful and painful punch right on my shoulder. I curse as I cradled my injury, discomfort weaving throughout me from where he'd hit me. "Dude, what the hell?"
"Don't 'what the hell" me. What the hell yourself, dude. Honestly, what's going on? You're walking around like a kicked puppy and look even worse. When was the last time you've slept or eaten?"
"Probably Friday," I admitted with a sigh before I dropped my head in my hands and sighed. Luckily, Ian gave me time to collect my thoughts and didn't rush me. "I messed things up with Kyra and we broke up."
When I looked up at Ian, his features had gone from rough and irritated to soft and sympathetic. "Damn, man. I'm sorry. What happened?"
I shook my head. "I can't get into it now, but it was complicated. I'll probably tell you more about it later but it's pretty bad and..." I shook my head again as my words failed me once again, which was ironic because words were typically the only way I could express myself through my writing.
He gently put a hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. "Well, you know I'm here for you and I'm ready to listen whenever you wanna talk. I won't judge no matter what. Do you wanna go get Mikey's to cheer yourself up a bit? Then we can go to my place and play video games. You can purge all your guilt and sadness or whatever and I can purge my anger at Mrs. Lundie for not bumping my eighty-nine point four to a ninety in Pre-Calc."
I found myself chuckling as I shook my head and a spark of amusement flared up in my head, a feeling I'd missed so much in its short time away. "I guess it beats crying in the shower and staring at my ceiling until I fall asleep," I said only half-joking.
He grinned. "It's up there."
"Okay, I'll come with you. It sounds like what I need actually."
Ian grinned. "You're on, but if and, let's face it, when I wipe the floor with your but when we play, don't get all mega depressed and sad. I don't need that kind of energy right now."
"I can't make any promises. My mental state is very fragile at the moment," I said as I slung my backpack over my shoulder trying to maintain the light playful tone in my voice, but after feeling so down for what felt like so long, the once easy task now felt like a chore.
Ian merely rolled his eyes before he too got his backpack and started walking toward the door. I started following him just as Tyler walked into the locker room still in his uniform and still sweating. After practice, the coach had called him over to talk with him and he'd been there ever since. I'd been waiting for him to return, though I didn't exactly know why because I definitely wasn't in the right mindset or mood to make out with him like we usually did when we had the locker room to ourselves nor could I allow myself to simply enjoy his presence the way I had Friday evening as we simply watched TV together.
I still had to punish myself, so I couldn't really answer why I'd been waiting for him.
But a look of something akin to surprise flashed in his eyes as he saw me making a move to leave.
"Hey, man," Ian said as he offered his hand to dap Ty up, oblivious to what was going on between us.
"Uh, hey," Tyler said as he half-heartedly dapped up Ian. "What's up?"
"Nothing, Addi and I are just going to hang out. What about you?"
Tyler motioned to himself. "I was about to shower because I'm still disgusting."
Ian wrinkled his nose as he mockingly sniffed Tyler. "Yeah bro, you're ripe, you need to hit the showers." A gasp was suddenly pulled from his lips. "Man! Speaking of that, I forgot my book for English in Mrs. Showton's room. I'll be right back, I need to catch a janitor!" And within moments, he was gone.
After a few moments Tyler looked at me. "You wanna tell me what's been going on with you?" He didn't sound exactly hurt or irritated, but he didn't sound happy either.
"I'm sorry, I just..." I'm projecting my own guilt and insecurities onto you a voice in my head filled in for me, but I quickly pushed it away. "I saw Kyra today and it just made things, like, super awkward and heavy and I'm still feeling kinda guilty, I guess." There was no kinda before guilty. I was definitely guilty, but I opted not to tell him about the heaviness that was attached to my ankles nor the break that was slowly cracking my heart nor the horrible weekend I'd had.
"I'm sorry," he said as he put his hands loosely around my waist. "I know it's tough, but you'll figure it out. And if you can't, we will." He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head so his lips landed on my cheek. The contact point still sent an arsenal of sparks parading through my body and caused lightning to race up and down my spine.
"Yeah," I lamely said as he pulled away, a slight furrow in his brow.
"Oh."
Oh. The dreaded word in any relationship. I instantly felt bad– a feeling I was becoming acquainted with– especially when he turned and headed toward the shower, tension tight in his jaw.
"Wait," I said as I caught up with him and put a hand on his arm, causing him to stop in his tracks but he didn't look at me. "Do you wanna, um, hang out after school tomorrow or something?"
He shook his head. "Can't. My mom's coming to get Serenity and take her back to Louisiana tomorrow. But we can figure something else out." Though his voice carried its usual warmth and understanding, there was a taunt undertone swimming beneath the surface of his words.
"Oh."
He moved away from my touch and started the shower. He was obviously irritated with me, no matter how much he tried to hide it. I could see through him. I could recognize how much I was swinging between okay and confident and shy and guilty, that would be enough to annoy anyone. I was getting annoyed with myself beyond all belief and reasoning. But knowing that he was getting irritated by me made a feeling stir in my chest that I didn't like. "Ty, look, I'm sorry, about everything," I said as he took off his multiple layers of clothes until he was shirtless.
"It's okay," he said as he cupped my cheek with one hand and stroked my chin with the pad of his thumb. "Honest."
I put my hand on top of his and looked at him for a moment and nodded. "Okay. Thanks."
He offered me a small grin as his eyes looked at my lips for a moment."Have a fun time, Addison." Without another word, his touch had escaped me and he was in the shower without having spared me a second glance.
I stood there for a moment. Though he'd said it was okay, he was referencing much more than the simple raincheck. He was referring to everything, and though he'd said it so many times since Kyra had caught us, the more he said it, the less okay it felt.
There was a part of me that wanted to call to him and try to figure out what was truly going on and how he was truly feeling, but a larger part of me recognized that he needed his space like I needed mine. So, without another word, I turned and walked out of the locker room in order to save whatever janitor Ian had found.
***
Hey y'all, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and if so, feel free to comment and vote! Addi is really going through it, huh? How do y'all think this back and forth will affect his relationship with Tyler? Do you think Addi will fully confide in Ian? Do you think Kyra stands as a threat to Addi and his identity? Let me know in the comments. I honestly understand Kyra's pain and I think Addi was wrong to give Kyra hope they'd get back together then go with Tyler. I think he should've fully broken things off with her in order to save them both from unnecessary pain. Addi is a flawed character, so no matter how much I disagree with his actions, I still think he's a good person or at least tries to be. Do you agree?
Here's a life update: I'm starting my college application season and it's honestly so scary to think that by this time next year I'll hopefully be attending my dream school. Time has flown by so quickly! Also, because of COVID my first day of school has been pushed back so I have a little longer until senior year starts, but it still feels crazy. As always, the next chapter is already available on inkitt so if you don't want to wait, click the inkitt link in my bio. Spoiler alert: things get VERY messy.
Okay, I'm done. Have a great rest of y'all's day!
Stay safe and healthy– Jordan